Concerns and Trust

[Becky&Sam 0]

This whole week and reading all the sad happenings here on MENA has made me really think about my relationship and where it is at with not seeing my husband for all these months and fighting the demons that are my own insecurities and questions that come up for me every day. Soooo, I have the pros and cons list of our relationship and what could possibly be a flag that maybe all is not what it seems to me, but when I look at the list I see that my husband truly loves me and I know I love him so very much. Will we have hard times yes, but will we make it through them I believe that we will with all my heart. Having said that I am putting up here the pros and cons list I have made and see if this compares to anyone else on this board that has done the same thing.

Pros and Cons

We have same religious beliefs We know each other about six months before marrying

As Christian he had to get a certificate from head priest

where he grew up that he has never married and is free to

marry. We have an age difference of about 10 years.

He was working in Europe when we met making a

good salary. We have only spent about 3-4 weeks total living together.

When first talking about marrying he planned for me I cannot have any more children due to previous illness.

to come live with him.

I have met all of his family and they accept our marriage Waiting now to be together for more than 1 year.

and have treated me as family when I was with them.

We have had the discussion about sending money to help his

side of family, but only after we have become stable with our

financial situation here first.

He treats me with only respect always and seems very proud to have

me as his wife with meeting his friends, coworkers and family.

We have had discussions about his culture and my culture and

that he will be the leader of our family, but we will always communicate

and discuss situations before making final decisions concerning our family,

finances, etc.

He wants to raise my children as his own and take care of them,

as they have no relationship with their birth father who has not seen

them or talked to them in three years.

He is working very hard to raise money for when he comes here to help

until pay living expense until he can work here legally.

He has a degree in Business management and is fluent in speaking and

writing English.

He takes my opinion when difficult situations have come up dealing with

his family or decisions that affect us, even though we are so far apart

right now.

I could put more pros up here (can't think of any more cons), but I feel that there is very strong side and believe completely that he is not "using" our relationship for a GC. So I move forward with our quest for the ever elusive VISA, hoping that THIS WEEK will be the week that he gets the call for his passport to put the visa in it and we will be together for the rest of our lives, which I believe this really with all my heart. The biggest issue I had with our marrying is that I cannot have any more children. He told me that he had really almost given up the idea that he would ever find someone and marry to have children and that he would take my children to raise as his own and with our marriage they would become his to care for and love.

I do not put this up here for anyone to attack, but just a comparison for others that have done the same with the pros and cons list and see what others feelings are about this. I have tried to be realistic about our differences and the difficulties that it will bring to our relationship, but even though we are from different parts of the world, that at heart we are alike in more ways that we are not.

sorry this is so messy. I tried to put it in list form, but it didn't work. Maybe you can make some sense of it.

[AInfante-Saraireh 0]

Oh here we go again! It seems everytime someone posts their sorrows or problems here, someone gets testy. First of all, step back and think, put on that other persons mocassins for a minute and feel what you would feel if this were happening to you. Of course, there are always two sides to a story and we appreciate both coming forward and stating their feelings. But the marriage is falling a part and when this happens, sometimes other negativity gets in the way and makes the matter worse. I think all Jackie needs right now is support or prayers. Mohammed needs support and prayers. Both are in conflict right now. We are women and tend to support only women. Let's support the fact they are two people who were in love, one from the MENA area like our own husbands, and that he is married to an American woman like we are. I learned from an American Indian one time while visiting the Wisconsin Dells. Don't judge a person until you have worn and walked in their mocassins. So hopefully, some of us can stop feeling the "shame on you" and just listen to them vent.

My prayer: IN ALLAH, MAY JACKIE AND MOHAMMED FIND THEIR WAY, FIND THEIR ROAD THAT WILL BRING PEACE AND HAPPINESS TO THE BOTH OF THEM. KEEP THEM FROM EVIL AND SHINE HIS HEAVENLY LIGHT UPON THEM, SO THAT THEY MAY OPEN THEIR EYES AND SEE THE LIGHT OF ALLAH (GOD) THROUGH THEM. WHEREVER THERE IS HATE, LET IT BE REMOVED BY THE ALMIGHTY ALLAH AND BE REPLACED WITH LOVE AND RESPECT.

Jackie and Mohammed, I hope you make the right decisions together and please, give respect to one another.

God Bless,

Andrea

[Becky&Sam 0]

Oh here we go again! It seems everytime someone posts their sorrows or problems here, someone gets testy. First of all, step back and think, put on that other persons mocassins for a minute and feel what you would feel if this were happening to you. Of course, there are always two sides to a story and we appreciate both coming forward and stating their feelings. But the marriage is falling a part and when this happens, sometimes other negativity gets in the way and makes the matter worse. I think all Jackie needs right now is support or prayers. Mohammed needs support and prayers. Both are in conflict right now. We are women and tend to support only women. Let's support the fact they are two people who were in love, one from the MENA area like our own husbands, and that he is married to an American woman like we are. I learned from an American Indian one time while visiting the Wisconsin Dells. Don't judge a person until you have worn and walked in their mocassins. So hopefully, some of us can stop feeling the "shame on you" and just listen to them vent.

My prayer: IN ALLAH, MAY JACKIE AND MOHAMMED FIND THEIR WAY, FIND THEIR ROAD THAT WILL BRING PEACE AND HAPPINESS TO THE BOTH OF THEM. KEEP THEM FROM EVIL AND SHINE HIS HEAVENLY LIGHT UPON THEM, SO THAT THEY MAY OPEN THEIR EYES AND SEE THE LIGHT OF ALLAH (GOD) THROUGH THEM. WHEREVER THERE IS HATE, LET IT BE REMOVED BY THE ALMIGHTY ALLAH AND BE REPLACED WITH LOVE AND RESPECT.

Jackie and Mohammed, I hope you make the right decisions together and please, give respect to one another.

God Bless,

Andrea

Sorry if my post offended you Andrea. I thought this thread was for the issues of concerns and trust. That is what it is titled. I wasn't posting any of this in direction towards Jackie's situation, but my own.

[AInfante-Saraireh 0]

Not intended for you Becky.

[lasso 0]

sorry if any of you are fighting over this I keep saying over and over it was a topic of discussion that was put on a different thread and moved here I did not title it and then the heat was on and everyone started to comment.

I keep saying over and over good and bad qualities it is a personal opinion and experience of mine if you do not agree with it do not fight with your friends here everyone is entitled to thier own opinion I wish none of you fight and be friends you need each other during this sensitive time I wish I would have never posted it but it was meant on another thread and was moved without my permission to its own thread.

I did not want this threat to eve happen then the comments started to come in so yes I responded these are my experiences I am not bashing arabs my son is an arab and I have friens who are arab I dont feel I was bashing thier culture I mean in my opinion that is there culture I did not say it was bad or good I just talked about the culture.

I hope you all are in blissfull love and your husbands come home and you have no more doubt in your head.

May god keep you save and enjoy your very prosperouse life with your loving husband and family

[lasso 0]

I wish all of you would be nice with jackie no matter what she said I doubt it if any of you would have anything nice to say if your husband just walked out on you.

At this time if you dont have anything nice to say to her then dont say it at all.

I think any women during a break up or child birth should be alloud to say what ever the heck she wants.

and those of you who are being unsensetive remember one thing what goes around comes around and today you might think not me but tomorrow you might have a difference of opinion.

She has clearly stated she never saw it coming and she came here so many times for support that alone proves how much she loves her husband.

I FEEL BAD FOR HER AND ANYONE WITH ANY COMPASSION WOULD FEEL THE SAME.

I am leaving this forum sorry I caused such a stir I am so glad I am not going through this stress anymore.

I want to go back to may happy life

Good luck to you

[mybackpages 0]

Please respect my privacy though i post my business on a public forum board where the simplest google search finds my post.

Please stop the name calling though gossipingand backbitting behind closed doors is perfectly acceptable.

Honor thy holy VJ member though they may not be what they seem.

I am going to tell you again for the 100th time that my relationship is the very best here though it makes more sense that if you have to say it over and over you must be trying to convince someone.

Let's suspend members for posting something because they have a reputation though that reputation is mired in rumors and untruths.

Circle the wagons girls someone is about to undo my reality.

Never mind ugly and ignornant generalizations about a whole region of the world, after all she had her feelings hurt (and we all know the stereotypes are really true anyway)

Jut another crazy day in VJ

[AngelK96 0]

I wish all of you would be nice with jackie no matter what she said I doubt it if any of you would have anything nice to say if your husband just walked out on you.

At this time if you dont have anything nice to say to her then dont say it at all.

I think any women during a break up or child birth should be alloud to say what ever the heck she wants.

and those of you who are being unsensetive remember one thing what goes around comes around and today you might think not me but tomorrow you might have a difference of opinion.

She has clearly stated she never saw it coming and she came here so many times for support that alone proves how much she loves her husband.

I FEEL BAD FOR HER AND ANYONE WITH ANY COMPASSION WOULD FEEL THE SAME.

I am leaving this forum sorry I caused such a stir I am so glad I am not going through this stress anymore.

I want to go back to may happy life

Good luck to you

Opps I forgot my

Edited July 22, 2007 by angelk96

[Dr. A ♥ O 203]

Lisa I liked your post so much. Thank you for taking the time to share:

With great risk comes great reward.

But I do see a lot of nervous justification, though...oh, not my husband because I did this that or the other. No one needs to justify her own relationship to anyone. I dunno if that's a subconscious thing or not, but (I think) if you're married and you're confident in your marriage, you don't owe anyone any explanations. If that's a coping mechanism, that's fine, I guess....but all those 'tests' aren't going to guarantee anything...so they essentially are meaningless. I don't mean to imply to throw caution to the wind; but if your security is based on checking his cellphone or talking to his neighbors, I think it's a bit of a house of cards.

All we each have to judge things on is our own perspective, and of course that's colored by our feelings and emotions as well. I see a lot of contagious paranoia here...so while posters x,y,and z are having problems....that doesn't mean a,b, and c will too. If you've never doubted your husband until this thread...don't do your marriage a disservice by letting this thread ruin a bond of trust that you have made.

I'm going to make that my mantra. It's true every relationship is unique to the individuals within it. Only the couple truely knows what is going on between them.

I have really enjoyed reading all these threads and discovering the MENA men and woman here. It is nice to know I am not alone in this process and I support if I needed it here.

Olivia

[♥JP♥ 5]

Wow...I mean WOW. I don't even know where to begin. First off, I still can't understand why people take someone elses bad experiance in life and the message they share from that and think that it applies in their life. If you feel like everything in your marriage is A-OK, then why get upset?

It's definitly an honorable thing for a man to send money back home to help his family WITHIN reason. I would say that if a good chunk of his monthly salary is making a trip back home, then that is a red flag. That money can be saved for your future, for the future of your children or to make a better life for yourselves so that you can comfortably send money back home on a daily basis. But if you are struggling to pay bills, then that is a something that should not happen.

Peezey and MK are right, if you are secure in your relationship then someone elses problems should not give you doubts. End of story.

[peezey 0]

I think it's good to post good and bad experiences for others to see. What concerns me is the OP's comments seem rather odd...don't you think. I know others have expressed the same. I find it odd that the OP's fiance hit every single mark of the stereotypical male that most Arab bashers always bring up. Coupled with the fact that the OP is taking a poll on another thread about how many MENA girls are fat and signficantly older than their SO. Just doesn't add up, you know?

The other thing that makes me very sad is that just reading these posts, I felt the doubt creep into my mind. And I've NEVER doubted my husband's love for me before (and keep in mind we have lived together in the states). Funny thing is though, right after I logged off VJ, I happened to check my email before I went to bed and I had an email from my husband telling me how much he missed me and our son...so then I felt bad that I doubted him at all.

It would be terribly sad if the OP was not truthful about their comments and then planted all these seeds of doubt in relationships that aren't fradulent.

I don't think it matters how strong your relationship is, when you read stuff like this, if your SO does one thing that is remotely close to what the OP said...that seed of doubt starts to grow in your mind. Know what I mean?

Don't get me wrong...I don't think it should be all rainbows and unicorns here, but some of this is awfully suspicious.

I don't get this "planting seeds of doubt" idea. I mean, how much power does a person have over another? If the story is made up, does it really matter? If it's someone's true story then that's all it is. Anyone who takes this story and makes rash decisions based on it is either really out of their minds or was already looking for a reason to get out and now this is serving as their excuse.

Peezy - have you been w/o your SO for 3 1/2 years? The sheer strain on a long distance relationship...even one that is strong, can be emotionally devestating. Several people have commented on here about how they approached their SO about the issues brought up on this board and ended up getting in arguments.

And the whole issues of how much power someone has over another...alot of the people here on VJ, IMO, come here for support and understanding as a way to deal with an emotionally stressful situation. Many don't have the support of their families and use VJ as a support system. It is becoming apparent that the OP is quite the storyteller. I would ask then, what is the point of continuing to make these generalized statements about how fraudlent all MENA men are?

Again, it's good to hear the good and the bad. But it's not right to play with people's feelings and emotions.

What does any of this post mean? Who is playing with feelings? You have your own feelings and you control them. No one else plays with them. Everyone's relationship is their own and only they know what it means to them and it doesn't matter if Jackie's marriage stays or goes and it doesn't matter if tikbj is real or not real. Talking about potential red flags is something that's always been done in this forum, sometimes in a rational way, sometimes fighting tooth and nail about anything that is said. And whether or not you have family support doesn't mean VJ is a decent source of support. As evidenced by tikbj, you have NO IDEA who is posting here, if it's true, not true, embellished (and I'm sure it's some of all that).

So again, I say, how in the world can a stranger plant seeds of doubt in another stranger's mind? How can a stranger post some b.s. here and then cause women to go fight with their husbands? It's not the OP at fault here (except for the ridiculous generalizations, but she's clearly an ignorant fool) if any of this goes on. Either people are totally out of their minds or there are problems that already exist and have just been waiting to be discussed/hashed out/fought over.

[pugsly 0]

Ever since this post i have also been thinking over and over again about my relationship with my fiance. We cant say that every man will do the same thing as this man did. At work i have heard all the problems and stories my girlfriends have with thier american men and I didn't think , oh god i better not marry any american men. This is getting rediculous. Not all these men want green cards. America is not disney land for petes sake. I know some men have been very good actors and fooled many woman but how long can most men keep up this act. I am just gonna trust my feelings and do what I have to do to get my man here. Its a gamble like others have said.

[Sofiyya 1,687]

Wow...I mean WOW. I don't even know where to begin. First off, I still can't understand why people take someone elses bad experiance in life and the message they share from that and think that it applies in their life. If you feel like everything in your marriage is A-OK, then why get upset?

It's definitly an honorable thing for a man to send money back home to help his family WITHIN reason. I would say that if a good chunk of his monthly salary is making a trip back home, then that is a red flag. That money can be saved for your future, for the future of your children or to make a better life for yourselves so that you can comfortably send money back home on a daily basis. But if you are struggling to pay bills, then that is a something that should not happen.

Peezey and MK are right, if you are secure in your relationship then someone elses problems should not give you doubts. End of story.

WOW WOW is my response too. I don't know where to begin either, and won't even try since I seem to have missed a lot of significant stuff.

[PalestineMyHeart 1,897]

Now Jordan has gotten very expensive I hear. sending a 100.00 only give them 70 jds. That's #######!

Andrea

Andrea -- I'm really sorry for the problems you're having with your husband. Honestly and trust are two of the most important aspects of a marriage. I hope you can talk it out calmly and reasonably, and work out a solution that you both can live with.

I just wanted to clarify what I'm saying about "Even $50 or $100 dollars can go a long way..."

For instance, although things like buying a house are relatively expensive in Jordan, the average salary there is less than $400 a month. There are some very rich people in Jordan, but overall it's still a developing country in many ways, and a lot of people there are struggling to make ends meet. So what could be essentially pocket change to an American really can help ease the burdens back home.

We send several hundred a month to my husband's elderly parents, but things are especially bad in Palestine -- his father's monthly pension from the PA has not been paid in more than one year. $300 won't move them into the Ritz, but it will pay the gas bill, keep the lights and phone running, and make sure they have groceries and medicine. We don't send anything to the brothers or sisters (unless for a special occasion like a birth or wedding.)

Yes, some families have quite unreasonable expectations. They all "know someone" who came to the U.S. and immediately started sending back huge wads of cash -- thousands of dollars a month. Some may start imagining that they'll soon be buying new homes, new cars, etc. In this case, it's time for a Tough Reality Check.

But most couples can make room in their budget for an *agreed* amount to send back home regularly, without sacrificing too much.

-MK

[allousa 1]

I think it's good to post good and bad experiences for others to see. What concerns me is the OP's comments seem rather odd...don't you think. I know others have expressed the same. I find it odd that the OP's fiance hit every single mark of the stereotypical male that most Arab bashers always bring up. Coupled with the fact that the OP is taking a poll on another thread about how many MENA girls are fat and signficantly older than their SO. Just doesn't add up, you know?

The other thing that makes me very sad is that just reading these posts, I felt the doubt creep into my mind. And I've NEVER doubted my husband's love for me before (and keep in mind we have lived together in the states). Funny thing is though, right after I logged off VJ, I happened to check my email before I went to bed and I had an email from my husband telling me how much he missed me and our son...so then I felt bad that I doubted him at all.

It would be terribly sad if the OP was not truthful about their comments and then planted all these seeds of doubt in relationships that aren't fradulent.

I don't think it matters how strong your relationship is, when you read stuff like this, if your SO does one thing that is remotely close to what the OP said...that seed of doubt starts to grow in your mind. Know what I mean?

Don't get me wrong...I don't think it should be all rainbows and unicorns here, but some of this is awfully suspicious.

I don't get this "planting seeds of doubt" idea. I mean, how much power does a person have over another? If the story is made up, does it really matter? If it's someone's true story then that's all it is. Anyone who takes this story and makes rash decisions based on it is either really out of their minds or was already looking for a reason to get out and now this is serving as their excuse.

Peezy - have you been w/o your SO for 3 1/2 years? The sheer strain on a long distance relationship...even one that is strong, can be emotionally devestating. Several people have commented on here about how they approached their SO about the issues brought up on this board and ended up getting in arguments.

And the whole issues of how much power someone has over another...alot of the people here on VJ, IMO, come here for support and understanding as a way to deal with an emotionally stressful situation. Many don't have the support of their families and use VJ as a support system. It is becoming apparent that the OP is quite the storyteller. I would ask then, what is the point of continuing to make these generalized statements about how fraudlent all MENA men are?

Again, it's good to hear the good and the bad. But it's not right to play with people's feelings and emotions.

What does any of this post mean? Who is playing with feelings? You have your own feelings and you control them. No one else plays with them. Everyone's relationship is their own and only they know what it means to them and it doesn't matter if Jackie's marriage stays or goes and it doesn't matter if tikbj is real or not real. Talking about potential red flags is something that's always been done in this forum, sometimes in a rational way, sometimes fighting tooth and nail about anything that is said. And whether or not you have family support doesn't mean VJ is a decent source of support. As evidenced by tikbj, you have NO IDEA who is posting here, if it's true, not true, embellished (and I'm sure it's some of all that).

So again, I say, how in the world can a stranger plant seeds of doubt in another stranger's mind? How can a stranger post some b.s. here and then cause women to go fight with their husbands? It's not the OP at fault here (except for the ridiculous generalizations, but she's clearly an ignorant fool) if any of this goes on. Either people are totally out of their minds or there are problems that already exist and have just been waiting to be discussed/hashed out/fought over.

I must commend you Peezy, your compassion is outstanding!!!

I can feel the warm fuzzies just springing off of your post.

Edited July 23, 2007 by allousa