Contemplating divorce

[JeffAtl 16]

2 minutes ago, Boiler said:

If this situation was not yours but a friend, what would you tell them?

 

I have a feeling you have very little knowledge of annulment.

I would tell them to cut her off completely.  You're right, I don't have much knowledge of it and it is hard to get one where I live, so chances are it will be divorce.  Had I acted 6 months ago, it would have been different I think.  

[R&OC 371]

What does your wife want?

 

My husband and I had the worst fights ever for almost 18 months after I got my LPR status. There were plenty of moments in which we both considered giving up. The socio-cultural differences, my European upbringing, his Asian-American upbringing… it was tough. And then throw in some stepkids on both sides. Marital counseling,

church etc helped but didn’t solve the problems…

 

What I am trying to say is, we are now five years in and the dust is finally settling. 

 

I saw you posting that you are done. But have you talked to her about separation? 

[Family 3,988]

If the marriage is done and you are filing for divorce, then you : 

1. Withdraw I-130 and I-864 stating marriage not viable and divorce filed

2. Divorce will be dissolution ( not annulment as there are no grounds and you don’t seem a spiteful fellow that will shout “ fraud”)

3. She can apply for TPS  ( as she does not have status yet) and divorce cuts off currently pending I-130 based I-485.

4. She can also FILE FOR ASYLUM and will get granted 

5. I don’t recommend living in same household during separation/ divorce…TOO MANY volatile conflicts possible and you don’t want up w allegations of abuse. 
6. Find a way to “ couch surf “ if need be until you and divorce lawyer settles all matters . 

 

[Carpe Vinum 2,327]

1. Pull the 864. 2. Pull the 864. 3. Pull the 864.  If you feel you are being used the first thing you want to do is do the the best job of removing future liability you can. Don't rely on a lawyer to dawdle and fail to pull the 864 in a timely fashion. It just takes a simple letter.

Edited May 2, 2022 by Carpe Vinum

[JeffAtl 16]

2 hours ago, R&OC said:

What does your wife want?

 

My husband and I had the worst fights ever for almost 18 months after I got my LPR status. There were plenty of moments in which we both considered giving up. The socio-cultural differences, my European upbringing, his Asian-American upbringing… it was tough. And then throw in some stepkids on both sides. Marital counseling,

church etc helped but didn’t solve the problems…

 

What I am trying to say is, we are now five years in and the dust is finally settling. 

 

I saw you posting that you are done. But have you talked to her about separation? 

She wants to stay together.  

 

I honestly don't know how you did that, staying together through all that.  This has been the longest, roughest 10 months of my life.  I have a stepson also.  So our issues include everything from parenting to having not much in common to the bedroom.  There's a huge values difference that I didn't see before.  We're doing marriage counseling and she sometimes goes to church with me, though she's a non-believer, which is another issue.  I work all day and am expected to do just as much (or more) as she does at home.  Meanwhile, she has no structure to her days and just does what she wants.  She hates cooking (so do I) and that's a huge pain point for us.  She barely cleans or does anything.  I'm supposed to hire cleaning people! Uh, no, not happening.  Anyway, many, many issues.  So many it's overwhelming.  There's days I come home that I don't want to go inside the house.

 

I spoke with an immigration attorney last week and the news was not good, so I am stuck for now.  I can't send her back to Ukraine and there's no guarantee she can stay in the U.S.  If she does, she'd have to apply for asylum or TPS and wok permit all over again and I'd have to support her until then.  That means we have a lot more waiting to do.  We are now in month 8 since applying for AOS and I'm very angry that it's taking so long.  No interview scheduled, no nothing.  Just sit an wait and struggle financially for months and months.  I naively thought this would be a 4-5 month process, which I was prepared for, but not this long.  

 

We discussed it last week and decided to keep trying, but I just feel like we're way too different for it to work long term.  For now, just trying to change how I communicate with her to keep the peace.  I feel used, I have to admit.  

Edited May 2, 2022 by JeffAtl

[Boiler 45,482]

Modern Women are not limited to the US.

 

Did you adopt her son? That may complicate matters.

 

The I 864 is your big call, that is something you can control. The significance may not be apparent to your Divorce Lawyer

[TBoneTX 45,273]

6 hours ago, Carpe Vinum said:

1. Pull the 864. 2. Pull the 864. 3. Pull the 864.

This.  As life's top priority.

6 hours ago, JeffAtl said:

There's days I come home that I don't want to go inside the house.

Break things off at the earliest opportunity.  But first, pull the I-864.

[R&OC 371]

12 hours ago, JeffAtl said:

She wants to stay together.  

 

I honestly don't know how you did that, staying together through all that.  This has been the longest, roughest 10 months of my life.  I have a stepson also.  So our issues include everything from parenting to having not much in common to the bedroom.  There's a huge values difference that I didn't see before.  We're doing marriage counseling and she sometimes goes to church with me, though she's a non-believer, which is another issue.  I work all day and am expected to do just as much (or more) as she does at home.  Meanwhile, she has no structure to her days and just does what she wants.  She hates cooking (so do I) and that's a huge pain point for us.  She barely cleans or does anything.  I'm supposed to hire cleaning people! Uh, no, not happening.  Anyway, many, many issues.  So many it's overwhelming.  There's days I come home that I don't want to go inside the house.

 

I spoke with an immigration attorney last week and the news was not good, so I am stuck for now.  I can't send her back to Ukraine and there's no guarantee she can stay in the U.S.  If she does, she'd have to apply for asylum or TPS and wok permit all over again and I'd have to support her until then.  That means we have a lot more waiting to do.  We are now in month 8 since applying for AOS and I'm very angry that it's taking so long.  No interview scheduled, no nothing.  Just sit an wait and struggle financially for months and months.  I naively thought this would be a 4-5 month process, which I was prepared for, but not this long.  

 

We discussed it last week and decided to keep trying, but I just feel like we're way too different for it to work long term.  For now, just trying to change how I communicate with her to keep the peace.  I feel used, I have to admit.  

I don't think I ever disagreed with Boiler and TBone but I am not sure if I would pull the I-864 and instead wait until she has her work permit. Once she has her work permit, proceed as you have considered but reach out to your congressman before and point out the financial difficulties you guys are having. I am hoping this may speed up the process.

 

She may have had entirely different expectations of her life before coming to the US. It is nevertheless unacceptable to have you do all the heavy lifting. My husband struggled despite me doing all the cleaning and me working full time because I expected to have an equal vote in all decisions. That was/is our problem and he would have preferred if I would work less but accept his "final say without questions". Needless to say, we came a long way but I do not want to project.

 

I very much hope you have a good outcome whatever directions you choose. 

 

 

Edited May 3, 2022 by R&OC

[Redro 4,611]

15 hours ago, JeffAtl said:

She wants to stay together.  

 

I honestly don't know how you did that, staying together through all that.  This has been the longest, roughest 10 months of my life.  I have a stepson also.  So our issues include everything from parenting to having not much in common to the bedroom.  There's a huge values difference that I didn't see before.  We're doing marriage counseling and she sometimes goes to church with me, though she's a non-believer, which is another issue.  I work all day and am expected to do just as much (or more) as she does at home.  Meanwhile, she has no structure to her days and just does what she wants.  She hates cooking (so do I) and that's a huge pain point for us.  She barely cleans or does anything.  I'm supposed to hire cleaning people! Uh, no, not happening.  Anyway, many, many issues.  So many it's overwhelming.  There's days I come home that I don't want to go inside the house.

 

I spoke with an immigration attorney last week and the news was not good, so I am stuck for now.  I can't send her back to Ukraine and there's no guarantee she can stay in the U.S.  If she does, she'd have to apply for asylum or TPS and wok permit all over again and I'd have to support her until then.  That means we have a lot more waiting to do.  We are now in month 8 since applying for AOS and I'm very angry that it's taking so long.  No interview scheduled, no nothing.  Just sit an wait and struggle financially for months and months.  I naively thought this would be a 4-5 month process, which I was prepared for, but not this long.  

 

We discussed it last week and decided to keep trying, but I just feel like we're way too different for it to work long term.  For now, just trying to change how I communicate with her to keep the peace.  I feel used, I have to admit.  

Does she want to stay together because she loves you/wants to make it work or does she want to stay together because you're her only option right now?

I read your previous thread when you were doubting the relationship in July 2021. I'm so sorry things aren't working out... 

 

You need to protect yourself... the K1 visa immigration angle of the entire relationship really does limit her in her options and I can see how you might feel guilted into trying to make things work to "save" her and her son. 

But, don't stay in a relationship because she has no options. She has a few options. She can apply for TPS. She can apply for asylum... 

If she isn't trying to compromise on household tasks while she is at home not working do you think she will be willing to go out into the world and get a job (if she ever gets that EAD) and is she planning on contributing to the household income or is that money still marked as "hers"?

 

 (Un)fortunately the situation in Ukraine gives her some access to resources here in the US and she will probably be allowed to stay in the US for a bit while she figures out her options. 

 

Edited May 3, 2022 by ROK2USA

[JeffAtl 16]

5 hours ago, R&OC said:

I don't think I ever disagreed with Boiler and TBone but I am not sure if I would pull the I-864 and instead wait until she has her work permit. Once she has her work permit, proceed as you have considered but reach out to your congressman before and point out the financial difficulties you guys are having. I am hoping this may speed up the process.

 

She may have had entirely different expectations of her life before coming to the US. It is nevertheless unacceptable to have you do all the heavy lifting. My husband struggled despite me doing all the cleaning and me working full time because I expected to have an equal vote in all decisions. That was/is our problem and he would have preferred if I would work less but accept his "final say without questions". Needless to say, we came a long way but I do not want to project.

 

I very much hope you have a good outcome whatever directions you choose. 

 

 

Thank you for this.  I know everyone (or most) say I should pull the I-864, but an immigration attorney said that surely means deportation.  No guarantees on Asylum or TPS and then I'd have to support her anyway until she found work, probably as a condition of the divorce.  So I feel trapped.  Thank you for giving me a different way to view it.  She is an educated professional and wants to work, so I may just have to trust that she never goes on welfare.  She's a bit materialistic in some ways.  Has that Western mentality, which bothers me.  On the other hand, having that mentality would prevent her from just getting by on government assistance.  Very educated and her skills are in demand.  Companies are contacting her without her applying for anything as it is.  

 

She wants full control of the household decisions.  There is no compromise.  I've been the one compromising.  Its not how I want a marriage to be.  I sort of relate to your husband, as that's a "head of household" mentality.  On the other hand, I agree with you on having an equal vote.  It's a struggle when you're with someone who always wants the opposite of you though.  Lots of fighting.  I just feel trapped.  The kicker is she now wants me to sponsor her sister and her family.  Thats a no go since I'd be responsible for them too! I have to say no to that.  I don't trust my own wife, so how could I trust her sister who I don't even know?

[Boiler 45,482]

She isn't getting deported so not sure why the Lawyer mentioned that. Well unless she is a felon and that would be a maybe.

 

Nothing good can come of you not pulling the I 864

[Redro 4,611]

23 minutes ago, JeffAtl said:

Thank you for this.  I know everyone (or most) say I should pull the I-864, but an immigration attorney said that surely means deportation.  No guarantees on Asylum or TPS and then I'd have to support her anyway until she found work, probably as a condition of the divorce.  So I feel trapped.  Thank you for giving me a different way to view it.  She is an educated professional and wants to work, so I may just have to trust that she never goes on welfare.  She's a bit materialistic in some ways.  Has that Western mentality, which bothers me.  On the other hand, having that mentality would prevent her from just getting by on government assistance.  Very educated and her skills are in demand.  Companies are contacting her without her applying for anything as it is.  

 

She wants full control of the household decisions.  There is no compromise.  I've been the one compromising.  Its not how I want a marriage to be.  I sort of relate to your husband, as that's a "head of household" mentality.  On the other hand, I agree with you on having an equal vote.  It's a struggle when you're with someone who always wants the opposite of you though.  Lots of fighting.  I just feel trapped.  The kicker is she now wants me to sponsor her sister and her family.  Thats a no go since I'd be responsible for them too! I have to say no to that.  I don't trust my own wife, so how could I trust her sister who I don't even know?

If she is being contacted by companies. Have her accept a job and then apply for an expedite. Can't hurt to try. 

[beloved_dingo 1,976]

On 4/28/2022 at 1:56 PM, JeffAtl said:

The issue is the TPS could take a long time (per my immigration attorney), though he didn't define how long.  So what does she do in the meantime? I can't afford 2 households, so we will live uncomfortably together when the divorce happens and I will cancel her credit cards (in my name).  I should have done that already, but she isn't a spendthrift.  Besides, if she went crazy with them, I could use that in court to prove my point for annulment I guess.  Will know more when I meet with another attorney today.  I'm beyond disappointed.  What a costly lesson, emotionally and financially.

FYI not a good idea to cancel credit cards or inhibit her financially while the divorce is still pending. Judges do not take kindly to spouses who remove financial security from their dependent spouses before the divorce is final. In many cases, a temporary (pendente lite) order will be entered which states that the financial status quo be maintained - in other words, both of your financial habits should be maintained during the pendency of the divorce and the martial bills should be paid as they customarily have been throughout the marriage. 

[TBoneTX 45,273]

10 hours ago, JeffAtl said:

So I feel trapped.

 

10 hours ago, JeffAtl said:

Has that Western mentality, which bothers me.

 

10 hours ago, JeffAtl said:

There is no compromise.  I've been the one compromising.  Its not how I want a marriage to be.

 

10 hours ago, JeffAtl said:

It's a struggle when you're with someone who always wants the opposite of you though.  Lots of fighting.  I just feel trapped.

 

10 hours ago, JeffAtl said:

she now wants me to sponsor her sister and her family.  Thats a no go since I'd be responsible for them too!

 

10 hours ago, JeffAtl said:

I don't trust my own wife

Brother, read what you've been writing; this is only from one post.  You've doubted things since July 2021. All the loving, sweet, congenial, available women in the world, and you feel obligated to THIS one?  Pull the I-864 and call a halt to this life of misery.