Newly married and already issues

[NoMansLand2020 298]

I got married to my Filipina roughly two months ago and we are already having issues. I know no marriage is perfect and all relationships require constant work. But I'm at the end of my rope and need some help. 

 

I'm 41 and she's 27. Neither of us have been married previously, but she has two young children who believe I'm their real dad. We are very attracted to each other. She's currently 6 weeks pregnant. 

 

She's a bit immature in my opinion. I currently work full time while she stays at home. Many times, she spends all day on her phone or watching TV rather than helping with household chores. I come home from work frequently to the house messy. Food from breakfast and lunch and dirty dishes all over the place. Sometimes she will do laundry and then leave the clean clothes in the basket for days staying wrinkled.  

 

We seem to argue a ton about money. I am a very frugal person and this immigration process and the wedding cost me a ton of money. I'm still young and trying to save for retirement, keep a budget and provide for my family at the same time. Her idea is that I provide even if I have to take out loans to buy things she thinks we need but are more wants than anything else. 

 

Anyhow, yesterday we took the kids to their biometric appointment as part of the AOS process. Afterwards we were going to take the kids to the local zoo. On the way, as I was driving through busy afternoon traffic, she was teasing me and pulled on my face and nose covering my eyes so I couldn't see the road. I nearly caused an accident because of it and got upset. So I hit her in the shoulder to get her attention. I don't think I hit her very hard, but according to her it caused bruising. 

 

We got to the zoo and she was obviously upset and crying. I tried to get her to talk, but she just pushed me away and told me she wasn't going with us. She ended up staying with the car while I took the two kids. We came back two hours later and she's vanished. She wouldn't answer phone calls, or messages for hours. I had no idea where she, so we just waited and waited. She responded to messages, but it's vague responses not to worry about her, that I don't care about her and that she doesn't love me anymore. She says she's with friends. Yet, I wasn't sure and didn't want to leave her. 

 

So we ended up waiting 9 hours and she never shows up. So I end up driving an hour back home with the kids and no wife and no answers really as to where she is. 

 

Today she messages me while I am at work and asks me to bring the kids back to where we were the previous day. She's obviously still upset by the way she's responding and very vague answers. I drove the kids an hour back and we wait almost 90 min for her to show with a Filipina friend that I don't know. Anyway, my wife is not making any visual contact. Keeps her back to me the entire time I am helping the kids into their car seats and handing over some clothing to her friend. 

 

I don't know what I'm supposed to do at this point. I'm upset because my kids are gone and they are upset that daddy is gone. They were pulled out of school a week before their last day. The youngest is supposed to graduate kindergarten on Tuesday. I have all their stuff at the house. Clothes, toys, identification including passports.  With my wife being pregnant, she has upcoming prenatal appointments to be to and I'm concerned about her and the kids getting the care they need. Especially now that she has no money, nor insurance information on her. 

 

Is this just some silly tampo fit and she will realize the predicament she's put herself and the kids in? 

 

 

 

 

Edited May 20, 2022 by NoMansLand2020

[NoMansLand2020 298]

I mistyped paragraph 2. I meant to say that the kids and I very attached to each other. I typed "attracted" by mistake. 

[Verrou 1,962]

Don’t think it’s a immigration question ? Guess you have to have discussion with your wife about this 

[SalishSea 17,970]

Honestly, sounds like you think of her as a commodity that you are now displeased with.   You feel you didn’t get your money’s worth.

 

We reap what we sow.

[Boiler 45,730]

VAWA by the sounds of it

[Gee2021 44]

2 hours ago, NoMansLand2020 said:

I got married to my Filipina roughly two months ago and we are already having issues. I know no marriage is perfect and all relationships require constant work. But I'm at the end of my rope and need some help. 

 

I'm 41 and she's 27. Neither of us have been married previously, but she has two young children who believe I'm their real dad. We are very attracted to each other. She's currently 6 weeks pregnant. 

 

She's a bit immature in my opinion. I currently work full time while she stays at home. Many times, she spends all day on her phone or watching TV rather than helping with household chores. I come home from work frequently to the house messy. Food from breakfast and lunch and dirty dishes all over the place. Sometimes she will do laundry and then leave the clean clothes in the basket for days staying wrinkled.  

 

We seem to argue a ton about money. I am a very frugal person and this immigration process and the wedding cost me a ton of money. I'm still young and trying to save for retirement, keep a budget and provide for my family at the same time. Her idea is that I provide even if I have to take out loans to buy things she thinks we need but are more wants than anything else. 

 

Anyhow, yesterday we took the kids to their biometric appointment as part of the AOS process. Afterwards we were going to take the kids to the local zoo. On the way, as I was driving through busy afternoon traffic, she was teasing me and pulled on my face and nose covering my eyes so I couldn't see the road. I nearly caused an accident because of it and got upset. So I hit her in the shoulder to get her attention. I don't think I hit her very hard, but according to her it caused bruising. 

 

We got to the zoo and she was obviously upset and crying. I tried to get her to talk, but she just pushed me away and told me she wasn't going with us. She ended up staying with the car while I took the two kids. We came back two hours later and she's vanished. She wouldn't answer phone calls, or messages for hours. I had no idea where she, so we just waited and waited. She responded to messages, but it's vague responses not to worry about her, that I don't care about her and that she doesn't love me anymore. She says she's with friends. Yet, I wasn't sure and didn't want to leave her. 

 

So we ended up waiting 9 hours and she never shows up. So I end up driving an hour back home with the kids and no wife and no answers really as to where she is. 

 

Today she messages me while I am at work and asks me to bring the kids back to where we were the previous day. She's obviously still upset by the way she's responding and very vague answers. I drove the kids an hour back and we wait almost 90 min for her to show with a Filipina friend that I don't know. Anyway, my wife is not making any visual contact. Keeps her back to me the entire time I am helping the kids into their car seats and handing over some clothing to her friend. 

 

I don't know what I'm supposed to do at this point. I'm upset because my kids are gone and they are upset that daddy is gone. They were pulled out of school a week before their last day. The youngest is supposed to graduate kindergarten on Tuesday. I have all their stuff at the house. Clothes, toys, identification including passports.  With my wife being pregnant, she has upcoming prenatal appointments to be to and I'm concerned about her and the kids getting the care they need. Especially now that she has no money, nor insurance information on her. 

 

Is this just some silly tampo fit and she will realize the predicament she's put herself and the kids in? 

 

 

 

 

I'm filipina and I'm married to a white guy. I would say a lot of it is culture difference, sometimes I get super annoyed with my husband or vice versa but it's just that we were brought up differently. But given your situation I think it's something that you guys really need to talk about. Marriage is definitely alot of work but it needs two to tango. Goodluck! 

Edited May 20, 2022 by Gee2021

[PaulaCJohnny 713]

You are 41 and married with a 27 from a cultural background completely different from yours.

 

There is a lot of things to work on it there but is definitely not an immigration issue. 

IMO you need to learn more about her an maybe communicate better. 

Did you ever moved to another country before? Is a biiig and overwhelming situation that each person deal in a different way.
 

When I moved to here I was soooo depressed that my only scape was speaking with my friends on my phone because my husband was out all day. If you don’t take the time to speak with her to try to understand instead of just complaining I don’t think that you will find the solution alone.

 

 

 

Edited May 20, 2022 by PaulaCJohnny

[Gee2021 44]

4 minutes ago, PaulaCJohnny said:

You are 41 and married with a 27 from a cultural background completely different from yours.

 

There is a lot of things to work on it there but is definitely not an immigration issue. 

IMO you need to learn more about her an maybe communicate better. 

Did you ever moved to another country before? Is a biiig and overwhelming situation that each person deal in a different way.
 

When I moved to here I was soooo depressed that my only scape was speaking with my friends on my phone because my husband was out all day. If you don’t take the time to speak with her to try to understand instead of just complaining I don’t think that you will find the solution alone.

 

 

 

Oh yeah I couldn't agree more. As an immigrant the feeling of loneliness is so depressing when I got here in the us. Because I was so lonely I developed eating disorder and I literally tried to kill myself twice because I was so depressed. I have problems with my husband, adjusting to the food, culture, language and everything and it was soooo overwhelming. Looking back I'm glad I overcame that lonely phase. It will take time to adjust here and it would be super helpful to have an understanding and supportive partner! 

[Redro 4,611]

4 hours ago, NoMansLand2020 said:

I got married to my Filipina roughly two months ago and we are already having issues. I know no marriage is perfect and all relationships require constant work. But I'm at the end of my rope and need some help. 

 

I'm 41 and she's 27. Neither of us have been married previously, but she has two young children who believe I'm their real dad. We are very attracted to each other. She's currently 6 weeks pregnant.  Unfortunately attraction alone isn't enough to make a relationship work. 

 

She's a bit immature in my opinion. I currently work full time while she stays at home. Many times, she spends all day on her phone or watching TV rather than helping with household chores. I come home from work frequently to the house messy. Food from breakfast and lunch and dirty dishes all over the place. Sometimes she will do laundry and then leave the clean clothes in the basket for days staying wrinkled.   How do you react when you come home to a messy house? Do you yell? Express disappointment? Tell her she is immature? Did you discuss this before she moved to the US. Was she aware she was expected to do the majority of the housework after she moved in?

Are you taking into account she 1.) Just moved to a new country- I'm always a bit useless the first week or two after I fly. Jetlag is the WORST. and 2.) Is now pregnant so she might be feeling out of sorts? 

 

We seem to argue a ton about money. I am a very frugal person and this immigration process and the wedding cost me a ton of money. I'm still young and trying to save for retirement, keep a budget and provide for my family at the same time. Her idea is that I provide even if I have to take out loans to buy things she thinks we need but are more wants than anything else.  Did you discuss finances before she moved to the US? What was your budget like when you saw her in the Philippines. Were you paying for things you can't afford now in the US? Is the lifestyle you had when on vacation different to the one you expect to live now? 

 

Anyhow, yesterday we took the kids to their biometric appointment as part of the AOS process. Afterwards we were going to take the kids to the local zoo. On the way, as I was driving through busy afternoon traffic, she was teasing me and pulled on my face and nose covering my eyes so I couldn't see the road. I nearly caused an accident because of it and got upset.  That is concerning behaviour from her. So I hit her in the shoulder to get her attention.  Why would you hit someone to get their attention while you were driving? I don't think I hit her very hard,  Sometimes men don't know their own strength. You might think it wasn't that hard... but according to her it caused bruising. Sometimes people bruise easily. My husband will bruise if he hits his shin on a chair. He'll get a bruise from someone grabbing his arm in basketball. Not sure if your partner bruises easily but you should always apologize and realize you've done something wrong. 

 

We got to the zoo and she was obviously upset and crying. I tried to get her to talk, but she just pushed me away and told me she wasn't going with us.  She ended up staying with the car while I took the two kids. We came back two hours later and she's vanished.  Why would you leave your wife after having a near accident, having an argument/ disagreement/ physical altercation? Why would you leave her when she was upset and crying?You should have gone straight home. Rescheduled the zoo trip.  She wouldn't answer phone calls, or messages for hours. I had no idea where she, so we just waited and waited. She responded to messages, but it's vague responses not to worry about her, that I don't care about her and that she doesn't love me anymore. She says she's with friends. Yet, I wasn't sure and didn't want to leave her. But, you did leave her... 

 

So we ended up waiting 9 hours and she never shows up. So I end up driving an hour back home with the kids and no wife and no answers really as to where she is. 

 

Today she messages me while I am at work and asks me to bring the kids back to where we were the previous day. She's obviously still upset by the way she's responding and very vague answers. I drove the kids an hour back and we wait almost 90 min for her to show with a Filipina friend that I don't know. Anyway, my wife is not making any visual contact. Keeps her back to me the entire time I am helping the kids into their car seats and handing over some clothing to her friend. 

 

I don't know what I'm supposed to do at this point. I'm upset because my kids are gone and they are upset that daddy is gone. They were pulled out of school a week before their last day. The youngest is supposed to graduate kindergarten on Tuesday. I have all their stuff at the house. Clothes, toys, identification including passports.  With my wife being pregnant, she has upcoming prenatal appointments to be to and I'm concerned about her and the kids getting the care they need. Especially now that she has no money, nor insurance information on her. 

 

Is this just some silly tampo fit and she will realize the predicament she's put herself and the kids in? In my mind, The situation could be interpreted in this way:

Your wife has removed herself from a potentially abusive situation. Discord in a marriage after two months that has now escalated to physical violence and a bruise. 

 

You need to give your wife space.

I'm not sure how long you spent with her before and what the relationship looked like while you were dating. 

But, if she chooses to return to the home. You need to apologize for hurting her and then leaving her in the car. 

And then try to have a discussion about expectations in the marriage. 

Did you both agree she would be a housewife when she arrived? 

Did you both agree to having a child so soon after she arrived?

I'm thinking your wife might be going through a lot of stressful changes. 

Her major misstep was covering your eyes while you were driving. I'll give you that. 

But, your account of the first 2 months sounds like you both entered the marriage with wildly different expectations and neither of you currently have the tools to reset expectations and come to a compromise. 

Edited May 20, 2022 by ROK2USA

[Dashinka 24,635]

3 hours ago, Jorgedig said:

Honestly, sounds like you think of her as a commodity that you are now displeased with.   You feel you didn’t get your money’s worth.

 

We reap what we sow.

Saw the “my Filipina” reference and thought the same thing.

 

To the OP, marriage is a two way street, and having a spouse from a different culture that picked up their life and moved to another country adds more challenges.  I would suggest marriage counseling at this point, as well as more education along cultural differences.

 

Good Luck!

[Crazy Cat 41,982]

8 hours ago, NoMansLand2020 said:

I got married to my Filipina roughly two months ago and we are already having issues.

That is an odd way to describe a spouse, imo.  

[NoMansLand2020 298]

5 hours ago, ROK2USA said:

You need to give your wife space.

I'm not sure how long you spent with her before and what the relationship looked like while you were dating. 

But, if she chooses to return to the home. You need to apologize for hurting her and then leaving her in the car. 

And then try to have a discussion about expectations in the marriage. 

Did you both agree she would be a housewife when she arrived? 

Did you both agree to having a child so soon after she arrived?

I'm thinking your wife might be going through a lot of stressful changes. 

Her major misstep was covering your eyes while you were driving. I'll give you that. 

But, your account of the first 2 months sounds like you both entered the marriage with wildly different expectations and neither of you currently have the tools to reset expectations and come to a compromise. 

We were together for about 2.5 years prior to getting married. Granted, most of our relationship was online because of the pandemic. I visited the Philippines twice before they locked down. 

 

I only left her in the car so she could cool down and have space. She knew where I was and had a phone so she could call. I didn't run off with zero explanation as to where I was going or when I would be back. She abandoned her own children for nearly 24 hours. They were scared and had no idea what was happening. 

 

Yes, we agreed to having children as soon as possible. She wanted to finish having kids so she could start her career. 

 

Sure, she could probably chose to leave, but she would be in a world of hurt. Who is going to be providing for her and the kids? She's in need of prenatal care and other medical care for the kids. How can she take care of that? 

[B_J 2,752]

First, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt that you don't view your wife as a commodity.  You're just in a really bad situation right now and it's going to take a lot of understanding on your part to fix things.

 

Something none of us seem to be prepared for is the, I guess, emotional and psychological issues involved with leaving everything in your world and moving here to be with someone.  My wife wasn't prepared for it and I wasn't prepared for how it would affect her. It is definitely a common issue that people face.  You're coming home to a wife that is probably depressed in a way that we can't understand.  It's not that she's immature, irresponsible, or lazy.  She is depressed and alone in a strange, new country.  When my wife first got here, she stayed home while I worked.  When I got home, even though I didn't want to do anything except sit down and relax, we made it a point to get in the car and just drive around some.  Get her out of the house and let her do something; anything.  And even with me doing that, she was still lonely and depressed all the time.  It wasn't until she started working and making her own friends that she started to get better.  

 

The fact that you hit her is an issue.  It doesn't matter how lightly you hit her, if her Filipina friend puts ideas in her head (VAWA), then you've got a real problem ahead of you.  Yes, she was wrong for covering your eyes while driving but this could still go very bad for you.

 

Also, leaving her alone while you went to the zoo was another huge mistake.  Don't call it some silly tampo fit.  I don't like tampo either, none of us do, but don't minimize her feelings in this.  A lot of what you write, you're belittling her, making her seem less than you, using words like silly and immature.  If you're able to talk to her again, you need to apologize and take full responsibility if you want to fix things.  Then start letting her be more involved in decision making, like with the finances.  This can be fixed but it will take lots of time and a huge amount of understanding on your part.

 

However, if she has VAWA plans, then you're in a really bad spot.

 

 

[Crazy Cat 41,982]

5 minutes ago, NoMansLand2020 said:

Who is going to be providing for her and the kids?

You will.

[Redro 4,611]

13 minutes ago, NoMansLand2020 said:

We were together for about 2.5 years prior to getting married. Granted, most of our relationship was online because of the pandemic. I visited the Philippines twice before they locked down. 

 

I only left her in the car so she could cool down and have space. She knew where I was and had a phone so she could call. I didn't run off with zero explanation as to where I was going or when I would be back. She abandoned her own children for nearly 24 hours. They were scared and had no idea what was happening. 

 

Yes, we agreed to having children as soon as possible. She wanted to finish having kids so she could start her career. 

 

Sure, she could probably chose to leave, but she would be in a world of hurt. Who is going to be providing for her and the kids? She's in need of prenatal care and other medical care for the kids. How can she take care of that? 

Did you discuss housework and budget? 

 

My husband and I have spoke extensively about our future life in the US.

Our life here in Korea is amazing compared to the life we are moving to and he has prepared me for that reality since the day we got married. 

I speak as the eventual immigrant who has never lived in the US. Every time I talk about buying a house in a certain price range or going to Trader Joes and Whole Foods every day he brings me back to reality by talking about where we will  live and discretionary spending money. 

His family has pulled me up on my ideas about budget and what is "normal"... his dad teased me about having domestic help. 

If no one has realized from my numerous postings... my husband is ACE/💯 and has not sold me on the America dream.

 

ETA: It is up to the US citizen to educate the foreign national about the reality of the city they are moving to... 

 

Edited May 20, 2022 by ROK2USA