cultural differences

[jom 4]

With my fiancee Myla, I didnt have much concerns about most things. About money, the only time I spent for her was when I visited her in the Philippines and the filing the petition in USCIS. Definitely I will spend for her interview , medical and ticket coming here. She doesnt use much of the word "okay" and "up to you" to me, hahaha, but its probably because of her work and its good for me because she has brilliant ideas. She spends too, but one thing I notice is that she manages her money well, better than me so definitely shell be incharge of our finances when she gets here. Since we met and started to talk last November last year we still have to argue about something so im taking this as a good sign. We chat in YM three times a day and have our everyday tuck in calls and she keeps me on my toes. Despite her work schedule , I am just glad she owns her time and can talk to me that much.

When I visited her, it was her idea that we spend more time together alone before we see her family, and it worked for the better. Her family is great also. Her being a world traveller has also something to do with her personality being able to adapt to any situation, in any place so I am very confident she will do great here. It is still a long journey for us, especially after getting married, thats the real world begins of being together but as they say, it takes a lifetime to know your partner BUT I believe the best thing about this whole process is that it is always fun especially when you are both devoted to each other.

We are all blessed that we found these wonderful women from the Philippines who know how to take care of their men.

Joe

[Psoas10 17]

Wow the money goes to the family. Hmm glad I dont have that problem. I send her some money and it goes straight into the bank, after paying the phone bills. Yeah she showed her bank statement. In reality she will help me alot with dealing with all the filipinos here. Coz there are alot here. She will make sure they dont talk bad about us.

[jom 4]

With my fiancee Myla, I didnt have much concerns about most things. About money, the only time I spent for her was when I visited her in the Philippines and the filing the petition in USCIS. Definitely I will spend for her interview , medical and ticket coming here. She doesnt use much of the word "okay" and "up to you" to me, hahaha, but its probably because of her work and its good for me because she has brilliant ideas. She spends too, but one thing I notice is that she manages her money well, better than me so definitely shell be incharge of our finances when she gets here. Since we met and started to talk last November last year we still have to argue about something so im taking this as a good sign. We chat in YM three times a day and have our everyday tuck in calls and she keeps me on my toes. Despite her work schedule , I am just glad she owns her time and can talk to me that much.

When I visited her, it was her idea that we spend more time together alone before we see her family, and it worked for the better. Her family is great also. Her being a world traveller has also something to do with her personality being able to adapt to any situation, in any place so I am very confident she will do great here. It is still a long journey for us, especially after getting married, thats the real world begins of being together but as they say, it takes a lifetime to know your partner BUT I believe the best thing about this whole process is that it is always fun especially when you are both devoted to each other.

We are all blessed that we found these wonderful women from the Philippines who know how to take care of their men.

Joe

And about her family, I have no worries about that too because they belong to the upper middle class status in their place. All professionals and earning . So, I have not really in a way supported her financially because she earns good also being a lawyer, and definitely her family doesnt need my support. And I also didnt offer because I dont want to kind of "insult" the judge mother. But, we have discussed about it and once she starts working here, she will definitely send a small portion of her income to her parents as her way of remembering them and thanking them for what she has become now because of their guidance, this I cant argue. Yes its true, every Filipino is very family oriented and they will work day and night to give them a better life , in a way, it has its pros and cons but it is what it is.

[Epiphany 0]

I told my gal I was looking at new 4x4 trucks. I used techinline.com to link into her computer and remotely surf her computer to the Chevy website. As soon as she saw the new truck she said "Buy it honey I like it".

I just moaned thinking boy am I in trouble. She kept telling me to buy it and I said "Honey we have to pay for it for 5 years". Every month a big 600/mo payment plus gas, tires, registration, insurance, etc. Her next words were "buy it honey".

Man im in trouble.

I made the mistake of letting her stay in my 300/night 6 star hotel and now she thinks Im some super rich American.

Edited July 21, 2007 by Epiphany

[RonMay 1]

that's the misconception of some other filipina (thinking that every american is rich or at least that every american "can" buy anything)... the thing though is, its because for example, you bring her to a 6 star hotel lol... and you didnt explain it to her that its a "vacation" thing, that you "save" money for it, so you and especially her can enjoy the great amenities... she'll understand it if your really explain it to her. the visa process, your trip/s, her plane tickets to be here, and by the end of it, we'll be broke...

although i bet she'll see the real life/situation once she gets here... we filipinas are hard working though, we can help you out, and its worth the spend (aheeem) kidding

[doug & angel 0]

I made the mistake of letting her stay in my 300/night 6 star hotel and now she thinks Im some super rich American.

Thats so true .. we stayed in a hotel in Makati for a couple of nights. I travel a lot in business so I have a huge amount of points for both airfare and hotels which I used for my trip. It really struck me about the economic and cultural differences when her daughter (both our kids were with us) said "Mommy this is a place for rich people, as there are not any cockroaches on the walls" How do you explain about such things as "points" which paid for the majority of our airfare and hotel to someone whose culture is based primarily on pay as you go? My out of pocket was only a few thousand pesos + tips .. I'm sure my step-daughter to be thinks I'm a rich white-guy now. At 7 years of age, I guess thats okay for now. When shes a teenager and wants a car, well thats when the harsh reality of the american working class will finally be understood.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Jinky is much more frugal about everything than I am. If my stepson can't finish his plate off, she'll ask me to eat the rest...hehehe. I can totally understand though where it comes from and I'm glad she is that way.

As for communication - 'she' and 'he'....Jinky swaps those out in a conversation and it completely throws me off as I have NO idea who she is talking about.

Also, when we are at a restaurant, she likes to take her time looking over the menu while the waiter is standing there...OMG! That one freaks me out...either order something or tell them to come back, sheesh!!!

She takes a lot of pride in everything she does - something that I admire very much. I tend to half-a$s a lot of things.

[RonMay 1]

I made the mistake of letting her stay in my 300/night 6 star hotel and now she thinks Im some super rich American.

Thats so true .. we stayed in a hotel in Makati for a couple of nights. I travel a lot in business so I have a huge amount of points for both airfare and hotels which I used for my trip. It really struck me about the economic and cultural differences when her daughter (both our kids were with us) said "Mommy this is a place for rich people, as there are not any cockroaches on the walls" How do you explain about such things as "points" which paid for the majority of our airfare and hotel to someone whose culture is based primarily on pay as you go? My out of pocket was only a few thousand pesos + tips .. I'm sure my step-daughter to be thinks I'm a rich white-guy now. At 7 years of age, I guess thats okay for now. When shes a teenager and wants a car, well thats when the harsh reality of the american working class will finally be understood.

its ok...filipino kids think having a tv, microwave, dvd, stove, refrigerator, a/c, computer, and especially a car... is rich enough for them... which is considered the most basic stuff here in the US... our upbringing is way too simple that what you already have are more than enough for a 7 yr old kid... of course when she turns 16 and has long gone adopting the "american culture" then expect for her to cry out for a car... hehehehe... but imagine just thinking because there's no cockroach in the wall means being rich already... how humbling is that

Edited July 21, 2007 by ronmay

[jazzy 0]

that's the misconception of some other filipina (thinking that every american is rich or at least that every american "can" buy anything)... the thing though is, its because for example, you bring her to a 6 star hotel lol... and you didnt explain it to her that its a "vacation" thing, that you "save" money for it, so you and especially her can enjoy the great amenities... she'll understand it if your really explain it to her. the visa process, your trip/s, her plane tickets to be here, and by the end of it, we'll be broke...

although i bet she'll see the real life/situation once she gets here... we filipinas are hard working though, we can help you out, and its worth the spend (aheeem) kidding

when i was still a kid i was thinking that all american (foreigners) are rich. ..lol.. when i was engaged in real estate (in cebu) i can identify already who are rich and average american (foreigners) are. mostly filipina ladies (sorry if i offended...lol... i am just being honest...by observation) they think that all american can really afford the 5star hotels, nice car and everything....lol.(just in one click )..when i met my husband...during our first meeting we discussed where to go and if he can afford those stuff and everything for our vacation.( he was honest of finances and what he can afford)...we went to different places but i need to be sure that we wont stay in a very expensive hotel cos i dont want him to think that i am taking advantage or whatsoever....i uderstand how hard he earned those money and plane tickets just to visit me here 3 times before i finally got in his side. about money matters (supporting parents , kids, sometimes siblings and relatives...lol) yes......its hard for american to understand this cos they are financially independent since the age of 18. one of our culture that we need to be discussed thouroughly with them... what to do.... since this is what we want helping our love ones in the philippines. i know its hard for us filipina to ignore people we love cos we are a very family oreinted country. for me, i think discussion, acceptance and understanding between cultural and individual differences can help a lot in a relationship with day to day hard work to have a successful marriage.

jazzy

[Ano 0]

Can we discuss two topics I am trying to understand?

Firstly, "Tampo"?

What is the best way to deal with this?

Secondly, "Superstitions"?

What superstitions should I be aware of, as not to be disparaging to these beliefs?

PS. My nyoba will be here Friday, her despedida is Today (PI time)!

Thanks

[ysa 0]

I was born in the phil. and when i was 20 yrs old we move in canada and its been 20 yrs now that i been living here in north america which you will think i will not have chalenge ( I call it chalenge insted of problem) with my american husband. That's what i thought too i still have some of my filipino culture that i cannot just put aside, like helping family back in the phil once in while, raising my daughter the way i think is right but for him its not (this is a big one)

All i can say/advice with all american guys who is married with filipina, dont spoiled your girl, and dont say its up to you because if you say that! they will think its ok, make sure you read between the lines, and speak a little bit slowly if your explaning something remember english is not our first language. Remember guys it will take time for them to adjust with american culture, take it easy and communication is the answer for everything.

[ysa 0]

Can we discuss two topics I am trying to understand?

Firstly, "Tampo"?

What is the best way to deal with this?

Secondly, "Superstitions"?

What superstitions should I be aware of, as not to be disparaging to these beliefs?

PS. My nyoba will be here Friday, her despedida is Today (PI time)!

Thanks

TAMPO if its your fault admit it say sorry but if you think its a none sense just ignore it let it go, or maybe she's spoiled???? and she knows how to play with your emotion. (just guessing OK)

Superstitions what part of the phil she came from?

[vsmtghdy 2]

Can we discuss two topics I am trying to understand?

Firstly, "Tampo"?

What is the best way to deal with this?

Secondly, "Superstitions"?

What superstitions should I be aware of, as not to be disparaging to these beliefs?

PS. My nyoba will be here Friday, her despedida is Today (PI time)!

Thanks

Tampo-> well, if she's having tampo, that maybe a sign that she needs more attention and pampering... Sometimes because (mostly)Pinays are not that expressive or don't know how to express their feelings that when they want something and can't express it, that they tend to get "frustrated' (?) and would just have "Tampo" instead... Just try to understand her and be sensitive with her feelings.

About Superstitions? - You may have to specify what superstitious belief you want to discuss. Do you mean like "religious superstitions/beliefs" or like the "feng shui" or something like that?

Happy and SAfe trip to her!

[Pinay Wife 47]

From http://filipinawives.com/Tampo.htm

Tampo

If you’re planning to enter into a relationship with a Filipina, it’s important to gain an understanding of what “tampo” is. Let’s do this in a clinical fashion...

Definition: While the analogy isn’t perfect, you can think of tampo as “pouting” or “sulking”.

Cause: Typically, a Filipina will exhibit tampo when she feels she has been neglected or ignored, but she may also invoke it when she is jealous, or basically anytime her feelings are hurt.

Symptoms: The Filipina will seem withdrawn or sullen. She may be unusually silent, or she may express he dissatisfaction by “whining” in a melodramatic, almost child-like fashion. She may refuse to eat (only in the most severe cases!).

Duration and Severity of Condition: Tampo is a strictly short-term condition and should not be considered life threatening. Tampo is the result of mild dissatisfaction, not of actual anger. The behavior is a cultural norm in the Philippines and a westerner should not be overly concerned the first time he encounters it. Tampo is a very useful tool, because it allows a Filipina to show her displeasure about something you have done. Remember, confrontation is generally unacceptable in Filipino society, so disagreement or displeasure must be expressed indirectly.

Here is an example of tampo: You’re with your fiancée walking hand-in-hand down a crowded street. You notice a beautiful young woman walking toward you wearing a tank top that’s cut way too low, and you can’t tear your eyes away from her. Your fiancée notices this behavior.

A non-Filipina might react by saying, “Put your eyes back in your head! I can’t believe you were staring at that girl right in front of me! What has she got that I haven’t got!?” At which point she may stalk off, cry, or punch you.

A Filipina in that same situation, however, would probably squeeze your hand and say something like, “She’s pretty, di ba?” Then you’d stammer something about not noticing, blah, blah, blah, and you’d think you’d gotten away with it. Yet your fiancée would seem suddenly distant. She’d not proffer her hand to you as you walked together, she’s speak only when spoken to, and she’d probably shrug indifferently when you asked her a question. You’re on the receiving end of tampo.

It’s very important that you understand this: Tampo is merely intended to let you know that you’ve committed some minor offense, for which you must make amends. It is a mild behavioral reprimand that verges on role-playing. The worst thing you could do is to get stressed out over a tampo session, because an over-reaction on your part may escalate the situation to the point that your fiancée or wife becomes genuinely angry.

On the other hand, don’t misdiagnose genuine anger, sadness, or depression as mere tampo. If you’re girlfriend, fiancée or wife seems deeply depressed, that is NOT tampo. If she’s crying hysterically, that is NOT tampo. If she’s hurling dishes at you, that is NOT tampo. Tampo is mild and controlled and is the direct result of some perceived offense of a minor nature. It is short in duration. If an emotional abnormality seems unusually severe or extended in duration, and you cannot identify the cause, it is not tampo, and consequently deserves serious attention.

Treatment: Should you suspect that a Filipina you care for is displeased with you, and is expressing that displeasure through tampo, you have several options:

(End of book excerpt – if you’d like the entire text, they want you to consider ordering The ASAWA Guide to Fil-West Relationships.)

[Pinay Wife 47]

And about superstitions, again from http://filipinawives.com/Superstitions.htm

Superstitions

Odds are, if you’re engaged or married to a Filipina, you’re already aware that superstition plays a prominent role in Filipino culture. True, every culture entertains superstition to some degree (for westerners, the stigma attached to the number 13, knocking over a saltshaker, or walking under a ladder are examples), but in the Philippines superstition has evolved into a virtual science. It’s a part of life, just like eating, drinking, and brown outs. And as the sexes go, Filipinas tend to be much more superstitious than their male counterparts.

My theory here is that protecting the home from evil spirits and curses is considered “woman’s work”, i.e., the responsibility of the wife. I say this based on my observation, while in the Philippines, that all the women on my wife’s side of the family spend considerable time analyzing and overcoming potential curses, whereas the men seem more interested in tackling the REAL problems of the world, like war and social injustice, by sitting in lawn chairs next to the road and talking loudly. Usually while drinking beer and smoking cigarettes in rapid succession and yelling “hoy!” at random passers-by. I think it may be awhile before we see world peace under these circumstances, but at least these gentlemen are making an effort.

As a western husband, then, you can do one of two things. You can facilitate your wife’s belief system for the benefit of your marriage, or you can try to put a stop to it. The latter option is not a very good one, and here’s why:

First, she’s not going to abandon her superstitions simply because you find them silly. She may be more covert about some things, and less willing to discuss with you her thoughts and ideas on certain subjects, but just because you don’t know what’s going on doesn’t mean nothing’s going on. More importantly, you wife will resent you for your attack her core beliefs.

Think of it this way: Many American guys live for NFL football, and would go absolutely bonkers if their wives decided to start up a conversation about, say, curtains, in the last two minutes of the game with the score tied and a playoff berth on the line. You must know that many wives think such devotion to a “game” is the height of silliness, especially when there are critical drapery decisions to be made. But for you, football is important, and a part of your life, and if you’re lucky, your wife will tolerate your devotion to the game. So, my thinking is that, if she lets you have your football, you should let her protect your home from vampires.

Second, all that superstitious activity can really be quite endearing. It definitely makes a marriage more interesting. As an example, my wife positively refuses to throw away uncooked rice. We had a 25 pound bag of rice in Hawai’i one time, and she found bugs in it, but she wouldn’t throw it away because to do so was bad luck. However, after considerable discussion of the pro’s and con’s of having a bug-filled bag of rice in our kitchen for the rest of our lives (I took the con side of the argument), my wife graciously allowed me to haul the bag out to the side of the street. I’ve often wondered why it’s okay to throw away cooked rice, but not uncooked. Had we brewed up a rice-n-bug soup, could she have thrown that away, for instance...?

Mind you, this is my wife’s own particular superstition, and it may be restricted to her village or her province, and isn’t necessarily a Philippines-wide belief. The point is that, far from finding such incidents frustrating, I usually find them amusing. My wife turned a mundane activity like throwing away rice into an adventure, full of all kinds of peril. Well, perceived peril, I guess I should say, since she was never quite clear on what happens to someone who throws away uncooked rice. Presumably something bad. In retrospect, I think that may have been about the time that I first noticed my hairline receding...

Point number two, then, is that you should view your wife’s superstitions in a positive light. You wanted exotic – you got it!

The third reason for facilitating your wife’s beliefs is that – hey, who knows, maybe she’s on to something! I mean, how do you know that someone hasn’t put the evil eye on you? You probably wouldn’t know an evil eye if you saw one, would you? How do you know that vampires aren’t making nightly jaunts to your house, only to be turned back by that garlic clove in the window? Sure you don’t see the vampires, but that only means the garlic in the window is working. And while you might not be interested in where you got the flu, your loving wife might be very hard at work analyzing everything you’ve done, and everyone you’ve encountered, for the past three weeks of your life, and at some point she may figure out exactly who or what made you sick. Then she’ll prescribe a cure (in my house, such cures often consist of sour fruits and pocketing spent shell casings from large caliber rifles), and voila, in a few days you’re going to get all better. Guaranteed.

The wonderful thing about a having highly superstitious nature is that you’re never at a loss for an explanation. Of anything. Science is burdensome in that it requires all kinds of theories and tests and re-tests before conclusions can be reached, but superstitions are flexible and provide answers on the fly, as needed. My wife, for example, is never, ever at a loss for why something occurs. Whether it be an illness, a pay raise, a car wreck, or bad weather, she always has the inside scoop. Cause and Effect are readily apparent to her. As an example, if I were to trip on a treadmill at the gym and rub the skin off my knees (I’m not saying this happened, but I should point out that those treadmills aren’t nearly as wide as they should be), I’ll bandage up my injuries, swallow my pride, and forget about it. But my wife will require only minutes to come up with a hypothesis like, “I think you made someone mad and they did that to you.”

The cause and effect thing need not have a supernatural basis, by the way. Food and hygiene are often the culprits when things go right or wrong. You may forget things because you’re not eating enough peanuts, for example. A woman might get ill because she washed her hair during the first day of her menstrual cycle. I might get fat (okay - “fatter”), because I didn’t eat a sour fruit after my main course. These types of beliefs would better be described as folklore or wives’ tales than superstition, but they can be just as taxing on a western husband who’s unable to accommodate his wife’s beliefs. (A side note here: I’ve observed that oil, creams, salves, and liquids are considered by many Filipinas to be more legitimate in treating illnesses than pills or capsules. Just something to keep in mind if you’ve ever got a sick asawa on your hands.)

I should address numerology and dream interpretation, too. For every season there is a reason...and for every number and dream, too, apparently. Numbers are everywhere, even in places you might not think to look. A hair on the bathroom counter might be in the shape of a 6, for example. There might be a scribble on a piece of paper you find on the ground that, in the right light and with enough squinting, reveals the number 87. More obvious sources for numbers are license plates, hotel room numbers, phone numbers, ages, birthdays, and television channels.

And there’s only one practical use for such numbers – gambling. In the Philippines, these discovered numbers will be used in the game of “jueting”, whereas in the U.S. the numbers will be applied to one of the state lotteries. My wife is seriously concerned that someday my job might require me to transfer to a state without a lottery. Sure, there are other considerations, like crime, pollution, climate, etc., but the most important of all considerations is the availability of a lottery. Or, absent that, a state’s proximity to a civilized area that does have the lottery.

Dreams have supernatural trappings in many cultures, of course, including those of the west. Carl Jung and Freud come immediately to mind as pioneers in dream research, though Freud was more pragmatic and Jung more unconventional in approaching these night time visions. Needless to say, Filipinos are just as interested in dreams and interpretations of dreams as westerners are, if not more so. I don’t see any reason to go into more detail, since this is one subject all of you are already familiar with. Especially if your read the tabloids at the supermarkets. Just be aware that you will probably spend the occasional morning discussing the ramifications of what your asawa dreamt about the night before.

All this simply means that you should support your wife, whether you find her beliefs logical or inexplicable. Superstition is how she deals with the mysteries of everyday life, and her beliefs contribute greatly to her psychological makeup. If you pull away one of the pillars of her personality, your charming, loving wife might become dull and cynical. By depriving her of part of her culture, you might extinguish the fire that attracted you to her in the first place.

To wrap all this up, I’ll convey one of my own experiences to you. One night on the Discovery Channel there was a show about superstitions. It covered all the basics, like black cats and broken mirrors, along with the possible origins of the beliefs. I was sitting next to my wife on the couch watching the show, which she fully expected to provide her with more ammunition in her relentless struggle against the forces of evil (I seem to recall she had a pad of paper nearby in case notes were necessary). The show was pretty entertaining until an editor for Skeptic magazine was interviewed. He stated, in a very condescending tone, that superstitions were stupid and often dangerous and that he found it incredible that modern people still accepted such myths.

Now, I’m not personally superstitious, and in a different setting, I might have be nodding my head in agreement with the guy. But I knew that my wife was watching, and I suddenly realized that the last thing I wanted was for my wife to find herself under attack by some academic in a sweater on television. It took me only a few seconds to decide to change the channel to a more suitable program. Battlebots.

My wife didn’t complain. And believe me, she’s no fan of the Battlebots. She thinks it’s silly, the idea of remotely controlled robots fighting each other. But she sat there next to me and watched as Atomic Wedgie pushed Vlad the Impaler into the Kill-Saws again and again, giggling at the absurdity of it all but never raising a single objection. She gets her vampires, and I get Vlad the Impaler. It's a wondeful arrangement.