Bomb drop...in-laws want to immigrate to USA. HELP

[Bret L Smith 15]

On 7/15/2021 at 8:29 AM, Ryan76 said:

 I'm American, married to a Colombian since 2012. We live in the US. We have a very happy marriage. And I am REALLY stressing out right now.

 

On June 10 my wife's mom, sister and brother all came to visit, which is a lot for our tiny little house, and a lot for me to deal with. For a couple weeks, okay that would be great, but they are staying two months, which is just absurd to me.  In the past they have never stayed more than 10 days or so. I do like them and want my wife to be happy, but this is VERY difficult for me.

 

In latin culture it can be normal to have several people packed in a small living area, but for me...the complete lack of privacy and peace and quiet is very hard to deal with. Not to mention how much extra money we are spending. (Plus i'm the only one who drives.) So more or less all of our routines and our life in general is completely upside down right now. Everything from planning meals to going to the grocery store is a major project.

 

So last night a bomb drops, my wife tells me that her mom and sister keep asking if we can "help them move" here...i guess at some point in the next couple years.  In the past 10 years there's never been ANY talk of them wanting to leave Colombia. Ever.

 

This would involve them "living with us for a while." Until the sister has a job and apartment. 

The mom is 60, has zero money, and hasn't worked in years.  I've never understood this, but apparently older people in Colombia just don't work.  The sister currently has a really good job, and lives with and pays for the mother. Her work medical insurance even covers her mother.

 

I briefly tried to explain how much different,  and more expensive things will be for her in the USA. Like how in the USA a 60 year old woman cannot be on her daughter's work insurance.  And my wife and i are by no means wealthy and basically live paycheck to paycheck.

 

Also the sister doesn't drive and her English is pretty bad.

 

For some context, No matter what we do with them...like planning vacations for example, they never think things through, or make good plans.  It's always just a blind leap and hoping they figure it out along the way.

 

I feel like i could write for hours about all this, but in general it just seems like a terrible idea to me, and i'm terrified about all this.  I feel like they have no comprehension of how long it could take for the sister to find a good job and get on her feet, as well as how much more expensive it will be for her to pay for everything for her mother.  My wife has this idea that they would only need to stay with us for a couple months.  I feel like it could take a year or longer. Who really knows.

 

I don't even know what i'm thinking.  And it's hard to talk about it with my wife.  I have to choose every word carefully because obviously this is her mom and sister and she loves them.  But i don't think she grasps how this would radically change our life, and i don't think the sister and mom are even remotely thinking about all the details and ramifications.

 

And for what it's worth, in Colombia they live in a very nice apartment in a beautiful city.  It's not like they're in some terrible situation that they need to escape.  If that were true i would think differently about all this.  But they have a good life down there.

 

Another important piece in all of this is that the sister has been struggling emotionally for a while. She's been making terrible decisions, she's dated 3 guys who have all had wives or girlfriends, then she gets devastated when they break it off. It's a long story but even my wife admits that everything with her is messy.  I feel like telling her she needs to see a therapist and get some things worked out before making any drastic life altering decisions.

 

I know this is a huge stressful rant, i'm not even sure if i'm looking for advice or what...but has anyone been in a situation like this???  Does this seem like i'm a  selfish ####### for having these thoughts? What do i do here?  Part of me just wants to ignore it and hope they get back to Colombia and change their minds. I'm just imagining how all these scenarios could play out and it's driving me crazy. 

Tell the sister to look for an American Husband. I’m sure if she’s smart and has a good job in Columbia that she could attract a decent man here in the US. 
 

[Soloenta 2,218]

On 7/15/2021 at 8:29 AM, Ryan76 said:

 I'm American, married to a Colombian since 2012. We live in the US. We have a very happy marriage. And I am REALLY stressing out right now.

 

On June 10 my wife's mom, sister and brother all came to visit.

  I'm so sorry your going through this.  I'm Ecuadorian and all South Americans are very close to our family's. 

  I can tell you this, if you sponsor your mother in law prepare to see her every day until one of you die!  I would speak seriously with your wife as you have so eloquently have here.  It's not your fault and you have the right to refuse.  Your MIL is in a good place in Colombia, it's not like she's living in the streets like you will if she comes to live with you. Just let your wife know it's impassible and let her break the news to them. Let the sister in law know that it takes 10 to 15 years minimum. 

If your lucky they wont stay the 2 months.

 

I wish you and your wife all the best. Tell her, "Al mal paso prisa" which means if your going to take a bad step do it quickly!  Get it over with. 🙏

[Bret L Smith 15]

On 7/15/2021 at 9:55 AM, Ryan76 said:

Thanks for the reply and the info. I had no idea a sibling visa takes a decade.  This bomb just dropped on me last night and i hadn't done any research.

 

And i pray to god they don't get any ideas about the mother coming alone.  She is a great person and all that, but like i said before she has no money, no medical insurance, can't drive, absolutely zero english, etc etc.

 

Honestly,  part of me is just wondering if this is just a phase and maybe they'll rethink things.  It's difficult because i love my wife more than anything and of course i want her to be with her family as much as she can, but i am a private person who likes my quiet time. I need space.  And i certainly don't want to be living with anyone other than my wife.

 

I'm really going to focus on getting my wife to tell the sister that she needs to pause her thoughts and talk to a therapist when she gets home.  I really think she needs to get emotionally healthy before doing something like this.

 

But part of what always drives me crazy with them is that they never think of the details.  Like the fact that their mother would never be eligible for social security here.  Not even sure if she could get medicaid.  Anyway i don't want to start rambling again.  I just know there's about 1000 potential issues that they aren't taking into consideration. 

Tell your wife that you’ll commit to buying your mother-in-law a plane ticket once a year to come visit for a couple of weeks.

And if that’s not enough commit to buying your wife a plane ticket to visit her mom for a couple of weeks every year also.

That’s much cheaper than supporting the mother-in-law full-time. 

[Vuvuzela 6]

Sorry to hear you are going through this difficulty. Other members gave great advice.

 Immigration will be long for the SIL and BIL. Your MIL will get green card faster than other family members (2 years at least vs 17-20years). However in that case she will be going no where and living with you until the SIL can come. If I were you I would be honest and tell them what doesn't work for you. Start with your wife because she thinks it would take only couple of months. Immigration take over 17-20 years for the SIL. MIL will not have quality living here when it comes to medical expenses. 

 

Did they have return tickets when they were admitted at the border? I'm thinking they must have had some intentions of staying longer than 10 days before they came here. 

 

 

[Ryan76 46]

1 minute ago, Vuvuzela said:

Sorry to hear you are going through this difficulty. Other members gave great advice.

 Immigration will be long for the SIL and BIL. Your MIL will get green card faster than other family members (2 years at least vs 17-20years). However in that case she will be going no where and living with you until the SIL can come. If I were you I would be honest and tell them what doesn't work for you. Start with your wife because she thinks it would take only couple of months. Immigration take over 17-20 years for the SIL. MIL will not have quality living here when it comes to medical expenses. 

 

Did they have return tickets when they were admitted at the border? I'm thinking they must have had some intentions of staying longer than 10 days before they came here. 

 

 

Sorry i am about to fall asleep...i will comment more tomorrow.  But yes they have return tickets.  In the past visits they would stay 10 days (or a little longer).  But i knew from the start they would be here 2 months this time.

[millefleur 5,046]

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[Ryan H 3,812]

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[Mary0221 3]

On 7/15/2021 at 11:29 PM, Ryan76 said:

 I'm American, married to a Colombian since 2012. We live in the US. We have a very happy marriage. And I am REALLY stressing out right now.

 

On June 10 my wife's mom, sister and brother all came to visit, which is a lot for our tiny little house, and a lot for me to deal with. For a couple weeks, okay that would be great, but they are staying two months, which is just absurd to me.  In the past they have never stayed more than 10 days or so. I do like them and want my wife to be happy, but this is VERY difficult for me.

 

In latin culture it can be normal to have several people packed in a small living area, but for me...the complete lack of privacy and peace and quiet is very hard to deal with. Not to mention how much extra money we are spending. (Plus i'm the only one who drives.) So more or less all of our routines and our life in general is completely upside down right now. Everything from planning meals to going to the grocery store is a major project.

 

So last night a bomb drops, my wife tells me that her mom and sister keep asking if we can "help them move" here...i guess at some point in the next couple years.  In the past 10 years there's never been ANY talk of them wanting to leave Colombia. Ever.

 

This would involve them "living with us for a while." Until the sister has a job and apartment. 

The mom is 60, has zero money, and hasn't worked in years.  I've never understood this, but apparently older people in Colombia just don't work.  The sister currently has a really good job, and lives with and pays for the mother. Her work medical insurance even covers her mother.

 

I briefly tried to explain how much different,  and more expensive things will be for her in the USA. Like how in the USA a 60 year old woman cannot be on her daughter's work insurance.  And my wife and i are by no means wealthy and basically live paycheck to paycheck.

 

Also the sister doesn't drive and her English is pretty bad.

 

For some context, No matter what we do with them...like planning vacations for example, they never think things through, or make good plans.  It's always just a blind leap and hoping they figure it out along the way.

 

I feel like i could write for hours about all this, but in general it just seems like a terrible idea to me, and i'm terrified about all this.  I feel like they have no comprehension of how long it could take for the sister to find a good job and get on her feet, as well as how much more expensive it will be for her to pay for everything for her mother.  My wife has this idea that they would only need to stay with us for a couple months.  I feel like it could take a year or longer. Who really knows.

 

I don't even know what i'm thinking.  And it's hard to talk about it with my wife.  I have to choose every word carefully because obviously this is her mom and sister and she loves them.  But i don't think she grasps how this would radically change our life, and i don't think the sister and mom are even remotely thinking about all the details and ramifications.

 

And for what it's worth, in Colombia they live in a very nice apartment in a beautiful city.  It's not like they're in some terrible situation that they need to escape.  If that were true i would think differently about all this.  But they have a good life down there.

 

Another important piece in all of this is that the sister has been struggling emotionally for a while. She's been making terrible decisions, she's dated 3 guys who have all had wives or girlfriends, then she gets devastated when they break it off. It's a long story but even my wife admits that everything with her is messy.  I feel like telling her she needs to see a therapist and get some things worked out before making any drastic life altering decisions.

 

I know this is a huge stressful rant, i'm not even sure if i'm looking for advice or what...but has anyone been in a situation like this???  Does this seem like i'm a  selfish ####### for having these thoughts? What do i do here?  Part of me just wants to ignore it and hope they get back to Colombia and change their minds. I'm just imagining how all these scenarios could play out and it's driving me crazy. 

Hi! I'm Filipino and I'm thinking Colombians are kind of like us when it comes to family. Like as soon as we decided to do K1 I gave my fiancé the heads up that a portion of whatever I earn in the US will go to my parents in the Philippines. I'm thinking it all boils down to whether the couple understands each other's cultures before getting married. My fiancé even brought up a couple of times that he sees my brother living in his shed at the backyard because he says he needs to be with family when my parents are long gone (mom is 76 dad is 77). I told him it'll be a very long process to petition my brother but he said I should be open to it. During talks about us raising a family of our own he always brings the topic of one day petitioning my brother. My partner doesn't know it but it means so much to me that he's even considering this. I don't think you're selfish at all. I just think you need to see the bigger picture. Although you say your wife's family lives in a good neighborhood, Colombia is Colombia and it isn't a very safe country in general. Just like the Philippines, it us a third world country. 

[Balamban 113]

On 7/15/2021 at 5:07 PM, Ryan76 said:

  And i always have to be the bad guy and tell them this stuff.

Yup, it's your fault, after all you were the "rich American" (always unsaid) so why would you ever need to be so negative?

 

Simply get the big box full of $100 bills that you've hidden in the closet and show it, after all, they all  know it's there.  Economic problem will be solved.

 

You wrote: "For some context, No matter what we do with them...like planning vacations for example, they never think things through, or make good plans.  It's always just a blind leap and hoping they figure it out along the way."

 

Ah, you are learning fast!  No need to plan, no need to consider finance, like Wilkins Micawber knew (in the book David Copperfield, by Dickens )"something will always come up."  Smile, and take a leap...  faith and all...

 

Privacy?  Well, if you really need privacy there's always the bathroom...

 

The reality: They will never, ever see it from a logical point of view, it's simply not within their cultural capability.  Culturally, planning is not needed; money will come up when necessary;  and well, at least 12 can sleep in your bedroom (only if necessary).

 

Of course, we all see that you'll go crazy, and likely leave for an extended trip to the Himalayas unless you say.......hmmm....(never, ever say "no,") just say: "it's a neat idea, we can't do it this year, so let's put it off and think about it next year.."  If necessary, rinse and repeat.

 

  

Edited July 19, 2021 by Balamban

[kmas 14]

10 hours ago, Bret L Smith said:

Tell the sister to look for an American Husband. I’m sure if she’s smart and has a good job in Columbia that she could attract a decent man here in the US. 
 

One should not marry for immigration benefits! The person will have to sustain a good faith marriage. Your advice is out of the context!

[Scandi 4,166]

12 minutes ago, kmas said:

One should not marry for immigration benefits! The person will have to sustain a good faith marriage. Your advice is out of the context!

Who said it won't be a good faith marriage? Just because you're on a dating site looking for men from a certain country (many women all over the world love American men and are actively looking for exactly that, American men are awesome) doesn't mean you're not in it for the right reason. 

[kmas 14]

10 minutes ago, Scandi said:

Who said it won't be a good faith marriage? Just because you're on a dating site looking for men from a certain country (many women all over the world love American men and are actively looking for exactly that, American men are awesome) doesn't mean you're not in it for the right reason. 

Looking for a partner with the intend to get immigration benefits is unlawful.

[Scandi 4,166]

21 minutes ago, kmas said:

Looking for a partner with the intend to get immigration benefits is unlawful.

The marriage can still be bonafide, and that's what matters. Tons of people in the world seek better lives in the US each year, the absolute majority find themselves an America spouse to get a better life AND their marriages are very much bonafide. Yes, you can have BOTH.

[Ryan76 46]

8 hours ago, Mary0221 said:

Hi! I'm Filipino and I'm thinking Colombians are kind of like us when it comes to family. Like as soon as we decided to do K1 I gave my fiancé the heads up that a portion of whatever I earn in the US will go to my parents in the Philippines. I'm thinking it all boils down to whether the couple understands each other's cultures before getting married. My fiancé even brought up a couple of times that he sees my brother living in his shed at the backyard because he says he needs to be with family when my parents are long gone (mom is 76 dad is 77). I told him it'll be a very long process to petition my brother but he said I should be open to it. During talks about us raising a family of our own he always brings the topic of one day petitioning my brother. My partner doesn't know it but it means so much to me that he's even considering this. I don't think you're selfish at all. I just think you need to see the bigger picture. Although you say your wife's family lives in a good neighborhood, Colombia is Colombia and it isn't a very safe country in general. Just like the Philippines, it us a third world country. 

Hi thanks for the response. I'm at work now so can't write too much, but i just wanted to say that i do understand much of the culture very well. Or maybe, i understand it as well as possible for someone who didn't  grow up there. I've spent a total of about 4-5 months down there, met and stayed with several family members, traveled all over the country, etc. 

 

The 2+ years we dated, and now 9 years married, there has never been one word mentioned about anyone trying to move here, until now.  That's why this completely blindsided me.

 

Also, my wife said the same as you in the beginning...that a portion of her money will go to her mom.  So we've always been sending between $120-200 per month, which actually covers a pretty significant portion of their monthly groceries, if not other things. (Remember they have also have no rent now because they live in a paid off apartment).

 

So long story short i do understand a lot of these things...the need to send money, that we will have visitors who stay longer than what is considered "normal" by american standards, etc.

[James D 39]

On 7/15/2021 at 2:14 PM, Ryan76 said:

Thanks.  Maybe the starting point is that i tell my wife about the sibling / F4 category taking 10-15 years.   That could completely change their minds.

 

I'm married to Brazilian. I was working overseas so we moved to Brazil. Otherwise I could have been in your shoes.

In 15 years the sister likely will  be married with kids....and a husband. So add some more years. Also, on the positive side, once an immigrant visa is requested, tourist visas aren't so easy to get...

Edited July 19, 2021 by James D