Looking for work... Driving me crazy!!!!!!!

[Caladan 19]

I agree that it is he who needs to get his ####### together, but it hasn't been very long and unless I've misread this very badly, he mostly sounds very frustrated at his dreams meeting the hard shore of reality and he seems very dependent. This strikes me as something that might improve with time. Dee knows far better than any of us, of course, but cancelling the AOS doesn't seem to address the larger problem.

[peezey 0]

I agree that it is he who needs to get his ####### together, but it hasn't been very long and unless I've misread this very badly, he mostly sounds very frustrated at his dreams meeting the hard shore of reality and he seems very dependent. This strikes me as something that might improve with time. Dee knows far better than any of us, of course, but cancelling the AOS doesn't seem to address the larger problem.

It might. The larger problem might never get smaller.

She also has kids that he isn't helping with, so she's basically added another kid to her responsibility.

I don't know what Dee will decide, but I also don't think it's right to tell her **not** to feel what she feels, and right now that might be **feeling** like canceling checks for AOS. I took it as an expression of frustration. I know people don't have bad intentions but reading some comments makes it sound like she just needs to keep coping, and I think that's b.s. advice.

[peezey 0]

Like I said in the daily thread, it seems there is an urgent situation in Dee's household and she needs support in terms of actions she can follow through with to clear her head, to put a stop to his feak-outs, etc. I think as a single mom she is probably feeling far more drained by her husband than anything. He should be helping her with the kids, not sucking her dry.

[deemabrouk 0]

Like I said in the daily thread, it seems there is an urgent situation in Dee's household and she needs support in terms of actions she can follow through with to clear her head, to put a stop to his feak-outs, etc. I think as a single mom she is probably feeling far more drained by her husband than anything. He should be helping her with the kids, not sucking her dry.

100% correct..

He doesnt have any friends near... he does know someone in Philly.. But I dont think he's about to willing go for a trip

[doodlebug 3]

Like I said in the daily thread, it seems there is an urgent situation in Dee's household and she needs support in terms of actions she can follow through with to clear her head, to put a stop to his feak-outs, etc. I think as a single mom she is probably feeling far more drained by her husband than anything. He should be helping her with the kids, not sucking her dry.

100% correct..

He doesnt have any friends near... he does know someone in Philly.. But I dont think he's about to willing go for a trip

Well then it's settled. You get the chloroform and I'll start the car. I think Philly's about a 7 hour drive, right? If you weren't a veggie I'd try to tempt you with a philly cheesesteak on the way home. :energetic:

[Nasturtium 500]

Dee does he know you're to this point? if not, I'd tell him and hit him with a hard dose of reality-- including a timeline about when he needs to shape up or ship out by. I know you don't want this to dissolve, but at the same time you don't need more problems.

[Nasturtium 500]

I don't think the timeline should be long either. It sounds like he is disrespecting you and your children and causing complete disruption in your lives. He needs to cease some things immediately-- no timeline for that. Others? Short timeline for improvement and that's all he should get IMO.

Edited August 1, 2007 by julianna

[peezey 0]

I don't think the timeline should be long either. It sounds like he is disrespecting you and your children and causing complete disruption in your lives. He needs to cease some things immediately-- no timeline for that. Others? Short timeline for improvement and that's all he should get IMO.

And I think using the kids as the reason, because it is the reason, is a good way to start the conversation. It's one thing if a woman chooses to endure things on her own, but when her kids are in chaos because of problems between their mom and this new guy that has come into their home, well, you have to stop this short.

[Caladan 19]

peezey (and dee), I'd hope you'd have enough of a sense of me to know that I wasn't trying to tell dee to suck it up and be a good little wife or ignore her gut. But I don't think AOS should ever be used as a bargaining chip (and VAWA seems to agree.) If you're sure you don't want to file, then withdraw it, but I don't think it's advisable to use a green card as a carrot or a stick or as part of any ultimatum.

dee, would it help to turn off the instant messenger at work (you mentioned he bothers you at work) so at least you have a little peace and quiet and your own headspace? Are you near family, and could they take the kids for the weekend so you and he can really have it out without them overhearing it? Can you give him manly chores around the house to do (shelves, fences, mowing the lawn)?

[~~~water~~~ 0]

What did he do for work in Egypt? If he went to college in Egypt what did he study?

I know your stuggling just hang in there. Maybee oyu could find somthing to sell on ebay. This way he will be busy photographing sending. Just a thoought also counseling would be great if you both would agree to it.

hang in there

[mybackpages 0]

I stand my my siggestion that Dee needs some new ways to cope with all this. By that I do not mean so she can suck it up and continue to make allowances for behavior that is harming the family and the relatinship. Coping skills means she will find ways to set boundaries, handle her own reaction to the situation. This will nto sovle the problem, but it will allow her to get up everyday without feeling such emotional drain and be more capable of tackling what is the real problem.

[peezey 0]

peezey (and dee), I'd hope you'd have enough of a sense of me to know that I wasn't trying to tell dee to suck it up and be a good little wife or ignore her gut. But I don't think AOS should ever be used as a bargaining chip (and VAWA seems to agree.) If you're sure you don't want to file, then withdraw it, but I don't think it's advisable to use a green card as a carrot or a stick or as part of any ultimatum.

dee, would it help to turn off the instant messenger at work (you mentioned he bothers you at work) so at least you have a little peace and quiet and your own headspace? Are you near family, and could they take the kids for the weekend so you and he can really have it out without them overhearing it? Can you give him manly chores around the house to do (shelves, fences, mowing the lawn)?

We must be reading things altogether differently because I never got the impression she was using AOS as a bargaining chip. I thought she was venting. And, if someone wants to pull the AOS application, I don't see it as a bargaining chip, I see it as a "well, this sucks that it didn't work out but I'm not going any farther than this" decision.

[♥JP♥ 5]

Wow...well honestly Dee, don't give him a choice about going to Philly. He needs to shape up and fast. Why dont you hold off on AOS until the situation gets better? It seems that you have been to nice and accomodating to him and maybe its time that you treat him like one of your kids since that is how he wants to act. Girl you need to put your foot down, and right on his head!!!!

[deemabrouk 0]

Like I said in the daily thread, it seems there is an urgent situation in Dee's household and she needs support in terms of actions she can follow through with to clear her head, to put a stop to his feak-outs, etc. I think as a single mom she is probably feeling far more drained by her husband than anything. He should be helping her with the kids, not sucking her dry.

100% correct..

He doesnt have any friends near... he does know someone in Philly.. But I dont think he's about to willing go for a trip

Well then it's settled. You get the chloroform and I'll start the car. I think Philly's about a 7 hour drive, right? If you weren't a veggie I'd try to tempt you with a philly cheesesteak on the way home. :energetic:

i hear they have Great Veggie philly cheesesteaks

maybe i'll start to google where i can get the chloroform

[Ban Hammer 13,283]

must be a blue moon - so far i've agreed with every post by peezey