Concerns and Trust

[allousa 1]

The problem that I have with the initial post is that it's like there is no responsiblity on the USC part to REALLY learn about their partner are being honest with themselves about the cultural differences.

I met my husband here in the states while he was going to school and keep in mind we are very close in age also. We dated for about a year before we even started talking marriage. We had some real heated arguments about our cultural differences and especially religious differences. My husband was upfront about how he wanted his children raised in Islam and he would not change his mind about that. My family is predominately Christian and we discussed how we would handle holidays with our children (that we haven't in had yet). I made it clear that I didn't want to lose my identity either because I was NOT from the MENA culture. It is IMPERATIVE that these issues be discussed prior to getting married in ANY CULTURE in ANY REGION.

I'm not denying that fraud happens, but to generalize that all MENA men are this way, I don't agree with that at all. I would argue that any woman/man that chooses to lose their identity for the sake of the other person, is going to eventually grow tired of that. But if you don't stand up for what is important and meaningful for you, then how is that the fault of the other person.

Oh, and the whole "hymen reconstruction" post...I have been married to my husband for 6 1/2 years now and have come to know his family very well and his friends and I have NEVER heard this mentioned before. As a matter of fact, my SIL has remarried and had 2 kids from a previous marriage and she went on to have a child from her second husband. They live in Gaza. I've been to a wedding in Morocco where it was the 2nd marriage for both. I'm curious as to whether any other MENA people have heard about this before? This is the first time I've ever heard this mentioned on VJ.

[lasso 0]

The hymic thing was just discoverd by me when my friend went over sea's she is young and knows what is going on in the street anyway it is something that is not talked about but god says seek knowledge so seek it go online and read up on it your going to be surprised like I was how often it happens.

And your SIL did she take her kids or the father got them?

[lasso 0]

thank you for your post SWI OR IS IT SWA,

Anyway all of you must keep in mind I am arab! ha ha lol lol lol

no I am really american but I was raised by an arab lived with arab 20 years still even though I am single everyone around me is arab my accountant my lawyer my gardner and all of my friends.

My kids are arab they go to mosque for fun they go to islamic school ect...

Even other arabs will tell you palestinian/jordan men are like this.

This is from the occupation in the middle east the life there is unbarrable even for those with good jobs a good job means your making a few hundred dollars a month.

They are poor!

If you like your arab men they are tons here that are single that have a green card they just dont have money to go back home or they already have wife and kids and are divorced.

Go to your local soccer park or online or to deer born michigan that dang town is like little palestine.

I know a few arabs who are looking for a wife.

don't go to the internet or marry someone to bring him here.

And ivestigating the family just is not going to work I told you in the first post his family was wonderfull I actually married him I felt so sorry for him his dad died when he was little so I figured being raised by a single mother would make him sensitive to women. I was wrong.

They are not bad men they are good but be carefull. Ask god to guide you that is what I did and by the way mine never did get his papers.

I asked god to protect me if this man was using me and he did my husband never got approved!

Ask god to protect you.

[Marry American 0]

hi all.....well i,m arabic man&will marry USC very soon, i,ll try to use my poor english as much i can to explain my opinion,i read alot here about having mena b/f or husbands& so,,,alot asking how2be sure if that man really love them or just useing them4 green card,it,s not that easy i know but it,s not that hard2?!there r many signals or questions u can see or ask like why that 20 or 30 something will marry me i,m40 or over???while in his country will be a shame4 him2do so& how can he accept that i have kids& said it,s ok while if his sister has kids fome an ex husband it will be very hard4 her to get married again.& no single man in any mena country will marry a woman with kids(arabic girls here can confirm this) something else he look very nice looking while i,m that****** so why he want me????also i note most of u guys here pay almost all d visa cost!!!why no rich mena men here??also i note that alot of them jobless or having very poor jobs.well we can say they look4better life& nothing wrong with that. sadly d only way for poor men to do so is to find an usa or E U GIRLS& MARRY THEM. this is the fact that must dont want to see??something else really cant understand it how some1 ask u to marry him or her while u never meet or met 4 few days or weeks???or just spent a holiday2gether....have something funy about friends& family members from my mena country alot of them asking me2 find a girls4 them so they can come here lol by d way i left mena 22 years ago

and while asking these same questions...we should ask ourselves...would he have married me if i met him in America or in his own country for the matter? Chances are no.

[♥JP♥ 5]

Although I am still baffled by 50% of the posts in this thread nothing baffles me more than the mentality of certain people here thinking that most MENA families have camels tied to their front porch.

From what I have seen the majority of women in VJ have met/married men that come from villages or small towns. However if you go into the major cities life is a lot more advanced. YES people do date in MENA, they go to night clubs too. There is something else people should be aware of, if your S.O is from North Africa then you really can't compare side by side with the Middle East. There are many parts of the Middle East that are very westernized and far more advanced than the places where several of you have met your husbands/fiances.

I have family that lives in Amman and they are very modern, have great jobs, make great money, etc. I also have family that lives in a village, and they have not changed a darn thing about their lives since my family left Jordan 30 years ago. Not every place in the Middle East is as uptight as people make it seem to be. Many of the things that the OP addressed are about Tribal beliefs and traditions that have been passed down from generation to generation. Although these things won't go away, they aren't the same in each city. There are some families that hold on to them much longer than others.

Although I hate agreeing with GEG, being an Arab and understanding Arab culture is not the same as being married to one for 20 years, or 10 years. No matter how long you have been exposed to the culture, you will never be in the so called "inner circle". I have found that whenever I try to tell someone something about Arab culture, they get defensive and upset with what I say.

[Marry American 0]

I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to have a better life, otherwise known as marrying for a green card. It's how they plan to do it that becomes a problem. If they have every intention to make the marriage work, what's the big deal? We all marry for reasons other than love. But if they are planning this as a short term thing so they can get their freedom and leave their wife, well then, that's true fraud. I'm not sure how many actually go into it with this mind set, but at the same time, western society has such a flippant attitude about divorce, and these guys know that, so is going into a marriage hoping it will work, but knowing there is always a way out fraud or just immaturity/irresponsibility? I think anyone going into a marriage with one foot always out the door will never find themselves successful in a marriage.

I married for love.

[♥JP♥ 5]

The hymic thing was just discoverd by me when my friend went over sea's she is young and knows what is going on in the street anyway it is something that is not talked about but god says seek knowledge so seek it go online and read up on it your going to be surprised like I was how often it happens.

And your SIL did she take her kids or the father got them?

Hymen surgery is very common in the Middle East, however its not something people are going to talk about. No one is going to step foward and say "my daughter had hymen surgery today". Hymen surgery is also a lot more common for women looking to restore their body after child birth. If a woman got it done to restore her virginity, it wouldnt be something that anyone knew about.

[lasso 0]

my point exactly "you will never be in the inner circle"

so remember this statement they think differently.

[lasso 0]

the most modern part of jordan is a smudge of the USA.

If Jordan was so modern then why do all the arabs leave there beautiful country that is so open minded and modern and come to the USA!

That tickes me off when arabs say how open minded and modern it is because it is not!

There is disco's but bad girls whores go to disco's just like there was ####### houses here in america a 100 years ago but our grandmothers would never go in one!

I would bet that you would never step foot in a disco with or without your husband.

stop trying to misslead these women.

Hey all of you go to UTUBE AND TYPE IN ARAB GIRLS AND DANCE CLUBS

YOU will see live video of thier disco's and you will see it is men acting like pigs and women parading around like sexual objects.

Then you can judge for yourself.

It is not modern country it is 3rd world maybe modern if your arab but not american standards.

DUBIE is modern not jordan/palestine.

[Jenn! 918]

I could use a DUBIE right now.

[Marry American 0]

the most modern part of jordan is a smudge of the USA.

If Jordan was so modern then why do all the arabs leave there beautiful country that is so open minded and modern and come to the USA!

That tickes me off when arabs say how open minded and modern it is because it is not!

There is disco's but bad girls whores go to disco's just like there was ####### houses here in america a 100 years ago but our grandmothers would never go in one!

I would bet that you would never step foot in a disco with or without your husband.

stop trying to misslead these women.

Hey all of you go to UTUBE AND TYPE IN ARAB GIRLS AND DANCE CLUBS

YOU will see live video of thier disco's and you will see it is men acting like pigs and women parading around like sexual objects.

Then you can judge for yourself.

It is not modern country it is 3rd world maybe modern if your arab but not american standards.

DUBIE is modern not jordan/palestine.

I've seen it. That happens here in America too.

[lasso 0]

the most modern part of jordan is a smudge of the USA.

If Jordan was so modern then why do all the arabs leave there beautiful country that is so open minded and modern and come to the USA!

That tickes me off when arabs say how open minded and modern it is because it is not!

There is disco's but bad girls whores go to disco's just like there was ####### houses here in america a 100 years ago but our grandmothers would never go in one!

I would bet that you would never step foot in a disco with or without your husband.

stop trying to misslead these women.

Hey all of you go to UTUBE AND TYPE IN ARAB GIRLS AND DANCE CLUBS

YOU will see live video of thier disco's and you will see it is men acting like pigs and women parading around like sexual objects.

Then you can judge for yourself.

It is not modern country it is 3rd world maybe modern if your arab but not american standards.

DUBIE is modern not jordan/palestine.

[sereia 0]

I could use a DUBIE right now.

LOL!

[ya falaha! 0]

I dunno if Jordan's nightclubs are like Egypt's. Went to one for New Year's Eve in Alexandria. There were maybe 6 women in there (including myself and my husband's friend's wife). Two of them were dancing. We did not. We just watched. It was so weird to see a nightclub with almost all men dancing. Once of the dancing girls was wearing a tight top and jeans inside but when she went outside she was dressed in a higab and abaya.

[sereia 0]

I dunno if Jordan's nightclubs are like Egypt's. Went to one for New Year's Eve in Alexandria. There were maybe 6 women in there (including myself and my husband's friend's wife). Two of them were dancing. We did not. We just watched. It was so weird to see a nightclub with almost all men dancing. Once of the dancing girls was wearing a tight top and jeans inside but when she went outside she was dressed in a higab and abaya.

morocco is very similar. i went to a few in various areas and the few women that were in there were prostitutes according the men i spoke to. the rest were men and they were dancing together. lol

i'm sure places like lebanon are different though. and maybe there are more modern dance clubs i just didn't happen to see in morocco or egypt?

Edited July 20, 2007 by sereia