Mother-in-law says US$700 monthly remittance is not enough

[Prisonmate 93]

She said to my wife that if my wife surround her with mountains of gold bricks, it would still not be enough to repay her who raised her.

 

That my wife should be grateful that without her, she would not be born and living in the USA if not for her.

 

My widowed mother-in-law dos not work due to health reasons. She is in her mid sixties. Her other daughter living in the USA is buying the house she is living in.  She also said she has to stretch the $700 remittance to make it last all month.

 

I am interested in to hear thoughts from other Filipinas living in the USA or outside the Philippines on this subject matter.

 

Thank you.

Edited March 26, 2022 by Prisonmate
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[Boiler 45,510]

This is a very common subject plenty of prior threads

 

Seems like you have signed up to be her pension, at least she is not in the US

 

As to the amount well that depends on one’s standard of living

[Timona 4,207]

$700 is a lot of money in third world country like Philippines. This was my monthly paycheck, after taxes, from a gas station that I used to work at for 30 hours a week while at University.

 

Engineers with 8 years experience earn $1000 per month in Kenya. Your MIL isn't even an engineer. 

 

What I think is happening is she now wants to maintain and show upscale status in the neighborhood being that her children are in the US. This is so common amongst parents in third world countries whose children are abroad. They demand, even if they did not even pay a single dollar to get you to US. Basically, your struggles got you to US and when they (parents) woke up and realized that you're in US, they now start using you as pension. 

 

Well, cut the ungrateful person off. Let her stretch $0. You and your wife owe her nothing. Birthing someone shouldn't guarantee entitlement. Your wife didn't ask them to birth her nor for them to engage in Adam and Eve, the scenario that brought her to existence. The highlighted should be your wife' clap back to her mom, should MIL entitlement reach unbearable levels. 

 

 I loathe such kind of mentality. 

Edited March 26, 2022 by Timona

[Timona 4,207]

To add, there is also this stigma that your parents will disown and curse you if you don't do as they say amongst people in third world countries. Well, I'm 100% sure that there are no people in this world with mystic powers. If I had such, why wait a month for $700 while I can make $70000 a day selling my talent...tv shows, people paying directly etc. This is the same as those witch doctors asking you to pay $700 to make $70000. If they have the powers, why not make themselves or do the society a solid by making the whole neighborhood better economically? 

[Prisonmate 93]

I think in every culture there are a few parents that lives off their children and lay a guilt trip on their children. 

 

I'm a parent and I would never say to my children they owe me everything just because I raised them. My parents would go out of their way not to inconvenient me and always gave me financial help even if I don't need it. 

 

 

[Adventine 3,196]

It's emotional blackmail, preying on the Filipino mentality of putting family first.

 

@Timona accurately described what happens to some parents whose kids make it to the US. That $700 remittance is likely being used to keep up appearances to local friends and family. 

 

I am a Filipina. I also despise such behavior. If my parents ever said anything like that to me, I would cut off communication pronto. And to underscore my point, I would stop the money transfers. If they apologized, I would restart sending them a bag of rice a month. 

 

Your wife needs to draw firmer boundaries or the behavior is never going to stop. Filipinos have an extremely hard time saying No, especially to family, so the two of you need to be fully aligned with what is and is not acceptable financial support.

[MarJhi 962]

58 minutes ago, Prisonmate said:

She said to my wife that if my wife surround her with mountains of gold bricks, it would still not be enough to repay her who raised her.

 

That my wife should be grateful that without her, she would not be born and living in the USA if not for her.

 

My widowed mother-in-law dos not work due to health reasons. She is in her mid sixties. Her other daughter living in the USA is buying the house she is living in.  She also said she has to stretch the $700 remittance to make it last all month.

 

I am interested in to hear thoughts from other Filipinas living in the USA or outside the Philippines on this subject matter.

 

Thank you.

My fiance (still waiting on NOA2) is still in the Philippines. Here is a breakdown of her monthly expenses, and she is living comfortably.

 

Her rent for a clean 2 bedroom in a nice, decent neighborhood in Makati is $260 per month. 

 

Electricity and gas bill totals another $100 per month on the high end. 

 

Food I am not 100% sure because she has 6 to 8 family members living with her, but by herself it wouldn't be much, she loves to cook and she doesn't like to eat out because she knows she can cook a better quality meal for a lot less. If she would spend more than $150 a month on food I would be surprised, but I will throw that number in just to be on the safe side.

 

Miscellaneous expenses like transportation and load for her phone, probably not more than $40 per month.

 

Add all of this together and we are looking at $550 per month, and that is on the HIGH END for her and that food budget feeds a large group. I think maybe your mother in law may have high living standards or may even want to show off to her friends. If my fiance can live and eat pretty good with 6 to 8 people living with her at any time for $550 a month then there is no reason your mother in law can't live well by herself on $700. If anything you should give her a pay cut😁

 

**By the way, I know all of these numbers because for 8 or 9 months they were all out of work because they were locked down completely, then again for another few months later on. I took care of the expenses until they returned to work and she gave me a meticulous accounting of every peso that was spent, showed me every receipt.**

[iwannaplay54 985]

1 hour ago, Prisonmate said:

She said to my wife that if my wife surround her with mountains of gold bricks, it would still not be enough to repay her who raised her.

 

That my wife should be grateful that without her, she would not be born and living in the USA if not for her.

 

My widowed mother-in-law dos not work due to health reasons. She is in her mid sixties. Her other daughter living in the USA is buying the house she is living in.  She also said she has to stretch the $700 remittance to make it last all month.

 

I am interested in to hear thoughts from other Filipinas living in the USA or outside the Philippines on this subject matter.

 

Thank you.

This won’t cut it in any country or culture.  Tell her to suck wind.  The time to cut this kind of BS off is now.

 

You need to politely advise your MIL this is a marriage not a purchase.  I don’t understand why in a few cases these parents treat their children as coin banks.  You don’t owe this family a dime.  Your job is to take care of your wife and family.

[Carpe Vinum 2,327]

Oh Boy...If you don't get control of this quickly your life is going to be painful. A lot of this depends on how strong your wife is. $700 a month is 35000 pesos a month. That's more than a decent salary there.

[Gee2021 44]

1 hour ago, Prisonmate said:

She said to my wife that if my wife surround her with mountains of gold bricks, it would still not be enough to repay her who raised her.

 

That my wife should be grateful that without her, she would not be born and living in the USA if not for her.

 

My widowed mother-in-law dos not work due to health reasons. She is in her mid sixties. Her other daughter living in the USA is buying the house she is living in.  She also said she has to stretch the $700 remittance to make it last all month.

 

I am interested in to hear thoughts from other Filipinas living in the USA or outside the Philippines on this subject matter.

 

Thank you.

Im a filipina and married to a white guy. Before I married my husband I told him what he's getting into in terms of the culture part supporting my family. At the same time, I told my parents and family I'm ONLY gonna help them if I'm able, if it's within our means, and after we pay our own bills. I think there should be a balance because we can never get rid of that culture of paying our family and parents back. But at the same time the family should not be demanding. And if necessary, I will make things right by telling my parents it's too much and I don't want to support them anymore because they're being so ungrateful and demanding. So that being said it's really up to you and your wife, for me $700 per month is A LOT! To give you an idea a regular job will make you around $200-$300 per month depending on which location in the Philippines, and if you work in the government which we view it as "the stable job" then you get around $400-600 per month. 
 

I bought my family a car and give them money here and there so I probably spent around $500-$1000 per month but that's because me and my husband's work is better now.

 

But 4 years ago we only sent them around $100-$200 a month because we struggled financially. 
 

For me if my parent/s is that toxic and demanding? I'm sorry I probably won't cut her off but instead of her $700 demand per month I'll probably send her $100 a month. I don't know it's just me. I love my family and parents so much but there's a fine line between RESPECT and TOXIC BEHAVIOR. 

[iwannaplay54 985]

We’ve stepped up for my inlaws for years, but we decide what we can and cannot do.  I get a demand for something like that and I’ll surround the house with a mountain of something else.

[Verrou 1,962]

1 hour ago, Prisonmate said:

I think in every culture there are a few parents that lives off their children and lay a guilt trip on their children. 

 

I'm a parent and I would never say to my children they owe me everything just because I raised them. My parents would go out of their way not to inconvenient me and always gave me financial help even if I don't need it. 

 

 

Happened to me. I’m from South Asia third world country as well. My relationship with my mother who divorced with my dad ( my dad raised me ) when i was 4 is not great. She always used the guilt trip : 

“I almost died when I gave u birth”

”give me grand children”

”give me money”

”god will send u to hell because you don’t want to help me “ 

 

didn’t work with me. I cut her lost and only send money IF I want to and have the mood for. I actually just sent her money 3 days ago because she begged for it and can’t pay for her housing. I feel sorry and sent her some money. And I asked her if she can send me a food recipe that she’s so proud of. She doesn’t want to give it to me. She gave me so much excuse for A recipe !!! 
 

have to have steel mentality because my mother always calling my cousins from my dad’s side and looked for pity and talked bad about me to them. Everyone always believed her because mother is older ( Asian culture = have to listen to your elder  ) so we have to bow down for everything that she said. Cousins learned now days not to judge me or I told them to back of. 
 

do whatever you want to do and block all that “noises” 

Edited March 26, 2022 by Misscloud

[Prisonmate 93]

1 hour ago, Adventine said:

It's emotional blackmail, preying on the Filipino mentality of putting family first.

 

@Timona accurately described what happens to some parents whose kids make it to the US. That $700 remittance is likely being used to keep up appearances to local friends and family. 

 

I am a Filipina. I also despise such behavior. If my parents ever said anything like that to me, I would cut off communication pronto. And to underscore my point, I would stop the money transfers. If they apologized, I would restart sending them a bag of rice a month. 

 

Your wife needs to draw firmer boundaries or the behavior is never going to stop. Filipinos have an extremely hard time saying No, especially to family, so the two of you need to be fully aligned with what is and is not acceptable financial support.

My wife loves her mom too much to cut her off. I do understand what you are saying.  My wife has always been supporting her mother and siblings ever since she started working. I don't want to cut off the relationship between mother and daughter. I just wish there was a way to tell my mother in law that her way of thinking is wrong.  Her daughter is grateful to her mother but don't make the daughter feel like she needs to pay for the rest of her life. Especially when 70% of her income goes to the monthly remittance.

[JeanneAdil 6,505]

from experience i do know when your wife will realize that she sends too much and payments will be cut down

 

its when she returns for a visit home and sees the mom with something new that she ,  your wife , can not afford 

like new or better clothes or a TV , etc 

 

its only when the immigrant realizes everyone now thinks of them a a rich American and takes advantage of that that things change

we help  MIL  we help a lot but if anyone says "you gotta send more money,  it doesn't fly 

and anyone else asks.   Forget it 

Adil did a lot to help many family members  1st 2 years/ but he didn't like being used

 

Adil supported family of 9 in moroc on $200 a month  (2 aunts,  1 neice,  3 brothers,  mom,  1 uncle and himself)

Edited March 26, 2022 by JeanneAdil

[Prisonmate 93]

1 hour ago, MarJhi said:

My fiance (still waiting on NOA2) is still in the Philippines. Here is a breakdown of her monthly expenses, and she is living comfortably.

 

Her rent for a clean 2 bedroom in a nice, decent neighborhood in Makati is $260 per month. 

 

Electricity and gas bill totals another $100 per month on the high end. 

 

Food I am not 100% sure because she has 6 to 8 family members living with her, but by herself it wouldn't be much, she loves to cook and she doesn't like to eat out because she knows she can cook a better quality meal for a lot less. If she would spend more than $150 a month on food I would be surprised, but I will throw that number in just to be on the safe side.

 

Miscellaneous expenses like transportation and load for her phone, probably not more than $40 per month.

 

Add all of this together and we are looking at $550 per month, and that is on the HIGH END for her and that food budget feeds a large group. I think maybe your mother in law may have high living standards or may even want to show off to her friends. If my fiance can live and eat pretty good with 6 to 8 people living with her at any time for $550 a month then there is no reason your mother in law can't live well by herself on $700. If anything you should give her a pay cut😁

 

**By the way, I know all of these numbers because for 8 or 9 months they were all out of work because they were locked down completely, then again for another few months later on. I took care of the expenses until they returned to work and she gave me a meticulous accounting of every peso that was spent, showed me every receipt.**

Yes, the numbers sounds right. There is no rent as the other sister is paying the mortgage. There is the mother and two younger sisters living with the mother so three in the household. I know expenses has been going up in the Philippines due to the lock down and Covid pandemic. Plus there are always unexpected expenses to help extended family members.