What should I do?

[ladypenn 0]

Eversince I came here in the US, everytime I talked to my family, money is always the topic. I just wish i could just turn my back on them, but my conscience bothers me. When I was still back home, they asked for my help too and I know the situation. We have a hard life. I really want to help my other family but I cant help my own family here because I send them money everytime they ask help. My husband has been so supportive of me and my family but i dont want to get the point that my family in the Philippines will abused me and my husband. When we talk or text, someone is always sick. Like my niece got bitten by an insect and had to see a doctor. My hubby sent them $400, then when they asked for rental house help, my hubby send them $600, then again rrental house help, $400, then again, enrollment time $350, then again rental house $350(just 2 weeks ago) and last week they were asking me again to send money because my uncle has to undergo surgery and this week my mother is sick and needs help with the house rental again! I cant save anymore because i keep on sending them money and so is my hubby.

What shall I do? I feel like Im the most stupid person because I cant say no to them. I have my own family here too and soon we will have kids. I dont think they understand that we're not rich. We have to work hard to get what we want and we're working very hard. I cant even buy my hubby anything because Im sending them money. I dont know what to do anymore.

[Clarky and Tarah 0]

I'm not really sure what to tell you. You and your husband are the only ones who can decide what to do. Did your family expect you to give them this much money before you moved to the U.S.? I understand you don't want to let your family down and leave them suffering, but you have to think about the family you have here, too.

Maybe you could put a little money aside every month (like $20) and save it for your family back home. That way when they ask you for money you can tell them you can only part with a specific amount. Did you give them large chunks of money while you were there? If not, they made it fine without all the money your sending them now, and they will make it again. Not to sound mean or anything, but they may just think that since you're here you're making plenty of money to support them and yourself. Giving money every once in awhile is fine, or giving small amounts more often, but they can't expect you to give up everything you have.

Your husband seems very supportive.

[L_n_O 3]

I think they might be under the impression that in America, money comes by very easy cuz most jobs pay pretty well,..... forgetting that the cost of living is just as high...

I think you're going to have an honest discussion with your husband and your family..

good luck..

[ladypenn 0]

Its a filipino mentality that once you married an american, they think you are rich and they expect you to send them money. Lots of the filipinos think that americans are a walking checkbook. It is my fault too that everytime they ask, I just give in. Yes, my husband is very supportive of me. Whatever I decide when it comes to my other family, he supports me. My problem is i cant really tell whether they are lying to me or not. I know how bad our situation there but I have my own family now too. I tried telling them that and that I am undergoing chiropractic treatment. It so unfair for my hubby to shoulder everything. He shoulders my health expenses and house expenses. He never ask me to help him instead he tells me that whenever I need help, he's there for me. I feel like I'm unfair and abusing my hubby by helping too much my other family and not helping him. We're almost sending money every month to help them.

[dave_ehssa 0]

Its a filipino mentality that once you married an american, they think you are rich and they expect you to send them money. Lots of the filipinos think that americans are a walking checkbook. It is my fault too that everytime they ask, I just give in. Yes, my husband is very supportive of me. Whatever I decide when it comes to my other family, he supports me. My problem is i cant really tell whether they are lying to me or not. I know how bad our situation there but I have my own family now too. I tried telling them that and that I am undergoing chiropractic treatment. It so unfair for my hubby to shoulder everything. He shoulders my health expenses and house expenses. He never ask me to help him instead he tells me that whenever I need help, he's there for me. I feel like I'm unfair and abusing my hubby by helping too much my other family and not helping him. We're almost sending money every month to help them.

Explaining it to them will let them know. 300,600 bucks r pretty big amount...ur family in d phils abused it. Dont let them like or love d money. You can talk to them about sending support by just giving them 150-200 bucks per month..thats it...they need to budget the money ur giving. Tell them sending them money monthly with that amount is your budget..the rest of your money r for the bills here....U know a lot of bills here. I think that would be ok. Letting them know that its not easy to earn money. Im experiencing that too with my family in the philippines...but with that agreement...like 150 per month and PERIOD...that went ok now.

[dave_ehssa 0]

Its a filipino mentality that once you married an american, they think you are rich and they expect you to send them money. Lots of the filipinos think that americans are a walking checkbook. It is my fault too that everytime they ask, I just give in. Yes, my husband is very supportive of me. Whatever I decide when it comes to my other family, he supports me. My problem is i cant really tell whether they are lying to me or not. I know how bad our situation there but I have my own family now too. I tried telling them that and that I am undergoing chiropractic treatment. It so unfair for my hubby to shoulder everything. He shoulders my health expenses and house expenses. He never ask me to help him instead he tells me that whenever I need help, he's there for me. I feel like I'm unfair and abusing my hubby by helping too much my other family and not helping him. We're almost sending money every month to help them.

Explaining it to them will let them know. 300,600 bucks r pretty big amount...ur family in d phils abused it. Dont let them like or love d money. You can talk to them about sending support by just giving them 150-200 bucks per month..thats it...they need to budget the money ur giving. Tell them sending them money monthly with that amount is your budget..the rest of your money r for the bills here....U know a lot of bills here. I think that would be ok. Letting them know that its not easy to earn money. Im experiencing that too with my family in the philippines...but with that agreement...like 150 per month and PERIOD...that went ok now.

but ofcourse it depends...if 150 is not enough...if u could make it 200 or 300 per month..its up to d extra money u and ur husband r making. Doing this will let them know also that they need to cooperate not just to depend on you...

[SqdnGuns 21]

Explain it to them and SET LIMITS.......

It's the pinoy way, got a kano means you got 'da money. Saw too much of that when I lived in the Phils.

What did they do before you were able to help them with money?

BTW, I send $400 a month to Thailand for the crops, school clothes for the kids, and other little perks form them to enjoy. But my future mother in law saves most of it for when it is really needed.

Edited July 7, 2007 by SqdnGuns

[~Nini~ 2]

From my perspective, I think you really need to talk to your family and let them know that neither you or your supportive husband are in the financial position to support them as well as yourselves. I know it's going to be really hard to speak to them about this, and I know it's extremely hard to say no when you know where both sides are coming from. But I think you know that your family is starting to get very demanding with their requests for money, and even you've stated that you don't want it to get to the point where your family abuses you and your husband in America.

I'm not going to ask about the details of the situation with your family in the Phillipines, but it just seems a little overboard. I come from a similar culture where family is everything, so I'm not trying to come across as completely uncompassionate. I know that my family would be really upset if they knew that they were draining me and my fiance of our fiances because we were supporting them as well.

Clarky and Tarah put forth a pretty decent proposal - even if you don't want to say no completely to your family in the Phillipines, it's an option to save enough for them without putting you and your husband in debt as well.

[William33 110]

Expectations are not good at all.

In our case, my wife's family expect nothing and thus, are appreciative of the $100 a month we send, unsolicited.

If the family members have expectations, set it straight immediately.

[ladypenn 0]

Actually, I already told them everything about the expenses, my health situation, that helping them too much might affect my relationship with my hubby. Its not working. They know how much my hubby loves me and he cant say no to me. They keep on telling me that one of the family member is sick and my mothers business isnt doing well (which I know and my mother is the one who also supports the whole family) and they will be kick out of the apartment soon for having overdue payments. Just 2 weeks ago, we sent them $350 and now, they are asking money again and telling me that its not sufficient to cover everything. Arghh, I only wish I have a stone heart. I'm thinking of cutting any communications to them for a while so i wont hear anymore of their grieves.

[SqdnGuns 21]

Stand your ground. Tell them you'll help them when you can.

[William33 110]

Further to my previous post, we sometimes send alot more, but it is our choice.

For example, we sent $300 to my Wife's sister, after her first child was born. Did she ask for it? No.

We bought my brother-in-law a motorbike for $1200., did he ask for it? No.

It is easy to help out, when there is no expectation. Expectation = greed.

Do what you can, when you can. No one can expect more. Period.

[Dakine 26]

Eversince I came here in the US, everytime I talked to my family, money is always the topic. I just wish i could just turn my back on them, but my conscience bothers me. When I was still back home, they asked for my help too and I know the situation. We have a hard life. I really want to help my other family but I cant help my own family here because I send them money everytime they ask help. My husband has been so supportive of me and my family but i dont want to get the point that my family in the Philippines will abused me and my husband. When we talk or text, someone is always sick. Like my niece got bitten by an insect and had to see a doctor. My hubby sent them $400, then when they asked for rental house help, my hubby send them $600, then again rrental house help, $400, then again, enrollment time $350, then again rental house $350(just 2 weeks ago) and last week they were asking me again to send money because my uncle has to undergo surgery and this week my mother is sick and needs help with the house rental again! I cant save anymore because i keep on sending them money and so is my hubby.

What shall I do? I feel like Im the most stupid person because I cant say no to them. I have my own family here too and soon we will have kids. I dont think they understand that we're not rich. We have to work hard to get what we want and we're working very hard. I cant even buy my hubby anything because Im sending them money. I dont know what to do anymore.

When they report one of the family got hit on the head with a coconut for example! It's time to shut the door a bit!

You as most pinay came here because you love your man.

At the same time making a better life for you and your family was part of it as the GREAT thing about the Filipino culture is family comes first no matter what.

Not like the average American family.

At the same time you have to draw a line on how much you do so without negative affect on you and your family in the US.

It's not an easy thing to do.

It's in your blood to support your blood family.

I love my adopted family in the Philippines.

We support mamang and papang 100% as they don't have wala!

Bought the family 4 "houses" [shacks] on 2 lots next to each other in a barrio in La Union.

Pay the phone and electric bills naman.

Wife left them a laptop I bought her when she was there so they can communicate plus the kids can use for educational purposes. Yeah I taught them how to Google!

We are sending one niece to nursing school. Also in the process of setting up sis in a longanisa business.

Already help with a sari sari store.

Dug the well 10' deeper 2 weeks ago as it went dry. P 8500.

At this time other than taking care of mamang and papang the money we send only is for them bettering themselves.

No money for falling coconut accidents!

[SqdnGuns 21]

Got to watch those falling durian though, they really hurt.

[Dakine 26]

Got to watch those falling durian though, they really hurt.

Mabaho naman!!!

Masarap tho!