Feedback On Comment "Are you willing to support me financially"

[flicks1998 1,044]

33 minutes ago, RO_AH said:

OFW contracts are for much longer than a year.

Correct, many are 2+ years with steep penalties for breaking the contract early.  OP never said which country she was working in but sounded like she was a DH, maybe in Hong Kong or Singapore.  Either way, DH's are the low people on the totem pole.  6-7 day work weeks, long hour days, usually 12-16 hours and alot of abuse if they have Chinese employers.  Many DH's in HK or Singapore would try for a Western family as they were treated more humane.  Breaking the contract would result in the DH having to pay back most agency fees, flights, any additional expenses that were paid on behalf of the employee.  Plus it becomes harder to find future positions with black mark on your record especially with POEA involved.

Edited November 30, 2021 by flicks1998

[Boiler 45,541]

I seriously doubt a US Court would enforce them.

[RO_AH 1,659]

8 minutes ago, Boiler said:

I seriously doubt a US Court would enforce them.

How would a US court even be involved?

[Boiler 45,541]

2 minutes ago, RO_AH said:

How would a US court even be involved?

Well assuming they meet, marry, she is sponsored, interviews and then leaves her job, this is where she will be.

 

[kieffem 9]

the problem is if she comes back early, like on the visit home, and stays.  My wife did that and she really didn't care if she was blacklisted because she came home to get engaged to me.  I met and proposed without meeting her while she was OFW in Saudi.  we Skyped and send a lot of emails.  I am not suggesting you are close to doing this because of the question you asked.  You do not trust her and that is clear.  So let her go to work since you also are not about to pay for her to wait there for you to eventually visit and see if she is worthy.  these days Covid is making the international dating a nightmare.  might be time to look closer to home until things settle down.

[Girandola 52]

Our situation is different because you've never met. I met my fiancé in the Singapore airport when she was returning home as OFW. Before we would meet again she was back in Singapore for another 28 months. Chinese employer long hours and only allowed out on Sunday. During those 28 months we would spend her Sundays together on my many business trips there. Once her contract was up 5/2019, it was a no brainer for me. She would go home and wait for my divorce to finalize and I would support her. I couldn't live in a homeless camp for the amount of money it requires and she never asks for more. 

   What I'm getting to here is that in hindsight, if she had signed up for another 2 years, we could have processed her visa in Singapore and we would be together right now. Perhaps that is an avenue you can explore. Who knows when the USEM is going to clear this backlog. As others have mentioned, a western employer is better to have as they would be more flexible to your situation. My fiancés Chinese employer kept her passport so she couldn't leave. 

[smore 19]

On 11/27/2021 at 7:57 PM, Kor2USA said:

What is the full story? I don't think you know it... 

 

I think you and I view relationships very differently. 

Financial compatibility is really important to me. 

Not sure what you guys talk about but when I start dating someone knowing how they handle financials is usually one of the first issues we discuss. 

Student debt, if saving is important or if they're more YOLO about money, travel history, work history,  how to split expenses on a date or when traveling to another city or country. 

If you assume your partner is only spending money on her phone... I don't know what to say. You've never discussed whether or not she has to send money back to her family? What do you guys even talk about? What do you mean when you say "You've been getting to know her?"

You don't know about her home town, you don't know what she does with her money, you don't have a plan worked out for your eventual trip to the Philippines.... 

 

This situation is just so confusing to me. 

Perhaps you are right maybe I do not know the full story of her, wish I knew alot more, esp after 2 years. I am not sure we view relationships differently, I agree financial compatibility is important however I have honestly never dated a woman who could help with any bill, am just being upfront and honest there, would I like to of dated those who could help in the relationship absolutely, but it just did not turn out that way and we were compatible in other ways. Some seemed like they could be responsible financially but than they failed to follow through.

 

I have learned not to press american women with so many questions, they just get pissed off, so I am more laid back, not to the point of being dumb or naive, but just tippy toe around certain questions as its caused some issues in the past talking about money. Yes of course I want to know if a woman is responsible with her money or irresponsible which has been what I have found out. Pay for half the date, that would be wonderful but I never expect it, I am a bit old fashioned so it has not bothered me to much, but yeah it would be nice to be treated and offered help with bills.

 

Yes me and her never talked about money, she never asked me questions and I never asked her questions, and I thought that was a good thing were not concerned with those type of questions esp since we had not even met yet. She knew I was responsible, worked, had a job, etc and I knew she worked. Being an OFW I guessed she saved most of her money but did not want to ask how much she makes, just not something I felt comfortable asking, I figured it was not alot and perhaps would be uncomfortable asking. Again as an OFW it sounded like there were not many expenses for her, she lived with the family, food, etc, even her plane ticket home were provided by them. So if she was able to save most of her money I would think she might have a good amount maybe. None of my business at this point to ask such detailed questions, I feel that would be uncomfortable. I figured she did send some money back home, but she also had some major family members pass away while we were getting to know one another so I did not want to ask about money that might of been sent to them and now who might be getting any money sent home, just felt bad about her losing some major family members. Yes we have been getting to know one another, and I do know a decent amount, know a decent amount about where she is from. Keep in mind due to her work we did not get the chance to talk 5 times a day, its a very different culture where she was working with phone time, not like here in the usa where we sit on our phones with the boss standing at our door and we don't think twice about it.

 

Yes we do not have a plan worked out entirely for me to visit, we did talk about it and what it might en-tale but of course because of covid we could not set exact plans, and now due to covid and its restrictions still being pretty heavy in that country we could not set exact plans still. Spring was our last discussion as hopes that things might ease up. But seems that country likes to keep people away and not open there eyes that they need to get a better plan and ease up on things otherwise there economy will be destroyed. There is a safe way to go about opening up, they need to figure that out.

 

The situation has gotten confusing for me also. I just wanted to meet someone real and genuine, and that certainly was not occurring here in the usa so a while back I thought I would try a better culture.

[smore 19]

On 11/27/2021 at 8:46 PM, flicks1998 said:

Most of the posts I have seen you make are quite intelligent on East-West relationships.  At this point, he has enough information.  He has never been to the Philippines before and each posts speaks of being naive to how things are done.  There is nothing wrong with this as at some point in time, we were all in a similar situation, but its just the failure to listen to advice from people who have been living and dealing with these kinds of things for decades.  Even the approach to communicating is a very Western approach which does not work in the Philippines as well.  You could also add in the long meandering posts which if a similar communication style is used in the Philippines, the point will never get across.  It will just be miscommunication after miscommunication.  I havent contributed much to this thread since the OP has clearly demonstrated a severe lack of understanding on how the Philippines works and almost nothing will change that mindset until he actually lives there for a long period of time.

This post keeps going on and on because people can't help but chime in, which is great in some regards but than not in other regards. Everyone just expects pick my advise, pick mine, its just not that simple. Its like the same people saying over and over again meet in another country and its like how many times do I have to say she does not want to do that, but than they keep suggesting it and get pissed off because I am not listing and running with there advise. Advise is advise, thats all, your advise given might not work for every situation or life.

 

Yes I speak western its all I know, and just as you said all were probably in a similar situation of not having alot of knowledge about how things are done in the Philippines. This is a community in which is supposed to help, provide support, perhaps even friendships, so if long meandering posts are not your thing, you can always read the shorter posts. I certainly do not use long messages when talking with her, conversation is different than explaining situations in a forum. Our communication has went way better than I ever expected meeting someone from a different culture in which english was not the first language. Absolutely I do not have a full understanding of the Philippines, never said I did, and no intention of living there to find out, not sure what that comment was about.

[smore 19]

On 11/27/2021 at 9:27 PM, B_J said:

Many OFW choose this path as a way to help their family financially.  Most of the money made is sent back to the Philippines.  You should probably discuss if sending money back will continue if the relationship eventually leads to marriage. This has been an issue for many Fil-Am marriages and this is definitely something you would want to be aware of early in the relationship. 

I sorta figured this was occurring, her sending money back home, but also she did have some major family members pass away that would of most likely been the ones being send the money, I did not want to go there with questions about who gets send money next, not a question I wanted to ask. I also figured that yes if we were to become married that money may continue to be sent back to the family, certainly a deeper discussion about that once deeper into our relationship after meeting would have to occur just to find out more info.  I would not have such an issue with that depending on the discussion had, I cannot give up all my money to send there type of thing.

[smore 19]

On 11/28/2021 at 7:22 PM, Jensti said:

Oh lord, this was the worst read of my life. 
are you coming here for an actual advice or to justify your choices? 

Move onto another thread if you don't like the way this thread is going, no one is forcing you to read or be involved. I am coming her for advise, input, guidance, opinions, and to learn. Which for many people who respond its been great, others its just empty feedback or comments, why even post something.

[smore 19]

On 11/28/2021 at 7:31 PM, kieffem said:

I don't understand why everyone is so jaded.  I met my wife as OFW in Saudi and before we met it was clear if she went home she would lose her good paying job and no longer be able to support her family.

But I wanted to come and see her and propose so I drew up a realistic budget and we agreed to it.   I know there are a lot of scammers but I guess there are also more that are not. 

I have been married 8 years and I just retired to the Philippines with my wife.

You have to figure out if she is worth the risk to have here available now.  If not she can go back to work and you wait a year or two.  You can't expect someone to have the same kind of life you do. Why do you think she went OFW?  Because she loves to work like a dog for a year or two in a different country away from everyone?

Congrats to you and your wife and also to retiring, hope you enjoy life.

[smore 19]

On 11/28/2021 at 9:29 PM, Wilma Jean Jones said:

Your story is good, you should hear mine...but I am not going to share it just yet...It is still in the making.  However, I will share this, I went to Nigeria to meet a man who I married on one of my visits.  He had a job when I first married him, but when his boss found out that he was dating an American woman without telling him, he lost his job and have not been able to find a replacement job, nor business to do for the last two years or more.  I have been supporting him for a little over two years and taking time out of work to visit him at less once a year.  He is documentary qualified for over one year and no interviews are going on at the embassy at this time.  We have no idea when he may be able to join me, but in the meantime, I married him and he is my husband and I feel it's my responsibility to support him.  Now if we had not met,  I don't think I would feel responsible for his support, your girlfriend will be just fine stayng with family, they will support her until you met and marry..

Thanks for sharing a bit of your story. I do agree after meeting things change, and agree that she will be just fine staying with all the family she has mentioned and they will help shelter and feed her as she has already expressed they are feeding her rice 3 times a day as well as better meals than I make and I am a great cook, I am sorta jealous, just kidding. Thanks again for sharing your story, lots of people are in a variety of different situations and are in various stages of there journey.

[smore 19]

On 11/28/2021 at 9:47 PM, MyVisaJourney🤲🏼 said:

Especially since it's been 2 years I think there must be some trust. You know, I wouldn't waste my time with someone not serious. Maybe she wants to know if you are serious about her. This is online dating after all and you have never met. I would also want to know if someone was serious. I do think you should respond to her. Money or no money I think if you really had a connection you shouldn't just give up. I'm only saying this because u said it is 2 years. I would never be online dating as long as that without ever meeting just saying so whatever u have must be serious. American women are leeches like you say, I think these other women would be grateful. 

I agree about trust and I certainly had trust but that question pulled me back a bit. We both have discussed how serious we both are, confirmed it many times, and I have tried to reassure her that I am serious. My intention was never for things to go on this long without meeting, I met her just before covid was known and than of course shortly there after things just shut down. My intention was to meet shortly after a connection was formed, cannot put an exact time frame on what that would be, maybe 3-6 months would of felt comfortable plus having to plan meeting, maybe would of been longer until her contract was up, which had to be extended due to covid. But good old covid put the breaks on that plan otherwise surely I would of wanted to progress to meeting a long time ago. And again for those that keep suggesting meet in another country, she did not want to meet anywhere else but back home.

 

Its to bad american woman are leeches, no idea what has gone wrong in society here as its just getting worse and worse. I think other countries still have some morals and values on relationships. My friends find someone, get married, get divorced, and repeat the process.

[smore 19]

On 11/29/2021 at 1:25 PM, jim_julian said:

Should I move on?  Maybe.  BUT if you are really smitten with her let it play out a bit.  I have had relationships with a number of pinays.  They generally are loving, very sexxxy women.  However, there is a key cultural difference.  They are closely bound to their family, even their extended family.  The family expects "successful" children to support them.  You must both acknowledge and deal with the "cultural filter" that exists in cross cultural intimate relationships.  What you say is not what she hears and vice versa.   I have a wonderful cross cultural marriage, in part, because we realize this.  We have many Chinese-American couples as friends.  Inevitably the marriage fails if John expects Hong to react as an American girl would.  Dig deeper.  Of course don't sign up to support 50 close relatives.  If you feel a spark with this girl, work on it.  The rewards can be great.

I am just letting it play out a bit, I have a life, job, etc to attend to so I am not overthinking anything, just seeing how things go. Having a community does help to be able to talk to, as mentioned I came here to make friends as well, sometimes I wonder about that with some of the feedback, if they do not like the thread just move onto another one. That is why I sought Philippines as I heard the culture was so different, loving, morals, values, respect, and family orientated unlike here in the usa. That is really something I admired of her is that she was so family orientated, but also it seemed perhaps it could be a bit to much with them making some decisions for her, but I still respected things. I sought out just before covid hit to find a genuine, loving, family orientated Philippines woman because american woman just were not that way.

Edited December 2, 2021 by smore

[smore 19]

On 11/29/2021 at 3:29 PM, HPPJ said:

 

simply tell the truth (in a nice way):  that your relationship is not at the point where that is possible/appropriate.

 

if they are desperate, or a scammer, it does not matter:  the reply can be the same.

 

personally, if that happened to me, i would see that as a major red flag and gently back away/out from that relationship.

 

good luck

 

 

 

I have certainly expressed to her that No I will not be supporting her financially, only said it once and yes in a nice way. You are right I am not a comfortable point to do that at. Its now up to her how she responds if she wants to keep getting to know one another. I have backed away, who would not be a bit more guarded, but I just have to wait and see, no worries I have to keep going in life, work, responsibilities, and I guess we will see what happens.

Edited December 2, 2021 by smore