Not adjusting to new life in the US

[Bug&Bug 147]

Ive been 2 months in California now, I sent you a message.

 

Also, I am one of those people that got lots of exported spanish products when immigrated to the UK, the fact I cant do it now makes me sad

[jim_julian 26]

You've gotten a number of good suggestions but I haven't seen anyone mention church.  Churches in California are open and restrictions are falling by the wayside.  We belong to a 1500 member church and our church emphasizes inclusiveness and the creation of small groups.  Even though the church is large we found it easy to develop friendships.  Many churches have fellowship groups, support groups, women's groups, mother's groups, couples groups, etc.  Just a quick look at Sacramento churches disclosed Westminster Presbyterian, which seemed to have many of the features mentioned above.  Spend a few Sundays going "church visiting".  Research each church on their website.  As of May I believe the signup requirements to limit attendance will be dropped in California.  I suggest looking at medium to larger churches that appear to have the resources we are talking about.  Remember, you don't have to be extremely religious to attend a church.  Many attendees are ordinary folks just like you and I.  I urge you to give it a try ... good luck!

[Albatross 16]

My wife has many of the same issues.  She is not postpartum with a new baby, however.  She is 50.  She does not speak any significant amount of English yet, and at least you seem to be reasonably fluent (I am reasonably fluent in Russian, so that is our common language).  My wife has a Ukrainian driver's license, but is afraid to drive here in Texas.  Worse, she is used to living in a city environment, and my home is on the distant fringe of suburbia.  Between language, location, and not driving she is essentially a prisoner when I am not home.  And she is not alone in feeling as she does.  She is not my first Ukrainian wife, and over the last 30 years I have known several women, both in the US and in Ukraine who were not happy living in the US.  Probably 60% were not happy here.  Many of those even left and went back home to Ukraine.  Some were US citizens, some threw away the Green Card, did not want to even come back for a visit, and it was not about their partner, it was just that they didn't like living in the US.  We have my wife's Green Card interview in a few weeks, and I anticipate that after that, she will go home for a couple of months.  I don't think she really wants to spend more than half of her time in the US looking forward.  I am semi-retired, so I can spend some of that time in Ukraine with her.  I am a retired Army Colonel, have lived all over the world since I was a child, and am comfortable in many places.  Some of the discomfort in living out of your native country is related to when you began to travel.  The earlier it begins the easier it is to live somewhere else.  The later you begin, the more difficult it becomes.

[Mylilelar 8]

My wife and I we're married on December 7th, 2017 and the last I saw her was December 11,2017 until I picked her up in San Francisco on February 11 of this year. OVER THREE YEARS. A LARGE and extended family in the Philippines and they chat daily. She plans on working soon in a deli here but we are not rushing it. Our plan was and is to have ROAD TRIPS in the Pacific Northwest of places I have not even been to before. She leans on me constantly for absolutely everything as she should. The road trips are awesome as it leaves her talking about it for days after each one.

Took her skiing on the last day the resort was open. 

My advice is to get the neck out of the house IF YOU CAN and exp!ore your new country.

[JoBri 548]

On 4/17/2021 at 4:40 AM, Sego said:

Hi everyone,

I didn't know where to share this but I am thinking a community of people that went or are going through the same process than me might be good eyes on my situation. Maybe there is not a concrete answer but I need to talk.

 

So, my fiance and I applied for our K1 in Spring 2019. We got one RFE but ultimately got approved in December. We went through the ups and downs of being away during the process etc etc. We were so close to be over with being long distance as my K1 interview was scheduled for march 19h 2020 and then borders closed few days before my interview... Shortly after this we learned we were pregnant with our first baby. So I lived my pregnancy alone, during covid stay at home orders etc etc. He managed to be with me for the birth and we were in my country until our baby was one month old. Thanks to now being a mother of a US citizen I got my K1 and we all moved to California at the end of November. We jumped quickly into Christmas break and celebration and I was kind of in a bubble but since January I feel miserable.

Not only I am adapting to a new country but also being postpartum and all of this during COVID, with no friends or family around and very few social interactions, it is extremely difficult. I've been an expat before so I knew that it will not be easy right away but it is now almost 5 months and I still feel I am not adapting at all! Our living situation is not ideal and my husband works from home (we are moving soon and I hope it will help). I have a hard time accepting that I need to drive everywhere to do anything. I do not feel safe walking around by myself with our daughter. I grew up in a village and this is where i was for my pregnancy and after birth but I also lived in major cities like Paris and Tokyo and I had no issues back then but something feels so different now for me, I cannot really explain it. So my days are so long and boring, most of my time home watching TV. I feel very lonely and isolated. I had a great career before (I miss it!!) and it has been on pause but all I want is go back to work but of course the work authorization application we sent along with my green card is being delayed because of COVID backlog. I was looking forward to go home this summer to see my family and recharge but even that I am not sure I will be able to if I do not have my AP card. My father didn't even got a chance to meet with his grand daughter because we had to leave so quickly after birth. I just feel the situation will not get any better and I know it is compromising our long term plans we had here in California as I feel I really do not belong here. I just feel it has been such a battle and it will be until I get my citizenship and doing this during Covid times made it so so so much harder. 

 

I am not sure if anyone felt the same way after moving or if you can share how you managed to recreate a social circle and rebuilt a life from scratch after you move on a K1.

Thank you for your support and understanding.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I know it is difficult for you. I am the US citizen husband, and my wife is from the Philippines. She had a hard time too. She even left when she became pregnant, and went back to the Philippines. She had a great career there too. But when she was away for a month she had time to think about things and where her heart was at, and thank God she came back to me. She worked at menial work here, at first, and then changed careers and decided on becoming a nurse. She worked at caring for the elderly and housekeeping at a hospital, and serving meals to high school students while going to nursing school. She is a US citizen, à nurse, and an officer in the Air Force,  and we have been married 13 years with an 11 year old son. It takes patience and a willingness to adapt, I guess, and reinvent oneself, and embrace a new life and look for the good things in that new life. I feel for your heartache. I just know things got good, in our home, with time

[fornabroad 6]

Hello Sego,

 

I understand how you feel and went through those feelings of not belonging, isolation, boredom, sadness, loneliness, malady. I moved from England to California in 2016 and knew only my wife. I also couldn't work until I got my EAD. So frustrating!

 

But, things got better. I joined a men's group that I found on MeetUp and that has helped me a lot. The camaraderie is important. I got my EAD and got a job. And now I'm on my second job here. I go for walks just to walk. It's weird that people do not walk to the shops or to friends' houses here, but I walk anyway. If you don't feel safe walking then I hope you can move to a place where you do feel safe.

 

Before COVID I went back to England at least once a year, and my sister and my mother have been here to visit. It helps to make plans to visit home - plan for later this year or next spring. 

 

I also find it soothing and nourishing to take in the natural beauty in California. Visiting the state and national parks, Monterey Bay, Napa Valley, Tahoe, Yosemite Park. Camping in state parks is very cheap and a great way to see the wilderness.

 

It is hard to begin with, but it can get easier. I recommend looking on MeetUp to find groups and activities in your area.

 

Best of luck!

[dressaim 2]

Have you tried the app meetup? We move around a lot because my husband is in the military and it's one of the ways I use to meet people and try new hobbies. It's already hard making friends as an adult and I can only imagine how lonely and isolating it was moving to a new country during a pandemic when everything is shut down.  If you're in California their website tell you what activity is open by county: https://covid19.ca.gov/safer-economy/

[Sego 31]

4 hours ago, dressaim said:

Have you tried the app meetup? We move around a lot because my husband is in the military and it's one of the ways I use to meet people and try new hobbies. It's already hard making friends as an adult and I can only imagine how lonely and isolating it was moving to a new country during a pandemic when everything is shut down.  If you're in California their website tell you what activity is open by county: https://covid19.ca.gov/safer-economy/

Yes I am aware of it, i've used when I lived overseas to meet with people but nowadays with covid it is mostly remote event but I will for sure give it a try once I feel comofortable socializing!

[Sego 31]

8 hours ago, JoBri said:

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I know it is difficult for you. I am the US citizen husband, and my wife is from the Philippines. She had a hard time too. She even left when she became pregnant, and went back to the Philippines. She had a great career there too. But when she was away for a month she had time to think about things and where her heart was at, and thank God she came back to me. She worked at menial work here, at first, and then changed careers and decided on becoming a nurse. She worked at caring for the elderly and housekeeping at a hospital, and serving meals to high school students while going to nursing school. She is a US citizen, à nurse, and an officer in the Air Force,  and we have been married 13 years with an 11 year old son. It takes patience and a willingness to adapt, I guess, and reinvent oneself, and embrace a new life and look for the good things in that new life. I feel for your heartache. I just know things got good, in our home, with time

I am so glad to read your story and see that things got good over time. I think part of the difficulty for me is definitely linked to the post partum and not having my family around in such a new stage of life. Gives me hope that I will embrace this new life and find a way to make it mine one day! 

[Sego 31]

6 hours ago, fornabroad said:

Hello Sego,

 

I understand how you feel and went through those feelings of not belonging, isolation, boredom, sadness, loneliness, malady. I moved from England to California in 2016 and knew only my wife. I also couldn't work until I got my EAD. So frustrating!

 

But, things got better. I joined a men's group that I found on MeetUp and that has helped me a lot. The camaraderie is important. I got my EAD and got a job. And now I'm on my second job here. I go for walks just to walk. It's weird that people do not walk to the shops or to friends' houses here, but I walk anyway. If you don't feel safe walking then I hope you can move to a place where you do feel safe.

 

Before COVID I went back to England at least once a year, and my sister and my mother have been here to visit. It helps to make plans to visit home - plan for later this year or next spring. 

 

I also find it soothing and nourishing to take in the natural beauty in California. Visiting the state and national parks, Monterey Bay, Napa Valley, Tahoe, Yosemite Park. Camping in state parks is very cheap and a great way to see the wilderness.

 

It is hard to begin with, but it can get easier. I recommend looking on MeetUp to find groups and activities in your area.

 

Best of luck!

Hello! Thank you for commenting and sharing. We moved to a part of the city I feel more comfortable with and I will walk more for sure, this is something I am NOT ready to give up ^^. Everytime I need to go somewhere my first thing is to check if I can walk instead of drive. 

We were supposed to have our church wedding this summer but it got cancelled because I have no ideas when I will get my advance parole but for sure I plan to go back home hopefully by the end of this year!

Anyways I will find my way rhythm at some point and settle. What's surprising to me is when I moved to Japan on my own it felt like home from the very first day, I was walking around all the time even super late at night, connected with people quite easily and quickly. But for this experience is different, not being able to work is socially difficult because its doesnt allow to build relationship. Looking forward to be able to go back to work! 

 

[Sego 31]

20 hours ago, Mylilelar said:

My wife and I we're married on December 7th, 2017 and the last I saw her was December 11,2017 until I picked her up in San Francisco on February 11 of this year. OVER THREE YEARS. A LARGE and extended family in the Philippines and they chat daily. She plans on working soon in a deli here but we are not rushing it. Our plan was and is to have ROAD TRIPS in the Pacific Northwest of places I have not even been to before. She leans on me constantly for absolutely everything as she should. The road trips are awesome as it leaves her talking about it for days after each one.

Took her skiing on the last day the resort was open. 

My advice is to get the neck out of the house IF YOU CAN and exp!ore your new country.

My husband wants to go on roadtrips too, I think it is a great idea for sure! looking forward for his summer break so we can explore! This is actually something I am so excited about, discover all the diversity of landscapes the US has to offer.

[flicks1998 1,044]

I feel everyone's pain here and Im the USC.  I moved back to the US after 25 years away from the country and it has not been easy to adjust.  The country is not what it once was at all.  My 25 years were predominately in Asia, Hong Kong, Philippines, Singapore, Cambodia, Vietnam and Thailand were my work locations.  Did live for 2 years in Beijing and hated it but enjoyed everywhere else.  Philippines was my main residence country as I would fly every weekend from Hong Kong back to Manila and then Monday morning back to HK for work.  Did that for about 3 years and same travel schedule with Singapore for 3 years.  

 

I think most Americans who have spent any time in Asia will say its an extremely exciting place to be.  So many opportunities exist in the region for foreigners.  It was extremely easy to secure well paying jobs and get the appropriate work visas.  I miss being able to fly out on a Thursday night to some country and return on Sunday night or Monday morning.  Pre-COVID airfares were ridiculously cheap in the region.  Also, US taxes are horrible especially compared to Singapore and Hong Kong.  I remember when my son was born in the Philippines, my place of employment at the time was Hong Kong and even though my son lived in the Philippines, I could still declare the tax credit that the government gives for newborns.  I believe the credit was 120,000 HKD which was about $15.5K USD.  Singapore wasnt as generous but still very low taxes.  

 

In my own opinion, I think alot depends on where you move to the US.  If your moving to larger US city with alot going on, job opportunities, events, etc, then its not so bad.  I love baseball and even though the team is pathetic in Pittsburgh, we have season tickets as it just a fun way to go hang out and its a beautiful park.  Location isnt bad as well with NYC, DC and other cities within a 4-6 hour drive or much less.  I believe there are 13 MLB teams within an 8 hour drive.

 

However, if I was based in a much smaller town, life would be extremely difficult.  In fact, I couldnt do it.  My now wife has adjusted much better to life in the US than I have.  

[Bug&Bug 147]

How is meetup now with covid? I so want to make friends here but covid really threw a spanner in everything.

[fornabroad 6]

3 hours ago, Bug&Bug said:

How is meetup now with covid? I so want to make friends here but covid really threw a spanner in everything.

It's getting better now that the weather is improving and people are getting vaccinated. Even doing yoga and group meetings on Zoom is better than nothing in my opinion!

[l-h 91]

Hi! I just wanted to tell you that everything you're feeling is valid! I first lived in the US for two years for grad school (2014-2016). I think it was really easy to adjust because if was "temporary". Whatever seemed odd or weird, however much I missed my family, I knew that it had an end date. After graduation I moved back to Europe, but I had met my future husband at that point and we did two years of long distance. In 2018 I moved to the US more permanently, we got married and we're building our life here in Boston. At first I really struggled with the career aspect--I had a successful career in Europe where I worked in director-level positions. Here in Boston I had to start at an assistant level pretty much and work myself back up again. It's taken me three years, but I'm currently working at a more similar job to what I had in Europe and that increase in satisfaction with my work has REALLY helped my mental health. So I think once you'll figure out your work authorization, you'll immediately feel a sense of relief.

 

The family and baby aspect is hard too. We don't have a child yet, but we are trying to get pregnant. And I do have some moments where I'm panicking thinking about the fact that my family won't be here 24/7 to help me adjust to motherhood. And it makes me sad to think about the fact that my family won't see my child on weekends, etc. When I start thinking like that I immediately want to move back home. But--I also love my husband and we had made the joint decision to live here. So it's definitely a hard balancing act once the family aspect is added to the equation. So don't be hard on yourself when you're second guessing yourself of feeling down--it's totally natural to go through those emotions!

 

I hope you feel better once things open up a bit more and I hope it helps when we can all travel again. If you ever want to chat about the career aspect or adjusting to life here, you can always message me! Sometimes it's just helpful to chat with someone who has gone through some of the same things