Filipina being coerced into marriage (split)

[captconcerned 0]

Hello everyone. I hope you’re able to help. 
 

A filipina friend of mine entered into a relationship with a man in America. It quickly spiralled and became mentally and emotionally abusive once he had made her dependent on gifting her money.

 

I won’t go into details as to what but he had her do things she did not want and be treated in ways that would leave her a wreck as well as cheat on her and brag about it to her without any shame or guilt.

 

She would contact me in tears and tell me everything. Once she felt calm and he’d make another apology she’d go and end up back in his clutches where the cycle would begin again. It is a classic case of domestic abuse with the partner not leaving but without them ever having met even now.

 

The last time I heard from her she’s plucked up the courage to say no to the online marriage and was so happy with herself that she’d found the strength to do so.

 

I then find out that only a week later he’d talked her into doing it anyway.

 

I’m not sure why they’ve seen it fit for two people that were never engaged and have never met to be able to marry like this. But it fills me with dread and fear that she’s now set for a future of going from verbal and mental abuse to physical violence.

 

Is there anything I can do here? She will probably contact me again one day to be able to sleep and stop crying and shaking but I’m not sure. He mostly has control over people she contacts. But I can’t always be there, especially if they ever live together.

 

Please help. 

[Adventine 3,196]

@captconcerned the most important thing to do is for your friend to learn to stand up for herself. You are correct that the abuse will only get worse when they actually meet. 

 

If you have evidence of fraud or abuse, you can contact USCIS: https://www.uscis.gov/scams-fraud-and-misconduct/report-fraud . Or the US embassy in Manila. 

 

I can easily see online marriages abused for human trafficking. I hope your friend isn't going to be a victim.

Edited January 30, 2022 by Adventine

[seekingthetruth 1,246]

1 hour ago, captconcerned said:

A filipina friend of mine

You live in the Philippines?  If not, how did you meet this Filipina?

Edited January 30, 2022 by seekingthetruth

[Penguin_ie 5,993]

**** post and replies split from other thread by other member about another issue and made its own topic.  Please ask questions about your own case/ your friend's issue in your own thread. *****

[captconcerned 0]

On 1/30/2022 at 6:33 AM, Adventine said:

@captconcerned the most important thing to do is for your friend to learn to stand up for herself. You are correct that the abuse will only get worse when they actually meet. 

 

If you have evidence of fraud or abuse, you can contact USCIS: https://www.uscis.gov/scams-fraud-and-misconduct/report-fraud . Or the US embassy in Manila. 

 

I can easily see online marriages abused for human trafficking. I hope your friend isn't going to be a victim.

 

Thank you for that advice. I feel quite helpless. I don’t think there’s much I can do other than hope for the best.

 

Still can’t believe this is allowed. 

[seekingthetruth 1,246]

 

On 1/30/2022 at 2:19 PM, captconcerned said:

Please help. 

 

On 1/30/2022 at 3:21 PM, seekingthetruth said:

You live in the Philippines?  If not, how did you meet this Filipina?

OK, you reacted as confused and did not answer, so I will explain.

 

First of all, I assumed you are a male.  If that is incorrect, I apologize.

 

There are several hints in your post that this Filipina friend is an online friend that you have probably never met. If that is true, there also indications of a possible scammer.

 

Quote:  once he had made her dependent on gifting her money

 

And how did she live before she became dependent on his money?

 

Quote:  She would contact me in tears and tell me everything. Once she felt calm and he’d make another apology she’d go and end up back in his clutches where the cycle would begin again. It is a classic case of domestic abuse with the partner not leaving but without them ever having met even now.

 

Your friend seems to confide everything in you.  Why you?  So, according to her, she is dependent on a bad, bad man she has never met, and she confides in you, a very nice man she has never met.  (Using above assumptions).

 

Now you are a nice man and you don't want the bad man to have his way with her.  She can't get out of the relationship because she is dependent on his "gifts".  💡  You can fix that!  If you can just send her some money, she can hang up on the bad man and never call him back!  You will be a hero!

 

I'm not sure how familiar you are with the Philippines and scammers.  There are thousands and they can be very good.  They can be stringing along many men at once and are willing to be patient to run a long con.  They are smart and often would be chatting with their friends about all the strategies that can be used to extract money from foreign men, like abuse and online marriage.  Dating sites and Facebook are full of these people.

 

If I am completely off-base and my assumptions are wrong, a big apology in advance. 

 

When I read your original post, my spidey-sense kicked on.  Something didn't seem quite right.  I met my Filipina wife online over 10 years ago and couldn't live without her now, but you need to keep your guard up until you really know them and have met in person.

 

 

[AlaMike 231]

Sooo many things here the woman could do to stop this "abuse".

The first and immediate thing would be to stop communicating with the man. 

Not trying to bash or be mean, but it sounds like she is continuing to endure this because of the money he is sending.

Also, tell her the things that are happening now will continue once she comes to the US only without the money.

[Boiler 45,519]

9 minutes ago, seekingthetruth said:

 

 

OK, you reacted as confused and did not answer, so I will explain.

 

First of all, I assumed you are a male.  If that is incorrect, I apologize.

 

There are several hints in your post that this Filipina friend is an online friend that you have probably never met. If that is true, there also indications of a possible scammer.

 

Quote:  once he had made her dependent on gifting her money

 

And how did she live before she became dependent on his money?

 

Quote:  She would contact me in tears and tell me everything. Once she felt calm and he’d make another apology she’d go and end up back in his clutches where the cycle would begin again. It is a classic case of domestic abuse with the partner not leaving but without them ever having met even now.

 

Your friend seems to confide everything in you.  Why you?  So, according to her, she is dependent on a bad, bad man she has never met, and she confides in you, a very nice man she has never met.  (Using above assumptions).

 

Now you are a nice man and you don't want the bad man to have his way with her.  She can't get out of the relationship because she is dependent on his "gifts".  💡  You can fix that!  If you can just send her some money, she can hang up on the bad man and never call him back!  You will be a hero!

 

I'm not sure how familiar you are with the Philippines and scammers.  There are thousands and they can be very good.  They can be stringing along many men at once and are willing to be patient to run a long con.  They are smart and often would be chatting with their friends about all the strategies that can be used to extract money from foreign men, like abuse and online marriage.  Dating sites and Facebook are full of these people.

 

If I am completely off-base and my assumptions are wrong, a big apology in advance. 

 

When I read your original post, my spidey-sense kicked on.  Something didn't seem quite right.  I met my Filipina wife online over 10 years ago and couldn't live without her now, but you need to keep your guard up until you really know them and have met in person.

 

 

This sounds more likely.

[captconcerned 0]

Hi.

 

Firstly I have met the girl involved. She’s no scammer so don’t worry about that and so yes you’re completely off base. Thank you for the concern but I’m old and wise enough to be well aware of scammers of different countries. 
 

29 minutes ago, AlaMike said:

Sooo many things here the woman could do to stop this "abuse".

The first and immediate thing would be to stop communicating with the man. 

Not trying to bash or be mean, but it sounds like she is continuing to endure this because of the money he is sending.

Also, tell her the things that are happening now will continue once she comes to the US only without the money.

Thank you. I have told her this on many occasions. You’re not being mean, it is about the money but also over time he’s had her think she can’t live without him in that no one else would want her and that she’s useless.

 

I’m unlikely to reply anymore unless there’s some big development as there’s really nothing I can do but wait and hope she contacts me again some day. I don’t want to keep seeing this because honestly it’s making me depressed.

 

Hoping for the best. 

[seekingthetruth 1,246]

9 hours ago, captconcerned said:

Firstly I have met the girl involved. She’s no scammer so don’t worry about that and so yes you’re completely off base. Thank you for the concern but I’m old and wise enough to be well aware of scammers of different countries.

Ok, let's look at it another way, assuming what you have relayed from her is reality.  If they do the online marriage, then what?

 

--  The online marriage is not quite as simple as you think.  There are requirements and there are witnesses involved, I believe.  Look on the Utah County website.

--  You seem to think the next step after online marriage is that she will quickly come to the U.S. where she will face further abuse.  Not so quick.

 

1.  She can't get a U.S. Visa visa (in this case it would be a CR-1) without him coming to the Philippines to consummate the marriage and spend time with her.

2.  He would then have to apply for the CR-1 and answer lots of questions about his background, her background and their relationship.  This entire process will take18-24 months if it goes smoothly.  There are plenty of places in the process where he can be exposed if he is a bad guy.  They both must answer all questions truthfully and provide evidence of their relationship, including chats, etc.

3.  If they are approved for the paperwork process, the next step is a medical exam and interview at the U.S. Embassy.  The Embassy will ask very direct and pointed questions about their relationship.  She would probably have to lie in order to pass the interview and get the visa.  Given what you have told us about her, she is unlikely to pass, and will break down crying.

4.  If she gets the visa, lastly, the Philippines has CFO to protect young women.  Commission on Filipinos Overseas.  She will have to interview with them and they have the final say if she can leave the Philippines.  They will also ask pointed questions about the relationship and abuse.  She will have to lie.  Seems unlikely they will let her leave.

 

So, in two years, if you have real proof of abuse and/or potential abuse, and they get the visa, you can report the guy to CFO and she will not be allowed to leave the Philippines.

 

9 hours ago, captconcerned said:

I’m unlikely to reply anymore unless there’s some big development as there’s really nothing I can do but wait and hope she contacts me again some day. I don’t want to keep seeing this because honestly it’s making me depressed.

You seem to be very emotionally attached to this women and the situation.  Maybe you should seek some counseling from someone you trust, such as clergy or a professional counselor.  If this pans out as you think it will, you have to deal with it for a few years, or walk away.

 

P.S., you should also advise her to get some counseling.

 

Edited February 6, 2022 by seekingthetruth

[MarJhi 963]

The only person that can help this woman is herself. Assuming she is not a scammer and waiting for you to financially "rescue" her from the dependency on the bad bad man who is holding her prisoner with walls made of money, it's not your relationship to fix, it's hers. 

 

When a woman is bound and determined to go down a bad road with a bad man, there is only X amount you can do. Find yourself a nice girl and spend some of this time and energy on someone who isn't on a destructive path.

[arken 4,197]

It seems both are using each other for their own benefits, may be one going to a bit extreme in fantasies based on what he's been spending. I don't even see where the abuse is unless she is being blackmailed with the recorded videos/photos.