Break up on K1

[nnekaj 3]

My heart is sore as l write this. 
I’ve been in the US for a little over 2 months now on K1 and sadly our relationship seems to be stuck. A little backstory : we tried for a year and a half to get me a visitors visa and that failed, we were told to apply for a K1 instead. My partner has cancer so the process was painful. Covid was painful. He visited and stayed a month here and there and everything was perfect although some days he felt sick. 
I love this man. 
But since my arrival in the US he isn’t the same person l knew for 3yrs. He’s miserable, he’s sick he’s in pain and l do not know what to do at times. He snaps he yells at me he tells me everything is none of my business when l try to have discussions. 
He also refused to discuss marriage. He said he would plan everything by himself. 
He doesn’t want to go anywhere, doesn’t want to do anything as a family, he hates my daughter and constantly tells her how my nephew who’s back in Africa is so much better than her. 
He’s a executive, work from home but doesn’t do much which I thought was a great thing and we can get to spend time together. I woke him up after he’d been sleeping a few days ago and he said if l do that again he will kill me. 
constantly tells me he will send me back to Africa. 
he hates that I am somewhat independent but doesn’t want to assist me when l ask for anything. 
my daughter got into school and she’s been doing really well my heart breaks to pull her out and move back home but I feel l have no choice. 
why do partners feel they can abuse the other just because they are the US citizen, I do not know if this is being caused by his cancer medicines or if he’s just not interested in me anymore. Ps we haven’t been intimate since l got here 2 months ago. He hasn’t touched me in a sexual way and he hasn’t shown any sort of affection. The most I’ve gotten and managed to sneak in was a kiss on the lips like a little kid. 
I went through his phone and he is in close contact and has phone sex with a certain ex. 
I guess l don’t really need any advice l just needed to vent. 

[SalishSea 17,837]

25 minutes ago, nnekaj said:

My heart is sore as l write this. 
I’ve been in the US for a little over 2 months now on K1 and sadly our relationship seems to be stuck. A little backstory : we tried for a year and a half to get me a visitors visa and that failed, we were told to apply for a K1 instead. My partner has cancer so the process was painful. Covid was painful. He visited and stayed a month here and there and everything was perfect although some days he felt sick. 
I love this man. 
But since my arrival in the US he isn’t the same person l knew for 3yrs. He’s miserable, he’s sick he’s in pain and l do not know what to do at times. He snaps he yells at me he tells me everything is none of my business when l try to have discussions. 
He also refused to discuss marriage. He said he would plan everything by himself. 
He doesn’t want to go anywhere, doesn’t want to do anything as a family, he hates my daughter and constantly tells her how my nephew who’s back in Africa is so much better than her. 
He’s a executive, work from home but doesn’t do much which I thought was a great thing and we can get to spend time together. I woke him up after he’d been sleeping a few days ago and he said if l do that again he will kill me. 
constantly tells me he will send me back to Africa. 
he hates that I am somewhat independent but doesn’t want to assist me when l ask for anything. 
my daughter got into school and she’s been doing really well my heart breaks to pull her out and move back home but I feel l have no choice. 
why do partners feel they can abuse the other just because they are the US citizen, I do not know if this is being caused by his cancer medicines or if he’s just not interested in me anymore. Ps we haven’t been intimate since l got here 2 months ago. He hasn’t touched me in a sexual way and he hasn’t shown any sort of affection. The most I’ve gotten and managed to sneak in was a kiss on the lips like a little kid. 
I went through his phone and he is in close contact and has phone sex with a certain ex. 
I guess l don’t really need any advice l just needed to vent. 

Sorry to hear all this, but you're much better off finding everything out now, rather than after marrying him.

 

Did you only have the one in-person visit before he petitioned for you?  A month and a half is not adequate time to get to know someone well enough to marry them, as you're now finding out.

 

The things he is saying to your daughter are inexcusable.  Please get her out of that situation.  Kids internalize the things said to them, and it can have long-term consequences.

 

Take care and good luck. ❤️

[nnekaj 3]

5 minutes ago, Jorgedig said:

Sorry to hear all this, but you're much better off finding everything out now, rather than after marrying him.

 

Did you only have the one in-person visit before he petitioned for you?  A month and a half is not adequate time to get to know someone well enough to marry them, as you're now finding out.

 

The things he is saying to your daughter are inexcusable.  Please get her out of that situation.  Kids internalize the things said to them, and it can have long-term consequences.

 

Take care and good luck. ❤️

In total we’ve spend about 6 months of the 3yrs of our relationship  together in person. When he visited he stayed about a month each time and he visited a few times. We stayed  In my home. He Met all my family and friends and l showed him a lot of my country and nearbys. 
He pursued me for 2yrs before I agreed to the relationship so we kind of know each other for 5yrs. 
Our relationship worked well before, we video called every single day, he was so supportive but a little controlling which seemed like love and care to me. We were really best friends. Except my real friends didn’t think he was a good match for me. 
The things he say to my daughter and to me have been terrible. We are really beaten up emotionally and walk on eggshells shells. 
We live in his hometown, he was born here, schooled here and lives here but we are yet to meet any of his family and friends, we’ve met a neighbour only. 
I  had spoken to some of his friends over the phone when we were dating but now when l ask about them he says none of your business. 
Today we were supposed to go get a marriage licence and he picked up a fight, so It didn’t happen. Now he won’t talk to me, the silent treatments last a day or 2. 

 

[SalishSea 17,837]

1 hour ago, nnekaj said:

In total we’ve spend about 6 months of the 3yrs of our relationship  together in person. When he visited he stayed about a month each time and he visited a few times. We stayed  In my home. He Met all my family and friends and l showed him a lot of my country and nearbys. 
He pursued me for 2yrs before I agreed to the relationship so we kind of know each other for 5yrs. 
Our relationship worked well before, we video called every single day, he was so supportive but a little controlling which seemed like love and care to me. We were really best friends. Except my real friends didn’t think he was a good match for me. 
The things he say to my daughter and to me have been terrible. We are really beaten up emotionally and walk on eggshells shells. 
We live in his hometown, he was born here, schooled here and lives here but we are yet to meet any of his family and friends, we’ve met a neighbour only. 
I  had spoken to some of his friends over the phone when we were dating but now when l ask about them he says none of your business. 
Today we were supposed to go get a marriage licence and he picked up a fight, so It didn’t happen. Now he won’t talk to me, the silent treatments last a day or 2. 

 

Girl, he’s not the one.   If this is the situation now, it will not be any better if you marry him.

 

Take your daughter and fly home.   Take care of yourself and your child.   

[nnekaj 3]

12 minutes ago, Jorgedig said:

Girl, he’s not the one.   If this is the situation now, it will not be any better if you marry him.

 

Take your daughter and fly home.   Take care of yourself and your child.   

Thank you. 
 

 

[Ontarkie 14,227]

~~Moved to Effects of Major Family Changes, from K1 P&P - as similar threads are discussed here~~

[TBoneTX 45,309]

My heart breaks for you, but Jorgedig is right.  You're saving yourself and your daughter much misery and heartache by finding out now.  That's the silver lining in this seemingly awful-on-the-surface situation.

 

Go home with our blessings and sincerest wishes.

[Arsalan111 28]

22 hours ago, nnekaj said:

My heart is sore as l write this. 
I’ve been in the US for a little over 2 months now on K1 and sadly our relationship seems to be stuck. A little backstory : we tried for a year and a half to get me a visitors visa and that failed, we were told to apply for a K1 instead. My partner has cancer so the process was painful. Covid was painful. He visited and stayed a month here and there and everything was perfect although some days he felt sick. 
I love this man. 
But since my arrival in the US he isn’t the same person l knew for 3yrs. He’s miserable, he’s sick he’s in pain and l do not know what to do at times. He snaps he yells at me he tells me everything is none of my business when l try to have discussions. 
He also refused to discuss marriage. He said he would plan everything by himself. 
He doesn’t want to go anywhere, doesn’t want to do anything as a family, he hates my daughter and constantly tells her how my nephew who’s back in Africa is so much better than her. 
He’s a executive, work from home but doesn’t do much which I thought was a great thing and we can get to spend time together. I woke him up after he’d been sleeping a few days ago and he said if l do that again he will kill me. 
constantly tells me he will send me back to Africa. 
he hates that I am somewhat independent but doesn’t want to assist me when l ask for anything. 
my daughter got into school and she’s been doing really well my heart breaks to pull her out and move back home but I feel l have no choice. 
why do partners feel they can abuse the other just because they are the US citizen, I do not know if this is being caused by his cancer medicines or if he’s just not interested in me anymore. Ps we haven’t been intimate since l got here 2 months ago. He hasn’t touched me in a sexual way and he hasn’t shown any sort of affection. The most I’ve gotten and managed to sneak in was a kiss on the lips like a little kid. 
I went through his phone and he is in close contact and has phone sex with a certain ex. 
I guess l don’t really need any advice l just needed to vent. 

This is truly awful to go through. He is manipulating you and with your immigration status. If I were you I would get out as soon as possible and specially the daughter of yours don’t need all of this. By what you said he is also giving predator vibes. Get your daughter out of there.

[Verrou 1,962]

Sorry it happened to u. Relationship is hard. I date my husband a year before we moved in together. Another year we got married and it’s been almost 2 years married now. Even when u lived together u still learn about partner everyday. Not easy 

 

ur fiancée / bf definitely give huge red flags. The good thing is u found it now before u got married. I can imagine he’s gonna be more mentally abusive if u got married. Get out while you can, the relationship is not healthy at all

 

best of luck 

[R&OC 371]

I am so sorry this is happening to you. My heart breaks for you. It sounds like he is very controlling because no kind person would string someone along and make them ask for marriage.

This is the downside to a K1. You uproot everything and everyone but may end up being at the mercy of your future spouse once arriving in the US.

 

Having said that, I am not sure how you feel about going back to your home country. I do not know how tough it is for you to return. But from a relationship perspective, going home sounds the best scenario for you and your daughter. I understand she has integrated well at her new school and perhaps you see the opportunities. But unless you get married, file for AOS and have him go through the whole AOS process with you, I don't see how you can stay in an abusive or at least divested relationship.

 

There are a couple red flags here - one, not being involved in his family & friends circle. It sounds as if he likes to keep you isolated (which would enable him to have a better control over you).

 

But whatever path you choose, I wish you and your daughter all the best in the world. 

 

 

[Redro 4,611]

Please go back home to South Africa. 

He is showing you who he is right now. 

First, he will delay the wedding. Then he will delay adjustment of status. 

IF he delays the wedding past the 90 days you'll have to file an I-130. 

I see a lot of heartache in your future. 

2 months away from SA isn't too bad. You should be able to go back home and pick up your life. 

You will have the support of friends and family. 

I am so sorry you're experiencing these difficulties after such a long drawn out process. 

Wishing you all the strength in the world.