t: Temper, Temper: There Are Better Ways To Handle Anger

[one...two...tree 2,762]

What Causes Anger?

EAP counsellor, Gwyn Jones, explains anger this way: "Traditionally, we think of our feelings as belonging to a world of cause and effect, for example, 'He called me a name - I felt angry.' This is to say, he made me angry. And yet we know that this is not the way our feelings work. In between the stimulus (his name calling), and the response (anger), comes our mental filter - the way we think about the stimulus. In other words, it is our perception of the situation that causes our anger. Further, people with a double load of stress in their lives - difficult situations at home as well as at work - are particularly susceptible to losing their cool."

Defusing Anger

"We have the power to short circuit our anger," says Jones. "First, recognize that anger is building. Physical expressions are as follows: muscles tensing, heart racing, speaking louder or going quiet, and/or feeling sensations of heat. We also hear anger in our thoughts - 'hot thoughts' like, 'I'm going to show him he can't walk over me,' or 'I know how to fix him.' These thoughts indicate that we are angry. What's more, when we continue to play these thoughts, our anger intensifies."

"Developing a 'time out' contract with ourselves is a useful strategy," says Jones, who suggests:

1. List the physical symptoms you have when anger builds.

2. List "hot thoughts" you usually have such as, "I can't let him get away with this."

3. Call time out with yourself.

4. Try deep breathing - breathe in through your nose for eight seconds, and out through your mouth for sixteen seconds. Repeat several times.

5. Change your thoughts. "I'll show him!" becomes "What will best help me right now?" "He always does this to me," becomes "I'm the only one who can make a fool out of me."

Jones points out that old habits die hard, and new behavior takes some practice. "If it were that easy, we would be doing it already," he says. "A lot of people find it helpful to list 'cool thought' replacements. Rehearsing with a particular situation in mind can help break old habits."

Being Assertive

Although anger often has adverse consequences, Jones believes that anger can also be useful. There are times when "it energizes us, causes us to take more action, and leads us to our being more assertive." He says, "Being assertive means expressing feelings and beliefs in helpful and honest ways. Assertiveness and effectiveness go together." However, Jones cautions: "It is important to realize that there are some areas over which we have little control and some where we have a greater say."

If you decide to resolve a situation by talking it out, you will find the following guidelines from EAP counsellors Beth Rust and Gwyn Jones useful:

* Be prepared - rehearse what you are going to say.

* Choose a time for the discussion when you and the other person are feeling your best.

* Consider having a third person present.

* Describe your situation in a clear and objective way.

* Bear in mind that "I" statements tend to be heard better than "you" statements and accusations.

* Avoid judgmental words like "should" and "ought" and "must." These words only create barriers.

* Stick to the point and be brief.

* Avoid dumping all at once.

* Let the other person know you are listening.

* Use tact and humour - they are always helpful.

* Be realistic in your expectations of a solution.

Managing Anger

If it is not in your best interest to be assertive in a particular situation, we think that you will find these tips for managing anger helpful:

* Withdraw from a volatile situation, if you think you are going to lose your temper. Simply excuse yourself and ask if the discussion can be continued later. Take a break and go out for a walk or have a coffee. In other words, take time out to regain your composure.

* Deal with mild annoyances before they get out of hand. Unpleasant situations in the workplace are often caused by poor communication or misunderstanding. Ask for clarification to make sure that you have interpreted the person's remarks correctly. Remember that communication is a two-way process.

* Vent your anger. Get rid of those negative emotions through physical exercise. Rather than yelling at your spouse or children after an unpleasant day at work, try a game of tennis or handball or an activity or exercise that you enjoy and find helpful.

* Writing about the incident in a calm and cool manner will also help you to vent your anger. Moreover, it can help you to understand and evaluate the situation.

http://www.warrenshepell.com/WCMS/EN-US/Em...andle+Anger.htm

[Sinergy 3]

Yea i have to practive those everyday being a human none of it helps when you have someone so annoying your dealing with

Edited July 11, 2007 by Ionescu

[trueimage 0]

Are you trying to tell us something Dr Steven??? lol

Edited July 11, 2007 by vismaster

[Sinergy 3]

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Are you trying to tell us something Dr Steven??? lol

Yes.

[Jasman0717 9]

me.....get angry......never

[Dan J 277]

Hehe. This reminds me of what Hulk always says before he transformed to green giant. Something to do with don't make him angry...

-G

Edited July 11, 2007 by Dan + Gemvita

[trueimage 0]

Are you trying to tell us something Dr Steven??? lol

Yes.

I've never noticed anger problems amongst our vj community......

I'll have to pay more attention....

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Are you trying to tell us something Dr Steven??? lol

Yes.

I've never noticed anger problems amongst our vj community......

I'll have to pay more attention....

It's everywhere...although much more intense on the roads and on Jerry Springer.

[trueimage 0]

Are you trying to tell us something Dr Steven??? lol

Yes.

I've never noticed anger problems amongst our vj community......

I'll have to pay more attention....

It's everywhere...although much more intense on the roads and on Jerry Springer.

Jerry Springer...omg! That's a thread all by itself. I can't believe people exploit themselves like that. It's embarrassing to think that the world thinks that is who we really are.

[Sinergy 3]

Are you trying to tell us something Dr Steven??? lol

Yes.

I've never noticed anger problems amongst our vj community......

I'll have to pay more attention....

It's everywhere...although much more intense on the roads and on Jerry Springer.

Jerry Springer...omg! That's a thread all by itself. I can't believe people exploit themselves like that. It's embarrassing to think that the world thinks that is who we really are.

I couldnt agree more!

[almaty 19]

a good article by someone in the EAP field, which i am currently in for the last 7 years...allot of my referrals from the workplace are anger management issues and threats of violence...

[Jenn! 918]

WOOOSAH!

[one...two...tree 2,762]

a good article by someone in the EAP field, which i am currently in for the last 7 years...allot of my referrals from the workplace are anger management issues and threats of violence...

I'm curious why so many of us are really bad at expressing our anger?

[almaty 19]

a good article by someone in the EAP field, which i am currently in for the last 7 years...allot of my referrals from the workplace are anger management issues and threats of violence...

I'm curious why so many of us are really bad at expressing our anger?

repression brother steven....and the inability to see beyond's one views or ego