Looking for work... Driving me crazy!!!!!!!

[sara535 15]

I dont disagree with any of the ideas/comments about divorce and that sometimes it is not only a viable but the best option. Its just that in this situation, in Dee's situation, I dont see how 3 weeks together with all the stresses of marriage, immigration, culture shock, etc etc is a good 'baseline' to measure the success of the relationship. I totally agree that if there is any kind of violence involved that is not ok at all, but otherwise I guess I just think the advice and discussions earlier were very valuable, as far as trying to brainstorm and find a way for Dee to be able to handle it all and act/react in a way thats not draining her dry and upsetting her kids. Surely there are some other options before they pack it all in?

[♥JP♥ 5]

I dont disagree with any of the ideas/comments about divorce and that sometimes it is not only a viable but the best option. Its just that in this situation, in Dee's situation, I dont see how 3 weeks together with all the stresses of marriage, immigration, culture shock, etc etc is a good 'baseline' to measure the success of the relationship. I totally agree that if there is any kind of violence involved that is not ok at all, but otherwise I guess I just think the advice and discussions earlier were very valuable, as far as trying to brainstorm and find a way for Dee to be able to handle it all and act/react in a way thats not draining her dry and upsetting her kids. Surely there are some other options before they pack it all in?

What I don't understand is how anyone except her can measure the success of the relationship. If she feels that she wants to throw in the towel I dont think anyone should convince her to do otherwise or even to move forward with that feeling.

Like doodle said, its about distinguishing what is a normal adjustment and what isnt. That line is different for everyone.

[maggieNomar 0]

at this point i feel like cancelling the checks(EAD/AOS) and throwing in the towel

[Jenn! 918]

Sure I'm married and I made a committment but lets not be pollyanish (sp?) about this. This isn't the 50's where we always get married till death to us part. Sure we'd like to think it but in the day and age where single parents are getting married the rules are a little different, or they should be anyways.

Now don't take this the wrong way ( ). Although I understand what you're saying here, I can't help but wonder if this is why there are so many poor women who get taken for rides. If the perception is that American women value marriage and committment less, then it isn't hard to see why some men might use that as an excuse to do the same.

Very interesting question and I want to process it in my head a bit, but really interesting.

I reada Doodle's post so differently that se is not saying marriage and committment is less valued, but rather that in this day and age women have choices and divorce does nto carry the same taboo and hardship that it did 50 years ago. I also see it in the light of Islam- that divorce is sometimes a perfectly legitimate solution- not one to be taken lightly or in haste. Keeping divorce on teh table as an option does not lessen committment in my mind. But maybe I am bing more pragmatic. Both doodle and I have been through a divorce so that certainly must color our outlook on any new relationship

Don't get me wrong. I'm not one to say that divorce shouldn't be an option. What I'm wondering is whether certain men from MENA countries with ulterior motives may perceive a woman who has a different perspective on marriage as being less committed, and therefore would be less devastated by a failed marriage.

I don't know. It was just a theory that came to me.

[sara535 15]

I dont disagree with any of the ideas/comments about divorce and that sometimes it is not only a viable but the best option. Its just that in this situation, in Dee's situation, I dont see how 3 weeks together with all the stresses of marriage, immigration, culture shock, etc etc is a good 'baseline' to measure the success of the relationship. I totally agree that if there is any kind of violence involved that is not ok at all, but otherwise I guess I just think the advice and discussions earlier were very valuable, as far as trying to brainstorm and find a way for Dee to be able to handle it all and act/react in a way thats not draining her dry and upsetting her kids. Surely there are some other options before they pack it all in?

What I don't understand is how anyone except her can measure the success of the relationship. If she feels that she wants to throw in the towel I dont think anyone should convince her to do otherwise or even to move forward with that feeling.

Like doodle said, its about distinguishing what is a normal adjustment and what isnt. That line is different for everyone.

well you are right. I guess I am thinking too much about what I would do......

I was interpreting Dee's comments earlier as more venting as opposed to literally planning for a divorce, and that maybe she needs some encouragement to keep her head up above water for a bit. I know that during the long and sometimes ugly adjustment time my husband and I went through there were certainly times when one or the other or maybe both of us deeply considered 'throwing in the towel' but we didnt and now standing here from my current perspective I am SO SO happy we stuck it out. I am sure that most of us commenting here on a deeply personal issue like this are doing so from our own perspective of experiences and life lessons, and mine have been to tough it out and wait for a better day. but you are right, and I dont want to be one that is encouraging anyone to stay in a relationship thats no good.....

[mybackpages 0]

Sure I'm married and I made a committment but lets not be pollyanish (sp?) about this. This isn't the 50's where we always get married till death to us part. Sure we'd like to think it but in the day and age where single parents are getting married the rules are a little different, or they should be anyways.

Now don't take this the wrong way ( ). Although I understand what you're saying here, I can't help but wonder if this is why there are so many poor women who get taken for rides. If the perception is that American women value marriage and committment less, then it isn't hard to see why some men might use that as an excuse to do the same.

Very interesting question and I want to process it in my head a bit, but really interesting.

I reada Doodle's post so differently that se is not saying marriage and committment is less valued, but rather that in this day and age women have choices and divorce does nto carry the same taboo and hardship that it did 50 years ago. I also see it in the light of Islam- that divorce is sometimes a perfectly legitimate solution- not one to be taken lightly or in haste. Keeping divorce on teh table as an option does not lessen committment in my mind. But maybe I am bing more pragmatic. Both doodle and I have been through a divorce so that certainly must color our outlook on any new relationship

Don't get me wrong. I'm not one to say that divorce shouldn't be an option. What I'm wondering is whether certain men from MENA countries with ulterior motives may perceive a woman who has a different perspective on marriage as being less committed, and therefore would be less devastated by a failed marriage.

I don't know. It was just a theory that came to me.

Let's face it, there are those scamming women on the internet. I've met some face to face too, so even though we get all sensitive every time the 'green card marriage" issue comes up, i think its a very interesting thing to think about.

How do perceptions of American women by MENA men impact their strategy? I remember being in Morocco with another woman- older in her 60s, single...announcing to the group of us that she was on the look out for a man while in Morocco. Her dress was not inappropriate at any time while traveling through the country, but her language (both verbal and body) were IMO.

For example- we were in the archeological museum in Rabat. The men who opened it up for us started to chat us up- well the women anyway. She was seriously flirting with them- putting her hand on their arm or shoulder, laughing..being very close to them...in the US it would not have been such a sight. BUT in Morocco, the next thing I notice is that she is screaming because one of the men touched her a$$....well duh? He was reading her signals very differently that she meant anything.

So this stuff must go on in an internet only relationship too right/ saying things and thinking you understand each otehr , but each understanding something different. So when a woman writes something to communicate her thoughts or values to a MENA man...are we ever sure, esp with the language barriers, how well we are understanding each other?

I think a MENA man with an ulterior motive must take advantage of that situation...he thinks he reads he one way. The women is thinking differently and beign duped migth come easier than one might think

[deemabrouk 0]

well... at this point... I will say Fraud is NOT in my mind.. And I know many cases that THAT might be the issue.. but the man is honsetly tramatised by leaving his mother.. and truely did not care to move here - and with that being said, I know that is ALOT of his stress

At this point I DO think we both love each other... BUT.. love isnt everything. IF the american-way is more than he can handle.. american style wife and kids... well.. I dont know.

I think alot of MENA men get this golden Idea of america from the TV.. and they think they can handle it all.. they can deal with the American wife... Move here.. Open a busniess.. and live the "American Dream" - BUT once they are Knee deep in the mix... they never really understood what it all entails

Honestly.. I never hid my sassiness.. and my "italian temper/ volume" has Always been present.. He knew my kids were overwhelming (yes DID come with me to Egypt.. and he got a taste of what they were like...

AND had several SEVERAL talks about how it is NOT easy.. waltzing into america and gettin this AMAZING job.. (his friends have these Glory Story's coming into the country 10+ years ago.. It's just NOT the same anymore ) Especially with the Bush ADmin.. and the terror/ immigration crack down.. And dont kill me for saying it.. BUT people would hire spanish/ mexican work ANYDAY over an arab with how things are going in the US

Edited August 2, 2007 by deemabrouk

[Jenn! 918]

well... at this point... I will say Fraud is NOT in my mind.. And I know many cases that THAT might be the issue..

Sorry, Dee. Just wanted to make it clear that my comments were really tangential and I didn't mean to imply anything by them.

[♥JP♥ 5]

well... at this point... I will say Fraud is NOT in my mind.. And I know many cases that THAT might be the issue.. but the man is honsetly tramatised by leaving his mother.. and truely did not care to move here - and with that being said, I know that is ALOT of his stress

At this point I DO think we both love each other... BUT.. love isnt everything. IF the american-way is more than he can handle.. american style wife and kids... well.. I dont know.

I think alot of MENA men get this golden Idea of america from the TV.. and they think they can handle it all.. they can deal with the American wife... Move here.. Open a busniess.. and live the "American Dream" - BUT once they are Knee deep in the mix... they never really understood what it all entails

Honestly.. I never hid my sassiness.. and my "italian temper/ volume" has Always been present.. He knew my kids were overwhelming (yes DID come with me to Egypt.. and he got a taste of what they were like...

AND had several SEVERAL talks about how it is NOT easy.. waltzing into america and gettin this AMAZING job.. (his friends have these Glory Story's coming into the country 10+ years ago.. It's just NOT the same anymore ) Especially with the Bush ADmin.. and the terror/ immigration crack down.. And dont kill me for saying it.. BUT people would hire spanish/ mexican work ANYDAY over an arab with how things are going in the US

Just wanted to say, I don't hide my sassiness either. Arabic women are pretty high tempered and sassy too. I hope things get better for you.

[deemabrouk 0]

well... at this point... I will say Fraud is NOT in my mind.. And I know many cases that THAT might be the issue..

Sorry, Dee. Just wanted to make it clear that my comments were really tangential and I didn't mean to imply anything by them.

oh i know... Its all Good

I just felt like replying... CAUSE i have heard of cases.. that once the man comes here.. He then FREAKS out.. another side IS shown.. and this is his way of trying to break free once he arrives in the US.. to then "have to leave cause the woman is Intolerable.. a bad wife" Like the woman's self esteem issues are used against them as a part of the scam.

[ya falaha! 0]

I def. don't hide my sassiness either. My husband has 4 sisters...two of them are quite sassy. I really don't think your sassiness should make him fly off the handle like that.

My husband came here under very similar circumstances. He was his parent's only boy so of course his mom was attached to him and vice versa. That hasn't affected his personality or behavior. We've had our little tifs but nothing like you guys have had. I suppose different ppl handle change differently but from what you've described I'd say it's more than just adjustment issues.

I hope things look up for you soon, Dee.

well... at this point... I will say Fraud is NOT in my mind.. And I know many cases that THAT might be the issue.. but the man is honsetly tramatised by leaving his mother.. and truely did not care to move here - and with that being said, I know that is ALOT of his stress

At this point I DO think we both love each other... BUT.. love isnt everything. IF the american-way is more than he can handle.. american style wife and kids... well.. I dont know.

I think alot of MENA men get this golden Idea of america from the TV.. and they think they can handle it all.. they can deal with the American wife... Move here.. Open a busniess.. and live the "American Dream" - BUT once they are Knee deep in the mix... they never really understood what it all entails

Honestly.. I never hid my sassiness.. and my "italian temper/ volume" has Always been present.. He knew my kids were overwhelming (yes DID come with me to Egypt.. and he got a taste of what they were like...

AND had several SEVERAL talks about how it is NOT easy.. waltzing into america and gettin this AMAZING job.. (his friends have these Glory Story's coming into the country 10+ years ago.. It's just NOT the same anymore ) Especially with the Bush ADmin.. and the terror/ immigration crack down.. And dont kill me for saying it.. BUT people would hire spanish/ mexican work ANYDAY over an arab with how things are going in the US

Just wanted to say, I don't hide my sassiness either. Arabic women are pretty high tempered and sassy too. I hope things get better for you.

[*JG* 2]

well... at this point... I will say Fraud is NOT in my mind.. And I know many cases that THAT might be the issue.. but the man is honsetly tramatised by leaving his mother.. and truely did not care to move here - and with that being said, I know that is ALOT of his stress

At this point I DO think we both love each other... BUT.. love isnt everything. IF the american-way is more than he can handle.. american style wife and kids... well.. I dont know.

I think alot of MENA men get this golden Idea of america from the TV.. and they think they can handle it all.. they can deal with the American wife... Move here.. Open a busniess.. and live the "American Dream" - BUT once they are Knee deep in the mix... they never really understood what it all entails

Honestly.. I never hid my sassiness.. and my "italian temper/ volume" has Always been present.. He knew my kids were overwhelming (yes DID come with me to Egypt.. and he got a taste of what they were like...

AND had several SEVERAL talks about how it is NOT easy.. waltzing into america and gettin this AMAZING job.. (his friends have these Glory Story's coming into the country 10+ years ago.. It's just NOT the same anymore ) Especially with the Bush ADmin.. and the terror/ immigration crack down.. And dont kill me for saying it.. BUT people would hire spanish/ mexican work ANYDAY over an arab with how things are going in the US

I'm just so sorry. My hubby is a mama's boy too....or was, him being the oldest of 2 boys and the family provider. In our case, his mom has done things to bury herself.

Patience for both of you. Have you sat down and told him all this?

[deemabrouk 0]

well... at this point... I will say Fraud is NOT in my mind.. And I know many cases that THAT might be the issue.. but the man is honsetly tramatised by leaving his mother.. and truely did not care to move here - and with that being said, I know that is ALOT of his stress

At this point I DO think we both love each other... BUT.. love isnt everything. IF the american-way is more than he can handle.. american style wife and kids... well.. I dont know.

I think alot of MENA men get this golden Idea of america from the TV.. and they think they can handle it all.. they can deal with the American wife... Move here.. Open a busniess.. and live the "American Dream" - BUT once they are Knee deep in the mix... they never really understood what it all entails

Honestly.. I never hid my sassiness.. and my "italian temper/ volume" has Always been present.. He knew my kids were overwhelming (yes DID come with me to Egypt.. and he got a taste of what they were like...

AND had several SEVERAL talks about how it is NOT easy.. waltzing into america and gettin this AMAZING job.. (his friends have these Glory Story's coming into the country 10+ years ago.. It's just NOT the same anymore ) Especially with the Bush ADmin.. and the terror/ immigration crack down.. And dont kill me for saying it.. BUT people would hire spanish/ mexican work ANYDAY over an arab with how things are going in the US

I'm just so sorry. My hubby is a mama's boy too....or was, him being the oldest of 2 boys and the family provider. In our case, his mom has done things to bury herself.

Patience for both of you. Have you sat down and told him all this?

yes

[Ban Hammer 13,110]

I don't hide my sassiness either. Arabic women are pretty high tempered and sassy too.

I def. don't hide my sassiness either.

i never noticed either of you being sassy

[Heartland 0]

Can the loans be gotten before AOS?

I thought this would fall under the NO NOS associated with the Affidavit of support?

Student loans are usually really easy to get and you don't have to pay them back until you've been out of school for 6 months, and you can always request extensions. Also, the rates are tiny, like 2% right now, below prime, and the pay back monthly amounts are low, usually just what you can afford to pay, so this might be just $50/month and the interest is tax deductible. Oh, and they don't approve you based on credit, either. And depending on the time of year, there are Pell Grants, etc. You just fill out the FAFSA (federal student loan app) and you submit it, and you get back a list of what you qualify for. Grants normally you don't pay back. Of all my debt, my student loans are the least of my worries, plus I get a tax deduction on the interest every year. Plus, you aren't just approved for school fees, you can potentially get enough for living expenses, too.

Thanks peezey for stating this. My husband has been going to the local CC for a year now. He takes out minimal student loans to pay for furthering his education. One thing I would like to add...they really need to wait until they have their greencard before going to college. Why? Because it makes the whole financial end much easier. They can actually qualify for grants that way or, in the case of here in FL, can actually be considered as in-state residents because they are married to someone who has lived in the state for 5 years.

Twila

Everyone check out their state/county because in CA you are considered a resident after 6 months, married or not, green card or not.