In-Laws

[ChristinaM 0]

Well Chris is going out to play a gig tonight, but just a minute ago his mother rang to invite us out to dinner. I didn't want to go without him, because as sweet as my MIL and FIL are, they're pretty hard work. So I made an excuse and I'm staying home tonight.

My husband tells me that I should be more tolerant and willing to spend time with his family (his mother in particular), because it would mean "so much" to them (he's an only child who married for the first time later at 35). I come from a very close nuclear family, but not close at all to the extended family - on either side. I gather that "family" is a big deal here in the US; certainly more than I'm used to, and I can deal with that. But the flip side is that Chris speaks to his parents really infrequently, although they live less than 5 miles away. I probably speak to mine five or six times for every once he speaks to his. So I think it's a little unfair for him to start pushing family demands and obligations on me when he's not even that keen to see them himself.

I don't know if I'm being unfair or unrealistic, but it bugs me hugely.

How do things work in your families? Is extended family a big deal? What about immediate family? How do you deal with you in-laws if you're the foreigner, or how does your SO deal if you're the USC? I'm just interested to see how it is for other people.

Edited March 31, 2006 by clmarsh

[meddykomp 0]

I do not expect my husband to interact with my family any more than I do. Idon'tt even expect him to interact with them as much as I do.

[j&js 0]

Well, we live with my parents, so daily interaction with them is a necessity for James. They get along great, but my parents are very laid back.

With his parents, I am always more excited to visit with them then he is!

[Cdnwmn 0]

Hmmm where do I start? My MIL and FIL are ok people and while I don't mind visiting with them once on a weekend, I don't want to be "hanging out" with my MIL. I was not very close to my own parents growing up although I love my parents. My husband always felt that I should go and see my MIL more as in his words "they won't be around forever". I'm 47, my MIL is 76 and my FIL is 78. My husband will see his parents at least once, more often than not twice, sometimes three times a week. Once or twice after work and then with me on the weekend. I had gone out shopping in the past with my MIL and I found she was too "pushy" meaning she either was trying to talk me into buying stuff I didn't need or she was "pushy/bossy" with the store clerks. That was the first and last time I ever went with her...lol. She is a shop a holic and I guess she figures I should be one too.

Once a week for a visit is fine with me, thank you.

[ceriserose 1]

All of our family is out of town so any visiting is done with pre-planning. My parents have passed but have I have very involved step-family. We both get along well with each others' families.

That being said, I wouldn't expect Hubby to spend time with mine without me, nor does he expect me to spend time with his. We do a weekly call with his folks and on occasion I'll talk for a bit with MIL.

Maybe the difference is the distance involved, so my perspective is different (it's always an event that brings us all together so naturally we're all there), but I don't think that you should be obliged to spend any more time with your in laws than you're comfortable with, and especially not when your husband isn't seeing them regularly. Just reading it kind of makes me wonder if he's got some sort of issues going on with them and is looking to you to be the connection point. (Of course that's my amateur psych on too much coffee so take it liberally. )

Edited April 1, 2006 by ceriserose

[Marilyn. 340]

we go see hubby's mom every weekend.. she is in the hospital right now, as been for the last 4 months... I usually spend more time with her then hubby does... he usually goes outside to talk with his dad or do other stuff...

I don't mind hanging out with his mom but it kind of annoys me that he is the one that wants to go see his mom every weekend but then doesn't spend more then 30 minutes with her and I spend almost 2 hours with her sometimes

[Ephesia 0]

I was a bit worried about the same things before I moved here. In Singapore, I was closest to my brother and dad, but Dad passed away in 2002. Extended family-wise, we stayed away from most of our aunts and uncles as much as possible because we found them quite 'fake' sometimes. When my dad was still alive, though, I used to visit with him only once a month. I gradually increased that to once a week when I had more time from work. Overall, though, my brother and I had never felt the need for family time the way it is over here.

It took me awhile to get used to some 'quirks' in my husband's family. Initially, his mom would kinda kick up a gentle fuss if she didn't see us or hear from us after more than a week. I would look at the calendar and think, "Er ... we just had dinner with them 8 days ago. What gives?" Christmas was a slightly rough ride for me because we saw them every other day during that week. Even my husband doesn't really want to see his family more than once a week. We felt kinda overdosed after Christmas was over.

After being here for 8 months, my relationship with his family remains warm and supportive. I give his mom a lot of credit for this. She has not been pushy. We've also had to change the frequency of family dinner from weekly to every other week because she has meetings at work. So whenever we get together, we use the time well by catching up with one another. On his sister's side, we see their family maybe once in a month or longer.

Overall, I let my husband take the initiative where family meet-ups are concerned. If he doesn't bring it up, I don't either. It's not that I don't love them. I most certainly do, but I don't believe it's necessary to arrange a fixed, regular time with them. We all have our lives and ####### to keep us busy as it is.

Having said all that, my husband and I have a big challenge coming up that is drawing me to his family more than ever. He will be going in for major surgery on Apr 14. His colon and rectum will be removed and he will lose his job. His Crohn's disease has hit the very-severe stage. His condition has not improved with any of the drugs. We are all very concerned for his physical welfare and totally focused on his needs. During this period, I have been appreciating his family more and more, and I am especially glad his mother is a great problem solver.

Sorry this got so long and rambling, Christina. I hope you will talk this out with your husband and let him know it bothers you. Hopefully, he will be able to understand the situation from your perspective and you can come to a compromise.

Keep us posted.

Hugs,

Elen

Well Chris is going out to play a gig tonight, but just a minute ago his mother rang to invite us out to dinner. I didn't want to go without him, because as sweet as my MIL and FIL are, they're pretty hard work. So I made an excuse and I'm staying home tonight.

My husband tells me that I should be more tolerant and willing to spend time with his family (his mother in particular), because it would mean "so much" to them (he's an only child who married for the first time later at 35). I come from a very close nuclear family, but not close at all to the extended family - on either side. I gather that "family" is a big deal here in the US; certainly more than I'm used to, and I can deal with that. But the flip side is that Chris speaks to his parents really infrequently, although they live less than 5 miles away. I probably speak to mine five or six times for every once he speaks to his. So I think it's a little unfair for him to start pushing family demands and obligations on me when he's not even that keen to see them himself.

I don't know if I'm being unfair or unrealistic, but it bugs me hugely.

How do things work in your families? Is extended family a big deal? What about immediate family? How do you deal with you in-laws if you're the foreigner, or how does your SO deal if you're the USC? I'm just interested to see how it is for other people.

Edited April 1, 2006 by Ephesia

[raphael7546 0]

My inlaws are Fantastic!!

I love them to death! His mom & I get along so well that we even go to Vegas together. I came and stayed with them for a visit while Hubby was Deployed to the middle east. We go to Hockey games together. Concerts together , His Mom is alot of fun. She's quite a bit younger then my own mom and we can talk about anything! and I mean Anything!

Both his parents have told me that if my hubby & I ever have a problem that I am welcome to come live with them in their home. His dad said he would kick his sons ### around the block if he ever did anything to hurt me or upset me. lol

I call them Mom & Dad , have from day1. of first meeting them.

[TracyTN 237]

I would never expect my fiance to spend time with my parents if I wasn't there - unless HE wanted to, or if he was helping them around the house or in the yard, etc. Conversely, he can only take his mom and stepdad in 'doses', so I know he would never subject me to them on my own.

Is there a particular reason your hubby wants you to spend time with his parents alone? I mean, maybe he would like them to get to know you a little better? In which case, he should tell you that. Then maybe it would make you more comfortable about doing it (at least that's how I would feel, cos that is kind of sweet).

[ChristinaM 0]

I think he would like me to be a "bridge" between himself and them. Although they're not on bad terms in any way, they're not as close as I think his mother particularly would like. I would prefer he expanded their relationship and then brought me into it.

[Moon9393 0]

My in laws are very cool people! We get along pretty well and since we live all togheter i interact with them on a daily basis. But lately my mother in law asked my hubby when we goin to move out and that upset me a little bit. She always tell me "you are welcome to stay as long as u want" and then she asked my hubby when we gonna move out?? Then i come from italy where we dont move out from parents house till we get married (i know it sounds crazy lol)and my parents would NEVER ask when im gonna move out!Specially if they got a very big house. I guess its a different culture but i got upset specially cause im very respectful and I always try to help in the house for whatever they need..we really dont bother them so why she had to say soon or later she wants her house back? My hubby says i dont understand how american people think... Of course i cant wait to have my own place also but then again why she would want us to move out of her basement whenshe has 4bedroom house all for herself and her husband?

[rebeccajo 14]

Ephesia....gosh, you've got a rough patch ahead of you! I really really hope you all come out ok!

It's times like that when family can really be good to have around.

clmarsh - I agree with you that he shouldn't expect you to be with his folks when he's not. Nor should he expect you to build a bridge between him and them. But maybe he's needing something from them lately that he can't get on his own - something emotional. He could be turning to you for some insight on that, without even realizing it. Not so much asking you to build a bridge, but seeking your opinion. I'm rambling and don't know how to explain this - lol - sometimes Wes can see something I can't. And he has a way of bringing something to me so crystal clear. Maybe that's what your husband is asking of you?

[KarenCee 3]

My inlaws will be over 2500 miles away but the times I've been with them have been great. Joel's mom seems to really like me, as does his whole immediate family. As for Joel....my parents are both gone so he won't have any inlaws to spend time with.

[chocolaterie 0]

goodness, my husband has a very close knit family. You can't do anything without them knowing. I remember one time I went out with some girl friends during a "girls night out" & I guess he complained about it and the next day his family looked at me like I was some wild woman! But I don't mind them, if they want me over, and I'm not doing anything, I'll go. It's better to get over the being uncomfortable now, when you're new to the family, than have to possibly go through it later.

[MrMrsKnight 0]

I love Dave's family and friends. His mom calls me once a week and I just feel very loved! They respect me SO much and treat my like I'm a very important part of the family.

Dave lived here(at my grandma's house) in Brazil with me for almost 2 years and he had to interact wih my family everyday. And I have a BIG loud italian family, something he was not(and still isn't) used to. But he likes my family very much too and has never had a problem with them. Everyone here loves him and misses him like crazy!! And my mom says he's the son she's never had!

I guess we're just very lucky!