cultural differences

[Pinay Wife 47]

Help your fiancee during her transition...

Transitioning from Filipina to Filipino-American <http://filipinawives.com/TransitioningFilipina.htm>

Culture shock will affect Filipina and her American husband, and every couple will encounter unique problems that require both partners to make lifestyle adjustments. But the Filipina is at a disadvantage in that she is utterly immersed in a new culture, inside and outside the home, whereas her American husband is on familiar ground as soon as he steps out the front door.

Below I've listed a few problem areas that many (not all!) newly arrived Filipinas face, but these are only intended to get the discourse started. If you are involved in a Fil-West (or Fil/Non-Fil) marriage, and you've encountered other areas of adjustment, please email me! And let me know what solutions you came up with.

I put this page together because adjustment to a new culture can be made less turbulent with a little planning on the part of both partners. Learn what you can about her culture, prepare for trouble spots, and exhibit patience an empathy when dealing with her. Doing these things will make your first few months together in America a lot more pleasant.

(Standard caveat, until I get my new 150 million page web site up, I'm forced to use generalizations in describing Filipinas and Fil-West marriage. Needless to say, not all these descriptions apply to all Filipinas or all marriages. Use your own judgment to whether or not the items apply to you and your wife; you don't need to email. I concede in advance that you know your fiancée or wife better than I do. Thanks!)

Adjustment issues for the Filipina:

1. Lack of an immediate local community - socially and geographically. In the Philippines it is not unusual for a Filipina to know her neighbors, to see them on a daily basis, and to interact with them when leaving or returning to her home. The dwellings are usually small and very near to one another, and the windows and doors to constantly open due to the heat, and clothes are often washed and hung out to dry outside. So everyday life in the Philippines is a very public affair. In the U.S., however, houses are placed further apart, the windows and doors are often closed, and meals, laundry and other household chores are carried out within the confines of the home. In apartment complexes neighbors are often only seen during chance encounters on the staircase or in the elevator, and the conversations are usually brief and uninvolved. Americans often do not even know the names of their neighbors. For a Filipina, this may seem like a very "isolated" existence, and during those times that she is alone the situation may become virtually unbearable.

2. Appliances like washing machines, microwaves, vacuum cleaners, food processors, etc., will probably require a little instruction. If there is a floor that needs to be swept, many Filipinas will prefer to use the traditional waist-high brooms of her homeland to the taller, narrower American versions sold in stores here. Don't forget to cover the essentials, such as: don't put metal in the microwave, don't put hand soap into the dishwasher, stuff like that.

3. Entertainment. Filipino television tends to be more "local" in flavor than American television, and it's not unusual to see the same star appearing on multiple shows. Actors sing, singers act, etc. It's like one big variety show. Think of American television in the early 70's. American television tends to be drier, sharper, and edgier (you know, with those shows where it seems like there was no money left in the budget for lighting and everyone is always frowning to show how tough they are). Also, American comedies contain political and cultural humor that might be as funny as a clump of dirt to a person from another country. For this reason, a Filipina may find American television a little less than entertaining. And while she'll probably recognize all the major American actors and actresses, she'll still miss her favorite Filipino stars. She'll also miss those Filipino soaps and love stories.

4. Food. The idea that certain foods are for breakfast, some for lunch, and some for dinner might be alien to some Filipinas, and you might need to explain what foods are generally acceptable for different meals (i.e., no hot dogs for breakfast, no bagels for suppers, etc...unless you're a college student). You might also point out that in social situations, it's proper to keep one's mouth closed when eating and that utensils, not fingers, must be used for certain foods. Needless to say, the diet of a Filipina and her American husband will differ considerably at first, though in time middle ground is almost always achieved.

5. Driving. 99.9% chance a Filipina arriving here in the States has never driven before. She has spent her life walking or using public transportation. If she's moving to New York, Chicago or some other large metropolitan area, she might not have much to adjust to, but if she's moving to an area that is rural or that has a poor mass transit system, she will be dependent on others to get her around town until she learns to drive. This new dependence on others will be quite a change from her earlier ability to go where she pleased whenever she pleased.

6. Currency. While most Filipinas are familiar with dollars, U.S. coins (pennies, nickels, dimes, quarters) might be alien to her. It doesn't help any that the names for our coins have little to do with their value, i.e., 1 cent = penny, 5 cents = nickel, etc.

7. Weather. Winter is alien to most Filipinas. I picked my wife up at the airport in winter, and as we made the two hour drive home, she looked at all the trees alongside the road and asked why we didn't cut them down, since they were obviously dead. I told her they were not dead, they were just leafless because if it was winter. I don't think she believed me until Spring came and, surprise, the trees came back to life! Cold weather will obviously be a new thing for most Filipinas, also, as will be snow, Fall colors, and pollen.

8. Family is EVERYTHING to most Filipinas. In contrast, to many Americans family is defined as "those guys you used to live with." American culture stresses independence, Filipino culture stresses interdependence. You must accept her need to communicate with her family and facilitate it as best you can. You should do your best to behave as a member of her family and to show concern for your in-laws. Do not be surprised if she has a marked interest in being accepted by your family, also. While you might consider your family's attitudes toward your personal life irrelevant, she will likely seek approval by them. Especially your mother.

9. Sense of competition. This might sound odd, but in some ways Filipinas are just as material as Americans. Filipinas often express a desire to own name-brand items, jewelry, and assorted luxury items. This comes as a shock to many American men who presume that a woman from a poverty-stricken country will have few if any material wants. Such is not the case, gentlemen. Filipinas adapt quickly to new surroundings and financial realities and will usually re-evaluate their situation rapidly. While they may be grateful not to be poor anymore, they will nevertheless strive to "keeping up with the Jones." This seems to be especially true if there are other Filipinas in your area. Even minor things, like furniture or clothing, are often tabulated to determine where one stands socially. Even though you may think that it's ridiculous that your wife is jealous of her Filipina friend's new couch, remember that in her mind she might have just fallen a notch in the social hierarchy.

10. Money matters. In the Philippines, it is traditional for the women to pay the bills. This is simply more expedient, since bills are normally paid in person and not by mail, and the men are usually working during business hours. This means that the wives will have to go the power or water company with her family's bill and a handful of pesos once a month. So don't be surprised if your wife expresses a desire to pay the bills in your home. If you allow this (and you probably should, you were never any good at it, were you?), you'll need to teach her how to write checks and pay bills by mail. Most Filipinas also control their family's budget, and they do a superior job of it, so you should expect to hand over the reins to your wife at some point. Not doing so may be seen as an offense to her, i.e., a lack of trust in her abilities.

11. Wealth. You are probably not rich, and you should make sure your wife understands this. Wealth is, of course, a relative thing. In the Philippines, there are poor people and rich people but not many in-between. So it is quite common for a Filipina to presume that because an American is not poor, he must be rich. The idea of a "middle class" should be explained to her. She will not be rich enough to afford everything she wants, but neither so poor that she will ever have to worry about food or shelter. While she may be much more comfortable financially in America, she will not be able to get everything she wants nor will she be able to send thousands of dollars back to her family in the Philippines. Her family should understand this too, as on rare occasions family members can become resentful when a Filipina doesn't provide them will all the financial support they expect.

12. Tipping. Let your wife know that some forms of "tipping" in the Philippines constitute what we call "bribery" in the United States, and that it is illegal. A "tip" in the U.S. is different from a tip in the Philippines in that here it is a bonus that you give to someone AFTER a service has been provided you IF you thought the service was exceptional. You tip waiters, housekeepers, taxi drivers, etc. You DO NOT "tip" policemen, the mailman, or local politicians (unless you need a big favor and have thousands of dollars to spare in your bank account, of course. No, wait, better not tell her that...).

13. Haggling. Driving prices down through haggling is a part of life in the Philippines, but of course a Filipina should not try that at an American grocery store. You can just imagine the look on the cashier's face if this occurred. Be sure that your wife understands that most grocery stores, department stores, etc., have set prices that cannot be reduced at her request. You also cannot normally haggle with taxi drivers, dry cleaners, etc. If she feels compelled to haggle, take her to a yard sale or farmer's market somewhere. She'll probably get you a good deal.

Edited July 22, 2007 by PatientlyWaiting

[Sheriff Uling 3]

I would say that my wife and I do NOT suffer any cultural differences that cause any setbacks/challenges in our relationship. However, I do find the Filipino superstitions hilariously stupid. Not to be offensive, but I'm an American. What do I know...

Cheers!!!

Sheriff Uling

p.s. - Ate Cora that is some great information that you provided...

Edited July 22, 2007 by Sheriff Uling

[archie07 0]

That was great, funny watching my wife haggle at the flea market. She does get a deal.

[jom 4]

I would say that my wife and I do NOT suffer any cultural differences that cause any setbacks/challenges in our relationship. However, I do find the Filipino superstitions hilariously stupid. Not to be offensive, but I'm an American. What do I know...

Cheers!!!

Sheriff Uling

p.s. - Ate Cora that is some great information that you provided...

Same here. Have not heard of my fiancee talking about superstitios beliefs. . as she always tell me, if its your time, its your time, now matter where you are and whatever you are doing so do what you want as long as you dont hurt others and live each day as if its your last. . .again, I cant argue with that.

About the tampo thing. . it happened once when we were just starting to get intimate. She noticed that my cam was on and yet I have not invited her to see me, she waited then asked who I was camming with and I told her a chatfriend and was telling her( chatfriend) about her ( my fiancee).... she then told me directly that if she has to wait for me to talk to her she better log out and come back later because she has other things to do and bammmm, that hit me hard. The good thing about my fiancee's being direct is that I get to know exactly what she is feeling and we get to talk about it. So far, no arguments and we just compliment each other. She is a kid at heart despite her being tough and thats what make the two us us click"

[Epiphany 0]

Tampo

I got the tampo thing when I told my girl what day I had to fly home. She got depressed. Even though we still had 5 days left. The day of the flight home it was tampo big time. Then more tampo at the airport.

[busycharlie 0]

Great Post PatientlyWaiting, I will pass this along to MJ. I can just see her now haggling over the prices. I have already told her about how expensive things are here and she is already in shock, lol.

Thanks for the post,

Charlie

[Psoas10 17]

The only problems my fiance will have is driving and some of the Appliances, like oven and turning on the tv system here. The foods are the same here, and hot dogs and rice are breakfast foods here. In fact she will help adjust to the culture here, haggle for me at the farmers market etc. There is TFC here for her too watch. Also the weather, yeah she will be cold here when the temp drops to 70 at night,hehe. Of course in the mainland it can be way different and harder for her to adjust.

[edp333 9]

I figured out the "okay/yes" thing early ... Okay sounds like "oo" the tagalog form of "yes" so I've had to break myself of using that unless I mean "yes" and go with "I understand" or "I don't understand"

I see or IC seems to work also. I learned about oo in my first few days. A little boy bumped into me and I said,"oh oh." He reached up and grabbed my hand. My soon to be wife explained that oo means something different in Tagalog while laughing at me.