today's joke thread

[Ban Hammer 13,352]

got these via email

Two businessmen in NY are sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store .. as yet, the store isn't ready -- only a few shelves are set up.

One says to the other, "I bet any minute now some tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling."

No sooner are the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious fellow walks to the window, has a peek, and in a Southern drawl asks, "What're y'all sellin' here?" One of the men replies, "Oh! We're selling azzholes here."

Without skipping a beat, the southern fellow says, "Well, I see y'all're doing really good, you only got two left!"

-------------------------

22 Ways To Be An Outstanding Democrat

1. You have to be against capital punishment, but support abortion on demand.

2. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.

3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese and North Korean communists.

4. You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.

5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical documented changes in the earth's climate and more affected by soccer moms driving SUV's.

6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.

7. You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.

8. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th-graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists who have never been outside of San Francisco do.

10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.

11. You have to believe that Mel Gibson spent $25 million of his own money to make The Passion of the Christ for financial gain only.

12. You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.

13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.

14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, Gen. Robert E. Lee, and Thomas Edison & A.G. Bell.

15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides are not.

16. You have to believe that Hillary Clinton is normal and is a very nice person.

17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.

18. You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and a sex offender belonged in the White House.

19. You have to believe that parades displaying drag queens, transvestites, and bestiality should be constitutionally protected, and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.

20. You have to believe that illegal Democratic Party funding by the Chinese Government is somehow in the best interest to the United States.

21. You have to believe that this message is a part of a vast, right wing conspiracy.

22. You have to believe that it's okay to give Federal workers off on Christmas Day but it's not okay to say "Merry Christmas."

[almaty 19]

Gop Basic belief:

1. You have to believe conservatives are God's voice on Earth, and a liar and a idiot belongs in the White House.

[Saddle Bronc 124]

Gop Basic belief:

1. You have to believe conservatives are God's voice on Earth, and a liar and a idiot belongs in the White House.

Overlaps the Dems too much here Dean; after all:

• BillyBubba was/is certainly a liar
  
• Carter was senile enough to be called an idiot when in the White House; also qualifiable as liar since he claimed to be nuclear engineer (and is still clueless on the workings of reactors)
  

:lol:

[almaty 19]

Gop Basic belief:

1. You have to believe conservatives are God's voice on Earth, and a liar and a idiot belongs in the White House.

Overlaps the Dems too much here Dean; after all:

• BillyBubba was/is certainly a liar
  
• Carter was senile enough to be called an idiot when in the White House; also qualifiable as liar since he claimed to be nuclear engineer (and is still clueless on the workings of reactors)
  

:lol:

to counter my respected brother sriniv...

1..bush is a liar ..1st class...

2. reagan was senile....

3. ford pardoned nixon

4. old man bush was a liar also..."read my lips"

Edited July 3, 2007 by almaty

[Fuzzness 2]

completely and terribly wrong.... but very funny.

anyone know the other side of this joke?

[Scott & Lai 12]

to counter my respected brother sriniv...

1..bush is a liar ..1st class...

2. reagan was senile....

3. ford pardoned nixon

4. old man bush was a liar also..."read my lips"

1. Several commissions investigating the matter said otherwise.

2. Not while in office.

3. Rightly so.

4. I'll give you that one...he caved to the pressures of the Democrat-controlled Congress.

completely and terribly wrong.... but very funny.

anyone know the other side of this joke?

All sounded right to me...I think I've heard pretty much all of it from Dems.

[Fuzzness 2]

completely and terribly wrong.... but very funny.

anyone know the other side of this joke?

All sounded right to me...I think I've heard pretty much all of it from Dems.

Oh okay... you are one of those who hears what they want to hear. gotcha!

[Saddle Bronc 124]

Gop Basic belief:

1. You have to believe conservatives are God's voice on Earth, and a liar and a idiot belongs in the White House.

Overlaps the Dems too much here Dean; after all:

• BillyBubba was/is certainly a liar
  
• Carter was senile enough to be called an idiot when in the White House; also qualifiable as liar since he claimed to be nuclear engineer (and is still clueless on the workings of reactors)
  

:lol:

to counter my respected brother sriniv...

1..bush is a liar ..1st class...

2. reagan was senile....

3. ford pardoned nixon

4. old man bush was a liar also..."read my lips"

You didn't counter anything, Dean (as your points were never disputed); I merely pointed out that it's not only Pubs who put lying idiots in the White House--as Dems have also done this.

[Saddle Bronc 124]

got these via email

Two businessmen in NY are sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store .. as yet, the store isn't ready -- only a few shelves are set up.

One says to the other, "I bet any minute now some tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling."

No sooner are the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious fellow walks to the window, has a peek, and in a Southern drawl asks, "What're y'all sellin' here?" One of the men replies, "Oh! We're selling azzholes here."

Without skipping a beat, the southern fellow says, "Well, I see y'all're doing really good, you only got two left!"

-------------------------

22 Ways To Be An Outstanding Democrat

1. You have to be against capital punishment, but support abortion on demand.

2. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.

3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese and North Korean communists.

4. You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.

5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical documented changes in the earth's climate and more affected by soccer moms driving SUV's.

6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.

7. You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.

8. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th-graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists who have never been outside of San Francisco do.

10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.

11. You have to believe that Mel Gibson spent $25 million of his own money to make The Passion of the Christ for financial gain only.

12. You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.

13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.

14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, Gen. Robert E. Lee, and Thomas Edison & A.G. Bell.

15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides are not.

16. You have to believe that Hillary Clinton is normal and is a very nice person.

17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.

18. You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and a sex offender belonged in the White House.

19. You have to believe that parades displaying drag queens, transvestites, and bestiality should be constitutionally protected, and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.

20. You have to believe that illegal Democratic Party funding by the Chinese Government is somehow in the best interest to the United States.

21. You have to believe that this message is a part of a vast, right wing conspiracy.

22. You have to believe that it's okay to give Federal workers off on Christmas Day but it's not okay to say "Merry Christmas."

23. You need to believe that the Republicans stole the 2000 elections, but never acknowledge that the Dems stole 1960 (by buying-up Chicago).

[Ban Hammer 13,352]

completely and terribly wrong.... but very funny.

anyone know the other side of this joke?

All sounded right to me...I think I've heard pretty much all of it from Dems.

Oh okay... you are one of those who hears what they want to hear. gotcha!

throw it out there fuzz. let's hear the other side of the coin. (must be something in this energy drink, i'm in a really humorous mood today).

[Scott & Lai 12]

completely and terribly wrong.... but very funny.

anyone know the other side of this joke?

All sounded right to me...I think I've heard pretty much all of it from Dems.

Oh okay... you are one of those who hears what they want to hear. gotcha!

Believe me, I'd prefer not to hear those things...

[almaty 19]

Gop Basic belief:

1. You have to believe conservatives are God's voice on Earth, and a liar and a idiot belongs in the White House.

Overlaps the Dems too much here Dean; after all:

• BillyBubba was/is certainly a liar
  
• Carter was senile enough to be called an idiot when in the White House; also qualifiable as liar since he claimed to be nuclear engineer (and is still clueless on the workings of reactors)
  

:lol:

to counter my respected brother sriniv...

1..bush is a liar ..1st class...

2. reagan was senile....

3. ford pardoned nixon

4. old man bush was a liar also..."read my lips"

You didn't counter anything, Dean (as your points were never disputed); I merely pointed out that it's not only Pubs who put lying idiots in the White House--as Dems have also done this.

well, i tried brother sriniv...