Apology

[Sister Fracas 5]

If the discussion is to continue, it should focus on repairing some relationships and assessing the value of honesty and forthrightness in conversations at VJ.

Yes, that's why I clarified...

My point being that I think people aren't always looking for honesty...just a feel good response. I'm not pointing fingers at anyone (just a general comment)...but is that all we want? Let me know the rules...

Edited March 30, 2006 by Frances

[meauxna 15]

If the discussion is to continue, it should focus on repairing some relationships and assessing the value of honesty and forthrightness in conversations at VJ.

Ha ha!

Um, I mean, care to clarify?

[CarolineM 0]

Just a question, don't attack me,

Michelle - what kind of support system do you have there? Do you have family or friends you can talk to? or is that the role that VJ plays for you?

Honestly just curious.

[almaty 19]

sister lynee, you are one of the most postive posters here..and #1 in my book/...dean

[Euro 3]

If the discussion is to continue, it should focus on repairing some relationships and assessing the value of honesty and forthrightness in conversations at VJ.

Yes, that's why I clarified...

My point being that I think people aren't always looking for honesty...just a feel good response. I'm not pointing fingers at anyone (just a general comment)...but is that all we want? Let me know the rules...

I prefer honesty!! ..............BUT that said i dont have a clue whats going on here!!

[w¡n9Nµ7 §£@¥€r 123]

VJ needs a smiley bot. When it detects a post that has certain keywords that may indicate anguish/sadness on part of the poster, it will automatically jump in, spawn multiple screen names and post hugs and smileys.

You know, spare the rest of us the trouble.

[Hilarious Clinton 452]

My point being that I think people aren't always looking for honesty...just a feel good response. I'm not pointing fingers at anyone (just a general comment)...but is that all we want? Let me know the rules...

Right. If you post on a message board expect mixed responses. If you only want good responses then send a PM or e-mail. geez

[faith 0]

If the discussion is to continue, it should focus on repairing some relationships and assessing the value of honesty and forthrightness in conversations at VJ.

Yes, that's why I clarified...

My point being that I think people aren't always looking for honesty...just a feel good response. I'm not pointing fingers at anyone (just a general comment)...but is that all we want? Let me know the rules...

I think different people in different situations want different things. When it's a situation that's out of our control (immigration process) I think a lot of feel good responses is what we want. And is that a bad thing? Not necessarily if it does the trick of making you feel better. And advice in those situations are wanted as well. I don't think we can generalize and say all of us want the same reaction.

Just a question, don't attack me,

Michelle - what kind of support system do you have there? Do you have family or friends you can talk to? or is that the role that VJ plays for you?

Honestly just curious.

That's a good question, however, I think the point should be made that sometimes it is easier to vent to a virtual stranger than it is to your family and friends about delicate issues. Sometimes that is what people need.

[Mand 1]

If the discussion is to continue, it should focus on repairing some relationships and assessing the value of honesty and forthrightness in conversations at VJ.

Yes, that's why I clarified...

My point being that I think people aren't always looking for honesty...just a feel good response. I'm not pointing fingers at anyone (just a general comment)...but is that all we want? Let me know the rules...

I agree that honesty goes a long way in helping to solve issues, other than that, the area under discussion just becomes a vicious cycle.

[MichelleandCraig 1]

Hello everyone. Wow! the response since I went to bed! Anyway..first and foremost I stand by my original post that *I*(as Becca said) felt an apology was in order. However, in a not so rude way, I would like to reply to a couple of things here.

We do not have a separation issue. We went through it just like the rest of you did here, and we lived! We just don't WANT to be apart right now. For a long time it bothered Craig(we didn't apply for AP because we didn't have the extra money at that time and knew we wouldn't afford the ticket anyway)that he didn't even have the CHOICE to go home..he felt trapped so to speak..if he needed to go home for a visit, he was unable to..that was a big thing. We always knew he wanted to go back after we got his green card. The first trip as I said..things had been tense for a long time(and not every moment but for months off and on) this wasn't due so much to bad things in our relationship, just that feelings and difficulties he was having were spilling over bigime and I wasn't being as understanding as I could have been after all that time(and I could have been much more so!) and he wasn't being as understanding as he could have been about how I was really being affected by it all. The adjustment process was really the catlyist (sp?) for all of it tho. So..when he left, and came back..I really couldn't believe it and didn't expect it at all..but after losing his job(taking too long for him to get his CDL ..he did NOT quit..they gave him a week severance and everything..it was a town job for a tiny town around here)he just thought he may as well go soon instead of waiting around without a job,etc. When he came back it was because he didn't want to miss our anniversary, and he didn't want things to be tense between us before he went.(which, the few days before, they weren't..I just meant overall) I encouraged him to go, even tho I would miss him. I said you have the ticket now, etc etc. We tried to change it until after our anniversary, but due to the low cost of the ticket, it wasn't changeable. So..when he came back we shortly rebooked the ticket for after our anniversary. After 3 really wonderful weeks, after he set out..he realized(in his words, a few times)that "I'm going to be away from you for a MONTH..and it's 'just Gillingham'! " He still , of course, wants! to go and see his parents, friends, Daryl, etc, but thinks like I do,that it would be nice if we could go together like we always talked about. When he came over we said we probably wouldn't have to make that long flight alone again, as we would be going over together from now on. Again, nothing wrong with that IMO. We have just reached a point where it's kicking in that 'we can learn to get past these adjustment issues, and know there will be good and bad days, and we will get through them..because with just the thoughts of being apart for an extended time, and the ability!! to actually DO so without anyone saying NO you cant! might have been really what a lot of it was about. We will! make the trip when we're able, and if for some reason, I can't go in several more months, Craig will go alone..it's not that he can't..we just want to be together. If all it took was a couple hundred mile drive a couple times for him to feel that way, then I'm all for it.

There hasn't ever been any verbal abuse or anything like that as someone posted(and they didn't say Craig..they said someone in a past relationship of theirs) Craig has always just told me how he felt about things..well, not always..but when I would keep asking him,etc etc...and although,for my part of it..it shouldn't have caused problems, sometimes it did. Sometimes I felt like..you moved here to be with ME...what about US? I really needed to take some time to step back I suppose..and think....if this were ME how would *I* feel?? could I just adjust and be fine with things? Truth is, I don't know. When I reallythink about the gravity of what he, and so many others, on here have done I'm in awe that anyone would do this for love...but I'm sothankful! IMO, it takes someone as long as it takes to get to that point that they're going to be ok with it. What my mistake was(and I truly mean mistake..again..not being 'funny') was turning the thread he started into a 'blog' so to speak. I DID post about every up and every down and I didn't think it was a problem..I was, in fact, kind of using it as an online diary..one where I could actually get feedback. If people hadn't responded in such a way(and not blaming anyone for anything surely!)"this has helped me, thank you for sharing"etc etc etc all the way!!! through the thread, I probably would have stopped ages ago. I felt I was encouraged to continue on with it, and I also enjoyed being able to just come to it for support on a bad day and to post our good news on a good day. I'm sorry if some grew weary of reading it, (and I'm DEFINITELY sorry if it upset anyone who would be moving over!!), but at the same time I feel that no one HAD to read it..sometimes it was just nice to get it all out to people who might have gone through similar circumstances. As Craig said last night, the main reason he didn't come back to the thread was because he got HIS question answered in the first several posts 'does anyone feel like I do, is this normal" The answer was a resounding YES.Not everyone, of course, but many have had the same difficulties. I know of many people on VJ who have been here quite a while and are still verymuch in love, but are having a hard time just 'being HERE'. Craig thinks America is every bit as good as England, don't get me wrong..it just hasn't been normal, or home.(except in our house!) I think as we get older, that gets even harder, and I may be wrong. We are a bit set in our ways by ourmid 30s, established friends, etc etc and it might(might!) be even harder to leave than someone who's never had a place of his/her own, etc etc. I may be wrong there tho..I think it's just harder for some than others.

As for being on the computer....when Igot on the first time to make my post, CRaig was on the phone to his friend Lee again who was meant to pick him up from the airport, so we weren't losing a minute of time together with him having just gotten back.He got off the phone with him in a hurry(having just gotten on it)when I walked in, so after he surprised me, he rung him back. Later, he had gone to bed when I was posting..in the middle of our chat he went to bed...and I've had some difficulty getting to sleep early lately, and have been up until all hours some nights(nothing to do with US) and so I was on here posting. I made a brief one after we got home from shopping in town for a couple of hours yesterday but it certainly didn't take more than five minutes of my time..and I think I can! be away from Craig for that long!(or as long as he ever needed actually...again..we just don't want to be apart right now..nothing wrong with that!)

Basically, when I posted yesterday...I was just a bit sad like anyone would be on or off this site..that I wasn't going to see my honey for a month. Things have been really great, and I was going to miss him. When he got home, I was VERY shocked, but happy, so I posted. I think the majority of you are right about posting info here, so I won't do that anymore. If anyone has any questions,etc etc I will finish out this thread, but then that's it as far as personal info. Maybe it has been too much, but I didn't think it was bothering anyone. Now that I know it is, I will refrain. Thanks all of you.. M.

Ok, the point here is I AM trying to apologize here for overreacting to the "honesty" (meaning what others! think of our relationship) Let's not lose sight of that here and start again 'you should take the good with the bad,etc' I guess that's what I'm trying to acknowledge here. That said, I don't think I came on any thread recently(or if ever!) and asked for advice. Doesn't mean I wont GET it, I realize that..just saying..that I'm almost 34, I will make my own choices, and the situation was exactly as a lot of people assumed in the IN thread...I just wanted to vent or share..it wasn't necessary to me to receive advice. I'm also not annoyed that people tried to give it..if they could leave it at that. There were a few derrogatory comments that weren't constructive at all(and not just in Gimys post at all) that I took exception to, and I didn't feel needed to have been made.(the last line in that post for one) I'm not trying to start THAT up again, water under the bridge and Gimy that's your opinion and you're entitled to it. I was also annoyed by insinuations that we didn't even HAVE two tickets bought,etc etc..like I was some kind of VJ troll or something(not said in those words by anyone at all!) No one who has been here for that long comes along with a story like that do they(forget AK Diver for a minute!! )But really..not something I would do. I do have a good support system here...I talk to 3 main best friends, my mom and dad, and CRaigs mum and dad as well. I don't feel the need to tell them every little detail but they know the major difficulties,etc...and somone just hit the nail on the head..it's much easier to tell those little things to people online...we've never met..we may or may not in future...and usually..it's non judgemental. You say how you feel, get it out, get some feedback, or not and move on. Same reason psychiatrists sometimes tell someone to write a letter to someone and never mail it..just helps to get it out. Anyway, nuf said for now..sorry so long! Just answering a couple questions. M.

[Sister Fracas 5]

Maybe it has been too much, but I didn't think it was bothering anyone. Now that I know it is, I will refrain. Thanks all of you.. M.

I don't notice anyone saying your thread bothered them. It's entirely YOUR prerogative to remove a thread or refrain from posting, but please don't make it seem like someone pushed you to remove it or stop posting about it. That's all I'll say about that.

And finally...good luck to your family.

[MichelleandCraig 1]

Frances that was in chat last night. NO ONE said to remove it or anything else..yes, that was all me. I was truly just talking about if it WAS causing bad feelings in people,etc I don't really care if it gets removed or not...that's all. I respect you, but please don't mind it sound like I'm over dramatizing either. I was made to feel like I should! stop posting about these things for SURE in chat..and I will. not a problem. even in this thread it's been said....happy, sad, etc etc whats the point, it's all getting a bit old,etc etc...that to me screams!! stop talking about it! which, as I said, is not a problem. That said, the apology was meant to be!!! just that...I overreacted and I'm sorry for it. I will stop posting the personal stuff. I CAN do that, just didn't realize it was creating problems for some. M.

Just to add, part of this IS my own doing(to stop posting about all the personal stuff) and part of it has been others saying so. The part that's mine is this...I wasn't ever MEANING! to solicit advice. That said, I've realized what I should have some time ago..even if you're just venting, you're going to get it. If you don't want that, don't post it. Not being cranky here, just honest. I don't want it, as we are doing things as we think best,will continue to do, and will be fine....that can only be proved over time, and it will be. With all the difficulties I have talked about over the last year, I get the fact that no one is going to say..oh ok..it's fine now. We will have more struggles in the future, that I'm sure about..EVERY couple does to some extent..what I'm saying is these 'trips!' have made me realize that Craig really does want to be here, he's just feeling conflicted about the move...with time, he will be alright, and I will be more supportive, he will be more understanding of how I feel, and we'll make it.

Edited March 30, 2006 by MichelleandCraig

[Welshcookie 17]

Michelle.....maybe the best thing to do right now is to get this particular thread closed....

[meauxna 15]

please don't mind it sound like I'm over dramatizing either. I was made to feel like I should! stop posting about these things for SURE in chat..and I will.

Michelle, there's a concept you might want to look at, right there.

Woman, you have power you don't even realize. NO ONE can "make" you feel any one way or another.

You choose. You have the power to choose how you feel.

Meditate on that one for awhile. Really.

[Dixie_Peach 1]

not at all.

did you see my previous post where I said there's pattern where we hear what's wrong and then offer support 100 times. That, to me, is when I find it meaningless. Read over the immigrants nightmere threads and see how many times people have given a smiley, a hug a flower...To me, honestly, it's nice, but I don't need the constant reassurance and validation that others need here....

but if you feel you want to re-think your smileys to me - so be it. I'm sorry you feel that way.

(HAHAH sounds like I'm begging for hugs and smileys...oooh lord.)

I save my hugz for real people.

I am real people... hehe... but i got what ya meant...

I think we're getting a bit off-topic here; smileys and the use thereof are a fairly universal concern, if you can call it that, on message boards and it has very little to do with the topic at hand.

If the discussion is to continue, it should focus on repairing some relationships and assessing the value of honesty and forthrightness in conversations at VJ.

that would be my fault pax... sorry i got off topic!

sister lynee, you are one of the most postive posters here..and #1 in my book/...dean

brother dean... you are #1 with me too!!! *always got some hugs for ya* hehe

If the discussion is to continue, it should focus on repairing some relationships and assessing the value of honesty and forthrightness in conversations at VJ.

Yes, that's why I clarified...

My point being that I think people aren't always looking for honesty...just a feel good response. I'm not pointing fingers at anyone (just a general comment)...but is that all we want? Let me know the rules...

I prefer honesty!! ..............BUT that said i dont have a clue whats going on here!!

i agree... i always want honesty... feel that in real life, there is little of that now-adays...

VJ needs a smiley bot. When it detects a post that has certain keywords that may indicate anguish/sadness on part of the poster, it will automatically jump in, spawn multiple screen names and post hugs and smileys.

You know, spare the rest of us the trouble.

AS... now that is the best idea i have heard in a long time!

If the discussion is to continue, it should focus on repairing some relationships and assessing the value of honesty and forthrightness in conversations at VJ.

Yes, that's why I clarified...

My point being that I think people aren't always looking for honesty...just a feel good response. I'm not pointing fingers at anyone (just a general comment)...but is that all we want? Let me know the rules...

I agree that honesty goes a long way in helping to solve issues, other than that, the area under discussion just becomes a vicious cycle.

now... let me apologise to michelle and craig for getting this thread off topic... sorry...

wishing the best for allllllllllll vjer's... truly!