Looking for work... Driving me crazy!!!!!!!

[Marry American 0]

Of course, I disagree. I am divorced with children. My children love their daddy. So with any man, there was a possibility that the situation would not have been cohesive in the beginning. The only conclusion to a perfect situation would have been not to date or marry again. The next solution would be to work at making it a good situation for everyone involved.

My children and new husband get along just fine, but I do not get along with my children perfectly all the time. I don't expect my husband will either. We all have to work at what is at hand to make it a good situation. Throwing in the towel is an easy out. Of course children may have to take some time to adjust to a new husband in your life. Some kids may take longer to adjust. I know my kids told me that they did not want my husband to come several times. I knew that because my sons and husband were active in sports that they would get along just fine.

Find something in common that your husband and the children will enjoying doing together.

[♥JP♥ 5]

Of course, I disagree. I am divorced with children. My children love their daddy. So with any man, there was a possibility that the situation would not have been cohesive in the beginning. The only conclusion to a perfect situation would have been not to date or marry again. The next solution would be to work at making it a good situation for everyone involved.

My children and new husband get along just fine, but I do not get along with my children perfectly all the time. I don't expect my husband will either. We all have to work at what is at hand to make it a good situation. Throwing in the towel is an easy out. Of course children may have to take some time to adjust to a new husband in your life. Some kids may take longer to adjust. I know my kids told me that they did not want my husband to come several times. I knew that because my sons and husband were active in sports that they would get along just fine.

Find something in common that your husband and the children will enjoying doing together.

The problem here isn't about the way he gets along with her children, its how he gets along with her. And when there is no harmony in the house that affects children very much.

[ya falaha! 0]

Especially young children.

[♥JP♥ 5]

Especially young children.

Right. Some of the stuff I read on VJ worries me. I don't know how someone can just completly dismiss thieir childs feelings or put thier new husband/fiance ahead of their children. If a man really loved you, he wouldnt allow you to put him ahead of your kids.

[Marry American 0]

The stuff I read on VJ worries me as well. How is making a working situation for all parties involved putting your husband first?

[♥JP♥ 5]

The stuff I read on VJ worries me as well. How is making a working situation for all parties involved putting your husband first?

Making something work is a 2 way street. If the other party isnt putting forth any effort then it will never work.

I agree that its important to make things work, but both parties have to be willing to do so.

[Marry American 0]

Of course, I disagree. I am divorced with children. My children love their daddy. So with any man, there was a possibility that the situation would not have been cohesive in the beginning. The only conclusion to a perfect situation would have been not to date or marry again. The next solution would be to work at making it a good situation for everyone involved.

My children and new husband get along just fine, but I do not get along with my children perfectly all the time. I don't expect my husband will either. We all have to work at what is at hand to make it a good situation. Throwing in the towel is an easy out. Of course children may have to take some time to adjust to a new husband in your life. Some kids may take longer to adjust. I know my kids told me that they did not want my husband to come several times. I knew that because my sons and husband were active in sports that they would get along just fine.

Find something in common that your husband and the children will enjoying doing together.

The problem here isn't about the way he gets along with her children, its how he gets along with her. And when there is no harmony in the house that affects children very much.

I must admit, I have not read through the entire thread.

Having a new husband effects children automatically. Before I make further comments, I will take the time to read everything.

The stuff I read on VJ worries me as well. How is making a working situation for all parties involved putting your husband first?

Making something work is a 2 way street. If the other party isnt putting forth any effort then it will never work.

I agree that its important to make things work, but both parties have to be willing to do so.

I agree, but what I disagree with is that after only a short time...possibly ending it all (if I read certain parts correctly) is an option.

Edited August 1, 2007 by i adore you

[♥JP♥ 5]

Of course, I disagree. I am divorced with children. My children love their daddy. So with any man, there was a possibility that the situation would not have been cohesive in the beginning. The only conclusion to a perfect situation would have been not to date or marry again. The next solution would be to work at making it a good situation for everyone involved.

My children and new husband get along just fine, but I do not get along with my children perfectly all the time. I don't expect my husband will either. We all have to work at what is at hand to make it a good situation. Throwing in the towel is an easy out. Of course children may have to take some time to adjust to a new husband in your life. Some kids may take longer to adjust. I know my kids told me that they did not want my husband to come several times. I knew that because my sons and husband were active in sports that they would get along just fine.

Find something in common that your husband and the children will enjoying doing together.

The problem here isn't about the way he gets along with her children, its how he gets along with her. And when there is no harmony in the house that affects children very much.

I must admit, I have not read through the entire thread.

Having a new husband effects children automatically. Before I make further comments, I will take the time to read everything.

The stuff I read on VJ worries me as well. How is making a working situation for all parties involved putting your husband first?

Making something work is a 2 way street. If the other party isnt putting forth any effort then it will never work.

I agree that its important to make things work, but both parties have to be willing to do so.

I agree, but what I disagree with is that after only a short time...possibly ending it all (if I read certain parts correctly) is an option.

Maybe you should read the entire thread before making that assumption. She has been through a lot.

[doodlebug 3]

Of course there are adjustments for all parties concerned. I'm not looking forward to that part of the marriage in terms of my kids adjusting. Let's face it, I have lived alone with them for 9 years now so having another human being, whether it be my husband or anyone else for that matter, is going to cause some tension at certain points in time. That is normal.

The problem that seems to be at hand here is what is a "normal" adjustment of 1) another human being living in the house, 2) another authority figure in the house (for the kids), 3) having to adapt to a COMPLETELY different culture and what is "abnormal" and when do you decide that something needs to be done at least for the sake of the children.

The age of the children is a factor too. Granted some teenagers will be miserable no matter what happens...it's just their nature and it shouldn't be that the parent caters to their every whim. Where young children (13 and under at least anyways) are concerned though, the parent has to be super vigilant and have wide eyes to what is going on, i.e. behavioral changes and the like.

I'm sorry but my kids are 10 and 11 and if after a few weeks they are showing to me that they are not comfortable at all with the situation it's time to make a decision. I'm not talking about just having a hissy fit and going into their rooms a few times a week....that's to be expected I think and I would encourage that they express their feelings however they want within reason. Bottom line though is that this is their house, their home and they should feel comfortable no matter what. They did not choose to be put in this situation, I did and it should be to their benefit, not to their detriment. My husband knows how adamant I feel about this and I probably have him more nervous than he should be at this point about how he acts with them but if I don't see to their happiness who the heck will?

Sure I'm married and I made a committment but lets not be pollyanish (sp?) about this. This isn't the 50's where we always get married till death to us part. Sure we'd like to think it but in the day and age where single parents are getting married the rules are a little different, or they should be anyways.

[♥JP♥ 5]

Of course there are adjustments for all parties concerned. I'm not looking forward to that part of the marriage in terms of my kids adjusting. Let's face it, I have lived alone with them for 9 years now so having another human being, whether it be my husband or anyone else for that matter, is going to cause some tension at certain points in time. That is normal.

The problem that seems to be at hand here is what is a "normal" adjustment of 1) another human being living in the house, 2) another authority figure in the house (for the kids), 3) having to adapt to a COMPLETELY different culture and what is "abnormal" and when do you decide that something needs to be done at least for the sake of the children.

The age of the children is a factor too. Granted some teenagers will be miserable no matter what happens...it's just their nature and it shouldn't be that the parent caters to their every whim. Where young children (13 and under at least anyways) are concerned though, the parent has to be super vigilant and have wide eyes to what is going on, i.e. behavioral changes and the like.

I'm sorry but my kids are 10 and 11 and if after a few weeks they are showing to me that they are not comfortable at all with the situation it's time to make a decision. I'm not talking about just having a hissy fit and going into their rooms a few times a week....that's to be expected I think and I would encourage that they express their feelings however they want within reason. Bottom line though is that this is their house, their home and they should feel comfortable no matter what. They did not choose to be put in this situation, I did and it should be to their benefit, not to their detriment. My husband knows how adamant I feel about this and I probably have him more nervous than he should be at this point about how he acts with them but if I don't see to their happiness who the heck will?

Sure I'm married and I made a committment but lets not be pollyanish (sp?) about this. This isn't the 50's where we always get married till death to us part. Sure we'd like to think it but in the day and age where single parents are getting married the rules are a little different, or they should be anyways.

well said.

[Jenn! 918]

Sure I'm married and I made a committment but lets not be pollyanish (sp?) about this. This isn't the 50's where we always get married till death to us part. Sure we'd like to think it but in the day and age where single parents are getting married the rules are a little different, or they should be anyways.

Now don't take this the wrong way ( ). Although I understand what you're saying here, I can't help but wonder if this is why there are so many poor women who get taken for rides. If the perception is that American women value marriage and committment less, then it isn't hard to see why some men might use that as an excuse to do the same.

[doodlebug 3]

Sure I'm married and I made a committment but lets not be pollyanish (sp?) about this. This isn't the 50's where we always get married till death to us part. Sure we'd like to think it but in the day and age where single parents are getting married the rules are a little different, or they should be anyways.

Now don't take this the wrong way ( ). Although I understand what you're saying here, I can't help but wonder if this is why there are so many poor women who get taken for rides. If the perception is that American women value marriage and committment less, then it isn't hard to see why some men might use that as an excuse to do the same.

You know I don't have an answer. lol.

In my first marriage I was in it till death to we part. I knew he was cheating on me and sleeping around but I was determined to make it work. I was miserable but I was married and that was that. He ended it in the end and it was a blessing that I didn't have to live that life of hell any longer.

I think if I did not have children I would have the same determination to make it work. Like I said though when a single mom gets married the rules should be different. In my book the kids come first and the husband comes second. That sucks and all that but it's the way it is for me and my husband knew this going into the relationship. If once he's been here for a little while I feel that my children are very uncomfortable and he has made a huge effort to ease into the relationship with love and respect for them, then I'll have to assess the alternatives. I think the key though is that he needs to try and do it with love and respect and tenderness for the situation they are in. Sure he'll be in a hard situation as well, but he is 34 years old and they are 10 and 11.

I'm not saying at the first sign of uneasiness I'd kick him to the curb but I survived abuse in my childhood every single day growing up and I will not tolerate any of that in my house. I'm not saying that is the case here but for me I will be extremely on the look out for any signs just because of my personal situation and he knows this from the get-go.

Also he knew what he was getting into with me. He could have married a younger girl with no children or anything like that but he chose to get into a relationship with a woman who has two children.

Edited August 1, 2007 by doodlebug

[peezey 0]

Sure I'm married and I made a committment but lets not be pollyanish (sp?) about this. This isn't the 50's where we always get married till death to us part. Sure we'd like to think it but in the day and age where single parents are getting married the rules are a little different, or they should be anyways.

Now don't take this the wrong way ( ). Although I understand what you're saying here, I can't help but wonder if this is why there are so many poor women who get taken for rides. If the perception is that American women value marriage and committment less, then it isn't hard to see why some men might use that as an excuse to do the same.

Who said they value marriage less than anyone else?

[mybackpages 0]

Sure I'm married and I made a committment but lets not be pollyanish (sp?) about this. This isn't the 50's where we always get married till death to us part. Sure we'd like to think it but in the day and age where single parents are getting married the rules are a little different, or they should be anyways.

Now don't take this the wrong way ( ). Although I understand what you're saying here, I can't help but wonder if this is why there are so many poor women who get taken for rides. If the perception is that American women value marriage and committment less, then it isn't hard to see why some men might use that as an excuse to do the same.

Very interesting question and I want to process it in my head a bit, but really interesting.

I reada Doodle's post so differently that se is not saying marriage and committment is less valued, but rather that in this day and age women have choices and divorce does nto carry the same taboo and hardship that it did 50 years ago. I also see it in the light of Islam- that divorce is sometimes a perfectly legitimate solution- not one to be taken lightly or in haste. Keeping divorce on teh table as an option does not lessen committment in my mind. But maybe I am bing more pragmatic. Both doodle and I have been through a divorce so that certainly must color our outlook on any new relationship

[peezey 0]

I also think divorce can very much be valuing marriage. If you know to walk away because everyday your marriage isn't what you consider a testament to the institution and all that goes with it, then isn't that a responsible action to take?