Mother-in-law says US$700 monthly remittance is not enough

[Prisonmate 93]

6 hours ago, Mike V said:

It's not just cultural; it's also a legal obligation (Philippine "Family Code") that extends to support of grand-parents/children and siblings as well as your own spouse & children.

Interesting. So what is the punishment for breaking this law? Who enforce this Family Code?

[MarJhi 963]

7 hours ago, Mike V said:

It's not just cultural; it's also a legal obligation (Philippine "Family Code") that extends to support of grand-parents/children and siblings as well as your own spouse & children.

Sure, but to what level of extravagance? It's one thing to support a family member, it's another to have that family member demand you support an extravagant lifestyle.

[Mike V 56]

24 minutes ago, Prisonmate said:

Interesting. So what is the punishment for breaking this law? Who enforce this Family Code?

I've never heard of it being enforced, and with your wife living outside PH it would be difficult to enforce.  But it's still the law as well as a cultural expectation.

Unless/until your wife appreciates the need to set some reasonable limitations, the giving will continue. 

 

Edited March 29, 2022 by Mike V

[Mike V 56]

6 minutes ago, MarJhi said:

Sure, but to what level of extravagance? It's one thing to support a family member, it's another to have that family member demand you support an extravagant lifestyle.

They have to learn when & how to say "no", we can't do that for them.

 

[MarJhi 963]

10 hours ago, Mike V said:

They have to learn when & how to say "no", we can't do that for them.

 

Still doesn't answer the question. Even if it was a law to support the family, there would obviously be a limit on the extent of that support correct? This has nothing to do with support, this has everything to do with greed (and possibly jealousy) on the part of the MIL. 

[Talako 785]

Not sure what exactly what you are looking for here.  Your answers seem to indicate that your ok with the support, and your only issue is ingratitude.  She won't change unless you do something painful.  For you, I don't really have any coping skills to impart as my MIL is amazing.  Some answers:

 

Is the MIL a problem:  Yes

Is the support amount adequate:  Yes

Is the ingratitude uncalled for:  Yes

Is your wife trapped by culture:  Yes

Is a positive cultural trait being weaponized:  Yes

Will this continue be a problem:  Yes

Can you solve the problem:  No

Can your wife solve the problem:  Yes

Does your wife have inner strength for some tough love:  Unknown

 

To be honest, I think your screwed.  People rarely change without any sort of a "come to Jesus moment," and even then, rarely is it permanent.  This will eat at everyone involved until you break from the resentment and conflict.

 

I don't mean to be a Debbie Downer but your stuck unless your wife finds that inner strength and reassess her priorities.

 

 

 

[Prisonmate 93]

36 minutes ago, Talako said:

Not sure what exactly what you are looking for here.  Your answers seem to indicate that your ok with the support, and your only issue is ingratitude.  She won't change unless you do something painful.  For you, I don't really have any coping skills to impart as my MIL is amazing.  Some answers:

 

Is the MIL a problem:  Yes

Is the support amount adequate:  Yes

Is the ingratitude uncalled for:  Yes

Is your wife trapped by culture:  Yes

Is a positive cultural trait being weaponized:  Yes

Will this continue be a problem:  Yes

Can you solve the problem:  No

Can your wife solve the problem:  Yes

Does your wife have inner strength for some tough love:  Unknown

 

To be honest, I think your screwed.  People rarely change without any sort of a "come to Jesus moment," and even then, rarely is it permanent.  This will eat at everyone involved until you break from the resentment and conflict.

 

I don't mean to be a Debbie Downer but your stuck unless your wife finds that inner strength and reassess her priorities.

 

 

 

Thank you for your reply and I agreed with you. I won't suffer but my wife will when I an "in heaven". At that point, if she has not learned, she will be the one suffering.

[Jhay & Cherry 4]

You have to remind the mom that you married her daughter and NOT her. 

It is up to you and your wife to decide what would be SUFFICIENT in order to give VOLUNTARY support. 

When the mom lays some guilt trip to the Daughter, talk it out. discuss everything with THEM. 

Assure them that you two can and will support as BEST as you see fit within REASONS. 

Standards of living the Philippines vary from person to person and let alone from Family to Family. 

The word "obligation" in the Filipino Culture has been out right stretched at times. 

 

Good Luck and may the peace with you always. 

[Prisonmate 93]

10 minutes ago, Jhay & Cherry said:

You have to remind the mom that you married her daughter and NOT her. 

It is up to you and your wife to decide what would be SUFFICIENT in order to give VOLUNTARY support. 

When the mom lays some guilt trip to the Daughter, talk it out. discuss everything with THEM. 

Assure them that you two can and will support as BEST as you see fit within REASONS. 

Standards of living the Philippines vary from person to person and let alone from Family to Family. 

The word "obligation" in the Filipino Culture has been out right stretched at times. 

 

Good Luck and may the peace with you always. 

Thank you for your input. Not all MIL are the same. Some do not need anything from their children and others depend on them for everything. 

[teddy k 35]

Yeah I feel you it never ends,  my in-laws just returned to the Philippines after spending 2+ years with me and they're both in their 70s with health problems so I spent a great deal on them so they get back home and it's only a week and the other vultures are messaging me for help told them all I'm kind of bledd out and don't ask I have enough of my own bills to pay, they think when every American is rich

Edited March 30, 2022 by teddy k
Wanted to add more

[Carpe Vinum 2,327]

This isn't pointed at anyone in particular. I hate to say this but if it got to the point that others were trying to "bleed me dry" and my wife wasn't stepping up to help me handle it I would have to start reassessing my relationship.

[Redro 4,611]

2 minutes ago, Carpe Vinum said:

This isn't pointed at anyone in particular. I hate to say this but if it got to the point that others were trying to "bleed me dry" and my wife wasn't stepping up to help me handle it I would have to start reassessing my relationship.

Everyone's financial situation is different...

Some people believe the man is the breadwinner and should cover all expenses. If the wife works? That's pin money. 

[Carpe Vinum 2,327]

1 minute ago, Kor2USA said:

Everyone's financial situation is different...

Some people believe the man is the breadwinner and should cover all expenses. If the wife works? That's pin money. 

This is true. This is how we see my wife's income. 85% of it goes directly into savings. I was speaking more to the spouse heading off those requests at the source. Like you have talked about in dealing with your family. It is difficult but sometimes necessary.

[Boiler 45,514]

11 minutes ago, Kor2USA said:

Everyone's financial situation is different...

Some people believe the man is the breadwinner and should cover all expenses. If the wife works? That's pin money. 

This is USA and 2022, not 1950. Times have changed. I was listening to NPR yesterday and they were talking about the gender pay gap having reversed in some areas.

[Prisonmate 93]

20 minutes ago, Kor2USA said:

Everyone's financial situation is different...

Some people believe the man is the breadwinner and should cover all expenses. If the wife works? That's pin money. 

I've been told also in the Philippine's Culture, the men is suppose to provide everything. If the wife works, it will be nice but the main breadwinner is the man.