An unhappy ending to a marriage

[JonInCA 12]

On 11/7/2021 at 9:33 AM, Balamban said:

Had I the money to buy that farm, I’d be happily married today.  That’s a hard lesson on Filipina culture.

The part that was somehow left out of the OP is the ages of the husband and wife. In a lot of cultures such a marriage would never have gotten started. The wife may love the husband, but with that age gap, everyone knows that in the long run the wife will end up spending more time with her family than her husband. She is only young once, and that is is her one shot to help her family. If she has to spend time taking care of an older man with limited financial resources, then she won't have that time to earn money to send back. No doubt this is a painful event for the OP and also his wife, but blaming this on Filipina culture is not helpful to anyone. 

[RO_AH 1,662]

On 11/7/2021 at 10:17 AM, Adventine said:

You're coming from a place of hurt and pain. I get it. But you're generalizing Filipinas in a way that sounds like both you and your wife had expectations of each other that just didn't match reality. You expected a "simple" woman, and it sounded like she expected a "good" provider. It seems that you both resent each other for not living up to those expectations.

It sounds like your wife never drew firm boundaries with her family when it came to money or family support. Before getting married, did you ever have honest, direct discussions with her about how much money she would send home? What were your backup plans if someone in her family had a financial emergency? Exactly how many people were you expected to support back home? What were her expectations about the wedding? How much time did you spend in the Philippines and how much did you know about Filipino culture before you married? 

 

These are all things that the two of you should have talked about seriously before getting married. Or maybe you did, but the priorities changed. In any case, it sounds like a lot of built up resentment on both sides -  yours and hers.

 

I'm a Filipina, and kuripot (cheap), and I still send money regularly to my family because I have a shared responsibility with my siblings to take care of an aging father. Emphasis on shared. But I've set clear boundaries with them: you are only getting X pesos a month, because I'm married now, and I have my own priorities, and they do not include supporting everyone back home. My siblings have their own jobs, emergency funds, insurance and investments, and we all share expenses with supporting our aging father. I was up front with my husband about this while we were dating, and we had our financial plans in writing so that it was always clear.

 

Also, any woman, Filipina or not, whose husband accuses her of infidelity on social media, is not going to be happy.

Hit the nail on the head! Bullseye!

[notantifun 196]

34 minutes ago, JonInCA said:

The part that was somehow left out of the OP is the ages of the husband and wife. In a lot of cultures such a marriage would never have gotten started. The wife may love the husband, but with that age gap, everyone knows that in the long run the wife will end up spending more time with her family than her husband. She is only young once, and that is is her one shot to help her family. If she has to spend time taking care of an older man with limited financial resources, then she won't have that time to earn money to send back. No doubt this is a painful event for the OP and also his wife, but blaming this on Filipina culture is not helpful to anyone. 

OP comes here with the sad story of the impending end of his marriage but carefully omits important facts of his relationship. He then goes on and misleads readers to the reason of the breakdown of marriage and blames it on an entire gender and race.

 

Denigrate the "Filipina Culture", but by all means, I'm the one bullying OP. 

 

It's hard to have sympathy for this guy.

Edited November 9, 2021 by notantifun

[RO_AH 1,662]

@Balamban I am really sorry you are going through this. Before my wife and I were even married (we were married in PH) her father gave her an ultimatum, pay for her younger brother to to go to college (of course that meant me) or move out. At that point I supported the family. Guess what, she passed the test. She moved out and I paid for a new place. I was lucky that I knew where my wife's loyalties were pretty early on due to this. I was above family.

 

As @Adventine said you need boundaries with family, that and a wife that has YOUR back not her families.The boundaries need to be firm. I personally take kuripot as a compliment and so does my wife.

 

I really am sad for you and sadly this relationship was veering off the rails for a while but you just didn't know it.

 

At this point she has to live with her (or her families) choices. I would not assist at all with AOS or anything else and definitely not send 1 more peso to her family under any circumstances. You may love her and want to play the nice guy, buy remember she chose this. She could have backed you but she chose her family. You can leave the door open but unless she decides to choose you over her family, you need to make her live with that choice and ALL that comes with it.

[R&OC 371]

I am sorry this happened to you. I hope you can move onwards soon.

 

I am fascinated by this conversation. I do have remote ties to the Philippines via my husband. And I noticed that money is very important to his parents. However, they are the ones who immigrated to the US and hence, this is where the story ends. But I never quite understood how relevant "being rich" is. 

 

I was fortunate that we navigated certain pitfalls early on in our relationship in which neither my husband nor I faltered and it stopped afterwards. 

Edited November 9, 2021 by R&OC

[SalishSea 18,125]

21 hours ago, Balamban said:

Thank you for points of view.

My wife is now almost fluent in English, and has a very good vocabulary.  Yes she tends to get “th” wrong, but so does half the world.  We spent much of the 1st year together with her learning and our city has an exceptional English as Second Language and she did quite well.  The reality is that there is no language barrier for her.  I do wish that I had learned at least conservational Bisaya, so there is a language barrier for me.

Just how is it clear, pray tell, that the dynamic was problematic?  The reality was that we had a fun, loving relationship until about a month ago which was brought on by our being one single day late on a remittance.  

Just yesterday she had stopped by and said: “I told the family that I still wanted to see you,” they said, “no, no, you will be on Calvary.”  Now I’m not sure what Calvary was but it was clear that they did not want her talking to me.  Anyone know what "Calvary" is to a Filipina?

I shall agree that there was poor boundaries between us and the family, they expected a farm within 3 years, plain and simple.  If only I had known I was under a time constraint.

I fail to see any “power dynamics,” or any misrepresentation between us.  Perhaps you’d like to clarify?  Are you implying that a large age gap always equals a power dynamic issue and misrepresentation?

As far as the age gap, the couple that she is currently renting a room from has a 37 year age gap, they have been married now for 17 year.  Large age gaps are not uncommon and a simple age gap does not in itself predict a marital failure.
 

 Correction:  those types of excessively large age gaps ARE uncommon on US culture.  
 

 Maybe they are ‘not uncommon’ for men your age who petition young Filipinas.  

 

An American woman in her 20s would have very little interest in marrying someone who is elderly,  unless significant money was involved.

[RO_AH 1,662]

On 11/7/2021 at 7:23 PM, tinaynoodles said:

As a filipina, if your soon to be ex-wife is from a "not-so-well-off" family then she will most definitely be treated as an unlimited bank account to withdraw from.

I don't know about that. My wife's family is not well off and I am not treated like an unlimited bank account. It's all about setting boundaries.

[Kirkwood 3]

On 11/7/2021 at 4:10 PM, Balamban said:

Many thanks layalex, yes there is a real resonance to your post and my situation.

 

A friend wrote me:  

 

"We are very much a family orientated individual and unfortunately our decisions are always highly influenced by what our families think.

There's a saying in the Philippines "I'm gonna marry the 4 M's, matandang (old), mayaman (rich), madaling (quick) mamatay( to die)" so that's really does say a lot."

 

It sort of makes me laugh and cringe at the same time.  The tragedy is that clearly my wife does not want to end the marriage but when pushed a bit she confessed: "Yes, I must do what the family demands."  Much like your story.

A woman who can't make her own decisions for her better half and for the better of her union, is not a mentally fit woman to be in any relationship or marriage,  she failed to put a barrier and set limits from external family demands,  you were not a priority in her life,  the priority was how much her family can milk that ATM. Find someone who doesn't have external material expectations to make a marriage work. Helping family once in a while is fine, but that should never be a requirement for a successful marriage. Sorry to be blunt, im glad she left, ur better off single and ready to mingle, enjoy life, take a break and do some traveling,  see what else is there for u and remember if someone is taking away from ur life and happiness when they are with you. Then that's someone u dint need in ur life,  find the one that adds to it. You'll be fine...what doesn't kill u make u stronger.....

Edited November 11, 2021 by Kirkwood
Added comments

[Dave Knapp 47]

Your wife had two families.  She chose her past over her future.  It may have been a tough choice, but you may also have barely escaped a life full of ever-demanding, ever-using people. IMHO, your wife could have nipped this in the bud. Sorry for your pain, but you will get over this.  BTW, where in NH are you?  I Lived in the lakes region for about 14 years before coming to the Philippines.

[rgfox 10]

I just have to ask... When you married her, why did you also sign up to support her entire family? I really question the decisions you made. I mean, you're a working guy, an RN is a decent salary but never going to get rich. Like my job, decent but dinero is not falling from trees. Yet you sent loads of cash overseas. Very puzzling. 

[AKF2015 10]

I'm sorry this happened to you. I've read too many stories like this and honestly, they dug for the gold and didn't get it so it's time to leave the mine. 

 

My husband and I started poor - I came to the US, he didn't have a high paying job and we budgeted everything to the last penny. I got my green card about 6 months later and started working, we've both grown and able to somewhat be stable. We bought a house, brand new vehicles, and fund some fun stuff like a little bit of travelling - that being said, I NEVER SUPPORTED MY FAMILY IN THE PHILIPPINES - my family back home isn't rich. My mom relies on her retirement and my brother only has very few online gigs here and there but I made it clear I will not enable toxic culture of relying on the one who got a good job, or works abroad, or married a foreign man. I absolutely made it clear I will not support them because I came here to build MY own family so until we are in a good financial position, I'm not going to send large amounts of money.

 

Thankfully, my mom is understanding and not a show off. She didn't boast about money and my extended family aren't asking for anything. One time someone did and I immediately turned it down. I did what my husband did when our relationship started - he made it clear that he wasn't rich and he will not be supporting the whole town because he's American which I completely understand. I give my mom some assistance every now and then, and occasional balikbayan boxes but there is no expectations.

 

You can't generalize all Filipinas as we're all different but I'm not going to deny that the expectation to  provide for everyone is there. It's something to always watch out for. I hate how some turn this into a business of getting a foreign spouse as a means to an end, because at the end of the day we're all judged just the same.

Edited November 15, 2021 by AKF2015
Unfinished response

[Albatross 16]

I lived on the island of Guam for many years, flying for Continental Air Micronesia.  The island is about 40% Filipino.  Every guy out there who married a Filipina discovered he did not marry a woman, he married her family.  As soon after marriage as they could arrange it, any an every Filipino/Filipina related to the wife was living in his house...  A house for two (and kids) quickly became a house full of 15 Filipinos/Filipinas. Filipinas are incredibly mercenary to help their families.  I know an 80 year old "Kano" as the Filipinos call us, who married a 20 year old Filipina.  This guy had an apartment in Makati, the high rent district of Manila.  The girl got a K-1, had a Green Card two months after the marriage, her whole family was trying to live in the apartment in Makati.  What a nightmare.  And the reason I have a Ukrainian wife (who still doesn't speak much English, but then I speak Russian fluently, so that made it easy for me to go that route.)  NO cultural issues with Ukrainians compared with Filipinas....Слава Богу! (Thank God!) 

[Comic 66]

I just never understood the reasoning for sending money back home every month to support grown people that could work. At that point it just feels like your paying to be married to somebody’s daughter. You feeling a lot of pain but you probably just saved yourself headache and money. What’s love if it depends on how much money you can send home to the family 

[shaolincrane 69]

On 11/7/2021 at 5:26 PM, Balamban said:

Thank you HRQX.  I really wasn't looking for an "out," and I'm really not worried about needing one though some will say, "anything is possible."

 

She's a wonderful woman, a wonderful life partner and all that.  God grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change... and all that.

No part of anything you described sounds like a wonderful woman. I don't think I really need to spell out all the reasons why, you can only lie to yourself for so long, but you always "know" why.

On 11/8/2021 at 2:14 PM, Balamban said:

700,00 PHP over three years with no complaints...other than occasional blatant scam attempts.  Then when, rather abruptly I could not come up with 3.2 million peso, whammo... 

I thought that the post might be useful, especially of one read the beginning, but this has turned into something else.

 

notantifun, at this point you're simply being a bully.

 

For the rest of those who posted civilly, salamat.

 

I'll leave the specifics of the Filipino dynamics out of this, without generalizing...

 

Your marriage was predicated on payments. Plain and simple, people being direct in their answers are not being rude. This is the time to hear the inconvenient truths, especially so you can heal.

 

Your wife's family lied and your wife lied for them to scam you, the amount of the scam is irrelevant.  You could have purchased the farm and the payments would have continued, until they couldn't or didn't and it would have ended then. You dodged a bullet by having it end now. Buy your farm and live off of it in piece without scum like this.

[shell20 746]

On 11/9/2021 at 2:40 AM, notantifun said:

OP comes here with the sad story of the impending end of his marriage but carefully omits important facts of his relationship. He then goes on and misleads readers to the reason of the breakdown of marriage and blames it on an entire gender and race.

 

Denigrate the "Filipina Culture", but by all means, I'm the one bullying OP. 

 

It's hard to have sympathy for this guy.

I have to be honest here as soon as I started reading this story and all the cruel things that had happened, alarm bells started ringing. I instinctively knew with out prior knowledge there is a HUGE age gap here. Then when I read your article about the age difference it made sense. I don't want to be cruel as I am sure the OP is heartbroken, in pain and trying to make sense and excuses for the break up, but honestly it seems they both used each other it was always going to be a business deal, she had youth and no doubt beauty etc, he had the American Dream to give, a new life, sponsorship, cash etc. If this had been "True Love", then the wife would have stayed with her husband  during an awful of his life. I guess it's easy for the OP to blame the family and such, but sometimes we have to look at the truth facing us and not look through "Rose tinted glasses" to blame everything but the truth.  Enough said. To the OP I hope  you heal and I do hope you get the closure and truthful answers to why it came to an end, but deep down I think you know.