Mother-in-law says US$700 monthly remittance is not enough

[Prisonmate 93]

9 hours ago, RO_AH said:

Hahaha seriously? Here's how it works. She sends her mom what she wants to send and the mom is grateful for every penny her daughter worked for and sent to her.

 

If I gave anything to anyone who was not grateful, that would be the last time I did unless they change.

If this could only be true.  The mother is grateful for whatever amount the daughter sends instead of saying it is not enough. The mother lays a guilt trip to the daughter that she cannot work due to her health.

[Prisonmate 93]

11 hours ago, bren6969 said:

i'd advise your wife to get some therapy for herself, to help her see her mom's manipulation and to help break down some of her guilt, sure there's nothing wrong with helping family, but being a doormat has a huge impact on her self esteem and mental health. if you guys ever split up for any reason, how would she support herself and her family back home? would she starve to feed her family? i think this is some dangerous self destructive behavior. 

since for the mom the amount of money she sends will never be enough, maybe she can discuss with her sisters what would be a fair amount

We won't split up but I will die first since I am older. And when that happens and if she has not learn by then, she won't be financially secure supporting herself in the USA and may move back to the Philippines. Her mother will live to an hundred and the daughters in their seventies will still be sending money back there.

[bren6969 1]

10 minutes ago, Prisonmate said:

We won't split up but I will die first since I am older. And when that happens and if she has not learn by then, she won't be financially secure supporting herself in the USA and may move back to the Philippines. Her mother will live to an hundred and the daughters in their seventies will still be sending money back there.

i'm sorry if it sounded like i was rooting against your relationship, you guys sound like a nice couple that can talk through things.

I feel for you guys, these cultural things are so ingrained in us it must be very hard for your wife to change her way of thinking, especially when her mom treats her like this.

[B_J 2,752]

My wife and I handle money issues a little differently.  We don't look at it as "her" money and "my" money.  It is "our" money and we make the decisions on this together.  To be honest, I will pretty much agree to everything she says because 1, she's good with money and, 2, I'm an idiot.  But she always asks for my input, especially on things like this.

 

Now, to be honest, we send an amount every month that most people would roll their eyes at, but it is the amount that we agree on.  And the decision is ours and ours alone.  Nobody gets to tell us the amount to send.  

 

The issue shouldn't be the dollar amount, the issue should be whether it is what you want to send or not.  If it isn't what she wants to send then the issue should be corrected.  I would suggest your wife telling MIL that you, the husband, won't let her send that much.  If MIL has a problem with that, then she can get on the video chat and discuss it with you.  Most likely MIL won't do that and that might take some of the pressure off your wife.

[Prisonmate 93]

3 hours ago, bren6969 said:

i'm sorry if it sounded like i was rooting against your relationship, you guys sound like a nice couple that can talk through things.

I feel for you guys, these cultural things are so ingrained in us it must be very hard for your wife to change her way of thinking, especially when her mom treats her like this.

No offense taken. Thank you for taking the time to posting your views. It will certainly help others in similar situations. You're right about the cultural things being so ingrained in the children nature to take care of the parents no matter how difficult it is. I can rant on about this all day. LOL

[Mike V 56]

18 hours ago, Prisonmate said:

After this latest event with the MIL, my wife will take pause from communicating with her mother. However, money has to be send as they need money to buy food and pay the utilities.

When I first met my wife, I started covering the living & college expenses for her kids, eventually 4 of them. 

 

My wife owned their house free & clear, so there was no rent or mortgage.

 

$100 per month per person covered covered their living expenses.

 

College expenses in the Philippines run about $100 per month, more for professional majors.

 

$300 a month + rent (if any) would appear to cover what they really need.

[Mike V 56]

6 hours ago, Prisonmate said:

Yes, I  hear you. The culture of supporting the parents is too strong in the Philippines. However, it is mostly the daughters that is supporting the parents and family members.

It's not just cultural; it's also a legal obligation (Philippine "Family Code") that extends to support of grand-parents/children and siblings as well as your own spouse & children.

[JeanneAdil 6,505]

3 minutes ago, Mike V said:

It's not just cultural; it's also a legal obligation (Philippine "Family Code") that extends to support of grand-parents/children and siblings as well as your own spouse & children.

didn't know that

[Soloenta 2,218]

On 3/26/2022 at 9:36 AM, Prisonmate said:

She said to my wife that if my wife surround her with mountains of gold bricks, it would still not be enough to repay her who raised her.

 

That my wife should be grateful that without her, she would not be born and living in the USA if not for her.

 

My widowed mother-in-law dos not work due to health reasons. She is in her mid sixties. Her other daughter living in the USA is buying the house she is living in.  She also said she has to stretch the $700 remittance to make it last all month.

 

I am interested in to hear thoughts from other Filipinas living in the USA or outside the Philippines on this subject matter.

 

Thank you.

  My Phillipine friends  told me to look up average wages. Were shocked $700 wasn't enough since the average wage is around $240.  Only if they were expats would they need from #1000,00 go $1,500 to live how theh were used to in for example the US.  Remember expats and tourists are in general or usually pay more for everything.  Hive her more, she will ask for more sooner than you think.  

🤔🤑

  I would stop paying her for a month. I'm sure she will appreciate the $700 after that.  Just saying.

[Chancy 6,241]

48 minutes ago, Mike V said:

It's not just cultural; it's also a legal obligation (Philippine "Family Code") that extends to support of grand-parents/children and siblings as well as your own spouse & children.

 

The law states only necessities of the recipient, not luxuries.  $700 is more than enough to cover the necessities of one person in the Philippines.

 

[Prisonmate 93]

4 minutes ago, Chancy said:

 

The law states only necessities of the recipient, not luxuries.  $700 is more than enough to cover the necessities of one person in the Philippines.

 

The monthly remittance is for food, utilities, miscellaneous, clothing for mother and two sisters. My wife will send extra when there is a birthday and more for Christmas.

[Prisonmate 93]

18 minutes ago, Soloenta said:

  My Phillipine friends  told me to look up average wages. Were shocked $700 wasn't enough since the average wage is around $240.  Only if they were expats would they need from #1000,00 go $1,500 to live how theh were used to in for example the US.  Remember expats and tourists are in general or usually pay more for everything.  Hive her more, she will ask for more sooner than you think.  

🤔🤑

  I would stop paying her for a month. I'm sure she will appreciate the $700 after that.  Just saying.

If my wife stops sending even for a month or lower the amount, I know she not be able to handle the guilt. Her mother would not stay silence. There would be so much drama that it's not worth it. Sad to say.

[Redro 4,611]

1 hour ago, Prisonmate said:

If my wife stops sending even for a month or lower the amount, I know she not be able to handle the guilt. Her mother would not stay silence. There would be so much drama that it's not worth it. Sad to say.

A few months/ 1-2 years of drama is better than decades of financial obligation that is not sustainable.

 

 

[RO_AH 1,659]

2 hours ago, Prisonmate said:

If my wife stops sending even for a month or lower the amount, I know she not be able to handle the guilt. Her mother would not stay silence. There would be so much drama that it's not worth it. Sad to say.

There is only drama if she reads anything they say. Here is how to handle it. Dear Mom, I cannot handle the stress that you are putting me through because of money. I need to take a break from communication while I try to work on myself. I will send XXX.XX a month to make sure that you have your basic needs taken care of. Other than that I will have zero communication for a 3 month period. I will not read or respond to any massages. I will contact you when I am ready.

 

I know this advice (though the only way to handle the situation) will most likely fall on deaf ears, I decided to give it anyways. Maybe it will help someone else.

 

Bottom line is that these issues need to be discussed long before marriage. If you are marrying a Filipina you MUST learn their culture. I am very lucky that my wife puts me and our family's needs and finances above her family. She had to be strong and wise to break from cultural norms to do so. We take care of needs not wants. Simple as that.

[Carpe Vinum 2,327]

9 hours ago, B_J said:

I'm an idiot. 

I feel you brother)))