Concerns and Trust

[me_4_musa 1]

OK enough's enough.

This OP has left a very interesting trail on sites all over the net. Here is one particularly fascinating link:

http://www.realitycharity.com/view_item.php?listing_id=1385

In the public interest,

-MK

Wow....just wow!

I thought it was pretty eye-opening. (And that's not all I found )

But it seems that not many here on VJ have taken the time to read it through carefully, and noted the glaring discrepancies with the story as told here.

Gotta love the net -- so many interesting characters !!

I did a little bit of research...but many of the links aren't working. I'm curious to read what they have to say!

[AngelK96 0]

I am a bit confused by these posts about money and what everything thinks it says about their SO. IMO a MENA man who doesn;t support his family back home is a deadbeat, so not wanting to help the parents is a HUGE red flag. Why would a husband feel like he has to send money behind his wife's back unless she just doesn't understand the importance of this for him?

Pugsly- I think your fiance wanting to send money for his parents to go to Mecca is so honorable and it doesn;t even sound as if he was demanding it but asking if you would agree its a good idea.

By culture and by religous law, a Muslim man must support his familyI can't imagine as a wife I would not do whatever it takes to support his family too. Just as he would also support my family if it became necessary.

A woman who isn't rady to place parents and family first above the needs of the couple really should reconsider marrying into this culture.

WHAT???

Let me clarify just a bit. I am not saying the husband and wife need to sacrifie their lives to provide for the needs of the family. A husband is obligated to provide for his wife and she may choose to financially assist the family. BUT marriage in MENA is the marriage of two families, not just two people. Just because a MENA man lives int he US married to an american woman whom he nows provides for and is committed to, doesn mean he leaves his obligation to his parents behind.

Ask your husband how right or wrong I am.

Yes he feels this way. We send money. He also feels that I come first.

Right On

I was going to go to Macdonalds this morning but now after reading tikbj plea for money..sheesh I am unsure of what to do with my 5 dollars. Damn she put her children pictures on the site..tsk tsk tsk

[Marry American 0]

I am a bit confused by these posts about money and what everything thinks it says about their SO. IMO a MENA man who doesn;t support his family back home is a deadbeat, so not wanting to help the parents is a HUGE red flag. Why would a husband feel like he has to send money behind his wife's back unless she just doesn't understand the importance of this for him?

Pugsly- I think your fiance wanting to send money for his parents to go to Mecca is so honorable and it doesn;t even sound as if he was demanding it but asking if you would agree its a good idea.

By culture and by religous law, a Muslim man must support his familyI can't imagine as a wife I would not do whatever it takes to support his family too. Just as he would also support my family if it became necessary.

A woman who isn't rady to place parents and family first above the needs of the couple really should reconsider marrying into this culture.

WHAT???

Let me clarify just a bit. I am not saying the husband and wife need to sacrifie their lives to provide for the needs of the family. A husband is obligated to provide for his wife and she may choose to financially assist the family. BUT marriage in MENA is the marriage of two families, not just two people. Just because a MENA man lives int he US married to an american woman whom he nows provides for and is committed to, doesn mean he leaves his obligation to his parents behind.

Ask your husband how right or wrong I am.

Yes he feels this way. We send money. He also feels that I come first.

Right On

I was going to go to Macdonalds this morning but now after reading tikbj plea for money..sheesh I am unsure of what to do with my 5 dollars. Damn she put her children pictures on the site..tsk tsk tsk

her children are adorable...she has not gotten any money yet..make a donation!

[peezey 0]

Why wouldnt a husband want to send money back home to help his family? He above all should know what they are going through in his country. The wife has to go along with it. He is not making her homeless by supporting his family. In many of these countries, a hundred bucks a month could go a long way for them for example. What seems like a crumb to us is a meal to them. We, as women, chos eto marry into this culture. And yes, things are hard to get used to at first, but at the end of the day, we chose to marry our husbands which means we kinda married their families as well. We have to respect them and care for them like we do our own or what kind of wives are we?

If my husband refused to send money back home I would hit him because I know that he should care for his family...both out of respect and Islamically. And as his wife, I support that even though in this time of our relationship, we have not discussed such things.....but as far as I'm concerned, we don't have to. I already support him on the matter.

After reading this thread (no, I have not read eht ENTIRE thread as it is tooooo long), it makes me glad I married my husband. Every girl has the evil demon inside her head, and who knows how long it will stay. BUT in reality, who was the one that did not want me to file paperwork? My husband. Who was the one that said he could live with me anywhere? My husband. Who was the one taht said I was all he cared about in Amreica. My husband. Who is the one that I can call at any hour of the day and he will in 99 percent of the cases speak to me and even let me speak to his family? My husband. Who is the one taht thinks of his family but also a future for us and our future kids? My husband. And who is the one that is refusing to take money from his own wife to help him (ok, stubborness is sometimes a godo thing, but sometimes a bad thing)? My husband.

I LOVE MY HUSBAND AND THANK ALLAH EVERYDAY FOR HIM AND I HOPE WE ARE TOGETHER SOON:)

When a man marries, his firs priority is his WIFE. So many Muslim women here are forgetting this. No one is saying he can't help his family, but he must firt make sure his marriage finances are secure before sending money to his family. And that probably means his first paycheck can't go to hajj. Not to mention you aren't supposed to be in debt when you are going on hajj or giving money to someone for hajj.

[peezey 0]

I think it's good to post good and bad experiences for others to see. What concerns me is the OP's comments seem rather odd...don't you think. I know others have expressed the same. I find it odd that the OP's fiance hit every single mark of the stereotypical male that most Arab bashers always bring up. Coupled with the fact that the OP is taking a poll on another thread about how many MENA girls are fat and signficantly older than their SO. Just doesn't add up, you know?

The other thing that makes me very sad is that just reading these posts, I felt the doubt creep into my mind. And I've NEVER doubted my husband's love for me before (and keep in mind we have lived together in the states). Funny thing is though, right after I logged off VJ, I happened to check my email before I went to bed and I had an email from my husband telling me how much he missed me and our son...so then I felt bad that I doubted him at all.

It would be terribly sad if the OP was not truthful about their comments and then planted all these seeds of doubt in relationships that aren't fradulent.

I don't think it matters how strong your relationship is, when you read stuff like this, if your SO does one thing that is remotely close to what the OP said...that seed of doubt starts to grow in your mind. Know what I mean?

Don't get me wrong...I don't think it should be all rainbows and unicorns here, but some of this is awfully suspicious.

I don't get this "planting seeds of doubt" idea. I mean, how much power does a person have over another? If the story is made up, does it really matter? If it's someone's true story then that's all it is. Anyone who takes this story and makes rash decisions based on it is either really out of their minds or was already looking for a reason to get out and now this is serving as their excuse.

[AInfante-Saraireh 0]

You know my fiance also spoke of sending money to his family. He is not here yet and one time he told me . You know what ? I said what? the first pay check i get i really want to send my parents to mecca for prilgrimage. Do you mind? I thought to myself. All the sacrifices i made for him and he is thinking of his family first that isnt even sending him money for schooling in this other country that he lives in . This past few days has made me think alot about things especially after so many posts about fraud. I broke up with him about one month ago. I really think i made the right decision. I think i would of been another stitistic in some book. Our petiton got denied about one year ago and maybe it was for the best.

That's right!

[PalestineMyHeart 1,897]

I am a bit confused by these posts about money and what everything thinks it says about their SO. IMO a MENA man who doesn;t support his family back home is a deadbeat, so not wanting to help the parents is a HUGE red flag. Why would a husband feel like he has to send money behind his wife's back unless she just doesn't understand the importance of this for him?

Pugsly- I think your fiance wanting to send money for his parents to go to Mecca is so honorable and it doesn;t even sound as if he was demanding it but asking if you would agree its a good idea.

By culture and by religous law, a Muslim man must support his familyI can't imagine as a wife I would not do whatever it takes to support his family too. Just as he would also support my family if it became necessary.

A woman who isn't rady to place parents and family first above the needs of the couple really should reconsider marrying into this culture.

WHAT???

Let me clarify just a bit. I am not saying the husband and wife need to sacrifie their lives to provide for the needs of the family. A husband is obligated to provide for his wife and she may choose to financially assist the family. BUT marriage in MENA is the marriage of two families, not just two people. Just because a MENA man lives int he US married to an american woman whom he nows provides for and is committed to, doesn mean he leaves his obligation to his parents behind.

Ask your husband how right or wrong I am.

Yes he feels this way. We send money. He also feels that I come first.

Right On

I was going to go to Macdonalds this morning but now after reading tikbj plea for money..sheesh I am unsure of what to do with my 5 dollars. Damn she put her children pictures on the site..tsk tsk tsk

I don't get the impression that MBP was at all suggesting that a Muslim man should leave his wife and children wanting while he funnels the bulk of his income to his parents.

But in ME/NA culture, a son is absolutely expected to help support his parents if they are in need, and absolutely according to his ability to do that. It's part of his honor. Of course he must not leave his wife and children in need -- they are his primary responsibility and everyone there should understand that (unless they are entirely unreasonable.) Budgets should be agreed on between a husband and his wife, no question about it. But an American wife must understand that a ME/NA husband *will* want to help his family back home -- especially his mother and father.

Remember: a few American dollars go a very long way in most of ME/NA. Even as little as fifty or a hundred dollars a month can be a major help to aging, ill or disabled parents. I think there has been a huge misunderstanding of the point here.

-MK

[AngelK96 0]

no disrespect to ya MK but most women should know that already. But when you start doing it behind your spouse's back for whatever reason that is another story.

[PalestineMyHeart 1,897]

I don't get this "planting seeds of doubt" idea. I mean, how much power does a person have over another? If the story is made up, does it really matter? If it's someone's true story then that's all it is. Anyone who takes this story and makes rash decisions based on it is either really out of their minds or was already looking for a reason to get out and now this is serving as their excuse.

4 real. If a story from some dubious stranger on the internet can make you doubt your own relationship, then you weren't too sure about it to begin with.

[palilover 1]

Good wor Wife of Mahmoud:)

He/she/it has caused too much drama for one wee on this board. Is it possible to lock her posts so they can get lost in the shuffle eventually so the rest of us can concentrate on the REAL drama in our lives....

To the OP......if you would stop posting drama stories online and actually get a JOB (have you heard of that?), maybe you would not have the time to cry online for money and scam people. ANd ow, your children might actually get to afford their $150 shoes to wear to school that their mommy worked very hard for:)

[AngelK96 0]

I don't get this "planting seeds of doubt" idea. I mean, how much power does a person have over another? If the story is made up, does it really matter? If it's someone's true story then that's all it is. Anyone who takes this story and makes rash decisions based on it is either really out of their minds or was already looking for a reason to get out and now this is serving as their excuse.

4 real. If a story from some dubious stranger on the internet can make you doubt your own relationship, then you weren't too sure about it to begin with.

BINGO!!! You hit the Jackpot

[PalestineMyHeart 1,897]

no disrespect to ya MK but most women should know that already. But when you start doing it behind your spouse's back for whatever reason that is another story.

Oh I meant to say Welcome Back, Angel !!!

Anyway, that's what I was saying above -- the husband and wife should agree on the budget -- "no question about it." This has to be a joint decision. No major financial transactions should ever be made behind one partner's back.

But buying a ring vs. a trip to Mecca -- they both sound like "luxuries" to me.

-MK

[AngelK96 0]

no disrespect to ya MK but most women should know that already. But when you start doing it behind your spouse's back for whatever reason that is another story.

Oh I meant to say Welcome Back, Angel !!!

Anyway, that's what I was saying above -- the husband and wife should agree on the budget -- "no question about it." This has to be a joint decision. No major financial transactions should ever be made behind one partner's back.

But buying a ring vs. a trip to Mecca -- they both sound like "luxuries" to me.

-MK

Thanks MK, but I think it's only temporary

and agree with what your saying people should try it because it works.

[AInfante-Saraireh 0]

I don't mind my husband sends money home to his Mom, but I don't think he needs to send money home to his sisters and brothers who are married and both have jobs. Life's a ###### sometimes but it doesn't mean we can or should support the world with our little paycheck. It didn't bother me about putting the cross away. My husband wants me Muslim. That's the bottom line. Now Jesus is strong in the Quran, too bad a lot is missed there. He's one of the greatest Prophets according to the Quran and will return in the end. So if that is the case, He should be highly respected as the Prophet Mohammed is. The only thing that really bothers me in my marriage is not being sure he married me for the green card and lieing. I hate liars! But he always thinks I'm going to be mad if he tells me the truth coz he knows I won't agree on all. But also remember, the ME man is used to doing things on their own, even some things their wives don't even know. Also, my husband was single before, now he is married, everything takes an adjustment. I've come to the conclusion, that maybe I should interview for the green card with him on September 5th and then, if he married me for the green card, he can leave. I have told him this, no secrets here. I told him don't wait around 3 years for your citizenship, I hate to be used. Wait 5 years and you can go for it on your own. So those are my decisions for now. I know what's in my heart. I express it freely to others. But you can't keep someone with you who doesn't want to be with you. I'm not saying that my husband feels this way. What I am saying, we all have to take the risks. WE got this far, so let's complete it. Also, we really don't know the entire truth. I hear that if your husband doesn't want you to live with him in his country, then he married for a green card. That's not true. Some of these men have small jobs that don't pay much and can hardly support themselves. They are also afraid that we will not adapt to their culture and lifestyle and they know ours very well and there is truth to this. I know this culture way before I married my husband, and I know how important it is to them to send money home to help the family. Now Jordan has gotten very expensive I hear. sending a 100.00 only give them 70 jds. That's #######! So if my husband wants to send money home, do it. He does pay half the bills here for now. Do I count on him saving enough money to buy a house? No, not if he is constantly sending money home. Obviously, he likes to save money on the side in his own secret pocket to send home. So when it comes time for us to grow beyond where we are now, I really can't say if he will be willing to sacrifice sending money home to buy a home here.

I met a Bosnian Muslim at the gas station a few months ago. He said, I am Muslim and it's my responsibility to help take care of my mother/family. So he and his brother put 500.00 a month together and send 1000 home to her every month.

Well, getting closer to the AOS interview. I guess the rest is up to the couselor. I will trust in God enough, that He will shine or rain on this interview. It's in his hands!

Andrea

[sara535 15]

I don't get this "planting seeds of doubt" idea. I mean, how much power does a person have over another? If the story is made up, does it really matter? If it's someone's true story then that's all it is. Anyone who takes this story and makes rash decisions based on it is either really out of their minds or was already looking for a reason to get out and now this is serving as their excuse.

4 real. If a story from some dubious stranger on the internet can make you doubt your own relationship, then you weren't too sure about it to begin with.

I agree too. When I read her post I certainly didnt think for one minute that it had a bearing on my own life. However my husband has been here for almost 3 years and we have a lot of solid ground under our feet. I think its a little harder for those still waiting who often havent seen their loved ones for several months, its much easier for the 'seeds of doubt' to sprout.

I also want to add, when we read the OPs post, however true or untrue it may be, lets also all bear in mind that there are 2 sides to every story and frankly the more that comes out about her and the more she posts her rantings I cant help but think maybe her husband or husbands really got put through the wringer with this one and maybe we all ought to stop and think for a minute about his side.

I have seen myself first hand bitter divorce cases in which either side will come up with whatever possible ammunitions they can think of including child abuse, spousal abuse, whatever, in order to hurt the other party. When it gets that bad truth is often the first casualty. its called SOUR GRAPES. I think its what we are seeing here and everyone needs to be taking this whole thing with a huge grain of salt. a SHAKER of salt.