Culture Based Narcissism?

[little immigrant 801]

Hi I'm the immigrant. My ex husband, the USC, was narcissistic. He gaslit me and manipulated me. He enabled his mom to do the same. Narcissists can come from any country imo

[LionessDeon 2,060]

17 minutes ago, little immigrant said:

Hi I'm the immigrant. My ex husband, the USC, was narcissistic. He gaslit me and manipulated me. He enabled his mom to do the same. Narcissists can come from any country imo

Oh yes they do indeed. I’ve read several posts about narcissistic USC bring spouses over here and abusing them.  The unsuspecting victim can come from both sides in any country. Thank you for sharing this. We all need to be aware. I hope you are healing and finding the help you need. 

[JohnSebastien 9]

I am sorry you that you had a bad experience and thank you for sharing this with us so we can all keep an eye out. I would like to suggest to you that even though you had to endure this terribly unpleasant ordeal, your ex-husband is the ultimate loser. Good people perform acts of kindness in good faith and they frequently - as a consequence of their benevolent and generous natures - extend them to those who are undeserving. In such instances, life has taught me that letting go is by far the best option and that the pursuit of vengeance - however gratifying in the short term - ultimately begets unease and discomfort in the long term since vengeance is against the very essence of who we are. I don't know your ex-husband, he may well be a narcissist, that is, he may possess narcissistic personality traits or he might be inflicted with full-fledged NPD - the former and latter, as I am sure you are already aware, are quite different.  He may also just be an individual without a moral compass. I had a terrible experience recently with an ex-partner and I was looking for answers too. I did a lot of research online and concluded that she had a Cluster B personality disorder. In retrospect, she may or may not have had the disorder. I am not a psychotherapist and despite my extensive research on the disorder (whose markers seemed an excellent match) I am ill-qualified to diagnose her condition. So instead of focusing on labelling her - in my attempts to come to some sort of understanding as to reasons behind the hurt she caused me (and perhaps some closure), I ultimately realized that the only way to heal was to focus on myself and to let her and her "disorder" go. No amount of research on the topic was going to help me heal and overcome. No amount of understanding was going to help to me attain closure in any capacity. Closure and healing would emanate from directing my efforts inwards as opposed to outwards in form of therapy, meditation, exercise, intellectual engagement, maintaining a positive and supportive social circle, professional advancement etc. I hope you understand that my intention is not to diminish your pain and sense of betrayal but rather to have you conserve your effort and energy by forgoing the desire for vengeance and getting even in the interest of refocusing you on you such that you can get to that place of healing sooner. Best of luck to you!

Edited March 16, 2022 by JohnSebastien

[DMA 8]

Sending you a PM. 

[Redro 4,611]

I think it is really important for both the USC and the foreign national to be aware of the possible issues when you marry someone you've only ever spent time with online and on vacation.

Meeting and marrying a narcissist is one problem, but you can also marry an abusive, controlling spouse and not see the red flags until you live together. 

It might also be the simple issue of not really being compatible in day to day life. 

 

But, most people are in love and won't listen to warnings.

 

So often the questions raised by members is "How fast can I bring my partner to the US?"

Not

"How do I navigate a relationship with someone from a different country/culture?"

"How do I prepare my partner for the realities of living in the US?"

"How do we navigate the difficult conversations around financial responsibilities towards family back home, frequency of visits back home and building our new life together in the US?" 

 

@LionessDeon I am so sorry you fell victim to this person and I hope the outcomes of your actions are satisfactory,  you're able to heal from the hurt. And I wish you health and happiness going forward. 

 

[Nat&Amy 623]

19 minutes ago, Kor2USA said:

I think it is really important for both the USC and the foreign national to be aware of the possible issues when you marry someone you've only ever spent time with online and on vacation.

Meeting and marrying a narcissist is one problem, but you can also marry an abusive, controlling spouse and not see the red flags until you live together. 

It might also be the simple issue of not really being compatible in day to day life. 

 

But, most people are in love and won't listen to warnings.

 

So often the questions raised by members is "How fast can I bring my partner to the US?"

Not

"How do I navigate a relationship with someone from a different country/culture?"

"How do I prepare my partner for the realities of living in the US?"

"How do we navigate the difficult conversations around financial responsibilities towards family back home, frequency of visits back home and building our new life together in the US?" 

 

@LionessDeon I am so sorry you fell victim to this person and I hope the outcomes of your actions are satisfactory,  you're able to heal from the hurt. And I wish you health and happiness going forward. 

 

Yes to all of this ^^^^^^

[carmel34 3,650]

20 hours ago, LionessDeon said:

Being in a long distance relationship makes it very difficult to really know a person’s true character and intentions because of the limited time spent in person. It’s so easy for these people to hide their real self and create a fake persona of who you want them to be.

Sorry to hear that your marriage ended like this, it must have been very painful for you after so many years and emotional investment.  All relationships have challenges to overcome, sometimes they work out, sometimes they don't, for all kinds of reasons.  Meeting and falling in love with someone from another country adds so many levels of complexity:  the long distance period, different cultures, religions, and often languages, the questions about the foreign partner's true intentions, and many others.  Thank you for sharing your experience, hopefully it will help others to be careful, to spend lots of time in person, and not rush into marriage and US immigration.  All the best in your journey going forward and your healing process.

[LionessDeon 2,060]

8 hours ago, JohnSebastien said:

I am sorry you that you had a bad experience and thank you for sharing this with us so we can all keep an eye out. I would like to suggest to you that even though you had to endure this terribly unpleasant ordeal, your ex-husband is the ultimate loser. Good people perform acts of kindness in good faith and they frequently - as a consequence of their benevolent and generous natures - extend them to those who are undeserving. In such instances, life has taught me that letting go is by far the best option and that the pursuit of vengeance - however gratifying in the short term - ultimately begets unease and discomfort in the long term since vengeance is against the very essence of who we are. I don't know your ex-husband, he may well be a narcissist, that is, he may possess narcissistic personality traits or he might be inflicted with full-fledged NPD - the former and latter, as I am sure you are already aware, are quite different.  He may also just be an individual without a moral compass. I had a terrible experience recently with an ex-partner and I was looking for answers too. I did a lot of research online and concluded that she had a Cluster B personality disorder. In retrospect, she may or may not have had the disorder. I am not a psychotherapist and despite my extensive research on the disorder (whose markers seemed an excellent match) I am ill-qualified to diagnose her condition. So instead of focusing on labelling her - in my attempts to come to some sort of understanding as to reasons behind the hurt she caused me (and perhaps some closure), I ultimately realized that the only way to heal was to focus on myself and to let her and her "disorder" go. No amount of research on the topic was going to help me heal and overcome. No amount of understanding was going to help to me attain closure in any capacity. Closure and healing would emanate from directing my efforts inwards as opposed to outwards in form of therapy, meditation, exercise, intellectual engagement, maintaining a positive and supportive social circle, professional advancement etc. I hope you understand that my intention is not to diminish your pain and sense of betrayal but rather to have you conserve your effort and energy by forgoing the desire for vengeance and getting even in the interest of refocusing you on you such that you can get to that place of healing sooner. Best of luck to you!

I appreciate your insight and advice. I’m not here to seek vengeance or retaliation. I’m here to share my story and my experience.  I am hoping to bring awareness to NPD and make a difference in a positive way. I have spoken with over a dozen women who sponsored Jamaican men and their stories are the same as mine.  I have a couple friends that live down there and have witnessed things first hand. It’s not all Irie and unsuspecting Americans are being taken advantage of. Yes it happens everywhere. Bad people live and hurt people from everywhere everyday. I’m telling my experience. I will let go and move on to heal most definitely. It was a huge learning experience. I pray no one else will be tricked into believing in a false persona, a fake “humble Rasta” who cried before the court of his love and devotion yet stabbed me in the back at every opportunity with his constant lies, cheating, mind games, and deceit.  

[mam521 2,114]

@LionessDeon I can relate to a point - my ex is a covert narcissist, as diagnosed by a psychiatrist.  The advantage there, I suppose, is he has treatment for his disorder.  It doesn't make it any less of a blow when you're in the thick of things.  But as @JohnSebastien said, you can't beat yourself up.  Karma has a funny way of working, irrespective of how frustrating the entire situation is on multiple fronts.  

 

Echoing @Kor2USA, I think a lot of people are so hung up in the honeymoon phase and getting to that wedding that they forget (or choose ignorance) that marriage is supposed to be a life long commitment and it's HARD work.  That hard work becomes instrumentally more challenging when you're not with the right person.  Choosing not to see these flags asks for a whole world of hurt.  

[JeanneAdil 6,605]

22 hours ago, TBoneTX said:

Folks, let's minimize posts about 90-Day Fiance, or those posts will have to be removed.

-------

One doesn't contact ICE for this.

 

The proper avenue is the FDNS officer at the nearest USCIS office.

Go in person, carrying all the objective evidence of the fraud that you can collect.

Include the A# of the individual whom you're reporting.

Ask for the FDNS officer.

Be polite and unemotional.

Explain that you have objective evidence of relationship fraud for "your expert analysis."

(This will relax and flatter the FDNS officer, who will be used to emotional complainers.)

Hand it all over, thank the FDNS officer for accepting it, and leave.

Sadly, you'll never hear anything further, but at least you've done all that you could.

The most direct way to report fraud is to contact the United States Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) division. They are the police force for immigration. You can contact them by phone and remain anonymous – 1-(866)-DHS-2-ICE or visit the website at “ice.gov”.

[SalishSea 18,016]

This post illustrates the risk involved in LDRs,, and the challenges with thoroughly vetting these relationships,  as we would before marrying someone local.

 

I can’t count the number of posts we get here on VJ daily that are from people who are newly in love and looking to get their bf/gf here ASAP, often after one visit only.  
 

Yes, that satisfies the “requirement” for the visa, but that doesn’t mean it is adequate time to decide to spend a lifetime with someone.   After all, no one would marry someone local after such a short duration of relationship.  
 

Money, vacation time, COVID, etc all impact the ability to spend time together, and are often cited by VJ members when explaining why they went overseas and married someone a week after meeting for the first time.   

 

It’s hard to understand, but each one of us has to assess our personal tolerance for risk when we marry someone we don’t know well.

[Mary Lou 681]

I tried to PM you but it wont go through

 

[DMA 8]

18 hours ago, DMA said:

Sending you a PM. 
 

Edit: I tried, but it didn’t go through. 

 

Edited March 16, 2022 by DMA

[angelbrown 195]

Are you for sure he used you? I guess I’m just wondering if that was the case, why didn’t he get his naturalization after 3 years? Why hang around for 5 years? 
 

At any rate, I don’t have any advice but I am so sorry to hear this. My heart is with you🙏🏽  You always had excellent advice for others so I hope you will continue to help others🙏🏽

Edited March 19, 2022 by angelbrown

[Ms. Clarke 32]

On 3/15/2022 at 9:55 AM, LionessDeon said:

It’s been quite awhile since I’ve been on this site participating in discussions.   When my husband (now ex husband) was first denied in 2014, I took it as my mission to help others in my situation. I did that for a few years.
Well now I’m back here trying to turn another negative into a positive and hoping my pain can again help others. After 5.5 years of marriage, I have discovered that I am a victim of a covert narcissist who (along with the enabling of his family) used me for a green card and a new life.  I am here to speak my truth and hopefully bring awareness to Covert Narcissism, a personality disorder rampant within a society plaqued by systemic poverty and survivalist mentality.  
Yes, now looking back I see the red flags I ignored and signs of deceit but it was so subtle and not knowing anything about covert narcissism I was completely blindsided.  

My intention is to make future posts to help point out the signs of narcissistic personality disorder so others have the knowledge that I didn’t have.  Being in a long distance relationship makes it very difficult to really know a person’s true character and intentions because of the limited time spent in person. It’s so easy for these people to hide their real self and create a fake persona of who you want them to be. I have personally heard the stories of over a dozen women that have been take advantage of by these types of people. The events and behaviors  are almost identical. 

I encourage anyone who has experienced this to share your story. I am a safe place and you can also private message me.  
 

Sorry this has happened to you. What are the red flags 🚩 that you seen before hand? Also can you tell us more of your story?