My Husband's Secret

[confusedsoul 7]

Good day to all the VJs 😀 I am a newbie here but I have been following your site since we filed my K1 petition.  Just a brief background, I met my USC husband on a dating site October 2017 after days of chatting he asked me if we could exclusively chat with each other so we can get to know more. I granted his request and eventually we became a couple after getting to know more about him. He is 62 yrs old now and I am 45 yrs old. Both of us has never been married and no kids. We filed the petition August 2019 after his second visit and was approved April 2020. It wasn't an easy filing for us. We submitted the petition twice because the first petition was missing. Im one of those K1s that were stuck in NVC because of the covid. I was just approved by the embassy last May 2022 and came to the US June 2022. In short we our LDR for almost 5 yrs. Here is my story:

 

I came here June 2022 and got married August 2022. He is very responsible, understanding, patient, and loving person. He works as a delivery guy so sometimes I go with him so I will not be just at home. He loves to work. He leaves the apartment at 3am and comes  most of the time around 7pm or 8pm. He is the one taking good care of his mom and that's the one thing I loved him about family oriented person. His mom has her own home. He lives in an apartment when I met him. He will just bring food to his mom and give her medicines after work.  Sometimes he will bring his mom to the apartment to be with me. His mom has a dementia and very forgetful but still strong at her age of 80s. Her mom is the only family member that I know of him. His father died 20 yrs ago and his brother died 10 yrs ago. He has a sister but he said they are not in speaking terms. Even when we are in LDR, Im asking about his family and he said his father is an orphan so no relatives at all. His mom's family is in Hawaii. I only knew one of his friends  and the wife. Everything is okay in our relationship although sometimes there are misunderstanding and arguments but we can still settle. 

 

We got married in Las Vegas and he is the one who wants that so we can have also our honeymoon there and we can easily get our marriage certificates for my AOS. No friends or family member in our wedding. We cant bring his mom because its too far for her to travel. He also do selling of hotdogs in some show like parade or festivals that's why sometimes he will be out of town for 1 week. Most of the time he will go to Seattle during summer season. There were times I am on my own at the apartment. What I noticed to him he is kinda distant to me whenever he knows someone around. Like when he had a show to sell hotdog, when I came there he didn't introduce me as his wife., he just said I'm new there to help them. There are a lot of instances I observed that kind of gestures towards me. But eating out with him or going to the grocery he would sometimes hold my hand. Its just really that whenever there someone that he knew was around as if I don't exist. There was one instance that he did that again and I can't really control my emotions and confronted him about that. He said next time he would be considerate about it.  One month ago, I went with him to deliver. Im inside the van and he was outside when his phone rang. I don't know where is it I just heard it ringing. When he came, I told him about it and he got his phone and I saw a picture of a girl as his wallpaper on his phone. Immediately I asked him about it and his reason is that he doesn't know the girl when he bought the phone it was there already and he doesn't know how to remove it  I said I will remove it and he said I will just do it when he come home. When we came home I said let me have your phone so I can remove and he said he asked a help from someone to remove while we he was delivering. I confronted him about it, I told him there is no secret that you will keep forever. He still insist that he really doesn't know about that girl.

 

Two weeks after that, while I am looking for a job online, I accidentally found someone who is the same surname of my husband. I clicked it and boom I found out that my husband has a family. I really don't know what to feel that day. I was really shaking and crying. When he came I confronted him about it and he said, they are not his biological son and daughter and the girl is his ex partner using his surname but they are not married. The picture I saw in the phone is his ex partner. I breakdown that day. From then on I became curious about his past and found out a lot of things. He has one more cellphone in the apartment that he is not using and his email account is log in there.  I found out that that his partner's credit card, insurance and phone bill is still going to his email and he said that is just going to his email but he is not paying it.

 

I talked to him again about it. I said I am willing to put this all behind just tell me all the truth. But when we talked, there are a lot of inconsistencies in his explanations. He broke my trust and it is not easy for me to forgive. 

It told him to stop whatever attachment he has with that girl physically, emotionally, intimately and financially. 

 

Im still waiting for my AOS and work permit. It only 2 months since I filed. If our marriage don't work out and I'm still waiting for my AOS what will happen to me?  What if he filed a divorce or abandoned me, what will happen in my immigration process"? Can I still stay here in US?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Mike E 11,739]

Sorry this happened to you. 
 

Adjustment  from K-1 has an odd quirk that can work in your favor. You can divorce now and still adjust status through him provided he doesn’t withdraw I-864.  
 

[confusedsoul 7]

I thought at his age of 62 he already past the stage of cheating and lying.  His goal for me when I get here is the not the goal I am experiencing right now 😢😢😢

[Kanja 201]

You may qualify for VAWA due to emotional and mental abuse also isolation etc.

 

If you qualify for VAWA you can get your green card even if you get divorced . 

[confusedsoul 7]

Actually he is not sleeping with me right now for 1 month. He said he owes his company and he has no money to pay and in order to pay the company is to work to the company at least 2 hours during night. So after his delivery he will just go home to take a shower and most of the time doesn't eat here at home.  After I found out about his ex, I don't believe that he is really working at night. 

[Kanja 201]

Just now, confusedsoul said:

Actually he is not sleeping with me right now for 1 month. He said he owes his company and he has no money to pay and in order to pay the company is to work to the company at least 2 hours during night. So after his delivery he will just go home to take a shower and most of the time doesn't eat here at home.  After I found out about his ex, I don't believe that he is really working at night. 

Doesn’t seem healthy and I am sorry you are going through this. 
 

I would advise you to print and save any evidence of the other family. If you have any convos of this issue with him over text message save it and print it. In the event you decide to move on with your life seems like you would easily be eligible for VAWA but you will definitely need evidence. Start documenting dates, incidents etc 

 

 

[Ontarkie 14,213]

At 63 he is probably just used to being alone. Public affection is not something that everyone likes to show.   Not and excuse but he may need time for somethings.

 

 You need to talk to him, if they are not his kids but he helped raise them  or spent a significant amount of time with them he may be attached. There is nothing wrong with that either. As long as it is just a parental type of relationship. Again you need to talk to him. 

If he was previously married you would have had to show the divorce decree at the interview and he would need it again at AOS.As for her using his last name,  it's most likely  she just didn't change it assuming FB/social media name?  You can use what ever name you want on the internet. It can be a made up word even. 

Honestly I think you might need to talk a lot more. 

 

The only way you can stay in the US legally is if he agrees to not pull the AOS, and that is very unlikely to happen. 

[Kanja 201]

Just now, Ontarkie said:

At 63 he is probably just used to being alone. Public affection is not something that everyone likes to show.   Not and excuse but he may need time for somethings.

 

 You need to talk to him, if they are not his kids but he helped raise them  or spent a significant amount of time with them he may be attached. There is nothing wrong with that either. As long as it is just a parental type of relationship. Again you need to talk to him. 

If he was previously married you would have had to show the divorce decree at the interview and he would need it again at AOS.As for her using his last name,  it's most likely  she just didn't change it assuming FB/social media name?  You can use what ever name you want on the internet. It can be a made up word even. 

Honestly I think you might need to talk a lot more. 

 

The only way you can stay in the US legally is if he agrees to not pull the AOS, and that is very unlikely to happen. 

That’s not the only way she can stay in the US legally, regardless of her husbands reasonings, if the OP perceives this as emotional or mental abuse she may qualify for VAWA. Keeping information away from a partner is definitely a form of abuse and manipulation and it seems like the OP has tried to speak to husband more than once about this. 

[Ontarkie 14,213]

3 minutes ago, Kanja said:

That’s not the only way she can stay in the US legally, regardless of her husbands reasonings, if the OP perceives this as emotional or mental abuse she may qualify for VAWA. Keeping information away from a partner is definitely a form of abuse and manipulation and it seems like the OP has tried to speak to husband more than once about this. 

She has not posted anything that says she is being abused in any form. 

[Kanja 201]

2 minutes ago, Ontarkie said:

She has not posted anything that says she is being abused in any form. 

Abuse does not have to be physical. It can be emotional, it can be mental. Luckily VAWA I also considers what the perception of the self petitioner is . If my partner wouldn’t introduce me as their wife, wouldn’t sleep at home, had another woman as their screen saver that they “didn’t know”, and that woman they didn’t know ended up being their wife, I would feel emotionally abused.

 

However , you are right in the sense that it’s up to the OP to determine if they were abused. But there are options. 

[confusedsoul 7]

With regards to the children I have no say about it.. And the children are already in their 30s.  All the documents that he passed in the immigration his status is single and we are approved.  Being married or not still having an attachment with that ex is something that makes me so depress.

[Kanja 201]

Just now, confusedsoul said:

With regards to the children I have no say about it.. And the children are already in their 30s.  All the documents that he passed in the immigration his status is single and we are approved.  Being married or not still having an attachment with that ex is something that makes me so depress.

As other posters have said maybe you can speak to your husband more about why this upsets you, hopefully it changes because it does seem there are some things you love about your spouse. It does appear there are options for you though. 

[confusedsoul 7]

He said sorry and try to make things better.  He said he changed his email address so it means he just changed his email from those billings under his ex name but he still paying for it. 

[Kanja 201]

Just now, confusedsoul said:

He said sorry and try to make things better.  He said he changed his email address so it means he just changed his email from those billings under his ex name but he still paying for it. 

Maybe it’s part of his divorce agreement/spousal support? 

[confusedsoul 7]

He said they are married so there is no legal support that he needs to give.