MENA/USA marriages

[mybackpages 0]

I've noticed a lot of talk here and other places about what the American fiance/wife will change in her life once the SO gets here. Things like the wife/fiancee having and going out with male friends, wanting to go to a public swimming pool, dressing/covering to fit his cultural standards, cooking to fit his eating habits etc...

I wonder how much a woman will sacrifice her own self to adapt to the man? I think its not just a MENA concept- IMO in general - women in the US do this no matter where the man is from to some extent. but often to the detriment of her own sense of self an well being (again IMO)

I can't imagine making changes in my lifestyle to please my husband. Myhusband was the right choice for me because we already agreed on basic lifestyle choices. I know in any marriage you compromise, adapt to married life, btu what I am wondering is how many of hte things that you love to do are you going to stop doing once he is here just because he doesn;t like it ?

[deemabrouk 0]

well.. for me the only think that is different between me and my husband is that I am a Vegetarian.. and I am NOT willing to cook meat other than some seafood.. But that was talked about in the WAY beginning. It was one of the things we had to agree apon before we even went ahead with step two....

other than that.. I made sure I was with someone in the same religion. And the only thing with that is that he would like me in niqab... BUT it is 100% my option

[ya falaha! 0]

I haven't really made any changes in my lifestyle since Moh arrived. The only change I made was I don't really go out with friends (alone) like I used to. But that would have happened even if I married someone from here.

I don't have any real male friends (I have male acquaintences not "friends"), I dress the same as I always did, I cook the same stuff as I always did, I swim in public but now I do it with Moh (I cover my swimsuit with a tshirt for modesty but that is something I've always done...no one should be subjected to my thighs )

Like MBP, my husband was the right choice for me because we share many of the same values and life goals. We also share similar interests.

Edited July 11, 2007 by moody

[doodlebug 3]

Well I think giving up my whole structure is going to be a big sacrafice. I've lived alone with my girls for 9 years so I'll have to:

1) think about cooking for an extra, more hungry person

2) not be sitting on the couch doing nothing at night anymore

3) not rip one when ever I want to anymore or burp the alphabet after a big diet coke

Stuff like that.

[kerewin21 2]

The thing where we get caught up is chores. My husband is in no way used to doing chores, and I knew that going in. I'm also not the best about chores. We're both doing the best we can though... I'm trying to cook for him more often, he does stuff like the dishes and takes out the trash.

The other problem we have is when we talk about having kids. Basically, since I earn more money than him, it would be ideal for him to stay home with the baby (when we have one, inshallah) and for me to continue working, but that is really completely against his culture (and against many american mens' cultures too!)

There isn't anything I really do that bothers Maj. He wishes I did more around the house, but he doesn't get upset about it, because I told him going in not to expect me to be cleaning all the time! He pretty much accepts that. He gets a little bit jealous about me having male friends, but he deals with it.

I think it's important to discuss these things before you get married (though things come up inevitably that you couldn't predict).

[sereia 0]

i don't plan on changing anything other than my internet habit. i don't see myself being online for 1/4 of the time i am once he's here with me! lol

other than that... my eating habits, friends, and all will stay the same and he will just have to get used to it. as i will have to get used to certain things he does that i do not do.

my mom changed her entire life for my dad. she lost her identity and over time she felt very resentful for this. probably mostly at herself for allowing this change to happen. she stopped eating the things she liked, doing the activities she liked, tv shows, travel, etc to please my father. (they hardly had anything in common!) its just an awful situation i think so many women do in marriages, imo.

[allousa 1]

MBP, I think you made an excellent point about it not just being a MENA thing. I think when a couple is in that "honeymoon" phase, women or men can tend to lost their identity for the sake of the other person.

The only thing that will change when Hicham comes back home is not having the dogs inside. I let them sleep in the laundry room and come into the den when it's really hot or cold. While he likes dogs, he just doesn't feel that they should be inside the house.

We've have lived together prior to him being stuck in Morocco, so I know what it will be like.

What will be different is how we interact as parents now that our son has come along. That IS going to be an adjustment, but I think that is the same for any new parents.

[MelindaandTarek 0]

Well I think giving up my whole structure is going to be a big sacrafice. I've lived alone with my girls for 9 years so I'll have to:

1) think about cooking for an extra, more hungry person

2) not be sitting on the couch doing nothing at night anymore

3) not rip one when ever I want to anymore or burp the alphabet after a big diet coke

Stuff like that.

too too funny..this cracked me up...humor is always good and a way that I get through stressful situations..this just about killed me too too funny...

[a1angied 0]

I cook the same excpet no pork. Ok that is only going to help my diet not hurt it. My children love turkey bacon and so do I so it is not a big deal. We eat alot of beef and chicken which I have always done. We don't eat fried breaded chicken hearts and gizzards he made then for us last night and he fried them in lemon juice, onions, green peppers and olive oil and they where great, along with fried potates, sliced tomoatos and green onions and pita bread. Oh yeah pita bread is bought more then regualr bread and oilve oil used definately more. I cook Friday - Sunday he cooks Mon-Thurs, on the days that we cook we cook what we like and so far the children and I have enjoyed everything. I have learned to eat more raw vegtables and belive it is only heathier for all of us. He also makes sure we have fruit everyday and that is awesome. One thing I will make but he won't have to eat is gravy, he said it was too hard for his stomach, too much grese.

Freinds well male and female we visit them together so he like the few male friends I have a enjoys there company. I only have a few close friends anyway and he likes them all. I have went to visit my girlfiend and he didn't feel like going so he didn't, he said it is normal and that i have to get used doing things as I did beofre and if he wants to go then he will. The childrens friends all like him and he hasn't said anything but good things about them, except one of the girls that hangs around with my son that has her boobs out most of the time he said she is a Sharmota. I said yeah she is but she is like one of the boys to the boys so I am not to judge her.

We went to the pool at the club house and it is a pool for all that live here so female and male and children and he had no problems with it. I covered with a cover until we got to the pool then I uncovered, showered and went into the pool as did he.

Ok I am giving up control of driving all the time and that is very different for me, but I am getting more used to it and relaxing more. I still get ont he internet and the cell phone as much as I did. It was cute he sent me an emaill yesterday, I was on the computer in the living room and he was in the bedroom on the laptop saying how much he loves me.

I have given up sleeping alone. YEAH!!!

I have had to deal with my dog seeming to love him more then me But love that they have bonded.

[MelindaandTarek 0]

I think for me my SO and I share similar life values and goals...we have other difference however also have open communication to talk out and understand each other's perspectives..I am certainly not intending to change myself once my SO is here - there will certainly be an adjustment with different cultures/religion however as I stated above we have great open communcation and a williness to understand and accept different attitudes and opinions.....

[hollyw 0]

I don't really eat pork anymore. I'll eat it if I'm out in a restaurant, but we don't cook it at home. I had to get used to checking on ingredient labels for pork. I also don't see my friends as much, but I think that's mostly because they're all in the city and I'm outside of the city. i still see my guy friends, although most of them are gay.

I think the biggest adjustments for me aren't cultural, just adjusting to married life. i have had to learn to COMPROMISE

[deemabrouk 0]

Well I think giving up my whole structure is going to be a big sacrafice. I've lived alone with my girls for 9 years so I'll have to:

1) think about cooking for an extra, more hungry person

2) not be sitting on the couch doing nothing at night anymore

3) not rip one when ever I want to anymore or burp the alphabet after a big diet coke

Stuff like that.

yeah.. ditto..

Last night I was sitting on the couch thinking about that...

last trip i actually burped Wicked loud infront of Mohamed.. He DIED laughing... tears were running down his face...

I think the biggest adjustments for me aren't cultural, just adjusting to married life. i have had to learn to COMPROMISE

yup... I agree

[doodlebug 3]

Well I think giving up my whole structure is going to be a big sacrafice. I've lived alone with my girls for 9 years so I'll have to:

1) think about cooking for an extra, more hungry person

2) not be sitting on the couch doing nothing at night anymore

3) not rip one when ever I want to anymore or burp the alphabet after a big diet coke

Stuff like that.

yeah.. ditto..

Last night I was sitting on the couch thinking about that...

last trip i actually burped Wicked loud infront of Mohamed.. He DIED laughing... tears were running down his face...

I think the biggest adjustments for me aren't cultural, just adjusting to married life. i have had to learn to COMPROMISE

yup... I agree

I burped once and said excuse me and he didn't know why I was apologizing.

I don't I'll ever be able to fart in front of him.

I"ll make a survey!!!

[ya falaha! 0]

I'd rather implode from trapped gas than fart in front of my husband (or really anyone else besides my kids). However, apparently I did pass gas once in my sleep. I accused Moh of purposely staying awake just to catch me farting.

[aminah 6]

Bye bye little piggie.......and I will wear capri's instead of shorts and short sleeved shirts instead of tank tops. I know I'll have to cook a lot more often too. But these are small changes and easy to live with. He's willing to make compromises with me too. He isn't overly happy that I have a large golden retriever that lives in the house. Our compromise is the dog stays out of our bedroom.