NOW THAT HE IS HERE.................

[amrssnowangel 0]

Salam Alaikum,

Someone made a statment on another thread here that I thought I'd bounce off of. "And we thought immigration was hard..." I wanted to start a thread that we could share some of the moments we had adjusting to the arrival of our loved ones. Giving support to those during these times of adjustments from MENA to USA. And learning from their experiences. What were the hardest things to adjust to? What worked to solve it and what didn't.

I DONT want this to be a negative thread and this is NOT about marriage fraud but about REAL marriage issues and adjustments made more difficult by immigtrating. This isn't a place to bash husbands/wives and certainly not intended to air dirty laundry. But I know we can each learn from others experiences and offer our support.

For those of you going through an adjustment either married or not....I wish you well and keep you in my prayers...hang in there...

Marriage is like two rivers coming together....when two smooth rivers join...there is rough waters....but further down...the joined river DOES smooth out.

Im not married but found the biggest adjustment was his view of male/female interactions. He is a bit traditional in some areas and believes a woman should not be "friendly" in her speech to a man. Here, women talk and are friendly and polite to waiters, business men and any other man that she talks to. I consider it polite he considers it flirting. We have not yet reached a full compromise, but since I have converted to Islam I've adopted alot of this mentality but still have struggles with it.

Faith

[♥JP♥ 5]

Im not married but found the biggest adjustment was his view of male/female interactions. He is a bit traditional in some areas and believes a woman should not be "friendly" in her speech to a man. Here, women talk and are friendly and polite to waiters, business men and any other man that she talks to. I consider it polite he considers it flirting. We have not yet reached a full compromise, but since I have converted to Islam I've adopted alot of this mentality but still have struggles with it.

Faith

I don't know if I would say (or if you are saying) that this mentality is linked to Islam. IMO it's just cultural. My fiance/husband is the same way and we are not muslim. Most of my family is this way too.

I guess I'm used to it since I grew up that way. I wasn't even allowed to hang out with male cousins past a certain age. I still remember when I was 6 years old and I had on this cute polka dot fushia bikini, my dad came home and I was playing in the sprinklers with our neighbors 6 year old son. He made me go inside and wouldnt let me play with him again. I think that is when I first became concious of it.

[UmmSqueakster 54]

Along a similar vein, here is a thread from last year where posters shared ideas on how to help their SOs adjust.

Tamer has been here almost 2 years (ya Rabb, how time flies!), and we still are learning how to live together. I agree whole heartedly with the opinions expressed by other posters - the visa process is the easy part, once he gets here, you're in for a wild ride. My experiences can be boiled down to 4 pieces of advice:

Be patient

Don't take things personally

It may have all just been a big misunderstanding (and misunderstandings happen a lot with cultural differences and when your SO is ESL)

Don't get angry

[ya falaha! 0]

Not MENA specific....don't expect them to read your mind. If you want them to help you with or to do something...ask. Men can sit and watch you clean the house with ease, you have to actually ask them to help. They will not always automatically pitch in.

[Jenn! 918]

Not MENA specific....don't expect them to read your mind. If you want them to help you with or to do something...ask. Men can sit and watch you clean the house with ease, you have to actually ask them to help. They will not always automatically pitch in.

True for us, definitely. It reminds me of the movie The Breakup with Jennifer Aniston when they're arguing about doing dishes and she tells him that she wants him to *want* to do the dishes. And he's like why would I want to do the dishes?

[deemabrouk 0]

well I guess I'll chime in on this one... Since I was the one stating how bad things are right now

And I am not bashing anyone... esp. my husband... BUT

I'll start off with... No Matter how many times you talk about How life will be in America.. the Patience that your SO will have to have... How your life will be together... NOTHING will prepare them fully.. until they are here and KNEE deep in it!!!

Egyptian life compared to the American life is sorta night and day....

And YESsssss... they can say they can deal with ANYTHING as long as they are with you but again, living it is something different.

The life here IS fast paced... and No you can not just stroll into work everyday late... and NO you cant stay up ALL HOURS OF THE NIGHT... and wake up and be productive and chipper.. and NO you cant just waltz into the Gold pot of America and start a business/ job and start making tons of money

*deep breath*

Edited July 23, 2007 by deemabrouk

[mybackpages 0]

It may have all just been a big misunderstanding (and misunderstandings happen a lot with cultural differences and when your SO is ESL)

Oh the ESL husband....yeah, more than once my hubby has said something and my first instinct was to be insulted. When I told him what he said in other words, he would deny he ever said that. It's not a memory loss, he really never said what I heard. OH ESL conversations can be soooo interesting!

[ya falaha! 0]

It works the other way around, too. I knew my husband wouldn't be able to work until he got his EAD, I knew I'd have a "normal" full time marriage, etc. but until I had to actually live it I didn't realize just how much adjusting I'd be doing. Throughout the process I never really thought about how much all these things would affect me. All I can say is, thank God I have a patient husband. I can't imagine the both of us freaking out. Also, thank God he has four sisters and knows just how bitchy women can be.

well I guess I'll chime in on this one... Since I was the one stating how bad things are right now

And I am not bashing anyone... esp. my husband... BUT

I'll start off with... No Matter how many times you talk about How life will be in America.. the Patience that your SO will have to have... How your life will be together... NOTHING will prepare them fully.. until they are here and KNEE deep in it!!!

Egyptian life compared to the American life is sorta night and day....

And YESsssss... they can say they can deal with ANYTHING as long as they are with you but again, living it is something different.

The life here IS fast paced... and No you can not just stroll into work everyday late... and NO you cant stay up ALL HOURS OF THE NIGHT... and wake up and be productive and chipper.. and NO you cant just waltz into the Gold pot of America and start a business/ job and start making tons of money

*deep breath*

[deemabrouk 0]

well mohamed had 4 sisters too... but apparently they are not the type who speak their mind like me

It works the other way around, too. I knew my husband wouldn't be able to work until he got his EAD, I knew I'd have a "normal" full time marriage, etc. but until I had to actually live it I didn't realize just how much adjusting I'd be doing. Throughout the process I never really thought about how much all these things would affect me. All I can say is, thank God I have a patient husband. I can't imagine the both of us freaking out. Also, thank God he has four sisters and knows just how bitchy women can be.

well I guess I'll chime in on this one... Since I was the one stating how bad things are right now

And I am not bashing anyone... esp. my husband... BUT

I'll start off with... No Matter how many times you talk about How life will be in America.. the Patience that your SO will have to have... How your life will be together... NOTHING will prepare them fully.. until they are here and KNEE deep in it!!!

Egyptian life compared to the American life is sorta night and day....

And YESsssss... they can say they can deal with ANYTHING as long as they are with you but again, living it is something different.

The life here IS fast paced... and No you can not just stroll into work everyday late... and NO you cant stay up ALL HOURS OF THE NIGHT... and wake up and be productive and chipper.. and NO you cant just waltz into the Gold pot of America and start a business/ job and start making tons of money

*deep breath*

[ya falaha! 0]

Haha! My SILs aren't afraid to say what's what so Moh had plenty of experience with that even before marrying me.

[deemabrouk 0]

Haha! My SILs aren't afraid to say what's what so Moh had plenty of experience with that even before marrying me.

i WISH !!!!!!!

[allousa 1]

It may have all just been a big misunderstanding (and misunderstandings happen a lot with cultural differences and when your SO is ESL)

Oh the ESL husband....yeah, more than once my hubby has said something and my first instinct was to be insulted. When I told him what he said in other words, he would deny he ever said that. It's not a memory loss, he really never said what I heard. OH ESL conversations can be soooo interesting!

You are SO completely right on about this! Hicham's English was pretty good when we first met, since he had been going to school for a couple of years already. But even then and sometimes to this day, he might say something that translates the wrong way. We've really learned to talk things out and I'm learning to not take things personally...from him!

[amrssnowangel 0]

Haha! My SILs aren't afraid to say what's what so Moh had plenty of experience with that even before marrying me.

i WISH !!!!!!!

MY SO asks if Im mad at him when i speak my mind...well used to...now he knows...

Do they seem to have a hard time adjusting to the "fast paced" american life?? Work ethic issues? HAVE they adjusted? What things have worked to help them adjust???

[allousa 1]

well mohamed had 4 sisters too... but apparently they are not the type who speak their mind like me

Oh man...that has got to make all that much harder!

Inshallah you two will work things out.

[Marry American 0]

Here is another thread that could be useful making a marriage work. It is not specifically about a Mena relationship, but good still.

Edited July 23, 2007 by i adore you