Concerns and Trust

[AngelK96 0]

I don't mind my husband sends money home to his Mom, but I don't think he needs to send money home to his sisters and brothers who are married and both have jobs. Life's a ###### sometimes but it doesn't mean we can or should support the world with our little paycheck. It didn't bother me about putting the cross away. My husband wants me Muslim. That's the bottom line. Now Jesus is strong in the Quran, too bad a lot is missed there. He's one of the greatest Prophets according to the Quran and will return in the end. So if that is the case, He should be highly respected as the Prophet Mohammed is. The only thing that really bothers me in my marriage is not being sure he married me for the green card and lieing. I hate liars! But he always thinks I'm going to be mad if he tells me the truth coz he knows I won't agree on all. But also remember, the ME man is used to doing things on their own, even some things their wives don't even know. Also, my husband was single before, now he is married, everything takes an adjustment. I've come to the conclusion, that maybe I should interview for the green card with him on September 5th and then, if he married me for the green card, he can leave. I have told him this, no secrets here. I told him don't wait around 3 years for your citizenship, I hate to be used. Wait 5 years and you can go for it on your own. So those are my decisions for now. I know what's in my heart. I express it freely to others. But you can't keep someone with you who doesn't want to be with you. I'm not saying that my husband feels this way. What I am saying, we all have to take the risks. WE got this far, so let's complete it. Also, we really don't know the entire truth. I hear that if your husband doesn't want you to live with him in his country, then he married for a green card. That's not true. Some of these men have small jobs that don't pay much and can hardly support themselves. They are also afraid that we will not adapt to their culture and lifestyle and they know ours very well and there is truth to this. I know this culture way before I married my husband, and I know how important it is to them to send money home to help the family. Now Jordan has gotten very expensive I hear. sending a 100.00 only give them 70 jds. That's #######! So if my husband wants to send money home, do it. He does pay half the bills here for now. Do I count on him saving enough money to buy a house? No, not if he is constantly sending money home. Obviously, he likes to save money on the side in his own secret pocket to send home. So when it comes time for us to grow beyond where we are now, I really can't say if he will be willing to sacrifice sending money home to buy a home here.

I met a Bosnian Muslim at the gas station a few months ago. He said, I am Muslim and it's my responsibility to help take care of my mother/family. So he and his brother put 500.00 a month together and send 1000 home to her every month.

Well, getting closer to the AOS interview. I guess the rest is up to the couselor. I will trust in God enough, that He will shine or rain on this interview. It's in his hands!

Andrea

Glad you shared your story Andrea. Not always easy to admit your going through some tough times.

[AInfante-Saraireh 0]

I want to add that it's not this woman/man or whatever she is that is posting this sad story of her mishaps with the man she loved from Jordan. It's Jacque's relationship that shook me up. Of all the people, I really though her's was true to be. And because Jacque and I are the same age, come from the same town, born in the same hospital, had husbands from the same country and around the same age difference, it's a bit scarey. Her marriage ending and her conclusion of possibly it being from the green card is what scares the hell out of me. Some of you know her personally here, others dont. Which means some of you possibly met her husband and thought this was true to be love. So this is where my disappointment comes from. And then it ends when citizenship can be obtained from him? Maybe it's a coincidence? Maybe it's over something else? But his reaction and his immediate exit tells a different story. So Im not concerned about this woman and her loss love from Jordan. I feel for her, really I do. If she is telling the truth, she took a lot of pain! The reason all is posted here, because it was moved to allow Jacque's post for people who wish to give their sorrow for a great loss, both in love, time and effort.

Andrea

[mybackpages 0]

I am a bit confused by these posts about money and what everything thinks it says about their SO. IMO a MENA man who doesn;t support his family back home is a deadbeat, so not wanting to help the parents is a HUGE red flag. Why would a husband feel like he has to send money behind his wife's back unless she just doesn't understand the importance of this for him?

Pugsly- I think your fiance wanting to send money for his parents to go to Mecca is so honorable and it doesn;t even sound as if he was demanding it but asking if you would agree its a good idea.

By culture and by religous law, a Muslim man must support his familyI can't imagine as a wife I would not do whatever it takes to support his family too. Just as he would also support my family if it became necessary.

A woman who isn't rady to place parents and family first above the needs of the couple really should reconsider marrying into this culture.

WHAT???

Let me clarify just a bit. I am not saying the husband and wife need to sacrifie their lives to provide for the needs of the family. A husband is obligated to provide for his wife and she may choose to financially assist the family. BUT marriage in MENA is the marriage of two families, not just two people. Just because a MENA man lives int he US married to an american woman whom he nows provides for and is committed to, doesn mean he leaves his obligation to his parents behind.

Ask your husband how right or wrong I am.

Yes he feels this way. We send money. He also feels that I come first.

Right On

I was going to go to Macdonalds this morning but now after reading tikbj plea for money..sheesh I am unsure of what to do with my 5 dollars. Damn she put her children pictures on the site..tsk tsk tsk

I don't get the impression that MBP was at all suggesting that a Muslim man should leave his wife and children wanting while he funnels the bulk of his income to his parents.

But in ME/NA culture, a son is absolutely expected to help support his parents if they are in need, and absolutely according to his ability to do that. It's part of his honor. Of course he must not leave his wife and children in need -- they are his primary responsibility and everyone there should understand that (unless they are entirely unreasonable.) Budgets should be agreed on between a husband and his wife, no question about it. But an American wife must understand that a ME/NA husband *will* want to help his family back home -- especially his mother and father.

Remember: a few American dollars go a very long way in most of ME/NA. Even as little as fifty or a hundred dollars a month can be a major help to aging, ill or disabled parents. I think there has been a huge misunderstanding of the point here.

-MK

Thanks god there are people like MK and other good friends who can bail me out when i write thoughts without being clear.

Let me try again on the money issue.

A MENA husband first has an obligation to support his wife and children. He can not take from them and put his parents first. I was raised (in an American family) to value my whole family. When my husband married me he married my family also. As husband and wife we have obligations beyond taking care of our own lives. If a parent or family member is in need of help (money, housing, medical care etc), we both hold the value that we help with what we can.

I posted the first time thinking about couples who are disconnected in this value. About women resentful of helping family memebers because they would rather spend the money on a nice luxury vacation or buying nicer luxuries for their home or personal use rather than sending money back home.

Married to a MENA man and putting family first does not mean you have to live a substandard lifestyle, but if I had a family member who could benefit finacially from us sending some money home, then I would rather give up some personal luxuries and look after my extended family. Unless the family is facing their own economic hardship, it's not difficult to do. Eat out a little less, do a little less impulsive shopping..I am not saying stop eating out, stop buying nice things..I am saying make choices that show you are looking beyond your nuclear family needs.

There is no excuse for a man to send money behind his wife's back. A wife in this situation is justified in her anger. The husband's actions are harmful to his wife no matter how "noble" he thinks his actions are. My only qestion is why does a husbnad feel he has to do this? Is he selfish and taking advantage of his wife or do they have some disconnect in what they value?

[AInfante-Saraireh 0]

My only qestion is why does a husbnad feel he has to do this? Is he selfish and taking advantage of his wife or do they have some disconnect in what they value?

Good questions, but I have no answer for you. The only answers I have gotten is that I would be mad, which is a big lie. Maybe this is how he sees it. Maybe there is something more that has not been seen or told. But when someone lies to me, I feel they are a snake and hiding something.

[mybackpages 0]

My only qestion is why does a husbnad feel he has to do this? Is he selfish and taking advantage of his wife or do they have some disconnect in what they value?

Good questions, but I have no answer for you. The only answers I have gotten is that I would be mad, which is a big lie. Maybe this is how he sees it. Maybe there is something more that has not been seen or told. But when someone lies to me, I feel they are a snake and hiding something.

Andrea, though your original post may have been a jumping off point for my rant about money, I never met to pose the question to you directly. I think from your post you are going through a difficult time and this send money home is much more complex than any phlosophical debate I am having here with myself on VJ.

ETA: In any general situation like this, the husband may view it one way and hide his action because he thinks its the best way to handle the conflict he percieves. The sad thing is it really doesn't matter if he thinks lying is just an easier way to handle the conflict. He is still just wrong wrong wrong to lie. And so harmful to the marriage in the long run. I do hope that you find resolution to this. I'm sure lots of couples have faced this kind of issue and gotten through it.

Edited July 22, 2007 by mybackpages

[lasso 0]

Like I said before I started this post to help someone else my first husband as a matter of fact had his papers I met him 3 months after he divorced his first american wife as soon as he was nutralized he left and told me he never loved her and used her. At the time I was young and felt proud that he choose me.

This thread was not meant to hurt anyone show off or make statements that I was proud of and as far as the financial backing yes that is right if you read that post anyone here want to financially back me I have great idea's more power to you.

For all of you who have done nothing but bash me I want you to save this thread and come back in a few years.

And everyone else with an open mind I am almost 100% you made the right choice in what your doing because you seem to be very smart in desicions you make.

GOD TELL US SEEK KNOWLEDGE!

god bless everyone

[one...two...tree 2,762]

after reading the same general message from the same user over and over again, i feel the below is appropriate:

:lol:

[Fandango 1,439]

First of all, I wanted to express my sympathy for those of you going through problems in your marriages right now.

I've read most of this thread, and a few things stick out to me. So here's my .02:

I have to marvel at the capacity of your love for your husbands. My D is British, and that alone is enough of a cultural difference for me! hahaha! I don't think I'd have the strength or the tenacity to undertake something of such mammoth proportions. I see where many of you have the slight doubts that something may be wrong, there's the fear you may be hurt, yet you proceed anyway because of love. And I think that's a really remarkable thing. Hey, it might work, it might not...but one thing that no one can take away from any of you is that you put your all into this. So either way, you ladies should have no regrets for loving 'with all of your might' against the odds and despite the risks.

With great risk comes great reward. I hope each and every one of you find success in your marriages.

But I do see a lot of nervous justification, though...oh, not my husband because I did this that or the other. No one needs to justify her own relationship to anyone. I dunno if that's a subconscious thing or not, but (I think) if you're married and you're confident in your marriage, you don't owe anyone any explanations. If that's a coping mechanism, that's fine, I guess....but all those 'tests' aren't going to guarantee anything...so they essentially are meaningless. I don't mean to imply to throw caution to the wind; but if your security is based on checking his cellphone or talking to his neighbors, I think it's a bit of a house of cards.

But as an aside: if you ARE worried about the legitimacy of your husband's feelings...you must try to think like someone who's committing fraud. So many women have been duped and never saw it coming...so those who do come here by using a woman are good actors! A simple 'hey I'll move there' bluff isn't necessarily the be-all end all. You don't think that type of men would see that coming? If the husband says 'yes, come'...imo it could all be a huge bluff, knowing it would never come to pass.

Anyways, as far as the stereotyping goes...well, they became stereotypes for a reason. I could rattle off the stereotypical Italian-American-Catholic New Yorker - which is my own backgrounds - and most would fit the category. But not all. And each person's perspective should be taken witha grain of salt...if one has been burned, it is only natural that his/her perspective will be one fraught with negatives, because perspective is reality. All we each have to judge things on is our own perspective, and of course that's colored by our feelings and emotions as well. I see a lot of contagious paranoia here...so while posters x,y,and z are having problems....that doesn't mean a,b, and c will too. If you've never doubted your husband until this thread...don't do your marriage a disservice by letting this thread ruin a bond of trust that you have made.

Good luck!

Edited July 22, 2007 by LisaD

[Quinn 2]

Like I said before I started this post to help someone else my first husband as a matter of fact had his papers I met him 3 months after he divorced his first american wife as soon as he was nutralized he left and told me he never loved her and used her. At the time I was young and felt proud that he choose me.

This thread was not meant to hurt anyone show off or make statements that I was proud of and as far as the financial backing yes that is right if you read that post anyone here want to financially back me I have great idea's more power to you.

For all of you who have done nothing but bash me I want you to save this thread and come back in a few years.

And everyone else with an open mind I am almost 100% you made the right choice in what your doing because you seem to be very smart in desicions you make.

GOD TELL US SEEK KNOWLEDGE!

god bless everyone

Wait...are you the OP? Is this a third name now? Another day, another screenname? Lady, it's not the ME/NA men you need to worry about...it's multiple personality disorder.

EDIT: Straaaange...maybe it's something with my computer...but when i quoted the user above it was from a screenname Lasso....but the quote in my post says it's from tikbj....

Edited July 22, 2007 by Quinn

[JODO 2]

Like I said before I started this post to help someone else my first husband as a matter of fact had his papers I met him 3 months after he divorced his first american wife as soon as he was nutralized he left and told me he never loved her and used her. At the time I was young and felt proud that he choose me.

This thread was not meant to hurt anyone show off or make statements that I was proud of and as far as the financial backing yes that is right if you read that post anyone here want to financially back me I have great idea's more power to you.

For all of you who have done nothing but bash me I want you to save this thread and come back in a few years.

And everyone else with an open mind I am almost 100% you made the right choice in what your doing because you seem to be very smart in desicions you make.

GOD TELL US SEEK KNOWLEDGE!

god bless everyone

Wait...are you the OP? Is this a third name now? Another day, another screenname? Lady, it's not the ME/NA men you need to worry about...it's multiple personality disorder.

[lasso 0]

why cant we all just debate like adults why everytime there is a forum or blog people have to start acting childish and bashing each other. this is foolish use the tools god gave you and debate and educate yourself why do you have to be little someone to feel power.

We all should not agree on anything otherwise this world would be a very boring place.

If you felt this post was offensive they why read it or comment on it.

When I find people in life or comments offensive I walk away.

This post has heated up so many people and it was not intended too it was to help and support.

All of you who continue to try to belittle anyone on this site really need to take a good look at why your so fustrated.

God bless

[allousa 1]

I think it's good to post good and bad experiences for others to see. What concerns me is the OP's comments seem rather odd...don't you think. I know others have expressed the same. I find it odd that the OP's fiance hit every single mark of the stereotypical male that most Arab bashers always bring up. Coupled with the fact that the OP is taking a poll on another thread about how many MENA girls are fat and signficantly older than their SO. Just doesn't add up, you know?

The other thing that makes me very sad is that just reading these posts, I felt the doubt creep into my mind. And I've NEVER doubted my husband's love for me before (and keep in mind we have lived together in the states). Funny thing is though, right after I logged off VJ, I happened to check my email before I went to bed and I had an email from my husband telling me how much he missed me and our son...so then I felt bad that I doubted him at all.

It would be terribly sad if the OP was not truthful about their comments and then planted all these seeds of doubt in relationships that aren't fradulent.

I don't think it matters how strong your relationship is, when you read stuff like this, if your SO does one thing that is remotely close to what the OP said...that seed of doubt starts to grow in your mind. Know what I mean?

Don't get me wrong...I don't think it should be all rainbows and unicorns here, but some of this is awfully suspicious.

I don't get this "planting seeds of doubt" idea. I mean, how much power does a person have over another? If the story is made up, does it really matter? If it's someone's true story then that's all it is. Anyone who takes this story and makes rash decisions based on it is either really out of their minds or was already looking for a reason to get out and now this is serving as their excuse.

Peezy - have you been w/o your SO for 3 1/2 years? The sheer strain on a long distance relationship...even one that is strong, can be emotionally devestating. Several people have commented on here about how they approached their SO about the issues brought up on this board and ended up getting in arguments.

And the whole issues of how much power someone has over another...alot of the people here on VJ, IMO, come here for support and understanding as a way to deal with an emotionally stressful situation. Many don't have the support of their families and use VJ as a support system. It is becoming apparent that the OP is quite the storyteller. I would ask then, what is the point of continuing to make these generalized statements about how fraudlent all MENA men are?

Again, it's good to hear the good and the bad. But it's not right to play with people's feelings and emotions.

[Quinn 2]

why cant we all just debate like adults why everytime there is a forum or blog people have to start acting childish and bashing each other. this is foolish use the tools god gave you and debate and educate yourself why do you have to be little someone to feel power.

We all should not agree on anything otherwise this world would be a very boring place.

If you felt this post was offensive they why read it or comment on it.

When I find people in life or comments offensive I walk away.

This post has heated up so many people and it was not intended too it was to help and support.

All of you who continue to try to belittle anyone on this site really need to take a good look at why your so fustrated.

God bless

I don't debate with frauds or trolls or people who think that anyone who disagrees with them isn't acting like an adult. Clearly this thread is offending you, so why don't you take your own advice and walk away?

[JODO 2]

I think the whole ME/NA board has been officially warned to death! Nothing is 100% and there are no guarantees in life and no one can be certain of his/her relationship and can only use his or her best judgment. I certainly wish everyone here will have a happy, productive life together and that no one will have to experience the heartbreak of a divorce or a failed relationship. I think overall it can be beneficial to hear stories where things did not work out well and to have a different paradigm to compare your relationship to;however, when the poster starts saying this will for sure happen to you that is what I think turned me off with the original poster and ditto for the spamming and sweeping generalizations. Anyway, I wish everyone here good luck and thanks to the ladies who sent me the heartfelt pm's. It was greatly appreciated.

Jodo

[allousa 1]