Mother-in-law says US$700 monthly remittance is not enough

[Redro 4,611]

11 minutes ago, Prisonmate said:

Good point. However, everyone's financial situation is different.  I knew the monthly remittance was part of the package. My wife has been the bread winner of her family for a long time. There was no way she would cut off her monthly support of the family. I could afford to support both of us without any of her income.

If $700 a month is okay with you fair enough. 

But, if you think it is too much you should chat to your wife about the situation. 

I was sending a good chunk of money home every year to my family before I met my husband ( I wasn't able to save). 

We spoke about our future goals and I had to set a boundary with my family and told them I needed to focus on my future. 

It was an incredibly difficult situation for me. But, I made my relationship with my husband a priority. 

Edited March 27, 2022 by Kor2USA

[Carpe Vinum 2,327]

47 minutes ago, Prisonmate said:

Good point. However, everyone's financial situation is different.  I knew the monthly remittance was part of the package. My wife has been the bread winner of her family for a long time. There was no way she would cut off her monthly support of the family. I could afford to support both of us without any of her income.

We have a limit set on how much we send. It is a small percentage of my wife's income. Maybe 15%. Her older brother chips in as well. We have sponsored other projects like a well and a roof over the three years my wife has been here. Her family never asks for money let alone demand it. I do it because they treat me like family. To each their own. But, I guarantee OP's situation is only going to get worse unless limits are set. I have seen it too many times.

Edited March 27, 2022 by Carpe Vinum

[JeanneAdil 6,505]

13 hours ago, Cyberfx1024 said:

Sorry but your assessment needs to put up boundaries between her and your MIL. That type of thing is a big issue between Filipinos and their families that we had to deal with as well when my wife first came here. Once we set boundaries we send on average about $250 a month unless there was some type major emergency. 

 

We have had to send more the last couple of months to pay for a refrigerator and a death in the family. But overall you wife needs to set boundaries. Also is this her money she is sending or yours?

and family should help with death in family as we did when uncle died but cost ,  again,  is low (not like in the US)

 

He said it was 70% of her income but to me that's the US family's income and  they are paying taxes on 100 % and can' not claim MIL so it hurts family here 

 

Moroccan culture is much the same / kids care for parents in old age

and they live "Walton like" with family members of grandparents,  parents ,  kids and aunts and uncles

the premise was to have lots of kids to take care of u in your old age and there are 6 grown men in Adil's but only adil is educated with 2 years of college ,  another one works, is married with 2 girls and helps like bought a stove for mom,  another is handicapped but the other 3 are worthless 

so,  in our case much of the burden falls on Adil  

If we were struggling with kids of our own,  i think i would resent things but i am stable without help and i knew from beginning that we would be supporting her

and so,  all of us have to understand the cultures,  the responsibilities that are involved when taking on ANY relationship with foreign ties and either set boundaries in the beginning or deal with it

I think it bothers Adil more than me as his grandma and aunt raised him while his mom lived 4 hours away 

 

But OP talk to her and tell her this is troublesome and don't let it break your marriage / its hard to find that right loving person

 

 

Edited March 27, 2022 by JeanneAdil

[Unlockable 7,314]

1 hour ago, Prisonmate said:

Good point. However, everyone's financial situation is different.  I knew the monthly remittance was part of the package. My wife has been the bread winner of her family for a long time. There was no way she would cut off her monthly support of the family. I could afford to support both of us without any of her income.

 

1 hour ago, Prisonmate said:

Yes, she has been feeling the effect of working everyday lately. By chance, her second job working on the weekends has ended. So for now, she will enjoy her weekend to rest. Healthcare is very expensive in the USA but better than what she had in the Philippines. That is another subject I can rant about.

If you have an agreement where she is able to send the money she makes to her mom then that is good. But there is a reason you are here seeking advice. And it may be because you see the entitlement of your MIL getting worse or that she is ungrateful or that one day the figure may get to a point where you and your wife can't afford. Regardless, something is bothering you to the point where you are seeking advice here so this needs to be a conversation to have with her once you figure it out.

 

But one thing I want to point out. Your wife may be working for the money she sends to her mother, but she would not be able to send so much without you paying for both your bills. Do not downplay your role in this by thinking your wife is doing this all by herself. If she did not have you to financially support the household, she would have a difficult time sending her mother that much money. And it also brings to question that if your wife was alone with 2 jobs, her own place, and all bills to pay for herself, would her mother be guilt tripping her into send more money? Not to mention that your wife is feeling the effects of working the 2 jobs. So she is busting her butt to satisfy her mother. And her mother is still acting like it is not enough. The quote I stated about setting yourself on fire to keep others warm was not just for you. 

[JeanneAdil 6,505]

have u thought to file I 130 to bring her here/ could be cheaper than sending money there /  seems like $700 a month would cover her health care insurance and the extra food?

If my MIL 's visit this summer goes good we may file for her after she returns to Moroc

My thinking only 

[MarJhi 962]

22 hours ago, Prisonmate said:

She said to my wife that if my wife surround her with mountains of gold bricks, it would still not be enough to repay her who raised her.

This says all you need to know.

 

If the "debt" can never be repaid, then why bother repaying it? It's a no-win situation

 

$700 is currently enough, $1000 wont be enough, $2000 wont be enough. 

 

Tell her to apologize to her children and learn to appreciate their generosity. If she cannot, cut her off.

[MarJhi 962]

When we first discussed marriage and the issue of her very large family one day asking for financial help, I told my fiance we can do one of 2 things. We can help a large number of people a tiny bit, or we can help a tiny number of people a lot. These discussions need to take place before marriage so that there is no confusion later on. 

[Redro 4,611]

19 minutes ago, MarJhi said:

When we first discussed marriage and the issue of her very large family one day asking for financial help, I told my fiance we can do one of 2 things. We can help a large number of people a tiny bit, or we can help a tiny number of people a lot. These discussions need to take place before marriage so that there is no confusion later on. 

They need to take place before marriage but you also need to be aware situations change and you have to re-evaluate the situation at least every other year (our  timeline: we discuss our financial situation whenever circumstances change).

And prioritize your finances in the US over helping family back home (regardless of the number of people you are supporting). 

Edited March 27, 2022 by Kor2USA

[Prisonmate 93]

27 minutes ago, MarJhi said:

When we first discussed marriage and the issue of her very large family one day asking for financial help, I told my fiance we can do one of 2 things. We can help a large number of people a tiny bit, or we can help a tiny number of people a lot. These discussions need to take place before marriage so that there is no confusion later on. 

Excellent advise for everyone.  I think Finance is the #1 issues in every marriages.  Different salaries, different background, different priorities can cause financial problems.

[MarJhi 962]

7 minutes ago, Kor2USA said:

They need to take place before marriage but you also need to be aware situations change and you have to re-evaluate the situation at least every other year (our  timeline: we discuss our financial situation whenever circumstances change).

And prioritize your finances in the US over helping family back home (regardless of the number of people you are supporting). 

Exactly, and when everyone in her family was essentially locked out of work for 8 months during the pandemic we adjusted the level of assistance, and when they went back to work we went back to the way it was before. There is this notion that all Americans are rich and can easily afford to provide for a large extended family in the spouses home country (wherever that may be) . Fortunately my fiance understands that while the income levels are higher here in the US, the cost of living is higher as well. If you try to help everyone, you wont be able to help anyone because you will go broke.

[Prisonmate 93]

40 minutes ago, MarJhi said:

This says all you need to know.

 

If the "debt" can never be repaid, then why bother repaying it? It's a no-win situation

 

$700 is currently enough, $1000 wont be enough, $2000 wont be enough. 

 

Tell her to apologize to her children and learn to appreciate their generosity. If she cannot, cut her off.

Very true with what you wrote about the debt can never be re-paid. Logical and common sense. However, very difficult to cut off the MIL, weather I like it or not, she is still family.

[MarJhi 962]

1 minute ago, Prisonmate said:

Very true with what you wrote about the debt can never be re-paid. Logical and common sense. However, very difficult to cut off the MIL, weather I like it or not, she is still family.

Well good luck with that then. She is not acting like she cares as much about "family" as you do. The number 1 reason for divorce in the United States is finances, and your MIL will eventually drive a wedge (or attempt to) between you and your wife over money. At what point do you and your wife set a cap on a monthly allowance for the MIL? 

[Prisonmate 93]

1 hour ago, JeanneAdil said:

have u thought to file I 130 to bring her here/ could be cheaper than sending money there /  seems like $700 a month would cover her health care insurance and the extra food?

If my MIL 's visit this summer goes good we may file for her after she returns to Moroc

My thinking only 

LOL, the last thing I need is the MIL living under the same roof as my wife and I.

[Prisonmate 93]

1 hour ago, Unlockable said:

 

If you have an agreement where she is able to send the money she makes to her mom then that is good. But there is a reason you are here seeking advice. And it may be because you see the entitlement of your MIL getting worse or that she is ungrateful or that one day the figure may get to a point where you and your wife can't afford. Regardless, something is bothering you to the point where you are seeking advice here so this needs to be a conversation to have with her once you figure it out.

 

But one thing I want to point out. Your wife may be working for the money she sends to her mother, but she would not be able to send so much without you paying for both your bills. Do not downplay your role in this by thinking your wife is doing this all by herself. If she did not have you to financially support the household, she would have a difficult time sending her mother that much money. And it also brings to question that if your wife was alone with 2 jobs, her own place, and all bills to pay for herself, would her mother be guilt tripping her into send more money? Not to mention that your wife is feeling the effects of working the 2 jobs. So she is busting her butt to satisfy her mother. And her mother is still acting like it is not enough. The quote I stated about setting yourself on fire to keep others warm was not just for you. 

Thank you for your words of wisdom. I hear you.

[Prisonmate 93]

21 minutes ago, MarJhi said:

Well good luck with that then. She is not acting like she cares as much about "family" as you do. The number 1 reason for divorce in the United States is finances, and your MIL will eventually drive a wedge (or attempt to) between you and your wife over money. At what point do you and your wife set a cap on a monthly allowance for the MIL? 

It's my wife's money so I will let her decide. In reality, because of her culture and personality, she will always take care of her mother, no matter how her mother treats her.