My Husband's Secret

[confusedsoul 7]

Both children are married. He said they were in a relationship for 9 yrs with the ex.

[Kanja 202]

Just now, confusedsoul said:

He said they are married so there is no legal support that he needs to give.

Still married? Or used to be married? 
 

If still married you may want to speak to a lawyer asap 

Just now, confusedsoul said:

Both children are married. He said they were in a relationship for 9 yrs with the ex.

Okay I misunderstood you, I thought you meant he was married with the “ex”.

[confusedsoul 7]

I mean they are NOT married so there is no legal support that he needs to give.

[Kanja 202]

Just now, confusedsoul said:

I mean they are NOT married so there is no legal support that he needs to give.

Yes but sometimes when people get divorced the judge makes an arrangement. For example, when my sister in law got divorced the judge ordered her ex to pay her mortgage.

 

anyways, more communication may be needed but you may have options if things don’t change. 

[confusedsoul 7]

Thank you for all the replies. I just don't know what to do so that I came here in this site to get more advise for those people who are experiencing like what I am experiencing. 

[Kanja 202]

Just now, confusedsoul said:

Thank you for all the replies. I just don't know what to do so that I came here in this site to get more advise for those people who are experiencing like what I am experiencing. 

I know of a male that went through something similar. Happy to chat in private message if you like to let you know how things worked out for him. 

[Cathi 5,775]

If it were me, I would reach out to his "ex partner" to ask her side of the story. But that's just me...

[SalishSea 18,000]

3 hours ago, confusedsoul said:

Actually he is not sleeping with me right now for 1 month. He said he owes his company and he has no money to pay and in order to pay the company is to work to the company at least 2 hours during night. So after his delivery he will just go home to take a shower and most of the time doesn't eat here at home.  After I found out about his ex, I don't believe that he is really working at night. 

Sounds to me like he has another home with a wife and family.   I’d say cut your losses and leave asap.

[SalishSea 18,000]

3 hours ago, Kanja said:

Abuse does not have to be physical. It can be emotional, it can be mental. Luckily VAWA I also considers what the perception of the self petitioner is . If my partner wouldn’t introduce me as their wife, wouldn’t sleep at home, had another woman as their screen saver that they “didn’t know”, and that woman they didn’t know ended up being their wife, I would feel emotionally abused.

 

However , you are right in the sense that it’s up to the OP to determine if they were abused. But there are options. 

No, there are actual OBJECTIVE criteria for VAWA.   Please Google it.   Not being introduced as someone’s wife is not quite being subjected to “extreme cruelty.”

[Family 4,090]

5 hours ago, confusedsoul said:

He works as a delivery guy so sometimes I go with him so I will not be just at home. He loves to work. He leaves the apartment at 3am and comes  most of the time around 7pm or 8pm

If you are up to it, tell him you would like to go and work with rather than stay alone in the apartment.
Say you would like to train an learn to see if the two of you could increase the deliveries if you come on board. 
 

Put it in your mind to go with him wherever he goes for the next month…it may tire you out but you will gain peace of mind and the two of you will have lots and lots of time for chatting and maybe connecting more. 
 

Pack lunches for both of you every day and join him all the way through taking food for his mom…tell him you need to share your day and nights with him so there will never be anything that can come between you.

 

I don’t think he would have invested so much time , effort and resources into  your relationship and marriage if he didn’t truly love and value you. 
 

Whatever “attachment “ lingers with the ex,  remember he asked YOU to marry him and spend the rest of your life together.. 

 

If he is reserved and stingy about showing physical affection in public, heck just smooch him cuddle him in front of everyone whenever you feel the need. 
 

Don’t let your imagination get the best of you…but I must say you write well and had me in suspense throughout. Chin up, all will be well 

 

Unless oh course you want to call it quits. …

 

 

 

[African Zealot 1,455]

What country are you from? What exactly do you want? Be honest with yourself. If staying in the USA is absolutely important to yo, tolerate his gimmicks for another few months until your change of status is approved and you’re solid with immigration then confront him because he’s telling a lot of lies. Also request to meet his “other family” he’s so attached to.

 

I don’t believe he’s married to her (divorce decrees would have been needed for filings) etc but he’s telling a lot of lies about sleeping at office, not being intimate etc. He needs to come clean, commit to introducing you as his wife and fully integrating you into whatever social network he has otherwise you shouldn’t continue this relationship.

 

He’s 63, he needs to cut these games and subterfuge.

Edited November 20, 2022 by African Zealot

[Kanja 202]

5 hours ago, Jorgedig said:

No, there are actual OBJECTIVE criteria for VAWA.   Please Google it.   Not being introduced as someone’s wife is not quite being subjected to “extreme cruelty.”

I don’t need to google it as I know a few people that have gotten approved for VAWA but I’ll do it anyways . Even someone’s husband or wife saying “I won’t help you get your green card” can be enough for qualification (as long as marriage was entered in good faith of course). Definitely agree that  not being introduced as someone’s wife is not enough for qualification but the OP indicated many other things that are going on. Either way, if the OP is interested in going down that route a good lawyer will let her know if she qualifies. The other thing that wasn’t really mentioned is if the OPs partner is not willing to complete process with OP so that she may get her green card. OPs husband may be doing all this but still committed to see the process through. 
 

directly from USCIS :

 

 

The definitions for battery and extreme cruelty are flexible and broad. Other terms, such as abuse, acts of violence, and domestic violence, are often used to describe battery and extreme cruelty.

Battery generally includes any offensive touching or use of force on a person without the person’s consent.^[110]Some examples include, but are not limited to, punching, slapping, spitting, biting, kicking, choking, kidnapping, rape, molestation, forced prostitution, sexual abuse, and sexual exploitation. Other abusive actions may also be physical acts of violence and, under certain circumstances, include acts that in and of themselves may not initially appear violent but that are part of an overall pattern of violence.

Extreme cruelty is a non-physical act of violence or threat of violence demonstrating a pattern or intent on the part of the U.S. citizen or LPR to attain compliance from or control over the self-petitioner.^[111] USCIS determines whether a self-petitioner has demonstrated extreme cruelty occurred on a case-by-case basis, and no single factor is conclusive.

Acts of extreme cruelty may include but are not limited to:

• Isolation;

• Humiliation;

• Degradation, use of guilt, minimizing, or blaming;

• Economic control;

• Coercion;

• Threatening to commit a violent act toward the self-petitioner (or the self-petitioner’s children);

• Acts intended to create fear, compliance, or submission by the self-petitioner;

• Controlling what self-petitioners do and who they see and talk to;

• Denying access to food, family, or medical treatment;

• Threats of deportation; and

• Threats to remove a child from the self-petitioner’s custody.

Battery or extreme cruelty may also include:

• Any act or threatened act of violence, including forced detention, which results or threatens to result in physical or mental injury;

• Psychological or sexual abuse or exploitation, including rape, molestation, incest, or forced prostitution;

• Acts that may not initially appear violent but are a part of an overall pattern of violence;

• Acts aimed at some other person or thing may be considered abuse if the acts were deliberately used to perpetrate extreme cruelty against the self-petitioner or the self-petitioner’s child;

• Acts by a third party when the abusive U.S. citizen or LPR acquiesced to, condoned, or participated in the abuse; and

• Spousal abuse, if witnessed by the child of the victim, may be used as the basis for a self-petition by that child.^[112]

[Kanja 202]

3 hours ago, African Zealot said:

What country are you from? What exactly do you want? Be honest with yourself. If staying in the USA is absolutely important to yo, tolerate his gimmicks for another few months until your change of status is approved and you’re solid with immigration then confront him because he’s telling a lot of lies. Also request to meet his “other family” he’s so attached to.

 

I don’t believe he’s married to her (divorce decrees would have been needed for filings) etc but he’s telling a lot of lies about sleeping at office, not being intimate etc. He needs to come clean, commit to introducing you as his wife and fully integrating you into whatever social network he has otherwise you shouldn’t continue this relationship.

 

He’s 63, he needs to cut these games and subterfuge.

You always give such good advice.

 

I always wonder about the marriage thing. My cousin in law also came on a K1 visa and his spouse put on application she was never married, he was here for years with no issues. I believe when he went to apply for his citizenship All hell broke loose. She actually was married before, it only came out because her ex husband was actually truthful about it when he put in a petition to USCIS (the divorce was finalized AFTER cousin in law came to America). I don’t think there is one huge database where USCIS can check for marriages, it usually all comes out in the end though.
 

I do agree with you though in this case , in this case it really doesn’t seem like he’s still married but does seem like he’s not being up front about things or his involvement with his ex.

 

[Cheschirecat 176]

Some states have common law marriages. Do you think that’s what it is? 

[Pinkrlion 2,724]

17 hours ago, Kanja said:

Abuse does not have to be physical. It can be emotional, it can be mental. Luckily VAWA I also considers what the perception of the self petitioner is . If my partner wouldn’t introduce me as their wife, wouldn’t sleep at home, had another woman as their screen saver that they “didn’t know”, and that woman they didn’t know ended up being their wife, I would feel emotionally abused.

 

However , you are right in the sense that it’s up to the OP to determine if they were abused. But there are options. 

That is why emotional abuse is determined by professionals.  Not based on personal feelings.