Feeling stuck/hopeless and don't know what to do

[dentsflogged 352]

I've been married nearly 4 years, with my husband for nearly 6 all up. 

 

I'm a city girl and always have been.  Living in a small town (around 10,000 population) was tough but I was making it work.  At the start of the pandemic I told him I wanted to move somewhere slightly bigger (I'm talking like 50,000, not 5 million) and he agreed we could talk about it when the pandemic calmed down. Then a few months later he wanted to buy his childhood home so it stayed in the family and so we could have more space/land and the like.    It's in an even smaller town (less than 5,000 people) and rural/remote and in the snow belt so winter is long, cold, and really hard to get out and do anything in.   Despite all my reservations we went ahead with it. And it's gone totally downhill since then. 

 

We've always fundamentally disagreed on living in the US vs. Australia.   I've done all the compromising - first on living in the US at all, then on living in a small town, now living in an even smaller town.   And now he's talking about wanting to move even further out for more land so we can have a hobby farm.  And I just. Can't. Do. It. 

 

I'm used to cities, to having a big group of friends, to having options to do things like go to a movie or out to dinner.   Know where our closest movie theatre is?   50 miles away.  We spent an hour driving around last friday trying to find somewhere to eat that wasn't totally full because it was the first nice night after 4 months of below-freezing temperatures so everyone was piling into the whopping 4 choices for restaurants.     I haven't got a single friend in town, and only a few in the town we moved from (which is a 45 minute drive away). I work from home 4 days out of 5 so I never see my team mates enough to count (I could go to the office more, but it's 80 miles from where we live and I don't want to do that drive back/forth more often) 

 

I'm thinking we are just fundamentally mismatched. He's made it 100% clear he will never move to Australia and that he hates cities and doesn't want to live in/near one.  I feel like I'm slowly being erased because I'm not the fun, happy, fit and energetic person I was when we met, because all the things I did that MADE me happy, fun to be around and fit/energetic are gone.   I've gained over 100lbs from eating/drinking too much alcohol to cope with depression & anxiety that I've developed due to the social isolation. 

I just don't know where to go from here. I love him. I don't want to hurt him. But I'm sick of being in a relationship where my needs and wants are never taken into any kind of consideration.  I also don't know what to do with immigration - I've applied for ROC already and am only a few months from being eligible to be a citizen, but I don't know if I want either of those things vs. to just take my stuff and my dog and go home?  Is there any benefit to getting a waiver for ROC if I don't intend on staying here?

Edited April 4, 2022 by dentsflogged

[Verrou 1,962]

hey...im sorry it happened to you. dont know what kind of waiver of ROC that you are looking for ? is it like divorce waiver? if yes...if you arent looking to live in US, i dont see the point of pursuing that. most people pursuing that divorce waiver because they still want to stay / live in US. guess it depend of what you are looking for

 

i can relate because im a city girl since i was born. my city's population 4 million people. i live in many places and country before i settle in NYC...and then pandemic hit, and i was forced to live in the smallest city i ever live. i like it here, especially during this global health issue, but at least its a real (small) city

 

sometimes just love its not enough to be marry to someone, you need to have same view of way to live your live together. hope you will find a way with this situation. 

 

[Family 3,988]

34 minutes ago, dentsflogged said:

but I don't know if I want either of those things vs. to just take my stuff and my dog and go home?  Is there any benefit to getting a waiver for ROC if I don't intend on staying here?

You may benefit from taking off to Australia for SIX MONTHS , and take doggie with you. Make it a self declared Mental Health Retreat. If possible get a leave of absence from work ( if not then walk away ) and tell husband , I adore you but I need to try something to deal with depression/SADD ( seasonal affective disorder)/ weight imbalance …pack light , take doggie and go spend some time w family in Australia. 
 

Give yourself some time to get your bearings , now that you know exactly what/where future living arrangements look like with your husband….and even experience what you will feel like when he is no longer the shoulder you use as a pillow.

 

ON IMMIGRATION timeline of your I-751 it’s  worth NOT doing anything other than wait to see how / what happens with the marriage. If either of you initiates Divorce, it still has to be final before you can put USCIS on notice and amend the I-751. You travel with ur passport, green card and I-751 Receipt Notice…maybe even get Info pass to get a stamp in your passport to show I-551. 
 

After 4 years of marriage, there will be much to unravel and deal with , if/when you decide to throw in the towel and divorce.

 

For me, I tried to move  in a small village/town in Romagna, Italy ( population 5K) and although I spoke the language, had my then husband and 2 young children with me..I did not last 6 months . 
 

 

 

 

[Ontarkie 14,227]

Since you do still love him. I like the recommendation of going home for mental health healing. Before taking your dog look into the ban on dogs and what it will take to bring him back. I'm not sure what countries are all part of the ban but better to look into it prior. 

 

I know right now you are frustrated and hurt. You're going shack wacky and need to get back to normal. 

 

Tell your husband you need sunlight and if you can afford a trip home do it, take the time to heal. Then come back, start looking into places that works for both of you. It does sound like you love him a lot but you can't be stuck in the middle of nowhere. Heck I'm in Arkansas and it's pretty much country everywhere around here. But Little Rock is also just around the corner for most of the places I'm looking at. I'm the opposite of you and hate  the city. I've tried my best but like you it is killing me. I hate all the noise, I hate the traffic, I hate the non stop got to go go go feel here.  But I do love how I can get to anything and everything I want or need. So for me I'm looking for something outside the city not too far as my husband's work needs to be easy to get too. He's pretty well set in that job and I don't want him to have a long commute. 

 

If citizenship was something you wanted to do before, go for it. Get the ROC finished, get your citizenship and and if he won't budge tell him you're going somewhere nice for the winter months see ya in the spring  . If you have USC you can come and go as you like, get the needed big city fixes and sunlight therapy all in one go. 

[Mike E 11,739]

Moving all the way to Australia likely forecloses options: 

 

* keeping your marriage

 

* keeping your green card 

 

Seems like it would be less drastic for you to (temporarily at least) move into or near a city in the same state (USA) where you currently live. This  would give you have access to entertainment, culture, restaurants, and people while keeping your options open with respect to LPR status and your marriage.  
 

I don’t understand why he is unwilling to consider a rural setting nearer to a city.  But perhaps if he understands how serious you are, he will make a compromise.  
 

In any marriage if the comprises are all one sided, it will be terminal for the marriage.  
 

Definitely consider seeking couples counseling if both of you are interested in that. 
 

 

[little immigrant 801]

Instead of eating and drinking too much I'd first suggest John's wort unless you're on hormonal birth control of course. It's over the counter and helps with depression 

[JeanneAdil 6,511]

Just remember going home the first visit from college 

away from august  to November and really homesick 

to my surprise in just 4 months things had changed so much i didn't feel at home there anymore either 

i don't know what small town u are from or what state but there is so much to do and see

talk to your husband 

let him know you need to get out and about 

not day trips to a large city but weekend getaways 

u may not be comfortable in small town USA but its a great place to raise a family 

there must be some way for u to feel part of this community like religious services,   weekend festivals ,  craft show,  old car shows ,  anything to get u out with people

 

he bought the child hood home,   make it over into your home ,  even painting a room can help and DON'T LET HIM tell u ,  u can't make changes,  its your house now

 

and yeah,  i agree so much with the above posts that say "go home for a retreat"   and to do some thinking 

u need to feel comfortable

[mam521 2,062]

1 hour ago, JeanneAdil said:

Just remember going home the first visit from college 

away from august  to November and really homesick 

to my surprise in just 4 months things had changed so much i didn't feel at home there anymore either 

This is so true..."home" isn't the same after you've left.  Even when I moved back while our immigration case was pending, I chose to live in a different part of the city to where I lived in previously, but still, it wasn't the same.  

 

I don't think the advise above is wrong - take a mental health LOA.  Get yourself into a better headspace, visit with family, have some experiences and see where that takes you.  If small town living is a deal breaker, it's a deal breaker.  As you seem to recognize, you can't rely on a spouse to make you happy.  Happiness comes from within and if you have a partner that is also happy, you can share your journey happily together.  Your mental health counts for something, too.  In fact, it's pretty priceless.  How he handles the situation will also give you a pulse on your relationship.  

 

Big hugs and good luck!

[Rocio0010 5,579]

Agree with all of the above and I will add, if you are not happy with yourself first, you are not going to be able to have a happy relationship. And happy relationships still need a lot of work and compromise. My husband is like yours, he likes rural areas, and I also like quiet life but also knowing I have the possibility to go for dinner with friends or go to the movies or the gym easily. So we compromised and we moved to a city where there are both. He can go hunting/dirt bike riding/ fishing on the weekends, while I can also go to the mall, grab a coffee or a restaurant. 

Your mental health is your top priority. Go back home, take your puppy, take a breather, and that will give you an idea of what you would want to pursue in your future.

Immigration- wise, ypu can spend 180 days abroad without raising red flags. If you decide to come back and stay married, it is all good. If you decide to divorce and stay, you can switch to a divorce waiver. If you decide to leave, you need to surrender your status. Best of luck.

[Scandi 4,166]

It was the opposite for me, moved from a 7000 people town in a snowy/icy country to a several million people city/county with really hot weather.

 

I really miss the small town feeling, large cities suck. I also don't like the heat. Or the traffic. Or the high taxes. Or the cost of living.. Yeah I can continue. 🤣

 

Luckily, my husband is VERY willing to leave Los Angeles but unfortunately we're stuck here until his mother dies, he is the only living relative she has that can help her out with everything (and she now has 24 hour in-home care too, likely alzheimers). But just knowing that he wants to leave too helps a lot, and we know we will sooner or later. Something to look forward to.

You don't have that, unfortunately, and I'm sorry for your situation. 

 

 

Immigration wise if it was me, since you have come this far already, if you can cope for a while longer I would suggest getting that citizenship based on your marriage - then you have all the right in the world to leave and come back whenever, however you want to. No restrictions, no stress about "maybe I made the wrong decision, I regret leaving him", not having to start over from scratch with a new visa etc. You can just come back.

 

But in the end only you can make this decision. 

 

 

[VerVer 3]

It depends what matters to you : 

 

1- A place/culture that you don't like or fit in, far away from home/family but at least you are with your husband.

2- A place/culture that you like but being away from your husband.

 

So, if your husband matters more than the rest, stay here.

If your husband can't match the things that you miss, move back.

 

There is no other solution because from your post it seems like negotiating/compromising on his behalf is out of discussion.

You know better what life you have or can have in Australia compared to the one that you have here.