Feedback On Comment "Are you willing to support me financially"

[Redro 4,611]

31 minutes ago, flicks1998 said:

Most of the posts I have seen you make are quite intelligent on East-West relationships.  At this point, he has enough information.  He has never been to the Philippines before and each posts speaks of being naive to how things are done.  There is nothing wrong with this as at some point in time, we were all in a similar situation, but its just the failure to listen to advice from people who have been living and dealing with these kinds of things for decades.  Even the approach to communicating is a very Western approach which does not work in the Philippines as well.  You could also add in the long meandering posts which if a similar communication style is used in the Philippines, the point will never get across.  It will just be miscommunication after miscommunication.  I havent contributed much to this thread since the OP has clearly demonstrated a severe lack of understanding on how the Philippines works and almost nothing will change that mindset until he actually lives there for a long period of time.

Haha... I'm sorry if I've been speaking out of turn. 

My comments are coming from the perspective of a migrant worker living abroad who has dated people from different countries. If I've missed some of the nuances that come from an East-West relationship (in particular dating someone from the Philippines) I apologize. 

Edited November 28, 2021 by Kor2USA

[B_J 2,752]

Many OFW choose this path as a way to help their family financially.  Most of the money made is sent back to the Philippines.  You should probably discuss if sending money back will continue if the relationship eventually leads to marriage. This has been an issue for many Fil-Am marriages and this is definitely something you would want to be aware of early in the relationship. 

[flicks1998 1,044]

18 minutes ago, Kor2USA said:

Haha... I'm sorry if I've been speaking out of turn. 

My comments are coming from the perspective of a migrant worker living abroad who has dated people from different countries. If I've missed some of the nuances that come from an East-West relationship (in particular dating someone from the Philippines) I apologize. 

No you havent at all.  I agree with everything that you have posted in this thread as well as others.  Your experiences have been similar to mine.  I can tell you have dated people from other countries, unlike the OP.  

[RO_AH 1,656]

3 hours ago, flicks1998 said:

At this point, he has enough information.  He has never been to the Philippines before and each posts speaks of being naive to how things are done.  There is nothing wrong with this as at some point in time, we were all in a similar situation, but its just the failure to listen to advice from people who have been living and dealing with these kinds of things for decades.  Even the approach to communicating is a very Western approach which does not work in the Philippines as well.  You could also add in the long meandering posts which if a similar communication style is used in the Philippines, the point will never get across.  It will just be miscommunication after miscommunication.  I havent contributed much to this thread since the OP has clearly demonstrated a severe lack of understanding on how the Philippines works and almost nothing will change that mindset until he actually lives there for a long period of time.

Hammer meet nail head.

[Jensti 7]

Oh lord, this was the worst read of my life. 
are you coming here for an actual advice or to justify your choices? 

[kieffem 9]

I don't understand why everyone is so jaded.  I met my wife as OFW in Saudi and before we met it was clear if she went home she would lose her good paying job and no longer be able to support her family.

But I wanted to come and see her and propose so I drew up a realistic budget and we agreed to it.   I know there are a lot of scammers but I guess there are also more that are not. 

I have been married 8 years and I just retired to the Philippines with my wife.

You have to figure out if she is worth the risk to have here available now.  If not she can go back to work and you wait a year or two.  You can't expect someone to have the same kind of life you do. Why do you think she went OFW?  Because she loves to work like a dog for a year or two in a different country away from everyone?

[Wilma Jean Jones 1]

Your story is good, you should hear mine...but I am not going to share it just yet...It is still in the making.  However, I will share this, I went to Nigeria to meet a man who I married on one of my visits.  He had a job when I first married him, but when his boss found out that he was dating an American woman without telling him, he lost his job and have not been able to find a replacement job, nor business to do for the last two years or more.  I have been supporting him for a little over two years and taking time out of work to visit him at less once a year.  He is documentary qualified for over one year and no interviews are going on at the embassy at this time.  We have no idea when he may be able to join me, but in the meantime, I married him and he is my husband and I feel it's my responsibility to support him.  Now if we had not met,  I don't think I would feel responsible for his support, your girlfriend will be just fine stayng with family, they will support her until you met and marry..

[gimmievisa 1]

On 11/20/2021 at 11:09 AM, smore said:

Everyone is so quick to say run, which I am grateful for your feedback, but there is no real reason as to why you say run. Its easy just to say run everytime a relationship has issues, believe me I have run in some past relationships but only after giving the chance for some communication, explanation, than of course if all is not well after giving the person a chance to comment than you run. This is out of her character to say this in 2 years of knowing one another, was it misspoken? One will never know unless I ask her, which I will. But again in no way is she getting financial help, just wanna be clear to everyone here that is not occurring so there will be no being taken advantage of going on, its just unclear whether to continue talking, but again she deserves the chance to be told NO you will not get any financial help, and why did you ask that.

 

I do lean a bit in the direction of what "MaceMk" said - was she upset, did not know the right way to put her feelings into words about going back to OFW work and our conversation about that, no one here knows the entire story about that situation. But I am only leaning in that direction as she needs to explain as she should be given the chance to do so.

Especially since it's been 2 years I think there must be some trust. You know, I wouldn't waste my time with someone not serious. Maybe she wants to know if you are serious about her. This is online dating after all and you have never met. I would also want to know if someone was serious. I do think you should respond to her. Money or no money I think if you really had a connection you shouldn't just give up. I'm only saying this because u said it is 2 years. I would never be online dating as long as that without ever meeting just saying so whatever u have must be serious. American women are leeches like you say, I think these other women would be grateful. 

[jim_julian 26]

Should I move on?  Maybe.  BUT if you are really smitten with her let it play out a bit.  I have had relationships with a number of pinays.  They generally are loving, very sexxxy women.  However, there is a key cultural difference.  They are closely bound to their family, even their extended family.  The family expects "successful" children to support them.  You must both acknowledge and deal with the "cultural filter" that exists in cross cultural intimate relationships.  What you say is not what she hears and vice versa.   I have a wonderful cross cultural marriage, in part, because we realize this.  We have many Chinese-American couples as friends.  Inevitably the marriage fails if John expects Hong to react as an American girl would.  Dig deeper.  Of course don't sign up to support 50 close relatives.  If you feel a spark with this girl, work on it.  The rewards can be great.

[flicks1998 1,044]

5 minutes ago, jim_julian said:

 What you say is not what she hears and vice versa.   

This is one of the key traits on how miscommunication happens.  Unfortunately it can be one of the traits that can take a long time to fully understand and navigate.

[kieffem 9]

We all have great experiences that offer insight but the answer was known in the original posting.

She needs to go back to work and life is unfair because of covid.

If she is the one then let her work and wait the year.  You can't even get in the Philippines yet so why not let her work until you can go there?

Once you actually meet you will understand all the great advice you are getting. 

If you have cash to spare, her salary is not very much and you could give it to her and family.  What a nice gift, that you will have zero return expectations.  So give away your money or just deal with covid like everyone and wait.  What is your plan to jump to another woman right away because this one is too hard?   Maybe looking at yourself and not her is more the issue.

[HPPJ 3]

 

simply tell the truth (in a nice way):  that your relationship is not at the point where that is possible/appropriate.

 

if they are desperate, or a scammer, it does not matter:  the reply can be the same.

 

personally, if that happened to me, i would see that as a major red flag and gently back away/out from that relationship.

 

good luck

 

 

 

[Pandora Gadomski 22]

On 11/19/2021 at 9:44 PM, smore said:

RO_AH is actually the one who made that comment about her not being a scammer.

 

I said in a post months ago in my orig introduction "Over this 1 1/2 years she has never asked for anything and I believe she has proven she is genuine"

 

RO_AH said "If at this point she has never asked you for anything she is not a scammer."

 

I again am not sure why she said that now, was she upset? frustrated? stressed? did she think I was telling her not to go aboard again to work as OFW, maybe. I never did reply to that message yet, wanted a bit of feedback, not sure if it was sarcasm or what?

 

flicks1998 - I do appreciate your more detailed response. Again she has never asked for anything, its been just about getting to know each other. I again do appreciate your response, not sure if this is a warning sign or not. I know for sure I am NEVER EVER going to be sending anyone money, NOPE not me. Been in enough in person, living with, etc relationships here in the USA where I have supported them because they did not want to work, DONE WITH THAT here in the USA and certainly never doing that aboard. I will not be storming any beaches, I will be ducking for cover and am sort of doing that now as I have not responded to her until I get some feedback on here. I do want to respond back and give her the chance to ask her "UM what do you mean".  I do want to find LOVE, find genuine relationship, life if much fuller with someone, but only the right person, not what I have been with most of my life, leeches, hard to find real and genuine now days, wanted to try overseas but than covid really thru a wrench in that plan, also the fact who is real and who is not.

2 words: Long Con

No disrespect meant

That said, tell her that you don't have any intentions on financially supporting her. If she still has the same feelings towards you and want to continue the relationship. I would keep it going. If it is a deal breaker for her if you refuse to support her, that tells you all you need to know. 

Good luck, I hope it works out

Edited November 29, 2021 by Pandora Gadomski

[RO_AH 1,656]

3 hours ago, kieffem said:

If she is the one then let her work and wait the year.  You can't even get in the Philippines yet so why not let her work until you can go there?

OFW contracts are for much longer than a year.

[RO_AH 1,656]

On 11/19/2021 at 4:03 PM, RO_AH said:

Run away. I could explain why but just trust me.

Now that the post has gone on for a while and more info has been given, I retract my statement, Well not completely, I would instead give it to her. A new OFW contract is a long term commitment. If she goes for a new one it could be 3-5 years before she could see you or have any sort of relationship with you. She could just be wanting to know how serious you are at this point before deciding what to do with her life. She has gone this long without asking you for a thing. She needs to survive. If you are not willing to support her don't even question her going back to work.