We're stuck in limbo and we're one month out

[PhillyVenom 0]

Greetings all, I’m new to this website as a poster but not as a reader, but posting now with my own issues. My fiancé is Japanese, we dated for 2 years while I was there (I’m military), got engaged the 3rd yr and we decided to go through with the wedding plans after I returned to the U.S for good (the 4th year). She is a reasonably independent woman while in Japan, is able to get decent jobs she’s a certified masseuse in Japan (a real masseuse not the “bonus service” kind), has her own place, what she couldn’t do for herself her parents would be right there for her (20 minutes away). She has her K-1 in hand and is ready to move when she is ready but just wants to save more money to have a nest egg for herself as we both know she probably won’t get a decent job here in the U.S for quite some time, plus my job has me deploying to a few places for a couple of weeks for the next few months and I don’t want to “pass her in the airport” while she is home alone with NOTHING till I return but a fridge full of food and an entertainment center. Well lately she is starting to get some dream making job offers back in Japan, a nice paying job on the military base and an offer to open her own business, add on top of that every other day we are now discussing her not wanting to be in the house alone all the time, especially if I end up having to go to the warzone, heaven forbid or even one of my week or two deployments. She is afraid of not having any friends, I live in NW Florida and I may have seen 2 Japanese ppl at the most in the year that I have been here, and to top it all off she is a afraid of giving up some pretty decent job opportunities in Japan to come here and end up being someone’s cashier working odd ball hours with no drivers license, not to mention she is an average driver in Japan and I dread her driving around these Florida maniacs who have mail order drivers licenses. We love each other very much and want to finish what we have started but I don’t want to ruin her possible future she would have back home and come here to face the unexpected. I love her enough to tell her to be patient when she gets here but I’m not selfish enough to not let her pursue her dreams back home (and start dating someone else ‘’sniff sniff’’), maybe some of you can give me some good advice. I’m stuck in the middle

[*JG* 2]

It's a scary process for everyone. Every single person that immigrates faces the very same initial prospects and fears.

You have a tough scenario and I do not envy you. If you want to be together, one of you has to give and move.

I know Andre had some fears. In the end, he is adjusting well, has a job he likes, has made friends, occupies his time, and doesn't miss home like he thought he would. He loves our life together. I will never say it was not frustrating; but it does work itself out.

Seems you guys need to really sit down and have a heart to heart and then make some decisions.

Good luck to you.

[TracyTN 237]

She has 6 months before she has to fly over and use the K1. Will this not be enough time?

[Jasman0717 9]

Seems you guys need to really sit down and have a heart to heart and then make some decisions.

Good luck to you.

That's some pretty good advice

[trueimage 0]

Wow! I don't know what to say other than what has already been said except for Good luck. I do want to commend you for your unselfishness though. You must love her greatly if you're willing to let go to let her fulfill her dreams. I'm very touched. I hope that you can come to a fair compromise and that it works out for both of you.

[Fandango 1,440]

Philly, you two need to remember what made you start this process in the first place. I understand about giving up...but pls don't add 'Florida driving' into a reason to prolong her emigration. Is one of you (or both) getting cold feet?

Her opening up her own business sounds like she's making more roots...so how's that going to be if you give her the 6 mos leeway you have on the visa? 6 mos from now it'll be even worse.

I wish you both well!

[Kajikit 65]

It sounds like she's getting cold feet and looking for excuses not to make the move... what's really going to change in the next six months? If you want it to work, you both have to make sacrifices to MAKE it work, and it sounds like you've done your share of the sacrificing already in waiting so long. I'm sure she could be a masseuse in Florida - it's not like it's a skill that can't translate to a new environment. Americans need massages too...

[no one 0]

I agree with everyone else here about making sacrifices. I gave up my steady, well-paying career with great benefits... I left my family and friends... I left a city I love... but I'm happy because I'm with my husband and in-laws who are all wonderful to me. It's very tough starting from square one, but with enough support from you -- and with enough determination on her part -- your fiancée can rebuild a happy life for herself.

It wasn't easy for me (or for many other VJ'ers!) to decide to immigrate. It took me a couple of years to finally make that decision, and even then, many tears were shed, and many nights were spent lying awake thinking about all the sacrifices I'd have to make. Your fiancée will have to decide for herself if this is all worth it to her. Just remember that nothing in this world's really permanent... if she does take the plunge and tried her best to rebuild her life here but doesn't like it... there's always the option of both of you moving to Japan. Or maybe she'll end up loving it here. You never know.

I also agree with the other person who'd advised for you not to add crazy Florida driving to her worries ;-)

[ladywhite 0]

i personally think many (if not all) foreign fiance(e)s are aware that they will have to adjust to a new life in the US once they get a visa and move to the US and that that adjustment is not going to be easy. I also think that, before filing a k-1 peition, the two people in the relationship must discuss extensively about what each has to give up in order to be together in the US and about what each can expect. who gives up more seems to be the one who is moving to the US.

if one of the two, especially the foreign fiance(e), can't accept what s/he has to give up because of the move, i don't think there will be a k-1 petition filed in the first place.

and if everything has been discussed and agreed upon but then later, the foreign finace(e), after receiving the visa, changes their mind for whatever reason, i don't know what to think. perhaps a cold feet as someone mentioned earlier or a change of heart.

i love my fiance so dearly and want to be with him so despaerately that i am willing to give up all i have in my country to be with him (and you don't know what ensues when i give up my job here in my country). i am aware that my life will change tremendously because of a changed status on my part (even though i spent nearly a decade in the US earlier). i am aware i will fall back to my Bachelor degree to get a job because it is very difficult to get job with the degree that i now have. he takes a risk too because if i can't get a job, he will have to support me for as long as i am jobless. he knows that i will make more sacrifices moving here to the US.

i guess what i am trying to say is you can't have it all (regardless of your nationality) when you truly love someone and that someone is a US citizen who can't relocate to your country to be with you.

to the OP: i hope things work out for you two.

[ladywhite 0]

i am sorry i just realized i didn't give you advice you're seeking in my earlier post.

you two need to sit down and discuss the situation and also what she truly feels and wants. she may be scared of a drastic change. understandably, being a wife of a person serving in a military is not easy, let alone all new things in the strange land with the husband being gone. a woman who becomes a military's wife must be tough and has to be able to handle all the emotional rollercoasters. is she that tough?

what you said in your post is what she has to know and be prepared for. i don't think it is "the unexpected."

It's time to talk seriously. again, good luck.

[cshell 0]

Has your fiance ever been to the states before? Could any of this be true fear of the unknown? As much as she loves you if she is so concerned about not liking it here, then don't commit to an early wedding date in the 90 days. Let her know that you love her, respect her concerns as it seems that you have been - Let her come here and then marry within the 3 month. That is what I did with my husband. He had never been in the US and we married 2 weeks before the 90 days were up. Nothing says that because she comes to the US she must marry you. Maybe this is an option that she needs if you feel that her fears are more then reasonable.

Additionally, have you made some inquires about what she would need to do to transfer her masseuse license to Florida? She seems to enjoy her current independence, it might help her to know what is needed to continue her work here that gives her satifaction. Does she just need to take a state test or does she need to do classes all over again? Some info in this area may ease her as well.

But certainly as others posters mentioned you need to have a true heart to heart.

I wish you both the very best.

[Ngoc-Anh 1]

in the end this is a decision that she has to made. Even though it does not seem nice but reality is that you cannot have anything you wish for.

I myself gave up the chance of an career (I got my masters in biology and got job offers to gain my phd) but to me it was clear that my now husband was more important in my life. Sure, now there are times where I asked myself if it would not be better for me to go for the phd because here in the US I do not have a job. My husband is in the military too and is gone all the time (at least 2 weeks each month) but it worked out fine too. He got me a credit card and so I can go get the stuff/food I need while he is gone.

Talk to your fiancee and find out what she really wants.

Good luck to you!!