What should I do?

[Donna A 4]

i think people here had a good idea. just make a monthly rate u are confortable with like $150-$200 and thats it. Im sure thats a pretty good amount of money and they will just have to live with it.

Just cuz u have moved to the United States doesnt mean you are a bank. they will have to understand that.

tell them it is expensive to live here and u just dont have the money to support them. u can help them out but u just cant support them.

[SqdnGuns 21]

Got to watch those falling durian though, they really hurt.

Mabaho naman!!!

Masarap tho!

Very stinky but very good..........mmmmmmmmm

[~krakatoa~ 27]

When I read about the OP's post I felt very sad.. for her and the rest of the Filipinas who are typically in the same situation, very real. Not that I share the same experience because there are still a few Filipinas who are married to Americans who and whose families don't think like they're married to a walking checkbook. I might be one of the few, I can say I am fortunate. My family is even "richer" than my new family here in the US. Maybe my family back in the Philippines is more worried if my husband can't provide for me when needed, lol.

As for some advice, what you're sending them is awfully big, I think. Are they living in the province too? It does make a difference. Giving them more is not helping them but making them abuse you and more especially your husband. You are caught in a dilemma of being a good wife and a good daughter. Your intention to help support your family back in the Philippines is admirable. Though all good things have to have a corresponding responsibility--of sustaining that help or putting a stop to the ongoing dependency. Find a balance to your 2 roles, of being a daughter and a wife. Are you currently working? How much is the difference of your earnings from your husband's? The difference perhaps can be alloted to helping your family, set it aside for them if you can't say no. But slowly make some changes that the family can't disagree, like make a monthly schedule when to send the money, only at that specific amount--no going overboard. Tell them you have made the schedule final and the amount based on your budget. And If they argue simply say you don't have the resources anymore, excuses are excuses and they might hate you for it initially, but if your family has no other means of getting money (like work, business, investments etc on their own), you are giving them no choice but to comply with your budget. I hope I am making sense here. Eventually they will just accept whatever that amount is, since you don't bend the rules.

The next time you talk to them on the phone, highlight also the costs of sending them money, like the extra charge for transfer of funds, highlight your expenses-the cost of food for example and let them compare it in peso value etc. Describe to them that your life here isn't a luxury to live by. Show them you are having a hard time, share the responsibilility to them, the role. And let them comfort you like how a Filipino family does, not for the money but for the real reason that you're part of their family. They need an eye-opener.

[ladypenn 0]

Thanks for the good advices here! I'll tell them over and over that we aren't rich. Its just a bit frustrating and disappointing when I think about it. When I was a lil over a month here, they were asking me already to make a loan for them or if my husband can make a loan for them here. And everytime they talk to me its always money. They dont even ask how I am, they will tell me the money problem right away. And they dont even make an effort to call or even write or send me pictures(we sent them digital camera but not really appreciated). I dont mind helping them but the asking is getting more and more. My hubby and I are even planning that I will go on vacation next year but im having doubts. They will expect I have lots of money since I can afford to go home and I have work. I just started working a month ago.

[KaiserD 12]

It is obvious you are a good person, and you are doing what you can. It's a pain that they are your parents and good at making you feel guilty Everybody here supports you though! Especially other people from the same kind of upbringing so there does not have to be any doubt in your mind that you are a bad or unloyal daughter.

I hope they get it together, because they are driving you away and it's not fair to make you upset!

I hope things improve for you and your family (here and at home!)...stay strong!

[In Gods Hands 0]

It is obvious you are a good person, and you are doing what you can. It's a pain that they are your parents and good at making you feel guilty Everybody here supports you though! Especially other people from the same kind of upbringing so there does not have to be any doubt in your mind that you are a bad or unloyal daughter.

I hope they get it together, because they are driving you away and it's not fair to make you upset!

I hope things improve for you and your family (here and at home!)...stay strong!

I agree with KaiserD... My husband and I already talked about $-to-family situations that may arise in our future. We've both agreed to help with what we can After taking care of what we've set up as priorities in "our" life together. Life is hard for my family in Jordan.. they are poor.. make do with simple things and not too much of variety of food or things. Still they never complain and have the attitude that even if they don't have all they want (and at times need) they make do and give thanks to God. We would like to give a percentage rather than set amount, and we would TRY to send it on a consistant basis, as our budget allows. Percentage because budget may change and unexpected situations could arise. But this would have to be after we have set-up our lives together here. We agreed that if an emergency (life and death situation arises) we will do what we can to help as soon as possible. If needed we would do it for my family in USA too.

Maybe some "time-out" from your family would be good for you both right now. Clear your head.. perhaps you could keep in touch with them by "old fashioned" letter writing. Let your answering machine get the calls for awhile.This way, you have time to respond after you think about it and talk with your husband. Sometimes its easier to say by letter "I can't help with all that right now, but will be sending this $$.." or "Im sorry to hear about ??? (situation/mishap).. I wish we could help with this..but financially we can't right now". This might be good for them too. Get back a better frame of mind and heart regarding you and your husband and "your life together".

note:My grandpa was doing the same for his family in Phil for awhile..but then he had to stop the monthly help for every mishap/misfortune.. he had a wife and family (that was growing) to support first here in America. They had plans for their future and finances were tight. Dividing that pie wasnt easy then..and its still not always easy now for us these days.