Mother-in-law says US$700 monthly remittance is not enough

[Talako 789]

1 hour ago, Boiler said:

...I was listening to NPR...

Danger, Will Robinson!

[RO_AH 1,662]

1 hour ago, Prisonmate said:

I've been told also in the Philippine's Culture, the men is suppose to provide everything. If the wife works, it will be nice but the main breadwinner is the man.

Also in their culture all of the income goes to the wife. She controls the finances in the house. In my house I am the only one working. My wife is a housewife and mother to our 2 toddlers. That was the plan from the beginning. I was lucky that she respected, valued and protected my finances. I told her from the beginning that everyone including family would feel entitled to money from her because I am a foreigner. I don't know if even she realized how bad it would get. She learned quick and handled it well.

[MarJhi 968]

15 hours ago, Prisonmate said:

I've been told also in the Philippine's Culture, the men is suppose to provide everything. If the wife works, it will be nice but the main breadwinner is the man.

I don't think that is necessarily the "culture", because there are individuals involved, not everyone in every country follows the same standard. Through family and family of friends from the Philippines, I have known many Filipinas who are the primary breadwinner. In fact, in many occupations, especially retail in the Philippines, you will see the workforce is 90% female, because the employers want a young attractive female as the face of the company. Other occupations like the teachers and the medical fields skew heavy towards the female worker. Then if you look at the number of OFW's from the Philippines, 56% are female (out of 2.2 million).

 

Total Number of OFWs Estimated at 2.2 Million | Philippine Statistics Authority (psa.gov.ph)

[MarJhi 968]

14 hours ago, Talako said:

Danger, Will Robinson!

Haha, yeah I was thinking the same thing.

[MarJhi 968]

On 3/30/2022 at 8:38 AM, Prisonmate said:

Some do not need anything from their children and others depend on them for everything.

I don't believe anyone on here has been arguing that it's an all or nothing proposition. I think they are making an argument about being reasonable and unreasonable in expectations/demands. 

 

The truth is the MIL is playing dirty, trying to guilt trip the daughter. The daughter is already providing for the MIL, so there is no guilt to be had on her part. How far will the MIL take this? How willing is she to let her greed lead to a fracture in your relationship? $700 isn't enough now, $800 won't be enough, $1000 wont be enough. it will never end until your relationship with your wife is destroyed. 

[MarJhi 968]

On 3/28/2022 at 2:39 PM, Prisonmate said:

The monthly remittance is for food, utilities, miscellaneous, clothing for mother and two sisters. My wife will send extra when there is a birthday and more for Christmas.

I think the issue is whatever falls under the heading "miscellaneous". Time to get some receipts and figure out where the luxuries are. $700 a month is ridiculous for food, utilities and clothing for 3 people.

[Prisonmate 93]

13 hours ago, MarJhi said:

I think the issue is whatever falls under the heading "miscellaneous". Time to get some receipts and figure out where the luxuries are. $700 a month is ridiculous for food, utilities and clothing for 3 people.

I'm sure the monthly remittance is for other miscellaneous and unexpected expenses. My feeling is that we should help family members if they need it and if we can afford to do it. I wonder is it human nature that we are never satisfy with what we have instead of being just grateful.

[Prisonmate 93]

13 hours ago, MarJhi said:

I don't believe anyone on here has been arguing that it's an all or nothing proposition. I think they are making an argument about being reasonable and unreasonable in expectations/demands. 

 

The truth is the MIL is playing dirty, trying to guilt trip the daughter. The daughter is already providing for the MIL, so there is no guilt to be had on her part. How far will the MIL take this? How willing is she to let her greed lead to a fracture in your relationship? $700 isn't enough now, $800 won't be enough, $1000 wont be enough. it will never end until your relationship with your wife is destroyed. 

It won't destroy my relationship with my wife but I wonder how long my wife will put up with it. If my MIL live to hundred, my wife will be sending monthly remittance in her 70's. By then, I'll be dead and won't be able to help my wife financially.  My wife won't be able to afford to send her Social Security checks to her mother.  What will my wife live on then?

[Prisonmate 93]

14 hours ago, MarJhi said:

I don't think that is necessarily the "culture", because there are individuals involved, not everyone in every country follows the same standard. Through family and family of friends from the Philippines, I have known many Filipinas who are the primary breadwinner. In fact, in many occupations, especially retail in the Philippines, you will see the workforce is 90% female, because the employers want a young attractive female as the face of the company. Other occupations like the teachers and the medical fields skew heavy towards the female worker. Then if you look at the number of OFW's from the Philippines, 56% are female (out of 2.2 million).

 

Total Number of OFWs Estimated at 2.2 Million | Philippine Statistics Authority (psa.gov.ph)

From my experience here in the USA and in the Philippines, Filipinas are the best workers and earning money for the family.  I see too many cases where the Husband and Boyfriends are living off them but that is another subject we don't want to start.

[Talako 789]

3 hours ago, Prisonmate said:

 My wife won't be able to afford to send her Social Security checks to her mother.  What will my wife live on then?

I don't mean to be critical, but you should have a better plan than to have your wife living only on Social Security.

[redsail 1]

Your wife didn't ask to be born that was parent's behavior and obligation. This is a very very common obligation children out taught. Go to YouTube look up The Filipina Pea she has many good videos about this and other topics. This is a tough cultural spot to be in and wish you the best.

[LexieJ 44]

I was once like your wife, been providing for my parents and a younger brother when I started working, more than half oy paycheck goes to them when I was still in the Philippines. Back then my older brother was also sending her money as he was working as OFW in Taiwan. My mom sounds like your MIL. No  matter how much me and my brother sends was never enough. We even bought them a nice house in an executive village in our town. This was a very tough situation for me and my husband, we were in the brink of divorce multiple times because of this, the first 7-8 years of our marriage was very shaky because of my mom and her expectations of me supporting them '"forever" . Move forward they moved here in the US, they migrated here in 2012 and granted she helped us baby sit our kids and we have been paying them for $800/month but they were also living with us for free and she always makes "sarcastic remarks that what we pay her is chunk of change as make a lot of money because I'm a nurse!" Those years that she lived were us was torture for me and my husband! She feels very entitled to our home and my income as she feels like "without her I will not be where I am now", never once she gave me any credit for any of my efforts being a scholar back home and had a very tough time at school! She was not the one that took the NCLEX RN and found the employer who sponsored me for my GC! I married a Pinoy guy who grew up here so he is very Americanized, although he's Pinoy he does not understand why my mom is like that as his parents are very independent and do not rely on him or his sister for anything. I have had it with her a few years ago, they bought a mobile home and we told her that she can move out of my home and we do not need her help, I cut the ties and I could not have been at peace! I chose to take care of my husband and my 2 kids and i told  her " I have paid you enough, I am a mom myself and I am doing my best to raise my kids to be good members of the society" . Good thing we are here in CA and there's quite a few entitlement programs because of their age so I have stopped giving her money and  they are comfortable living in their little mobile home. On the other hand my older brother's family broke off because he unfortunately chose to continue supporting my parents and now he lives with them with no wife and his kids are away from him too. So, in the end your wife has to make the choice and decision to make your relationship work, never say that your marriage will not break as I saw it first hand with my brother and my marriage almost broke as well but in the end I chose my husband and my kids over my parents. And not all parents are like your MIL or my mom, my in laws are different and very independent, my aunt who is my mom's sister is the total opposite of her and sometimes I wish she is my mom. I still fulfill my obligation with them as a daughter by taking them to their doctor's appointments and doing errands for them, I rarely talk to her as well as every time she talks to me all she wants to do is complain and talk about money. Good luck to you, hope your wife will chose you over her parents.

[MarJhi 968]

Quote

I'm sure the monthly remittance is for other miscellaneous and unexpected expenses. My feeling is that we should help family members if they need it and if we can afford to do it. I wonder is it human nature that we are never satisfy with what we have instead of being just grateful.

During the height of the pandemic when the Philippines was completely locked down and most people could not work, I sent $350 to $400 a month and that covered rent, utilities and food in a decent place in Makati for 6 to 8 people during that time. Only one of them was still working (security guard). I know you seem to want to keep justifying the $700 per month figure, but it's an extravagant amount for 3 people. 

 

 

Quote

It won't destroy my relationship with my wife but I wonder how long my wife will put up with it.

 

Hmmm, if it came down to choosing between you or your mother, who do you think she is going to choose? Your wife will "put up with it" as long as mother tells her to. The mother in law is a bully, you and your wife are caving in to the bullying. 

 

Quote

By then, I'll be dead and won't be able to help my wife financially.

 

You keep repeating this "I'll be dead" line. Try to focus on the here and now. 

 

Quote

My wife won't be able to afford to send her Social Security checks to her mother.  What will my wife live on then?

Anyone counting on Social Security checks as a retirement income is setting themselves up for poverty, especially the way things are going. Beyond that, ask your MIL what your wife will live on, she is spending it for her right now.

 

Did you ever think that maybe, JUST MAYBE, your wife wants you to stand up and say NO MORE? Maybe what she can't say to her mother she is hoping you will take the pressure off of her and set limits on the MIL. Maybe your wife is counting on you to play bad cop to her good cop. 

 

 

Edited April 2, 2022 by MarJhi

[jskibo 588]

We usually send my MIL $200-$250 a month. My wife owns the house she lives in so not rent has to come out of that. But that also supports 6 other grandchildren. 
 

right now there’s an extra $150 a week as she popped for sputum test in the visa interview and now is in TB daily treatment. Close enough to Manila so she travels every day to take the pill at SLEC. 
 

She’s really never asked for anything and has always been appreciative of whatever we have sent. 
 

I used to cover it for several years but when my wife started working she wanted to take that on.  I do add extra for the nieces and nephews birthdays and school trips (prior to Covid). 
 

The amount you’re sending could support several families.  I’d set some boundaries, she won’t starve on a quarter of that. 

Edited April 2, 2022 by jskibo

[Prisonmate 93]

7 hours ago, MarJhi said:

During the height of the pandemic when the Philippines was completely locked down and most people could not work, I sent $350 to $400 a month and that covered rent, utilities and food in a decent place in Makati for 6 to 8 people during that time. Only one of them was still working (security guard). I know you seem to want to keep justifying the $700 per month figure, but it's an extravagant amount for 3 people. 

 

 

 

Hmmm, if it came down to choosing between you or your mother, who do you think she is going to choose? Your wife will "put up with it" as long as mother tells her to. The mother in law is a bully, you and your wife are caving in to the bullying. 

 

 

You keep repeating this "I'll be dead" line. Try to focus on the here and now. 

 

Anyone counting on Social Security checks as a retirement income is setting themselves up for poverty, especially the way things are going. Beyond that, ask your MIL what your wife will live on, she is spending it for her right now.

 

Did you ever think that maybe, JUST MAYBE, your wife wants you to stand up and say NO MORE? Maybe what she can't say to her mother she is hoping you will take the pressure off of her and set limits on the MIL. Maybe your wife is counting on you to play bad cop to her good cop. 

 

 

Interesting viewpoint. Thank you for that input. Good question to ponder on.