In-Laws

[chispas 0]

I keep my own family at a safe distance so we can have our time to get to know each other. If I had my family around often, that would cause trouble as they would be quite critical. I guess I took on that role to be the midperson.

[rebeccajo 14]

Dang, some of you have been 'blessed' with some nasty in-laws!! The only thing I would offer up is that if they treat you that way, they probably would have treated whomever their child married the same.

My ex mother-in-law is domineering, cold and empty. She was repeatedly rude to me through the years. Her coldness extended on down to my son, who's birthday she used to 'forget' and now completely ignores since the divorce. She has two ex daughters-in-law (I'm one obviously) and neither of us even exist as far as she is concerned, even though we are the mothers of three of her grandchildren.

Nasty is nasty. Rude is rude. I doubt very much, Kezzie and others, that it's personal towards you. They're just miserable women.

Wes' mother and father are long gone. I hate the fact that I never will have the chance to have the healthy and good 'in-law' relationship that a lot of married women get.

Edited April 4, 2006 by rebeccajo

[Dixie_Peach 1]

Well Chris is going out to play a gig tonight, but just a minute ago his mother rang to invite us out to dinner. I didn't want to go without him, because as sweet as my MIL and FIL are, they're pretty hard work. So I made an excuse and I'm staying home tonight.

My husband tells me that I should be more tolerant and willing to spend time with his family (his mother in particular), because it would mean "so much" to them (he's an only child who married for the first time later at 35). I come from a very close nuclear family, but not close at all to the extended family - on either side. I gather that "family" is a big deal here in the US; certainly more than I'm used to, and I can deal with that. But the flip side is that Chris speaks to his parents really infrequently, although they live less than 5 miles away. I probably speak to mine five or six times for every once he speaks to his. So I think it's a little unfair for him to start pushing family demands and obligations on me when he's not even that keen to see them himself.

I don't know if I'm being unfair or unrealistic, but it bugs me hugely.

How do things work in your families? Is extended family a big deal? What about immediate family? How do you deal with you in-laws if you're the foreigner, or how does your SO deal if you're the USC? I'm just interested to see how it is for other people.

i personally think it is a little unfair for him to expect you to spend more time with his family than he does... not sure what your husband is thinking. i think that a relationship with in-laws develops over time... doesn't always happen immediately.

when i was in morocco, jamal's family was so loving and warm... and they made me feel genuinely loved. so, i feel that future relations with them will be just as good.

alas, when jamal gets here tho... my mom and dad are both passed away... so he will only deal with my brothers and sisters... hehe... can't wait to see what happens there! my brothers are over-protective of me (not that jamal has or would give them any reason to have to act on that...), and my oldest sister is the mother-hen... it will be interesting to see how he interacts with my family.

wishing you the best!

lynne

we go see hubby's mom every weekend.. she is in the hospital right now, as been for the last 4 months... I usually spend more time with her then hubby does... he usually goes outside to talk with his dad or do other stuff...

I don't mind hanging out with his mom but it kind of annoys me that he is the one that wants to go see his mom every weekend but then doesn't spend more then 30 minutes with her and I spend almost 2 hours with her sometimes

marilyn... *hugs*... i sooooooooo much understand that statement. i think guys feel uncomfortable seeing someone that they love in a weakened state... they don't know how to handle it... so, they distance themselves from it in different ways... so, your husband is THERE at the hospital showing love and support... but, he can't or doesn't allow himself to nurture... even tho i am sure that he wants too... my brothers are kinda like that...

Having said all that, my husband and I have a big challenge coming up that is drawing me to his family more than ever. He will be going in for major surgery on Apr 14. His colon and rectum will be removed and he will lose his job. His Crohn's disease has hit the very-severe stage. His condition has not improved with any of the drugs. We are all very concerned for his physical welfare and totally focused on his needs. During this period, I have been appreciating his family more and more, and I am especially glad his mother is a great problem solver.

Elen... *hugs*

I will be praying for you and your hubby... Thank God you have a strong support with his family. Keep us posted to his progress.

Your friend

Lynne

First time I spoke to my MIL she had me in tears within 5 mins.... she accused me of only wanting to marry her son to get a Greencard.... she also informed me that I would never benefit from their money....

My Husband does not work because of a disability so I have to work to pay our rent and bills... even now she makes me feel like the poor relative... when she invites us to go out for dinner and then will say "Oh you cant afford to eat there.. Sorry"

I try to be friendly to her but well I just dont fit in her social circle...

Kezzie

Kezzie... that is cold, heartless and cruel of your MIL to even say that to you! Sorry that you have to even associate with that disgusting behavior! *hugs* Not that you have anything to prove to anyone... but, through the years, I am sure that your love and attention to your husband will have her eating crow! Wishing you the best!

Lynne

How does it work with my in laws? Well, it doesn't.

Things were okay until Thanksgiving, then my MIL and my husband had an arguement and we left. There was a brief get together on Christmas day at my FILs house (MIL and FIL divorced over 20 yrs ago) and she totally ignored me. Then recently my FIL told my husband basically that he thought I was being lazy because I wasn't working (well, no EAD, no work, he doesn't get that) and then that no-one would employ me because of my weight (I was a US size 8 when I first came here, now a 12-14). Well, there is nothing I can do about that right now, I need to get my thyroid meds adjusted and cant afford the $200 office visit and lab tests that I was quoted.

So we haven't spoken to MIL since Christmas and not to FIL for the past month or so. I really dont understand them. Perhaps they think that I'm just here for the chance of some inheritance or something. Well, I had a much better life in England, and like Kezzie, my husband is disabled so I will be the one suporting him, not the other way around. I've been really hurt by their reactions to me. Whilst I didnt expect them to adore me instantly or anything, I thought they would at least show some interest and perhaps some encouragement. But they only discourage us. I've spent many an hour in tears over it. Craig says that it isn't to do with me, it's him. They see him as a "problem" and because I married him, I must be a problem too.

The worst thing they've done so far was on Christmas Day. They totally ignored me pretty much the whole day and then around 5pm my husband's ex wife showed up to collect their daughter. After ignoring me the whole time, they went outside to the car and were hugging her and kissing her like she was their long-lost beloved daughter-in-law. This is the woman who destroyed their son both physically and emotionally, stole thousands of dollars from them and has prevented any of them from seeing their daughter/grandaughter for the past 10 years.

ktun... people like this just have no clue as to what real life is... i think that they survive in a "world" of their own invention... sorry for the in-law troubles and heartaches! wishing you the best as always!

Lynne

[anya-D 8]

My husband is very close to his family and extended family... he talks to his parents everynight or at least almost everynight and his cousins like once a week.... I in the other hand dont have much contact with my family - we just always know that if i didnt call means i'm happy.. well.. i talke to them online and on the phone once in a while..

I love my in-laws though...they treat me great and i always feel comfortable and like a family member around them.... i spent time with them without my husband for a week and has no problem - he never try to puch me to them but i like to hang out with them anyway..

[Cassie 8]

My in-laws have been great, and are careful to give us our space. They live about 60 miles or so from us, but they frequently drive through Tulsa, so we get to have meals with them on a semi-regular basis. And we see them around family birthdays, etc. After their experiences with Jerry's first wife, they are happy with any kind of positive relationship with me.

The pretty cool thing about it is that they keep in touch with my parents pretty regularly -- whenever they all have been together, they got along like a house on fire so that has made life much much easier. Jerry loves to tease my mom, and my dad loves to give him a hard time, so it makes for fun phone calls.

I completely realize that we both are blessed to have good relationships with our in-laws, many others don't, and those of you who don't, I wish for you much patience!!

[nijusjaanu 0]

my inlaws are fantastic! i've never met them in person (except my FIL), but i talk to them on the phone/instant message sometimes.

my parents, on the other hand, ... let's just say that they and nizzar have kind of a love/hate relationship going on. one time they're mad at him, one time he's mad at them. he tried really, really hard to be good to them and respect them, and told me to forgive them time and again and again when they hurt me (even 2 days before our wedding when my mom called me and said "i hate him" and i hung up on her for the first time in my life), but now he's completely frustrated with them and tries to avoid them when he can (without letting them know he's avoiding them. he's smart enough not to stir up trouble!).

[chri'stina 190]

Sujeet gets along great with my parents and does things with my dad without me around sometimes. It really matters how you feel around your in laws. Sujeet feels comfortable around my parents and has done things with them before when I wasn't able to. Like, when I was working and Sujeet was waiting for his EAD, my mom would drive him around to his biometric appt, or a job interview thing, if he didn't have my car to use. He also would go with my dad to tag along on my dad's work routine before his EAD was here. My dad also had gone to India with me to meet Sujeet so they became pals back then. It's as if they have known eachother for ages. We are really blessed in that. My parents are very nice outgoing people who always try to make whoever is around feel completely at home, and they do a good job of it. Many people are not so considerate.

But if Sujeet did not feel comfortable alone with them, I don't think I'd try to make him do it. When I finally meet Sujeet's family in India,I don't know how comfortable or not I'll feel and I may not feel okay to be alone with them without Sujeet around.

If you don't feel comfortable doing things with your inlaws without your husband, I don't see anything wrong with that. Sure you can be nice to them and try to get along with them, but I don't blame you for how you feel!

[Marilyn. 340]

don't know if I mentioned this in this thread yet or not but my in-laws are great.... I got lucky

they accepted me into the family with no questions asked....

His mom sometimes calls me My Marilyn when talking to my hubby

His brothers and sister weren't to sure about me before they met me..... they had a talk with David to make sure that marrying me is what he wanted to do... I understand that, they didn't know me... there family is close but they don't really talk about personal stuff.... they were all just a little shocked when David told them he was getting married to a Canadian girl in Canada.... They didn't know it was that serious... His sister didn't even really know about me till a few months before we got married and even then she didn't know I lived in Canada ......

None of his family had met me before we got married... I met them all a year ago when I moved here to the US....

Anywho, they all love me now .... specially my sis-in-law's 4 year old boy I am his favourite aunt and his mom says he is always asking when I am going to come for a visit.... Hubby thinks his family likes me better then him...

[RaspberrySwirl 20]

I got pretty lucky as well. I'm sad to hear about the bad relationships some have with their in-laws.

I don't tend to post personal stuff but here goes:

David had an argument with his mom where they both overreacted and didn't talk for several months. His mom wanted him to apologize but David, as stubborn as he is, wouldn't, stating that it takes two to tango and you know how that goes.

One night we got a call from one of David's sister saying his dad had a heart attack and was in the hospital. That was the turning point for them. Those were some scary nights, Dad finally went into surgery for a (quadruple!!) bypass. When we first arrived at the hospital, Dad jokingly said: Shees, you two. Did it really have to take a friggin' heart attack to get you guys talking again??

That's my father-in-law for ya, he kept insisting it was just "gas" even when it got so bad. He's doing quite fine now, picked up golfing as soon as he could and he's been going crazy ATV'ing over here and in the Arizona desert!

Anyway, just wanted to say: Life's too short for petty squabbles. After all I've been through with my own parents as well, it's just not worth it. We're slowly communicating again. (Well mostly with my mom and siblings, Dad's a whole other story).

I really do hope you find a way to improve your relationship with your in-laws. I know it's easier said than done. Good luck to you.

OK, end of rant. I need to go post some silly-ness to get out of the sentimental mood.

[Mr. Big Dog 10,747]

My MIL is in Ethiopia. My FIL is in Germany. Nani's IL's are both in Germany.

No stress.

j/k.

We actually get along great. Now, I can't talk much to her mom and she can't talk much to my parents. But we all get along just dandy.

[Jasman0717 9]

It works really well for us, my parents are dead and hers are 7000 miles away

[Saddle Bronc 124]

I wish I could say that it will be no stress.

For Pras, I see some signs of upcoming trouble. I had an e-mail exchange with my sister (who lives in Bay Area) in which she asked me to come to HER hotel room to pick up a white sari (purportedly to be used by Pras as wedding garment) between 3:00 and 4:00 pm on 4/15--AFTER I had already informed her that I would likely be at the campground (a two-hour drive from Novi) till 3:00 for cleanup. When I replied that I believed that Pras had already purchased a sari for the purpose, she took offence.

I confirmed Tuesday night that Pras had indeed purchased such a sari--and basically told her my sister would just have to "lump it" (I'm certainly not going to appease my sister on the sari issue--as I've learned the hard way how to deal with her unreasonableness).

Distance does, however, help greatly here: my sister and dad each live about 2,500 mi away (dad lives in Calgary, but spends lots of time at my sister's home) while her dad (who was displeased that he couldn't have a full marriage done in India) lives 8,000 mi away.

[noemij 0]

I think that my husband and I have been blessed with caring and understanding in-laws...my family has welcomed him as a son, and his family has welcomed me as their daughter. I think that this has helped with the immigration and adjustment issues that we have had.

[CarolineM 0]

My parents love Stewart - he does stuff with my mom without me all the time

His parents love me, and I ADORE them but they are 9000 miles away so...that's not so good.

[TracyTN 237]

Chas' mom is a dear, sweet lady. I couldn't ask for someone nicer. Even though she will miss her son, she is happy for us (and excited to possibly be a grandma one day!).