Bomb drop...in-laws want to immigrate to USA. HELP

[RO_AH 1,659]

Here is how to be the agreeable husband. Tell your wife the facts. Mom could come soon (1 to 2 years) but sis will be at least 15 years. If mom comes would you need to get a new place to have a room for her? If so, check on the costs of a bigger place. Also estimate how much it will cost for her to live with you. Estimate the increase in food, electric, etc. You will get a good idea of this during their stay with you now. Have your wife call around and see what it actually costs for medical insurance. What are the deductibles/co-pays.. What I am saying put hard numbers on everything and if your wife is smart, she will come to her own conclusion that it is not a good idea.

[Ryan76 46]

4 hours ago, Boiler said:

No need to tell then, ask them.

 

Sounds like Mother coming solo is a no goer?

 

 

First off i highly doubt she would want to come solo, without the sister. Also I think all of this talk is definitely originating from the sister.  

 

But yeah, her coming solo... it's  a no go. Their whole idea is that the mom and sister would live together. 

 

She lives a pretty good life down there for cheap - she's on her daughter's employer's medical insurance, lives in an apartment that's paid off already.....her coming here would cost us a small fortune.  She's never before expressed any desire to leave Colombia. She doesn't know any english, can't drive...it's a terrible fit for a lot of reasons.  She also goes to a specific type of church like 3x a week that has like 20 locations in Bogotá.  Closest one here in the US is nearly 3 hours.

 

Honestly i wouldn't even think she would want to come solo.

[Ryan76 46]

4 hours ago, Jorgedig said:

Maybe have your wife come and read here?  You've gotten some great free advice in this thread from knowledgeable senior VJ members.

Oh the thought crossed my mind several hours ago.  This thread has really helped educate me on some things, and i will definitely use that next time we have that conversation.

 

I don't know if i want her reading every single thing i wrote though, lol.  As i mentioned earlier, i try to choose my words with her very carefully about this stuff....and i've said a lot fairly bluntly in here

[SalishSea 17,833]

Just now, Ryan76 said:

Oh the thought crossed my mind several hours ago.  This thread has really helped educate me on some things, and i will definitely use that next time we have that conversation.

 

I don't know if i want her reading every single thing i wrote though, lol.  As i mentioned earlier, i try to choose my words with her very carefully about this stuff....and i've said a lot fairly bluntly in here

That makes sense.  At least you've gotten some concrete advice about what to expect about the process, so that you can make an informed decision.  Best of luck, and keep us posted!

[NovaDC 270]

Looks like we are in an opposite situation. I always tell my parents i would like to petition them when I become a US citizen( i can start the application this month and my husband is supportive with my plan) but my parents are the ones who don’t want to. They have visited here and they realized they are just fine with visiting the US and to live their entire lives in the Philippines. 

[Calicolom 266]

13 hours ago, Ryan76 said:

 I'm American, married to a Colombian since 2012. We live in the US. We have a very happy marriage. And I am REALLY stressing out right now.

 

On June 10 my wife's mom, sister and brother all came to visit, which is a lot for our tiny little house, and a lot for me to deal with. For a couple weeks, okay that would be great, but they are staying two months, which is just absurd to me.  In the past they have never stayed more than 10 days or so. I do like them and want my wife to be happy, but this is VERY difficult for me.

 

In latin culture it can be normal to have several people packed in a small living area, but for me...the complete lack of privacy and peace and quiet is very hard to deal with. Not to mention how much extra money we are spending. (Plus i'm the only one who drives.) So more or less all of our routines and our life in general is completely upside down right now. Everything from planning meals to going to the grocery store is a major project.

 

So last night a bomb drops, my wife tells me that her mom and sister keep asking if we can "help them move" here...i guess at some point in the next couple years.  In the past 10 years there's never been ANY talk of them wanting to leave Colombia. Ever.

 

This would involve them "living with us for a while." Until the sister has a job and apartment. 

The mom is 60, has zero money, and hasn't worked in years.  I've never understood this, but apparently older people in Colombia just don't work.  The sister currently has a really good job, and lives with and pays for the mother. Her work medical insurance even covers her mother.

 

I briefly tried to explain how much different,  and more expensive things will be for her in the USA. Like how in the USA a 60 year old woman cannot be on her daughter's work insurance.  And my wife and i are by no means wealthy and basically live paycheck to paycheck.

 

Also the sister doesn't drive and her English is pretty bad.

 

For some context, No matter what we do with them...like planning vacations for example, they never think things through, or make good plans.  It's always just a blind leap and hoping they figure it out along the way.

 

I feel like i could write for hours about all this, but in general it just seems like a terrible idea to me, and i'm terrified about all this.  I feel like they have no comprehension of how long it could take for the sister to find a good job and get on her feet, as well as how much more expensive it will be for her to pay for everything for her mother.  My wife has this idea that they would only need to stay with us for a couple months.  I feel like it could take a year or longer. Who really knows.

 

I don't even know what i'm thinking.  And it's hard to talk about it with my wife.  I have to choose every word carefully because obviously this is her mom and sister and she loves them.  But i don't think she grasps how this would radically change our life, and i don't think the sister and mom are even remotely thinking about all the details and ramifications.

 

And for what it's worth, in Colombia they live in a very nice apartment in a beautiful city.  It's not like they're in some terrible situation that they need to escape.  If that were true i would think differently about all this.  But they have a good life down there.

 

Another important piece in all of this is that the sister has been struggling emotionally for a while. She's been making terrible decisions, she's dated 3 guys who have all had wives or girlfriends, then she gets devastated when they break it off. It's a long story but even my wife admits that everything with her is messy.  I feel like telling her she needs to see a therapist and get some things worked out before making any drastic life altering decisions.

 

I know this is a huge stressful rant, i'm not even sure if i'm looking for advice or what...but has anyone been in a situation like this???  Does this seem like i'm a  selfish ####### for having these thoughts? What do i do here?  Part of me just wants to ignore it and hope they get back to Colombia and change their minds. I'm just imagining how all these scenarios could play out and it's driving me crazy. 

You married the Family. I moved to Colombia 3 years ago. We have a tiny little house. A few month ago we had 23 people here, sleeping on the floor. I feel they took me in as family, They have never taken advantage of me in any way. I always welcome them. I married the family, this is my family. 

[Scandi 4,166]

From an immigration perspective (rules, requirements etc) I don't see this happening. So don't worry. 

[Cathi 5,750]

BTW, your mother in law will never be eligible for Medicare as she would have to work 40 quarters(10 years) to qualify and it sounds like she'll never work. So that means you will be responsible for paying her health insurance costs, including co-pays, deductibles and everything that insurance doesn't cover at all. Yeah, you really need to make them all understand, especially your wife, that it is a financial burden you are not willing or able to take on.

[.yana 597]

9 hours ago, Calicolom said:

You married the Family. I moved to Colombia 3 years ago. We have a tiny little house. A few month ago we had 23 people here, sleeping on the floor. I feel they took me in as family, They have never taken advantage of me in any way. I always welcome them. I married the family, this is my family. 

With all due respect, but every person has their own boundaries. What works for you - doesn't work for others and vice versa. 

 

I love my husband's family and we get along well. But what you described triggered an anxiety attack. There are many people whose mental state relies on their personal space and / or alone time. Respect that.

[pm5k 129]

21 hours ago, SteveInBostonI130 said:

 

  Then your mother-in-law need to become a USC

 

An LPR can petition unmarried children, but the beneficiary must remain unmarried.

Edited July 16, 2021 by pm5k
clarification

[mushroomspore 3,044]

9 hours ago, Calicolom said:

You married the Family. I moved to Colombia 3 years ago. We have a tiny little house. A few month ago we had 23 people here, sleeping on the floor. I feel they took me in as family, They have never taken advantage of me in any way. I always welcome them. I married the family, this is my family. 

That's what worked for you but please don't come in here saying that your mentality and circumstances apply to OP. They don't.

[Timona 4,207]

12 hours ago, Ryan76 said:

First off i highly doubt she would want to come solo, without the sister. Also I think all of this talk is definitely originating from the sister.  

 

But yeah, her coming solo... it's  a no go. Their whole idea is that the mom and sister would live together. 

 

She lives a pretty good life down there for cheap - she's on her daughter's employer's medical insurance, lives in an apartment that's paid off already.....her coming here would cost us a small fortune.  She's never before expressed any desire to leave Colombia. She doesn't know any english, can't drive...it's a terrible fit for a lot of reasons.  She also goes to a specific type of church like 3x a week that has like 20 locations in Bogotá.  Closest one here in the US is nearly 3 hours.

 

Honestly i wouldn't even think she would want to come solo.

 

Is that church MAAM? There is one here in Houston at a Colombian strip mall and it is always packed every Friday night.

I always frequent some Colombia restaurant across and one Friday, while waiting to be sitted, we wandered around. I thought it was a club as the women were dressed to kill and there was loud Latin music. So we went to visit, only to be told it was a church. 

Anyways, if anyone want to find a partner, feel free to visit. I would have, if I was single 

 

 

 

[Timona 4,207]

17 hours ago, Jorgedig said:

Maybe have your wife come and read here?  You've gotten some great free advice in this thread from knowledgeable senior VJ members.

 

I would not wager on this. She may take it wrongly.

[Ryan76 46]

14 minutes ago, Timona said:

 

Is that church MAAM? There is one here in Houston at a Colombian strip mall and it is always packed every Friday night.

I always frequent some Colombia restaurant across and one Friday, while waiting to be sitted, we wandered around. I thought it was a club as the women were dressed to kill and there was loud Latin music. So we went to visit, only to be told it was a church. 

Anyways, if anyone want to find a partner, feel free to visit. I would have, if I was single 

 

 

 

Yes they always dress nice and look beautiful for church.  But the one i am talking about is called Iglesia de Dios - Ministry of Jesus Christ International.  It started in Colombia and now has like 200+ international locations. I grew up going to church and sometimes my parents would try different churches, but my wife's family won't even consider another church, not even just one visit. And like if a catholic relative has a ceremony at their catholic church, my wife's family won't even go.  It has always seemed different to me, but that's what they believe and i respect it.

[Ryan76 46]

17 minutes ago, Timona said:

 

I would not wager on this. She may take it wrongly.

Yeah.  I would be fine showing her about 80% of it but there are a few things i said pretty bluntly that i wouldn't want her to read.  As i said earlier i always need to be careful how i choose my words in conversations with her about this stuff.