Newly married and already issues

[Ontarkie 14,218]

You admitted in text you hit her. She is setting you up. Get a lawyer now, she has no plans on going back to you. She needs a good VAWA case and she's getting it. 

 

Just to add her grabbing your face to cover your eyes was intentional. She knew darn well you could get into an accident and what your temper is like. She got the reaction out of you she wanted. 

[Family 3,988]

1 hour ago, NoMansLand2020 said:

She said she would forgive me if I acknowledged that I hit her other arm which I did and said again there was no excuse for my actions. And that as mentioned above it wouldn't happen again and that I would go to counseling. 

 

She asked how could she know it wouldn't happen again. I responded that I knew that I would lose the most important thing in my life which was my her and the kids. She didn't respond to that.  But responded this morning that she has decided to get a separation and that I need to turn on her debit card so she can pay rent and food. 

 

I have yet to respond to this request. I think we both need to sit down and talk about things. Especially with the kids and baby on the way. Text messages don't resolve issues. 

And that my friend is how you “ document “ abuse : texting both you and your mom for admission of you hitting, needing anger management , promises of being better. I am assuming here that you HAVE NOT HIT her before or engaged in abusive behavior.
 

THIS was by no means a communication between two people who love each other “ trying to work it out or resolve anything “.
 I strongly recommend you stop texting/ calling her…because it could lead to her filing for a DV TRO ( domestic violence Temporary restraining order)…she has enough evidence from your own texts to get a temporary grant…and unless you show up in Court to fight the TRO , it could result in a 3 year order with her filing for divorce on same grounds …and a much costlier legal battle for you. 
 

STOP texting/ calling . Get divorce attorney …but even if you go at it alone, in case you get served for a TRO, do go to court and put up a defense …if that is the only incident of physical violence ( her hands on your face while driving and your reaction) you will be able to overcome..if you prepare.

 

She also has enough to file for VAWA and get her and the kids green card INDEPENDENT of you..( she does not need to pay any immigration fees) .
 

She indicated she wants “ separation “  and has already “ RENTED “ accommodations …..which should be sufficient for you to understand you need a divorce, she WANTS a divorce and your immediate steps should be getting a divorce attorney and face the reality.

At this juncture , it will cost you less to divorce than continue….both emotionally and financially….and again, I recommended you STOP all communication directly, use the attorney OR a trusted person as a mediator for anything she wants to communicate.
 

 

So please understand, pulling the I-864 because marriage is no longer viable, does not mean you are shipping her back home or abandoning her…but at this point all you have is a TWO month marriage to deal with and the possibility of raising only ONE child through shared custody…with each parent taking on 50% of the child support costs. …

 

I happen to be a woman, and in no way condone abuse/ violence…and for over a decade helped victims of dv 
 

 

 

 

[Villanelle 4,122]

1 hour ago, NoMansLand2020 said:

She feels some trust with my mother. And has opened up to her on several occasions. She told my mother yesterday that she would try to give me a second chance, but if I hit her again it would be over. 

 

I messaged my wife bcak in regards to her debit card being blocked. That we had no idea where or who she was with and that I did not want her to be taken advantage of. I told her that I was in the wrong for hitting her. That there should never be a reason to hit anyone and that it wouldn't happen again. I told her that I would immediately enroll in an anger management program so that I could learn how to deal with my frustrations in a controlled manner. 

 

She said she would forgive me if I acknowledged that I hit her other arm which I did and said again there was no excuse for my actions. And that as mentioned above it wouldn't happen again and that I would go to counseling. 

 

She asked how could she know it wouldn't happen again. I responded that I knew that I would lose the most important thing in my life which was my her and the kids. She didn't respond to that.  But responded this morning that she has decided to get a separation and that I need to turn on her debit card so she can pay rent and food as per her, I am responsible for that. 

 

I have yet to respond to this request. I think we both need to sit down and talk about things. Especially with the kids and baby on the way. Text messages don't resolve issues. 

Oh my.

 

I am going to strongly advise you to stop what you are doing for a moment and take a step back from the situation.

 

Now I don't want to make assumptions and try to avoid stereotypes but feel it's important to recognize that there is a lot and I mean a lot of misinformation in the Filipino community about divorce/abuse/visas. Perhaps you have seen another active thread on VJ this week about how ones wife keeps threatening to go to a shelter.  

 

Some of this can be attributed to the CFO seminar and some is just fueled by gossip and misinformation. 

 

But for whatever reason women from that region will encourage others to pursue VAWA regardless if its necessary or warranted. 

 

Now to be clear your wife 100% qualities for VAWA.  Not sure if you understand what that means or why so I will explain it to you briefly here.

 

You guys are married.  You filed for AOS but she doesn't have the card yet. You hit her. Again YOU HIT HER. Doesn't matter that it was just one incident. One act of physical violence is enough to qualify and be approved for a GC through VAWA.  

 

You admitted to hitting her.  Some would say you conveniently admitted so when you were under the impression you guys were reconciling only to be told after the admission that she will be separating. 

 

Now to me it appears she is intentionally laying out her VAWA case. Nothing wrong with that. As I said she has a valid case. 

 

What you should be concerned about is the general misinformation I discussed above. Many people don't realize they have a valid case and are encouraged by others to strengthen their case by filing police reports or staging false claims of violence. 

 

Typically I would advise you right now to never be alone with her but also understand if you were to take that approach the marriage is 100% over and it's not completely clear that she is intending on filing VAWA and feels the same although all signs point to such.

 

So I would advise you to be completely honest and straightforward with her. Acknowledge that she has a valid VAWA case and ask her if she is going to pursue it or if she can excuse your one transgression (which was completely unacceptable) and attempt to save the marriage by returning home and attending couples therapy as well as you obtaining therapy on your own.

 

Be aware though if you do attempt reconciling and it doesn't work out you very well may end up arrested for a DV charge. You still may be charged actually if she decides to take your messages to the police along with pictures of her injuries but typically police don't like to file charges like that after the fact as evidences can be faked or altered. Which is why misinformation may encourage her to return home and call the police for a valid report. 

 

You also may be getting a restraining order served to you next week... In which case it should be clear the marriage is over and she is pursuing VAWA. 

 

As for all your ranting about who will pay for such-and-such, there are tons of programs and resources for victims of violence.  She will have no problem finding an attorney and will be able to get various assistance for medical and other social services. 

 

If she does file for VAWA then you are off the hook for the 864 you signed for her and her children. But you will still be responsible for your child once born. A divorce court may also be harder on you then a normal divorce case might be as courts do not like abuse and often will punish the abuser.  Which as hard as it may be to accept you are the abuser. You need to take responsibility for such and accept all the consequences. 

 

I would suggest an attitude adjustment is needed here. Right now you are all ' Im not paying for that'  Really?!  How about taking responsibility for what you did. Why shouldn't there be consequences? What does your mother think of your behavior? What would your employer think? 

 

You need to prepare yourself for the consequences of your actions as well as ensure you protect yourself from this snowballing into something larger.

 

 

 

[Adventine 3,196]

If I have understood OP's latest post right, in reality, he hit her only once, but she got him to say through text that he hit her twice (the bit about the other arm). 

 

If this is correct, the wife has no intentions of reconciling and is definitely building a VAWA case against him.

 

Edited to add: she already had a solid domestic violence case to begin with. He hit her while she is pregnant with their child. No court is going to look kindly on that.

 

I feel sorry for the kids.

 

Edited May 21, 2022 by Adventine

[marjandchri 22]

On 5/19/2022 at 9:02 PM, NoMansLand2020 said:

I got married to my Filipina roughly two months ago and we are already having issues. I know no marriage is perfect and all relationships require constant work. But I'm at the end of my rope and need some help. 

 

I'm 41 and she's 27. Neither of us have been married previously, but she has two young children who believe I'm their real dad. We are very attracted to each other. She's currently 6 weeks pregnant. 

 

She's a bit immature in my opinion. I currently work full time while she stays at home. Many times, she spends all day on her phone or watching TV rather than helping with household chores. I come home from work frequently to the house messy. Food from breakfast and lunch and dirty dishes all over the place. Sometimes she will do laundry and then leave the clean clothes in the basket for days staying wrinkled.  

 

We seem to argue a ton about money. I am a very frugal person and this immigration process and the wedding cost me a ton of money. I'm still young and trying to save for retirement, keep a budget and provide for my family at the same time. Her idea is that I provide even if I have to take out loans to buy things she thinks we need but are more wants than anything else. 

 

Anyhow, yesterday we took the kids to their biometric appointment as part of the AOS process. Afterwards we were going to take the kids to the local zoo. On the way, as I was driving through busy afternoon traffic, she was teasing me and pulled on my face and nose covering my eyes so I couldn't see the road. I nearly caused an accident because of it and got upset. So I hit her in the shoulder to get her attention. I don't think I hit her very hard, but according to her it caused bruising. 

 

We got to the zoo and she was obviously upset and crying. I tried to get her to talk, but she just pushed me away and told me she wasn't going with us. She ended up staying with the car while I took the two kids. We came back two hours later and she's vanished. She wouldn't answer phone calls, or messages for hours. I had no idea where she, so we just waited and waited. She responded to messages, but it's vague responses not to worry about her, that I don't care about her and that she doesn't love me anymore. She says she's with friends. Yet, I wasn't sure and didn't want to leave her. 

 

So we ended up waiting 9 hours and she never shows up. So I end up driving an hour back home with the kids and no wife and no answers really as to where she is. 

 

Today she messages me while I am at work and asks me to bring the kids back to where we were the previous day. She's obviously still upset by the way she's responding and very vague answers. I drove the kids an hour back and we wait almost 90 min for her to show with a Filipina friend that I don't know. Anyway, my wife is not making any visual contact. Keeps her back to me the entire time I am helping the kids into their car seats and handing over some clothing to her friend. 

 

I don't know what I'm supposed to do at this point. I'm upset because my kids are gone and they are upset that daddy is gone. They were pulled out of school a week before their last day. The youngest is supposed to graduate kindergarten on Tuesday. I have all their stuff at the house. Clothes, toys, identification including passports.  With my wife being pregnant, she has upcoming prenatal appointments to be to and I'm concerned about her and the kids getting the care they need. Especially now that she has no money, nor insurance information on her. 

 

Is this just some silly tampo fit and she will realize the predicament she's put herself and the kids in? 

 

 

 

 

You do have to be there for her to get her green card.  Just saying.

[Family 3,988]

8 minutes ago, Adventine said:

 

Edited to add: she already had a solid domestic violence case to begin with. He hit her while she is pregnant with their child. No court is going to look kindly on that.

 

I feel sorry for the kids.

She strictly “ communicated” by texts only and by virtue of those texts she has established the VAWA ( no longer  needs a police report, TRO or even a psychological evaluation ..and would even be admitted/ housed in a DV Shelter )….

 

BUT it will NOT hold up in court for a DV if incident is as described and he puts up a defense. .. “ only incident, reaction to unsafe driving conditions, her reckless behavior of hands on face, mom, family and other friends testimonies of his previous behavior w her and children, lack of threats “ and ultimately there is an actual LIST of DV standards  when they hold a hearing ( after the temporary grant) whereby one’s life and safety is in jeopardy…nothing described rises to that level. 

The temporary TRO is granted very very quickly and liberally  ( and rightfully so ) but at the hearing both parties are given a chance to argue and prove their case. 
 

 

[Adventine 3,196]

@Family got it, thank you for clarifying.

[Crazy Cat 41,834]

1 hour ago, Family said:

She strictly “ communicated” by texts only and by virtue of those texts she has established the VAWA

Yes.  This is a strategic move.....she is executing a well-developed plan.....but she has a valid case.  She doesn't need much more.

Edited May 21, 2022 by Crazy Cat

[RO_AH 1,659]

4 hours ago, NoMansLand2020 said:

I have yet to respond to this request. I think we both need to sit down and talk about things. Especially with the kids and baby on the way. Text messages don't resolve issues. 

You need to have divorce papers drawn up. You should stop communicating through text. Understand that she is being advised. You may have good intentions to try to fix things. But it seems like she does not.

[B_J 2,752]

You have to pay attention to everything people are telling you in these latest replies. Everything about this has changed.  As they have pointed out, you have now admitted to being abusive and that you  need to go to counseling for your anger issues.  If you are putting this in a text, you are giving her documentation of these things.  You also have no idea who is sitting next to her telling her what to say. 

 

Right now, even if you have the best of intentions,  and even if we're all wrong about what's going on,  you need to protect yourself. Do not text her and some will probably say not to meet in person without a third person that you trust. You have to protect yourself. 

 

[NoMansLand2020 298]

3 minutes ago, RO_AH said:

You need to have divorce papers drawn up. You should stop communicating through text. Understand that she is being advised. You may have good intentions to try to fix things. But it seems like she does not.

I'll buy tickets back to the Philippines for all three of them. 

[Carpe Vinum 2,327]

1 minute ago, NoMansLand2020 said:

I'll buy tickets back to the Philippines for all three of them. 

You may not get that option if she is preparing for a VAWA claim.

[NoMansLand2020 298]

3 minutes ago, B_J said:

You have to pay attention to everything people are telling you in these latest replies. Everything about this has changed.  As they have pointed out, you have now admitted to being abusive and that you  need to go to counseling for your anger issues.  If you are putting this in a text, you are giving her documentation of these things.  You also have no idea who is sitting next to her telling her what to say. 

 

Right now, even if you have the best of intentions,  and even if we're all wrong about what's going on,  you need to protect yourself. Do not text her and some will probably say not to meet in person without a third person that you trust. You have to protect yourself. 

 

Pushing her away or hitting her so she will get off me so I can drive safely is not abuse. 

[B_J 2,752]

1 minute ago, NoMansLand2020 said:

I'll buy tickets back to the Philippines for all three of them. 

This situation is not in your control and that is not where this is headed. We all hope we're wrong but this is going to be settled in the US legal system, it's a competition between the two of you,  and she's got a head start. 

[Crazy Cat 41,834]

5 minutes ago, NoMansLand2020 said:

I'll buy tickets back to the Philippines for all three of them. 

Good luck with that.  I doubt it will be that simple.  After all, she and her children gave up everything to join you in the US.  

Edited May 21, 2022 by Crazy Cat