How is your SO adjusting?

[Kelechi 0]

My husband has been in the U.S. for 6 days now and he is adjusting quite nicely. He is learning how to count the coins and it is very funny to see him get at the cash register and count the quarters, nickles and dimes. He loves the foods that we eat especially pasta salad and lasagne. As time goes on I will be telling of his adjustment. Hopefully soon he will get his drivers license so he can drive himself around and get more familiar with his surroundings. He loves Wal-Mart and is like a little child on Christmas morning when he is there. I am very proud of him and how he is keeping our family together and in tack. More to come later as he adjusts.

[JJWashington 0]

Mine is not here yet (just two more weeks), but in a lot of ways I don't want him to become Americanized. I want him to adjust just like I adjusted to his country. However, I fell in love with him because of the values he has. All the African men I know (quite a few) believe in taking care of home. No offense to American Black men, but the ones I have encountered are intimidated by a woman that is highly educated, which I have never understood. However, my fiance loves and admires the fact that I am educated (we know what education means to Africans). There is no argument about who's the man and him feeling inferior because I have 2 1/2 pieces of paper that says I can do something. He knows that he is the man and I respect every aspect of his personality. I'm like Jill Scott's song I Still Need You. I can take care of myself, but some things still require a man!

Sorry if I got off topic some, but point is I want him to adjust to our society without losing his traditional African values.

My husband has been here just over two years. Our second wedding anniversery is in a few weeks. We just bought our first house together. And in those two short years he managed to establish a good credit and work history and he is the main borrower on the loan instead of me--the USC--I'm still having a hard time figuring it out.

We both have jobs we love and that helps alot. The rest of it has been learning to mesh two lives together and that Atlantic ocean can sure mean there are alot of differences to come to communicate about and come to agreement to. I sure do respect and appreciate all he does for me. I'm glad we didn't give up on each other during the rough times. I am so very grateful he is my husband.

I definitely agree with the things you have said here!

[reeses16 8]

Onwa,

Thank you so much for taking the time to post. It gives me something to look forward to. Right now were in the middle of AOS, he's adjusting to the US, and we're adjusting to each other. We're optimistic and your story reminds us that in 2 years time we could be where you are, a regular married couple, building the life we want together.

My husband has been here just over two years. Our second wedding anniversery is in a few weeks. We just bought our first house together. And in those two short years he managed to establish a good credit and work history and he is the main borrower on the loan instead of me--the USC--I'm still having a hard time figuring it out.

We both have jobs we love and that helps alot. The rest of it has been learning to mesh two lives together and that Atlantic ocean can sure mean there are alot of differences to come to communicate about and come to agreement to. I sure do respect and appreciate all he does for me. I'm glad we didn't give up on each other during the rough times. I am so very grateful he is my husband.

Kelechi! I'm glad to know everything is well. : ) My hubby loves Wal-mart too. lol.

My husband has been in the U.S. for 6 days now and he is adjusting quite nicely. He is learning how to count the coins and it is very funny to see him get at the cash register and count the quarters, nickles and dimes. He loves the foods that we eat especially pasta salad and lasagne. As time goes on I will be telling of his adjustment. Hopefully soon he will get his drivers license so he can drive himself around and get more familiar with his surroundings. He loves Wal-Mart and is like a little child on Christmas morning when he is there. I am very proud of him and how he is keeping our family together and in tack. More to come later as he adjusts.

[Ta Ta 1]

Hey Princess you've changed your name............all quiet and all

[LovinLiberia 0]

lol!

[mmarlo 1]

I would say that in general Jacinta is adapting well. She loves some of the conveniences, like being able to get to town, do things, and get back home without necessarily taking an entire day to do it. She likes the roads, high-speed internet at home, predictable electricity, and she's enjoying some new food here, while still being able to prepare most things from back home (we had a barbeque two weekends ago with roasted goat meat!). I think she likes most of the shops, although everything is too expensive, she's not working, and we've been without a salary until my job at UCLA starts next month! I'd say the hardest things are not being able to get home to see her sister's wedding, boredom from not being able to work or have much to do, and not having enough money to do things as freely as we did while living in Kenya. Jacinta's found different ways of getting in touch with her friends and family back home--email, YM, phone cards, etc.--but there was just no way for us to get back for her sister's wedding, and of course no one in her family got to attend ours (though we did just send them a DVD of the ceremony). We signed up for Blockbuster Total Access, so we're going through more movies than we should, but that's getting to be a bit old.

I'd say that one thing that has been a bit hard for me is the fact that Jacinta isn't driving here yet, and so I end up spending a lot of time driving around when I'd rather be doing something else. I work from home, but I normally work about 50 hours a week, and I just feel like I'm getting pulled in too many directions, without enough time to myself. I know it's a bit selfish, but my work is also my hobby, and I think we're still trying to find that right balance between our personal and professional lives (and it's easy to mix the two when you work from home, and it's hard to have much of a professional life when USCIS prevents you from working or going to school!). We're also getting ready to move across the country for my next job, and that's stressful since we don't have a place there yet, and we're still trying to figure out how to get all of our things there. It's also a bit weird spending like 22 hours a day with another person, even someone you love completely. I think we're both waiting to get settled and resume some kind of normal life. But that's all on hold as we wait for AOS and EAD and as we get ready to move to LA, start my new job, etc., and in the meantime, there's too much stressing about how everything is going to work out, money, etc.

Another thing that has been a bit tough is adapting to my family, who have interacted with Jacinta in somewhat unexpected ways. Not long after Jacinta arrived, my grandfather passed away, and virtually everyone in my family got to meet Jacinta, and then a month later we got married in Vegas with my parents, sisters, and a few aunts and uncles in attendance. It was great those first few visits, but in some more recent visits where there was a bit more time together, my mom ended up making some rather offensive remarks without even realizing it. My mom is a really sweet person, she's really friendly and outgoing, she's bought Jacinta a bunch of gifts when she came to the US, for our wedding, and for her birthday, she's always so happy to see Jacinta. However, she keeps making a big deal out of things that she thinks are new to Jacinta here in the US, exposing a cultural arrogance or elitism that is degrading to Jacinta. Last week, we were visiting my grandparents and one night my grandmother was asking people how they wanted their steaks cooked (medium, well done, etc.). When she asked Jacinta, my mom made some off-hand remark like, "how would she know the difference?!". She also kept making a point of telling everyone around how Jacinta had never flown before she came to the US. On its own, that wouldn't have meant much, but once before she also made a point of pointing out and repeating to several people that Jacinta had never had a massage before my mom arranged for them to get massages before our wedding. It's true that Jacinta hadn't flown before, but that's certainly nothing special in Kenya, where ground transportation is the norm except for the ultra-rich, but it was just false that Jacinta had never had a massage before. The very day before, she had gotten a (nicer) massage when she had a facial at a salon where we live, and while Jacinta was living in Nairobi, she had weekly manicures and bi-weekly pedicures, all of which came with a massage. And in any case, who cares; it's not like my mom has a lot of experience eating escargo, cavier, or truffles; different cultures value different things differently, and what we do in the US isn't inherently better than somewhere else. Anyway, it all left the impression that my mom perceives Jacinta as some poor African girl is in need of our civilizing, and it also reveals a kind of classism that I hadn't really noticed before so up-close: how many of the 46 million uninsured people in this country do you think are Sky Team Elite members?! The fact that this affects my mom, who on all appearances should be more sensitive but who had no idea she was saying anything degrading, makes it worse, because this attitude must be extremely common (and every time I hear TV ads or something talking about starving children in Africa, I think our neo-colonialist society does nothing but magnify those misconceptions and stereotypes). Unfortunately, I didn't hear any of my mom's comments directly--I was in a different room each time she said something offense--so I couldn't say anything when it happened. Now Jacinta doesn't want me to make a big deal out of it, and I'm stuck in a difficult position. I'm the type of person who can let something go relatively easily, but only if I say something about it. On the other hand, if I just stay quiet about some problem, it'll keep lingering, and in the present case, I know I'll explode if I hear someone in my family make another ignorant comment about Africans.

In any case, Jacinta and I are so happy to be together. Dealing with these problems now, together, is much better than being apart, wondering when we'll be able to see each other again.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

In any case, Jacinta and I are so happy to be together. Dealing with these problems now, together, is much better than being apart, wondering when we'll be able to see each other again.

Hey! It's great to hear from you again!

It sounds like Jacinta is level headed about things - I'd chalk most of the ignorance expressed by family members as just that, ignorance. I caught my Dad using the word, oriental the other day on the phone. He's well educated - Masters in History and a very well read person and liberally minded...but he's also nearly 80 and has moments where he says some

off the wall things that sound like straight out of the mouth from someone like Rush Limbaugh.

If I could make some suggestions to help not only Jacinta's, but both of your adjustment.

First, let her make your place her own, the way the furniture is arranged, how things are organized, etc.

Once you arrive here in LA, help her get familiarized with the transit system. Also there's so much diverse culture here and food - the two of you can explore it and find what you both like.

There's also so many places here to see and experience - Getty Museum, La Brea Tar Pits, LACMA just to name a few that I'd recommend making a point to go somewhere new every weekend.

The idea is that both of you discover new sites, sounds, tastes together even though you maybe more familiar to some things here, the purpose is to find common interests as well as new shared experiences. I think that is so crucial to a marriage.

And lastly, see if you can get her connected to some local Kenyans here in LA. Build new friendships and social networks together.

Best wishes on your move to LA! We should definitely meet up for lunch or dinner once you two are settled in!

[mmarlo 1]

Steven, thanks for the advice. I can't wait to get to LA because then we can do some of the things that you mention. We'll be in a place that we pick out and furnish together. We'll both be new to the city, so we'll be forced to adapt to the transit system on our own, learn the best ways to get around and what the city has to offer. I'll have an affiliation with the African Studies center at UCLA and already have a couple Kenyan friends there, so I think we'll quickly become part of that community. I'm looking forward to moving out there because, after four months here in Ann Arbor, it seems like we'll finally have a chance to start living in a place together, not just staying somewhere temporarily, as in our current situation. Anyway, it would be cool if we could get together once we're in town--thanks for the offer!