Bomb drop...in-laws want to immigrate to USA. HELP

[Ryan76 46]

 I'm American, married to a Colombian since 2012. We live in the US. We have a very happy marriage. And I am REALLY stressing out right now.

 

On June 10 my wife's mom, sister and brother all came to visit, which is a lot for our tiny little house, and a lot for me to deal with. For a couple weeks, okay that would be great, but they are staying two months, which is just absurd to me.  In the past they have never stayed more than 10 days or so. I do like them and want my wife to be happy, but this is VERY difficult for me.

 

In latin culture it can be normal to have several people packed in a small living area, but for me...the complete lack of privacy and peace and quiet is very hard to deal with. Not to mention how much extra money we are spending. (Plus i'm the only one who drives.) So more or less all of our routines and our life in general is completely upside down right now. Everything from planning meals to going to the grocery store is a major project.

 

So last night a bomb drops, my wife tells me that her mom and sister keep asking if we can "help them move" here...i guess at some point in the next couple years.  In the past 10 years there's never been ANY talk of them wanting to leave Colombia. Ever.

 

This would involve them "living with us for a while." Until the sister has a job and apartment. 

The mom is 60, has zero money, and hasn't worked in years.  I've never understood this, but apparently older people in Colombia just don't work.  The sister currently has a really good job, and lives with and pays for the mother. Her work medical insurance even covers her mother.

 

I briefly tried to explain how much different,  and more expensive things will be for her in the USA. Like how in the USA a 60 year old woman cannot be on her daughter's work insurance.  And my wife and i are by no means wealthy and basically live paycheck to paycheck.

 

Also the sister doesn't drive and her English is pretty bad.

 

For some context, No matter what we do with them...like planning vacations for example, they never think things through, or make good plans.  It's always just a blind leap and hoping they figure it out along the way.

 

I feel like i could write for hours about all this, but in general it just seems like a terrible idea to me, and i'm terrified about all this.  I feel like they have no comprehension of how long it could take for the sister to find a good job and get on her feet, as well as how much more expensive it will be for her to pay for everything for her mother.  My wife has this idea that they would only need to stay with us for a couple months.  I feel like it could take a year or longer. Who really knows.

 

I don't even know what i'm thinking.  And it's hard to talk about it with my wife.  I have to choose every word carefully because obviously this is her mom and sister and she loves them.  But i don't think she grasps how this would radically change our life, and i don't think the sister and mom are even remotely thinking about all the details and ramifications.

 

And for what it's worth, in Colombia they live in a very nice apartment in a beautiful city.  It's not like they're in some terrible situation that they need to escape.  If that were true i would think differently about all this.  But they have a good life down there.

 

Another important piece in all of this is that the sister has been struggling emotionally for a while. She's been making terrible decisions, she's dated 3 guys who have all had wives or girlfriends, then she gets devastated when they break it off. It's a long story but even my wife admits that everything with her is messy.  I feel like telling her she needs to see a therapist and get some things worked out before making any drastic life altering decisions.

 

I know this is a huge stressful rant, i'm not even sure if i'm looking for advice or what...but has anyone been in a situation like this???  Does this seem like i'm a  selfish ####### for having these thoughts? What do i do here?  Part of me just wants to ignore it and hope they get back to Colombia and change their minds. I'm just imagining how all these scenarios could play out and it's driving me crazy. 

[mushroomspore 3,044]

35 minutes ago, Ryan76 said:

 I'm American, married to a Colombian since 2012. We live in the US. We have a very happy marriage. And I am REALLY stressing out right now.

 

On June 10 my wife's mom, sister and brother all came to visit, which is a lot for our tiny little house, and a lot for me to deal with. For a couple weeks, okay that would be great, but they are staying two months, which is just absurd to me.  In the past they have never stayed more than 10 days or so. I do like them and want my wife to be happy, but this is VERY difficult for me.

 

In latin culture it can be normal to have several people packed in a small living area, but for me...the complete lack of privacy and peace and quiet is very hard to deal with. Not to mention how much extra money we are spending. (Plus i'm the only one who drives.) So more or less all of our routines and our life in general is completely upside down right now. Everything from planning meals to going to the grocery store is a major project.

 

So last night a bomb drops, my wife tells me that her mom and sister keep asking if we can "help them move" here...i guess at some point in the next couple years.  In the past 10 years there's never been ANY talk of them wanting to leave Colombia. Ever.

 

This would involve them "living with us for a while." Until the sister has a job and apartment. 

The mom is 60, has zero money, and hasn't worked in years.  I've never understood this, but apparently older people in Colombia just don't work.  The sister currently has a really good job, and lives with and pays for the mother. Her work medical insurance even covers her mother.

 

I briefly tried to explain how much different,  and more expensive things will be for her in the USA. Like how in the USA a 60 year old woman cannot be on her daughter's work insurance.  And my wife and i are by no means wealthy and basically live paycheck to paycheck.

 

Also the sister doesn't drive and her English is pretty bad.

 

For some context, No matter what we do with them...like planning vacations for example, they never think things through, or make good plans.  It's always just a blind leap and hoping they figure it out along the way.

 

I feel like i could write for hours about all this, but in general it just seems like a terrible idea to me, and i'm terrified about all this.  I feel like they have no comprehension of how long it could take for the sister to find a good job and get on her feet, as well as how much more expensive it will be for her to pay for everything for her mother.  My wife has this idea that they would only need to stay with us for a couple months.  I feel like it could take a year or longer. Who really knows.

 

I don't even know what i'm thinking.  And it's hard to talk about it with my wife.  I have to choose every word carefully because obviously this is her mom and sister and she loves them.  But i don't think she grasps how this would radically change our life, and i don't think the sister and mom are even remotely thinking about all the details and ramifications.

 

And for what it's worth, in Colombia they live in a very nice apartment in a beautiful city.  It's not like they're in some terrible situation that they need to escape.  If that were true i would think differently about all this.  But they have a good life down there.

 

Another important piece in all of this is that the sister has been struggling emotionally for a while. She's been making terrible decisions, she's dated 3 guys who have all had wives or girlfriends, then she gets devastated when they break it off. It's a long story but even my wife admits that everything with her is messy.  I feel like telling her she needs to see a therapist and get some things worked out before making any drastic life altering decisions.

 

I know this is a huge stressful rant, i'm not even sure if i'm looking for advice or what...but has anyone been in a situation like this???  Does this seem like i'm a  selfish ####### for having these thoughts? What do i do here?  Part of me just wants to ignore it and hope they get back to Colombia and change their minds. I'm just imagining how all these scenarios could play out and it's driving me crazy. 

My parents (more specifically,  my mother) has made "jokes" about me petitioning their immigration to the US after I become a citizen. It has never progressed to any serious discussion but nonetheless, it is a majorly hard-cold NO from me. You're an adult. You're allowed to say no. "No" is a full sentence. You're allowed to enforce whatever boundaries you have to with your in-law's for the sake of your mental health and that does not make you selfish. Trust me, I went through therapy for 1 year (as a full-grown adult in her 20's!) and it took me that long to untie myself from those feelings too; I felt like a bad person for wanting to say "no" to my strict/overbearing parents, even after I had moved away from Canada and to the US. But that said, since it's your wife's family, it's really on her to enforce the boundaries. If you want her to grasp how serious this could be for you guys, one idea would be to go together to an appointment with a lawyer and possibly even a marriage counselor to drive home into your wife's head how uncomfortable you are with this situation and how it would affect your marriage/lifestyle.

 

Just wanna add....your wife would be able to petition her mother right away if your wife is now a citizen (which it looks like she is). But your wife's sister will be waiting, at minimum, 1 decade. Most likely longer.

Edited July 15, 2021 by mushroomspore

[canadian_wife 1,822]

The thing that jumps out to me is the assumption mother/father and sister will all immigrate at the same time.  If this is the case, then all will come in around 10 years (sibling visas take that long)

 

If parents come first, you will be looking at supporting and (possibly) living with mother/father for years until sister arrives on her sibling visa.  

 

Am I looking at this correctly?

[Ryan76 46]

34 minutes ago, canadian_wife said:

The thing that jumps out to me is the assumption mother/father and sister will all immigrate at the same time.  If this is the case, then all will come in around 10 years (sibling visas take that long)

 

If parents come first, you will be looking at supporting and (possibly) living with mother/father for years until sister arrives on her sibling visa.  

 

Am I looking at this correctly?

Sorry if some of my ramblings weren't clear.  There is no father.  It is the sister and mother who are talking about immigrating here. They have always lived together...pretty sure they come as a package deal.

 

 

[SteveInBostonI130 3,454]

1 minute ago, Ryan76 said:

Sorry if some of my ramblings weren't clear.  There is no father.  It is the sister and mother who are talking about immigrating here. They have always lived together...pretty sure they come as a package deal.

 

 

 

I believe this is one of those rare cases where the statutory limits on visas will help someone out.  

 

The decision on helping your wife's family to immigrate ultimately rests on you two.  Explain to her about the requirements, including the income necessary to sponsor them and the actual cost of living income for your family to live comfortably.  Go over your budget - nothing drives home economic realities like going over hard numbers.  Very sobering.

 

That said, your sister-in-law falls in the F4 family preference category.  Currently that takes about 15 years.  As of this month, USCIS/NVC is approving petitions submitted in February, 2007.  It then takes a few months to a year to complete the process.  So if your mother and sister has to come at the same time, then you are looking at 2036 or so.

 

Another method is petition for your mother in law first.  That takes about 2 years (assuming your wife is a USC).  Then your mother-in-law need to become a USC, which will be 5-6 years.  Then your MIL can petition for her daughter, and as long as her daughter remains unmarried that will take 7-8 years.  A total of 14 to 16 years, which in effect is the same as for your wife petitioning for her sister.  Not really a better option, but I am including it here for you to have both scenarious.

 

[arken 4,197]

Assuming your wife is a USC and her sis is an adult.

 

Average timeframes for immigration/GC:

 

Mother:

1-2 years, mother can stay while the process is going on

 

Sister:

She has to leave the US before her i94 expires

If your wife petitions her: 15 years

If her mother petitions her after becoming an LPR: 7-8 years and she has to remain unmarried. If she marries, another story.

 

Edited July 15, 2021 by arken

[Ryan76 46]

46 minutes ago, mushroomspore said:

My parents (more specifically,  my mother) has made "jokes" about me petitioning their immigration to the US after I become a citizen. It has never progressed to any serious discussion but nonetheless, it is a majorly hard-cold NO from me. You're an adult. You're allowed to say no. "No" is a full sentence. You're allowed to enforce whatever boundaries you have to with your in-law's for the sake of your mental health and that does not make you selfish. Trust me, I went through therapy for 1 year (as a full-grown adult in her 20's!) and it took me that long to untie myself from those feelings too; I felt like a bad person for wanting to say "no" to my strict/overbearing parents, even after I had moved away from Canada and to the US. But that said, since it's your wife's family, it's really on her to enforce the boundaries. If you want her to grasp how serious this could be for you guys, one idea would be to go together to an appointment with a lawyer and possibly even a marriage counselor to drive home into your wife's head how uncomfortable you are with this situation and how it would affect your marriage/lifestyle.

 

Just wanna add....your wife would be able to petition her mother right away if your wife is now a citizen (which it looks like she is). But your wife's sister will be waiting, at minimum, 1 decade. Most likely longer.

Thanks for the reply and the info. I had no idea a sibling visa takes a decade.  This bomb just dropped on me last night and i hadn't done any research.

 

And i pray to god they don't get any ideas about the mother coming alone.  She is a great person and all that, but like i said before she has no money, no medical insurance, can't drive, absolutely zero english, etc etc.

 

Honestly,  part of me is just wondering if this is just a phase and maybe they'll rethink things.  It's difficult because i love my wife more than anything and of course i want her to be with her family as much as she can, but i am a private person who likes my quiet time. I need space.  And i certainly don't want to be living with anyone other than my wife.

 

I'm really going to focus on getting my wife to tell the sister that she needs to pause her thoughts and talk to a therapist when she gets home.  I really think she needs to get emotionally healthy before doing something like this.

 

But part of what always drives me crazy with them is that they never think of the details.  Like the fact that their mother would never be eligible for social security here.  Not even sure if she could get medicaid.  Anyway i don't want to start rambling again.  I just know there's about 1000 potential issues that they aren't taking into consideration. 

[mushroomspore 3,044]

1 minute ago, Ryan76 said:

It's difficult because i love my wife more than anything and of course i want her to be with her family as much as she can, but i am a private person who likes my quiet time. I need space.  And i certainly don't want to be living with anyone other than my wife.

This is the main thing you need to tell your wife: you love her, but your marriage is ultimately between only you and her (NOT your family or her family) and that this decision would affect you in multiple negative ways if it were to happen. For now, I say to just take a deep breath because it's obvious it's affecting you a lot right now. That's natural but you need to be calm and be able to maintain that calmness whenever you decide to have a more in-depth conversation about this with your wife. You could also write down a list of "pro's" (it sounds like the only "pro" is that your wife would have her family close by, but that's easily a "con" for you at the exact same time) and all the "con's". This is also why I suggested considering a few appointments with a marriage counselor. You can lay all this out to the counselor. The counselor will hear your wife's side and then act as an objective third-party to ease communication over a tense topic. The counselor's priority is doing what is best for your marriage, not what is best for just one of you or for someone outside of the marriage. But I would only do this if conflict really escalates between you and your wife over this and she refuses to accept or understand your perspective.

[Ryan76 46]

2 minutes ago, mushroomspore said:

This is the main thing you need to tell your wife: you love her, but your marriage is ultimately between only you and her (NOT your family or her family) and that this decision would affect you in multiple negative ways if it were to happen. For now, I say to just take a deep breath because it's obvious it's affecting you a lot right now. That's natural but you need to be calm and be able to maintain that calmness whenever you decide to have a more in-depth conversation about this with your wife. You could also write down a list of "pro's" (it sounds like the only "pro" is that your wife would have her family close by, but that's easily a "con" for you at the exact same time) and all the "con's". This is also why I suggested considering a few appointments with a marriage counselor. You can lay all this out to the counselor. The counselor will hear your wife's side and then act as an objective third-party to ease communication over a tense topic. The counselor's priority is doing what is best for your marriage, not what is best for just one of you or for someone outside of the marriage. But I would only do this if conflict really escalates between you and your wife over this and she refuses to accept or understand your perspective.

Thanks.  Maybe the starting point is that i tell my wife about the sibling / F4 category taking 10-15 years.   That could completely change their minds.

 

But yes ...deep breaths.  Thanks again.  I will update if/when anything else happens.

[mushroomspore 3,044]

4 minutes ago, Ryan76 said:

Thanks.  Maybe the starting point is that i tell my wife about the sibling / F4 category taking 10-15 years.   That could completely change their minds.

 

But yes ...deep breaths.  Thanks again.  I will update if/when anything else happens.

Good luck because I know how hard it is to deal with *ahem* "difficult" family members (we have them on both sides...mine AND my husband). And who knows??? Maybe your wife isn't even all that up for it anyways. And there's the chance that your in-law's will forget about the whole thing and never bring it up again. But you still should talk to your wife because in the case that it DOES come up again, you and your wife have to have a game plan and be on the same page about it and present a united front.

[carmel34 3,633]

1 hour ago, Ryan76 said:

She is a great person and all that, but like i said before she has no money, no medical insurance

You said you live paycheck to paycheck, so if you and your wife are the sole financial sponsors, the medical insurance for your MIL by itself could be a big problem to overcome, and may even require a joint sponsor who would have to help pay for the health insurance.  Health insurance for older immigrants can be very very expensive.  So do more research on that so you are well informed before starting down this path.  The high cost of health insurance alone may be enough for your wife to hesitate on petitioning for her mother.  Good luck!

Edited July 15, 2021 by carmel34

[Ryan76 46]

51 minutes ago, carmel34 said:

You said you live paycheck to paycheck, so if you and your wife are the sole financial sponsors, the medical insurance for your MIL by itself could be a big problem to overcome, and may even require a joint sponsor who would have to help pay for the health insurance.  Health insurance for older immigrants can be very very expensive.  So do more research on that so you are well informed before starting down this path.  The high cost of health insurance alone may be enough for your wife to hesitate on petitioning for her mother.  Good luck!

Thanks.  I don't know if "paycheck to paycheck" is the best descriptor, technically we are able to save a little each month, in addition to 401ks, etc, but we certainly couldn't afford to add on a several hundred dollar insurance policy plus a few hundred more in groceries and everything else.

 

They were talking as if the sister will be paying for the mother. I have no idea.  Like i said earlier,  maybe this all goes away when they learn that the sibling visas take 10-15 years.

 

Thanks for the advice

[Ontarkie 14,225]

Maybe hint at a work visa for the sister and let them figure it out and if she qualifies. You said that they like to just jump right in so researching should take forever and a day   That way she comes fully set to work. 

 

I would just sit back and let them talk and talk and talk. It can be just like you said and all talk. 

[arken 4,197]

51 minutes ago, Ryan76 said:

Like i said earlier,  maybe this all goes away when they learn that the sibling visas take 10-15 years.

Increase your chance by saying15-20. 15 is the minimum so start from there. 

[Boiler 45,520]

41 minutes ago, arken said:

Increase your chance by saying 15-20. 15 is the minimum so start from there. 

You took the words right out of my mouth.

 

Mothers medical insurance will be more like $500.

 

I like the idea of suggesting sister looks at a work visa, as sister presumably pays for Mothers living expenses now also can she afford the US version?