Newly married and already issues

[RO_AH 1,659]

2 minutes ago, MarJhi said:

Don't you think it's odd that an adult human being in the United States of America doesn't carry any identification on their person? She should probably have her own set of keys with her as well (assuming she is allowed to have keys).

I don't know, my wife never carries ID or keys. She is more than welcome to if she wants to, but since she goes out with me she doesn't need keys. She doesn't want to lug around a purse or wallet.

[MarJhi 963]

1 minute ago, RO_AH said:

I don't know, my wife never carries ID or keys. She is more than welcome to if she wants to, but since she goes out with me she doesn't need keys. She doesn't want to lug around a purse or wallet.

Fair enough.... I didn't know that was a thing...except on the show "Cops", nobody ever has ID on there.😁

[Redro 4,611]

24 minutes ago, RO_AH said:

I don't know, my wife never carries ID or keys. She is more than welcome to if she wants to, but since she goes out with me she doesn't need keys. She doesn't want to lug around a purse or wallet.

But, your wife still has access to her ID as it is in the house she currently resides in.

@NoMansLand2020 should probably contact his wife again and tell her he wants to hand over her ID and the kid's IDs. 

If she has decided to leave the marital home she probably needs it. 

@RO_AH I appreciate reading your perspective on the way your marriage is set up/what works for you and your wife. 

But, I'm thinking OP's wife wasn't happy with a similar set up. She might want a little more independence/freedom.

They should probably discuss their issues with a neutral third party. 

But, if they don't have the same vision for a good marriage... they'll need to start divorce proceedings and figure out custody of the baby on the way. 

[Ontarkie 14,304]

1 hour ago, RO_AH said:

I don't know, my wife never carries ID or keys. She is more than welcome to if she wants to, but since she goes out with me she doesn't need keys. She doesn't want to lug around a purse or wallet.

Unless I need them I leave them home too. 

[RO_AH 1,659]

31 minutes ago, ROK2USA said:

But, your wife still has access to her ID as it is in the house she currently resides in.

So did his wife.

32 minutes ago, ROK2USA said:

@NoMansLand2020 should probably contact his wife again and tell her he wants to hand over her ID and the kid's IDs. 

If she has decided to leave the marital home she probably needs it. 

She chose it, if she wants it she will ask, no need to chase her down. He should actually limit the contact as much as possible unless she contacts him first.

[MarJhi 963]

1 hour ago, RO_AH said:

So did his wife.

She chose it, if she wants it she will ask, no need to chase her down. He should actually limit the contact as much as possible unless she contacts him first.

How about he limit the contact after he gives her the basic necessities like ID? Seems like a reasonable thing to do. He already admitted to hitting her,  maybe she is afraid to go back there to get her stuff.

[RO_AH 1,659]

1 hour ago, MarJhi said:

How about he limit the contact after he gives her the basic necessities like ID? Seems like a reasonable thing to do. He already admitted to hitting her,  maybe she is afraid to go back there to get her stuff.

Like I said, whatever she wants she can ask for. Shes afraid to go get her stuff but she won't be afraid if he brings it to her? That makes zero sense. Still you are basing your thoughts off assumptions. Him hitting her (on the shoulder) to stop her from putting all of their lives at risk is hardly her being in an abusive relationship. Don't take this as me saying it was okay to hit her, I said in a previous post that he should have pulled over.

[MarJhi 963]

28 minutes ago, RO_AH said:

Like I said, whatever she wants she can ask for. Shes afraid to go get her stuff but she won't be afraid if he brings it to her? That makes zero sense. Still you are basing your thoughts off assumptions. Him hitting her (on the shoulder) to stop her from putting all of their lives at risk is hardly her being in an abusive relationship. Don't take this as me saying it was okay to hit her, I said in a previous post that he should have pulled over.

You are also basing it on one side of the story. He has admitted hitting her, you are assuming the part about what she did is true. Who said he needs to bring it to her? Can't that exchange be made through a third party? That would make more than "zero sense" right?

Edited May 23, 2022 by MarJhi

[Mike E 11,741]

On 5/21/2022 at 10:42 AM, marjandchri said:

You do have to be there for her to get her green card.  Just saying.

Not any more, since he admitted to two incidents of violence against her in writing. One incident which never happened and he inexplicably admitted to.  As others have written this is more than sufficient for a successful VAWA petition.  The wife knows it and it clearly being coached. Coached by friends OP wasn’t aware existed.  
 

I shared this thread with my wife who doesn’t have her own VJ account. Her take (as someone from another south east East Asian country) is that she is surprised how one sided the reactions are against OP, a man who was raising his wife’s children as his own and likely enabling a significantly better life than the 3 of them  had in the Philippines.  
 

My wife’s advice to OP’s wife would be to reconcile and be more appreciative.  
 

 My wife is worried most about the fate the 2 soon to be 3 kids, because if final outcome is divorce / permanent separation there is no way these kids aren’t going to be financially worse off relative to the status quo before OP’s wife left OP.  

My suggestions to OP:

 

* stop communicating with his wife over text or phone. In person only. If she persists in wanting to communicate, he can reply: “I am happy to talk to you in person at home. Let me know when you want to come over.”
 

* set a deadline for himself for his wife to come home, and if the deadline passes, file for divorce, withdraw the I-864, and if his child is born in the USA, pursue full custody.  

 

[Crazy Cat 41,982]

8 hours ago, RO_AH said:

I don't know, my wife never carries ID or keys. She is more than welcome to if she wants to, but since she goes out with me she doesn't need keys. She doesn't want to lug around a purse or wallet.

A Green Card holder is required, by law, to carry it. 

"Failing to have your green card with you is a misdemeanor and if you are found guilty you can be fined up to $100 and put in jail for up to 30 days."

https://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/do-i-really-need-carry-green-card-me.html

Edited May 23, 2022 by Crazy Cat

[MarJhi 963]

3 hours ago, Mike E said:

My suggestions to OP:

 

* stop communicating with his wife over text or phone. In person only. If she persists in wanting to communicate, he can reply: “I am happy to talk to you in person at home. Let me know when you want to come over.”

Maybe talking to her in a public setting would be better. If there is a domestic violence issue, whether it goes one way or both ways, I don't think she should go back into that house. I have no problem with phone calls, but I agree texting is an extremely bad idea. It's hard to gauge tone/attitude in written form, which we see here on VJ all of the time. 

[B_J 2,752]

44 minutes ago, MarJhi said:

Maybe talking to her in a public setting would be better. If there is a domestic violence issue, whether it goes one way or both ways, I don't think she should go back into that house. I have no problem with phone calls, but I agree texting is an extremely bad idea. It's hard to gauge tone/attitude in written form, which we see here on VJ all of the time. 

Good suggestion.  Meeting in public also protects him from false accusations.  Just in case.

[MarJhi 963]

18 minutes ago, B_J said:

Good suggestion.  Meeting in public also protects him from false accusations.  Just in case.

Yup, like I said, whether it goes one way or both ways. 

[Commish10 427]

On 5/20/2022 at 8:41 AM, B_J said:

First, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt that you don't view your wife as a commodity.  You're just in a really bad situation right now and it's going to take a lot of understanding on your part to fix things.

 

Something none of us seem to be prepared for is the, I guess, emotional and psychological issues involved with leaving everything in your world and moving here to be with someone.  My wife wasn't prepared for it and I wasn't prepared for how it would affect her. It is definitely a common issue that people face.  You're coming home to a wife that is probably depressed in a way that we can't understand.  It's not that she's immature, irresponsible, or lazy.  She is depressed and alone in a strange, new country.  When my wife first got here, she stayed home while I worked.  When I got home, even though I didn't want to do anything except sit down and relax, we made it a point to get in the car and just drive around some.  Get her out of the house and let her do something; anything.  And even with me doing that, she was still lonely and depressed all the time.  It wasn't until she started working and making her own friends that she started to get better.  

 

The fact that you hit her is an issue.  It doesn't matter how lightly you hit her, if her Filipina friend puts ideas in her head (VAWA), then you've got a real problem ahead of you.  Yes, she was wrong for covering your eyes while driving but this could still go very bad for you.

 

Also, leaving her alone while you went to the zoo was another huge mistake.  Don't call it some silly tampo fit.  I don't like tampo either, none of us do, but don't minimize her feelings in this.  A lot of what you write, you're belittling her, making her seem less than you, using words like silly and immature.  If you're able to talk to her again, you need to apologize and take full responsibility if you want to fix things.  Then start letting her be more involved in decision making, like with the finances.  This can be fixed but it will take lots of time and a huge amount of understanding on your part.

 

However, if she has VAWA plans, then you're in a really bad spot.

 

 

What is WAWA?

[Redro 4,611]

4 hours ago, Mike E said:

Not any more, since he admitted to two incidents of violence against her in writing. One incident which never happened and he inexplicably admitted to.  As others have written this is more than sufficient for a successful VAWA petition.  The wife knows it and it clearly being coached. Coached by friends OP wasn’t aware existed.  
 

I shared this thread with my wife who doesn’t have her own VJ account. Her take (as someone from another south east East Asian country) is that she is surprised how one sided the reactions are against OP, a man who was raising his wife’s children as his own and likely enabling a significantly better life than the 3 of them  had in the Philippines.  
 

My wife’s advice to OP’s wife would be to reconcile and be more appreciative.  
 

 My wife is worried most about the fate the 2 soon to be 3 kids, because if final outcome is divorce / permanent separation there is no way these kids aren’t going to be financially worse off relative to the status quo before OP’s wife left OP.  

My suggestions to OP:

 

* stop communicating with his wife over text or phone. In person only. If she persists in wanting to communicate, he can reply: “I am happy to talk to you in person at home. Let me know when you want to come over.”
 

* set a deadline for himself for his wife to come home, and if the deadline passes, file for divorce, withdraw the I-864, and if his child is born in the USA, pursue full custody.  

 

I think we all agree both OP and his wife are not perfect...

But, maybe we're trying to show OP how his behavior can be used against him... 

My husband has said his action is not abuse as she nearly caused an accident but he also realizes she can use his actions against him...