Mother-in-law says US$700 monthly remittance is not enough

[Prisonmate 93]

1 hour ago, Gee2021 said:

Im a filipina and married to a white guy. Before I married my husband I told him what he's getting into in terms of the culture part supporting my family. At the same time, I told my parents and family I'm ONLY gonna help them if I'm able, if it's within our means, and after we pay our own bills. I think there should be a balance because we can never get rid of that culture of paying our family and parents back. But at the same time the family should not be demanding. And if necessary, I will make things right by telling my parents it's too much and I don't want to support them anymore because they're being so ungrateful and demanding. So that being said it's really up to you and your wife, for me $700 per month is A LOT! To give you an idea a regular job will make you around $200-$300 per month depending on which location in the Philippines, and if you work in the government which we view it as "the stable job" then you get around $400-600 per month. 
 

I bought my family a car and give them money here and there so I probably spent around $500-$1000 per month but that's because me and my husband's work is better now.

 

But 4 years ago we only sent them around $100-$200 a month because we struggled financially. 
 

For me if my parent/s is that toxic and demanding? I'm sorry I probably won't cut her off but instead of her $700 demand per month I'll probably send her $100 a month. I don't know it's just me. I love my family and parents so much but there's a fine line between RESPECT and TOXIC BEHAVIOR. 

Thank you for your reply. I agreed with you and I wish my wife would do the same but she would feel too guilty to lower the amount of the remittance. I just wish my MIL would just appreciate how much her daughters are doing for her.

[Prisonmate 93]

35 minutes ago, Misscloud said:

Happened to me. I’m from South Asia third world country as well. My relationship with my mother who divorced with my dad ( my dad raised me ) when i was 4 is not great. She always used the guilt trip : 

“I almost died when I gave u birth”

”give me grand children”

”give me money”

”god will send u to hell because you don’t want to help me “ 

 

didn’t work with me. I cut her lost and only send money IF I want to and have the mood for. I actually just sent her money 3 days ago because she begged for it and can’t pay for her housing. I feel sorry and sent her some money. And I asked her if she can send me a food recipe that she’s so proud of. She doesn’t want to give it to me. She gave me so much excuse for A recipe !!! 
 

have to have steel mentality because my mother always calling my cousins from my dad’s side and looked for pity and talked bad about me to them. Everyone always believed her because mother is older ( Asian culture = have to listen to your elder  ) so we have to bow down for everything that she said. Cousins learned now days not to judge me or I told them to back of. 
 

do whatever you want to do and block all that “noises” 

Thank you for your reply. I wish I can send my wife to you for some lessons on being strong. LOL  Yes, we can still love our parents without being taken advantage of.

[Boiler 44,943]

Presumably her 2 sisters work?

[SalishSea 17,506]

2 hours ago, Prisonmate said:

I think in every culture there are a few parents that lives off their children and lay a guilt trip on their children. 

 

I'm a parent and I would never say to my children they owe me everything just because I raised them. My parents would go out of their way not to inconvenient me and always gave me financial help even if I don't need it. 

 

 

I think you need to consider the cultural expectations when you choose to marry and bring an immigrant from a third world country.  It is not at all uncommon that the expectation is that they support relatives back home with US-earned wages.

[Prisonmate 93]

52 minutes ago, Jorgedig said:

I think you need to consider the cultural expectations when you choose to marry and bring an immigrant from a third world country.  It is not at all uncommon that the expectation is that they support relatives back home with US-earned wages.

Yes, I knew and expected my wife would support her mother when she came to the USA.  My eyes were wide open when I married her.  I didn't expect my wife's mother to be so ungrateful. Or am I expecting too much?

[Prisonmate 93]

1 hour ago, Boiler said:

Presumably her 2 sisters work?

One sister is working making about 23,000 pesos per month and the other one is starting college that I am paying for. I was told by my wife, 25K is not enough to live on with her transportation costs, personal living expenses and her two pet dogs.

[Unlockable 7,314]

26 minutes ago, Prisonmate said:

Yes, I knew and expected my wife would support her mother when she came to the USA.  My eyes were wide open when I married her.  I didn't expect my wife's mother to be so ungrateful. Or am I expecting too much?

 

1 hour ago, Prisonmate said:

Thank you for your reply. I wish I can send my wife to you for some lessons on being strong. LOL  Yes, we can still love our parents without being taken advantage of.

 

22 minutes ago, Prisonmate said:

One sister is working making about 23,000 pesos per month and the other one is starting college that I am paying for. I was told by my wife, 25K is not enough to live on with her transportation costs, personal living expenses and her two pet dogs.

@Prisonmate,

 

You have gotten great advice from some of our valued VJ members. Even members who are Filipinos themselves chimed in. But I want to add something for you. The real issue is not with your mother-in-law, the issue is your wife... or to better put it.... how your wife handles your mother-in-law. Your posts reminds me of a similar story on VJ years ago. I am going off vague memory here so it may not be 100% accurate. But if I can recall, there was a US citizen who married a Filipina whose family back in her country would constantly beg for money. It wasn't a problem in the beginning but whatever they sent was never enough. Not to mention there were numerous family that was asking for money... parents, siblings, cousins and anyone else you can think of. At one point the husband told his wife it had to stop, but her family placed a lot of guilt on her. Eventually,  his wife started sneaking money out of their accounts to send her family. It got so bad that they did not have enough to pay their own mortgage. And to make matters worse, they had a new baby to take care of. He had to cut his wife off from their accounts and contact his wife's family himself to tell them that enough was enough.

 

I am sharing that story because this issue is a very real conversation you have to have with your wife as soon as possible. As you can tell buy other members on here, your story is not unique at all. We have seen this before. And sometimes with devastating endings. Heck, if you ever had a lot of time on your hands you can search the Effects of Major Family Changes on Immigration Benefits section of VJ and come across dozens of stories like yours. And on a personal level, I have seen relationships end of this very thing.

 

The problem is that some sons and daughters are so mentally and emotionally influenced by their parents that they would risk their own house and home to appease them. We have even seen relationships sour as a result. You may be able to mitigate this by talking to your wife and possibly coming up with a budget for her mom. But your wife has to be the one that has to manage the expectations and entitlements of her mother. Because her mom may want $700 now but that number may will increase in a few months or next year.

 

Again, you need to sit down with your wife and explain how you feel about this and show her how much cost of living is in America. If this is not sustainable and you and your family will eventually end up in financial turmoil, this is a big issue. We understand that this is a cultural thing, but it also could be a issue of your wife not having a thorough understanding of finances and expensive. Especially in an expensive country like the US. You have native Filipinos who are coming in this thread to break down cost of living over there for you. So that is something you can use to your knowledge. If you need outside help on how to approach this, do not hesitate to do more research, seek advice of friends/family, and maybe continue to ask questions here. But you have make sure you and your wife come to an understanding without outside influence.

 

One of the best phrases I have ever heard was.... "Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm."

 

I hope it works out for you.

[RUJEN 140]

I am curious how the mother in law survived before her daughter came to America?

 

$700.00 a month is unheard of to me.

For 2 years while we were going through the process, I would send my fiancee $200 a month and she lived like a queen.At $200 per month she lived very well and even had enough to paint her house and put a new roof on it among other projects. just my .02

[Adventine 3,189]

@Unlockable identified the core issue: the real problem is the relationship between your wife and your mother-in-law. Your MIL is taking advantage of your wife's generosity and your wife tolerates being talked to like that, in the name of "respect" and "love." That isn't motherly love when your MIL says your wife can never repay her for giving her life. That's manipulation.

 

 

For a healthy relationship to exist, your wife has to know her boundaries and she has to have the inner strength to enforce them. 

 

Some suggestions for enforcing boundaries: going low-or no-contact with family, paying bills directly, (ex. online bill payment for utilities and groceries), and automatically stopping all support if your MIL is rude or threatening.

Edited March 26, 2022 by Adventine

[Steve2022 41]

First thing I'd do is make sure that your MIL actually said this, and it wasn't just a different family member saying this through an app.   And if it was said through an app, I think you can just ignore it until such words are said without shame face to face through video chat. 

Edited March 27, 2022 by Steve2022

[JeanneAdil 6,400]

if this was me

i would tell my wife "things have to change or i get a new MIL

[Boiler 44,943]

4 hours ago, Prisonmate said:

One sister is working making about 23,000 pesos per month and the other one is starting college that I am paying for. I was told by my wife, 25K is not enough to live on with her transportation costs, personal living expenses and her two pet dogs.

If a friend told you this, that you were doing this, what would you say?

[Cyberfx1024 7,980]

8 hours ago, Prisonmate said:

She said to my wife that if my wife surround her with mountains of gold bricks, it would still not be enough to repay her who raised her.

 

That my wife should be grateful that without her, she would not be born and living in the USA if not for her.

 

My widowed mother-in-law dos not work due to health reasons. She is in her mid sixties. Her other daughter living in the USA is buying the house she is living in.  She also said she has to stretch the $700 remittance to make it last all month.

 

I am interested in to hear thoughts from other Filipinas living in the USA or outside the Philippines on this subject matter.

 

Thank you.

Sorry but your assessment needs to put up boundaries between her and your MIL. That type of thing is a big issue between Filipinos and their families that we had to deal with as well when my wife first came here. Once we set boundaries we send on average about $250 a month unless there was some type major emergency. 

 

We have had to send more the last couple of months to pay for a refrigerator and a death in the family. But overall you wife needs to set boundaries. Also is this her money she is sending or yours?

[Prisonmate 93]

3 hours ago, Unlockable said:

 

 

@Prisonmate,

 

You have gotten great advice from some of our valued VJ members. Even members who are Filipinos themselves chimed in. But I want to add something for you. The real issue is not with your mother-in-law, the issue is your wife... or to better put it.... how your wife handles your mother-in-law. Your posts reminds me of a similar story on VJ years ago. I am going off vague memory here so it may not be 100% accurate. But if I can recall, there was a US citizen who married a Filipina whose family back in her country would constantly beg for money. It wasn't a problem in the beginning but whatever they sent was never enough. Not to mention there were numerous family that was asking for money... parents, siblings, cousins and anyone else you can think of. At one point the husband told his wife it had to stop, but her family placed a lot of guilt on her. Eventually,  his wife started sneaking money out of their accounts to send her family. It got so bad that they did not have enough to pay their own mortgage. And to make matters worse, they had a new baby to take care of. He had to cut his wife off from their accounts and contact his wife's family himself to tell them that enough was enough.

 

I am sharing that story because this issue is a very real conversation you have to have with your wife as soon as possible. As you can tell buy other members on here, your story is not unique at all. We have seen this before. And sometimes with devastating endings. Heck, if you ever had a lot of time on your hands you can search the Effects of Major Family Changes on Immigration Benefits section of VJ and come across dozens of stories like yours. And on a personal level, I have seen relationships end of this very thing.

 

The problem is that some sons and daughters are so mentally and emotionally influenced by their parents that they would risk their own house and home to appease them. We have even seen relationships sour as a result. You may be able to mitigate this by talking to your wife and possibly coming up with a budget for her mom. But your wife has to be the one that has to manage the expectations and entitlements of her mother. Because her mom may want $700 now but that number may will increase in a few months or next year.

 

Again, you need to sit down with your wife and explain how you feel about this and show her how much cost of living is in America. If this is not sustainable and you and your family will eventually end up in financial turmoil, this is a big issue. We understand that this is a cultural thing, but it also could be a issue of your wife not having a thorough understanding of finances and expensive. Especially in an expensive country like the US. You have native Filipinos who are coming in this thread to break down cost of living over there for you. So that is something you can use to your knowledge. If you need outside help on how to approach this, do not hesitate to do more research, seek advice of friends/family, and maybe continue to ask questions here. But you have make sure you and your wife come to an understanding without outside influence.

 

One of the best phrases I have ever heard was.... "Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm."

 

I hope it works out for you.

Thank you for replying. It is much appreciated. I am sure other readers in the same situations will benefit from your reply.

[Prisonmate 93]

2 hours ago, RUJEN said:

I am curious how the mother in law survived before her daughter came to America?

 

$700.00 a month is unheard of to me.

For 2 years while we were going through the process, I would send my fiancee $200 a month and she lived like a queen.At $200 per month she lived very well and even had enough to paint her house and put a new roof on it among other projects. just my .02

My wife had a very good job in the Philippines before she left the country. She is the eldest of the siblings and contribute to the sibling's higher education. So my wife has always supported her mother with the help of the second sister.