Financial Responsibility as a sponsor

[SalishSea 18,080]

1 hour ago, JeffAtl said:

See, and thats part of the problem for us.  The strain is incredible and I'm investing tens of thousands of dollars.  Its not stopping by a long shot.  I'm just very concerned as to whether we really have a strong enough foundation.  I know thats off topic in a way, but it makes me extremely stressed and nervous.

That’s why it’s critical to spend lots and lots of time together before making the huge leap into marriage.   There is a lot at stake.

[Zoeeeeeee 797]

It's really good that you're considering these factors and it's something that every petitioner should do (and yet many don't) - you're putting yourself on the line for an enormous financial commitment - is your relationship strong enough? Have you spent enough time together? Is it definitely you that your partner wants or your access path to America?

 

These are rhetorical questions, I'm not asking you to actually answer them here - but it's something to weigh up in your head and if you're not sure of the answer, then perhaps it's time to slow things down.

 

On the other hand, you absolutely don't want paranoia to destroy a great relationship...but you definitely should be confident that it IS a great relationship. Without wanting to be harsh (I'm thinking about 90 Day Fiance here!), if your partner is waaay out your league, whether through age, looks, personality (and again, I'm not talking about you specifically, just the general concept)...then realistically, why are they with you? 

 

So again, just to be clear, I'm not in anyway suggesting this is the case with your relationship - just highlighting the importance of being rational and honest with yourself before committing to being a sponsor (and that's for any potential sponsor reading this).

[Adventine 3,201]

1 hour ago, JeffAtl said:

See, and thats part of the problem for us.  The strain is incredible and I'm investing tens of thousands of dollars.  Its not stopping by a long shot.  I'm just very concerned as to whether we really have a strong enough foundation.  I know thats off topic in a way, but it makes me extremely stressed and nervous.

 

I understand there is a great strain on you. It's great that you are being honest with yourself (and us) about the stress.

 

I highly recommend that you discuss all your concerns in a loving and respectful way with your fiancee. Who knows, maybe she's also dealing with questions of her own about your relationship. Remember that she is going to leave her home country and going to adjust to a completely different way of life. As a K1 visa holder, she will be extremely vulnerable both emotionally (separated from most of her family and friends) and financially (cannot work until she gets her EAD).

 

If you can arrange some kind of teleconference with a marriage counselor before her arrival in the States, that would be great too.

 

 

 

[JeffAtl 16]

14 minutes ago, Zoeeeeeee said:

It's really good that you're considering these factors and it's something that every petitioner should do (and yet many don't) - you're putting yourself on the line for an enormous financial commitment - is your relationship strong enough? Have you spent enough time together? Is it definitely you that your partner wants or your access path to America?

 

These are rhetorical questions, I'm not asking you to actually answer them here - but it's something to weigh up in your head and if you're not sure of the answer, then perhaps it's time to slow things down.

 

On the other hand, you absolutely don't want paranoia to destroy a great relationship...but you definitely should be confident that it IS a great relationship. Without wanting to be harsh (I'm thinking about 90 Day Fiance here!), if your partner is waaay out your league, whether through age, looks, personality (and again, I'm not talking about you specifically, just the general concept)...then realistically, why are they with you? 

 

So again, just to be clear, I'm not in anyway suggesting this is the case with your relationship - just highlighting the importance of being rational and honest with yourself before committing to being a sponsor (and that's for any potential sponsor reading this).

Well said.  I am a bit concerned about the age difference, though its not like those on 90 day Fiance.  Its wide, but not extreme I don't believe.  Thats actually my only concern out of the ones you mentioned.  Other than that, we are well matched and look good together.  Of course thats my biased view.  But you can see from the picture here.

 

Jorgedig, yes, I agree.  In fact, I told her there is no way we will marry before 60 days.  She had actually agreed to that as well.  But recently she said she thought I should know after 30 days living together.  Why is it all my decision? Well, its not, but she said she was 100% sure about me.  I don't really understand how she could be at this point.  We've spent 20 days together on vacation.  Real life is completely different and trust me, thats not lost on me.  I think thats why I'm really getting worked up.  We've had many cultural differences.  Those are mostly solved, but I'm sure there will be more to come.  I don't understand her culture the way I do Spanish, for example.  In another life, I thought I would marry a Latin woman, but it never happened.  Anyway, I think I'm flexible enough to go with the flow on things, I just don't think she is and thats getting under my skin.  I need compromise in a marriage, as thats part of what you have to do.  I'm not sure she sees it that way.

[JeffAtl 16]

8 minutes ago, Adventine said:

 

I understand there is a great strain on you. It's great that you are being honest with yourself (and us) about the stress.

 

I highly recommend that you discuss all your concerns in a loving and respectful way with your fiancee. Who knows, maybe she's also dealing with questions of her own about your relationship. Remember that she is going to leave her home country and going to adjust to a completely different way of life. As a K1 visa holder, she will be extremely vulnerable both emotionally (separated from most of her family and friends) and financially (cannot work until she gets her EAD).

 

If you can arrange some kind of teleconference with a marriage counselor before her arrival in the States, that would be great too.

 

 

 

We did pre-marital counseling at my urging.  She was NOT on board, which really concerned me.  She did get something out of it and I think she's glad we did it, but I didn't understand why she wouldn't want to do that for US, not just for me.

[RLA 324]

1 hour ago, JeffAtl said:

The strain is incredible and I'm investing tens of thousands of dollars.

If you don't mind me asking — what are you spending that much money on?  Attorney fees?

 

Anyway, props to you for thinking through all the implications before having your fiancee move across the ocean.  I'd look at it this way: When you marry her you are anyway taking on a certain financial responsibility for her.  Even more so if you two are planning on having kids.  You're being her sponsor just extends that responsbility a bit, and only in certain circumstances and in a limited way.  If you did get divorced a few years hence the sponsorship will probably pale in comparison with the all the legal costs + splitting of marital assets + potentially alimony and child support.  The main question is if you want to marry her and build a life with her.  If your answer is yes then don't worry about the sponsorship.

 

And, as others have said, here on VisaJourney we've never heard of a case where the authorities actually tried to come after a sponsor.

[Adventine 3,201]

5 minutes ago, JeffAtl said:

We did pre-marital counseling at my urging.  She was NOT on board, which really concerned me.  She did get something out of it and I think she's glad we did it, but I didn't understand why she wouldn't want to do that for US, not just for me.

 

I think you should try pre-marital counseling again before she arrives in the US, or at the very least, that you travel to her country to spend more time with her before the marriage. Based on all you've said here, you need more assurance that you guys have a solid foundation.

[Zoeeeeeee 797]

1 minute ago, JeffAtl said:

Well said.  I am a bit concerned about the age difference, though its not like those on 90 day Fiance.  Its wide, but not extreme I don't believe.  Thats actually my only concern out of the ones you mentioned.  Other than that, we are well matched and look good together.  Of course thats my biased view.  But you can see from the picture here.

 

Jorgedig, yes, I agree.  In fact, I told her there is no way we will marry before 60 days.  She had actually agreed to that as well.  But recently she said she thought I should know after 30 days living together.  Why is it all my decision? Well, its not, but she said she was 100% sure about me.  I don't really understand how she could be at this point.  We've spent 20 days together on vacation.  Real life is completely different and trust me, thats not lost on me.  I think thats why I'm really getting worked up.  We've had many cultural differences.  Those are mostly solved, but I'm sure there will be more to come.  I don't understand her culture the way I do Spanish, for example.  In another life, I thought I would marry a Latin woman, but it never happened.  Anyway, I think I'm flexible enough to go with the flow on things, I just don't think she is and thats getting under my skin.  I need compromise in a marriage, as thats part of what you have to do.  I'm not sure she sees it that way.

You're right - 20 vacation days are very different to 20 normal days/weeks/months/years. 

 

I was lucky, in that my now-husband and I got to spend 4 months together dating, whilst I was on holiday in the US for 6 months. But you know what? We never argued in that time, because I was on holiday and feeling super relaxed.

 

I then went back to the UK and we did long distance dating for 2 years - we'd have daily video calls and we visited each other 4-5 times a year...and over that time, my husband DID get to see me stressed, angry, upset etc - he got to see me when I was busy with work - he got to listen my jealous side, my bitchy side...and I got to learn his sullen side, his carelessness, etc. 

 

That time we spent, waiting, meant we were able to honestly see each other and make an informed decision about whether we right for one another. If you can do something similar, I definitely recommend it - for both of you 🙂.

[Zoeeeeeee 797]

11 minutes ago, JeffAtl said:

Well said.  I am a bit concerned about the age difference, though its not like those on 90 day Fiance.  Its wide, but not extreme I don't believe.  Thats actually my only concern out of the ones you mentioned.  Other than that, we are well matched and look good together.  Of course thats my biased view.  But you can see from the picture here.

Oh absolutely! Again, please understand that I was speaking in a general sense here, for anyone reading, not about you specifically - I was actually envisioning a specific 90 Days couple when I wrote it! I don't wish to cause any offense, as absolutely none was intended! 🙏

[JeffAtl 16]

1 minute ago, Zoeeeeeee said:

You're right - 20 vacation days are very different to 20 normal days/weeks/months/years. 

 

I was lucky, in that my now-husband and I got to spend 4 months together dating, whilst I was on holiday in the US for 6 months. But you know what? We never argued in that time, because I was on holiday and feeling super relaxed.

 

I then went back to the UK and we did long distance dating for 2 years - we'd have daily video calls and we visited each other 4-5 times a year...and over that time, my husband DID get to see me stressed, angry, upset etc - he got to see me when I was busy with work - he got to listen my jealous side, my bitchy side...and I got to learn his sullen side, his carelessness, etc. 

 

That time we spent, waiting, meant we were able to honestly see each other and make an informed decision about whether we right for one another. If you can do something similar, I definitely recommend it - for both of you 🙂.

Thats fantastic! Congrats on making it work.  I've seen those sides to her as well.  We won't have kids due to my age, but she does have a 14 year old son.  He's a good kid and I'm looking forward to being a stepdad.  But that complicates things even more! We got into arguments on vacation over her jealousy issues and for some reason an issue with me drinking (mind you this was an all inclusive and not once did I overindulge).  So I'm concerned its a sign of things to come, with the biggest thing being her unwillingness to compromise which I keep revisiting in my mind.  I feel like she's a bit rigid.  I may be wrong, but it's concerning.  Now I know many will say don't do this because you're also disrupting her son's life.  But he has no father and he will have way more opportunity here if this works out.  I do think about him as well though.  I have to.

[Ontarkie 14,413]

At first reading your posts I was just thinking you are just making sure you understood the aos.  

The more comments you make looks like your mind is telling you one thing and your heart another.  To me it looks like you have doubts, so follow your gut and take a step back and look at everything again. 

[Zoeeeeeee 797]

13 minutes ago, JeffAtl said:

We did pre-marital counseling at my urging.  She was NOT on board, which really concerned me.  She did get something out of it and I think she's glad we did it, but I didn't understand why she wouldn't want to do that for US, not just for me.

That could potentially be due to the difference in culture and the difference in ages though. America as a whole is very open to therapy and counseling - I find it's more taboo in other countries - and having spent time in the Ukraine when I was younger, I would imagine Ukraine is probably one of them! 

 

I'm from the UK and even there, it's only been fairly recently that counseling hasn't been seen as a 'weakness' or meaning something's wrong with you...

[SalishSea 18,080]

36 minutes ago, JeffAtl said:

Well said.  I am a bit concerned about the age difference, though its not like those on 90 day Fiance.  Its wide, but not extreme I don't believe.  Thats actually my only concern out of the ones you mentioned.  Other than that, we are well matched and look good together.  Of course thats my biased view.  But you can see from the picture here.

 

Jorgedig, yes, I agree.  In fact, I told her there is no way we will marry before 60 days.  She had actually agreed to that as well.  But recently she said she thought I should know after 30 days living together.  Why is it all my decision? Well, its not, but she said she was 100% sure about me.  I don't really understand how she could be at this point.  We've spent 20 days together on vacation.  Real life is completely different and trust me, thats not lost on me.  I think thats why I'm really getting worked up.  We've had many cultural differences.  Those are mostly solved, but I'm sure there will be more to come.  I don't understand her culture the way I do Spanish, for example.  In another life, I thought I would marry a Latin woman, but it never happened.  Anyway, I think I'm flexible enough to go with the flow on things, I just don't think she is and thats getting under my skin.  I need compromise in a marriage, as thats part of what you have to do.  I'm not sure she sees it that way.

This is a situation where you would have been much better off spending more time together in person before petitioning anyone.  The 90 days is not intended as a "trial", as evidenced by the statement you signed on intent to marry.

 

And "looking good together"?  Really?  That is very superficial and not an attribute that will lead to a long-term committed marriage.

[JeffAtl 16]

3 minutes ago, Jorgedig said:

This is a situation where you would have been much better off spending more time together in person before petitioning anyone.  The 90 days is not intended as a "trial", as evidenced by the statement you signed on intent to marry.

 

And "looking good together"?  Really?  That is very superficial and not an attribute that will lead to a long-term committed marriage.

Well, it is what it is now.  I'm glad I didn't wait given how long it has taken.  Life has been passing me by and I needed a change because I want to experience life with someone I love vs. alone.  But of course 90 days is needed for most as you just can't be a nomad (most of us can't) and live in another country for months on end unless you're rich or retired or attending a foreign exchange student program, I guess.  I'm not in any of those positions.

 

Thanks, but I am not superficial.  My comment was just to say the age difference isn't obvious to most.

 

 

Edited April 28, 2021 by JeffAtl

[SalishSea 18,080]

5 minutes ago, JeffAtl said:

Well, it is what it is now.  I'm glad I didn't wait given how long it has taken.  Life has been passing me by and I needed a change because I want to experience life with someone I love vs. alone.  But of course 90 days is needed for most as you just can't be a nomad (most of us can't) and live in another country for months on end unless you're rich or retired or attending a foreign exchange student program, I guess.  I'm not in any of those positions.

 

Thanks, but I am not superficial.  My comment was just to say the age difference isn't obvious to most.

 

 

Well then I guess it's fair to suggest that you are embarking on a marriage to someone you don't know well, having just spent a few weeks together in person.  As a 'mature' person, I'm sure you recognize the risks.  Good luck.