Is Technology Bad for Relationships?

[one...two...tree 2,762]

By Samantha Edwards, Sirens Magazine

Yesterday, at my corner bodega, the cashier was wearing a T-shirt that said, “You looked hotter on MySpace.” As far as I know, she doesn’t speak English. Last night, out on a date with one guy, I received a text from another and then answered it in the bathroom. (In fact, I have often taken to silencing my phone when I’m on dates because, when it rings, it always seems to provoke awkward questions. But, oops, not this time.) And a month ago, a bed-ridden friend of mine found out she’d spent a year in an online relationship with a person who literally did not exist.

I am not a Luddite. In fact, one of my favorite ways to simultaneously put guys in their place and turn them on is to casually respond to their blathering about home theater by mentioning I myself have a brand-new “1080p.” Stops ‘em dead in their tracks. But aside from that little dating trick (go ahead, steal it), I have to say, I’m not sure electronics have helped relationships.

We have so many great ways now to say what we mean, say how we’re feeling: We can write a text-message haiku or express regrets in a 5,000-word email or rekindle a flame by dropping in on an ex’s MySpace. But instead, we’re using our electronic options to lie more than anything. Whether it’s spending an hour crafting that five-line “totally casual” email, putting something “funny” for your birth date on MySpace, or Photoshopping your ex out of that photo (because your hair looks so good in it, natch) before posting it on Match.com, it’s all just so easy. How on earth was my date ever going to know I was standing on that toilet seat, waving my phone around like a madwoman trying to quickly find a better signal?

Not to mention all the new rules. As if we didn’t have enough rules for the poets to have been writing about them for centuries, we now have a whole new set for electronic communication. Take 24 hours to answer an email if you get one after a first date. Only sluts make bootycalls, but a well-crafted bootytext makes subtle art of the whole business (“Hey, you out? J ”). Never, ever, EVER put your real email on a dating site or MySpace or Friendster and especially not Facebook. (Yeah -- just because he, too, went to Princeton, he’s not a psycho. Brilliant theory.)

What happened to handwriting? What happened to privacy on a date? What happened to friends-of-friends? What happened to it not being so easy to pretend to be something we’re not?

Yes, it’s nice to hide behind the wall of email and texts and profiles -- yes, we can say things both flirtatious and venomous over those channels we’d never have the courage to utter in person or on paper. But we’ve always found ways to flirt, haven’t we? And I’m sure my mother enjoyed throwing those wine glasses much more than I enjoy hitting “send.” But we all know there is only one secret to good relationships: Being honest. If you fall in love with each other because of who you really are, not because of who you pretend to be, you may not succeed, but at least you have a chance. Any other way -- the way text and emails and profiles make so easy for us, the way they make it so seductive to give in to our fears that we’re not good enough for anyone, let alone that special someone we like -- any other way, and you don’t have a hope.

About 10 years ago, I remember reading about a device they sold in Japan that could attach to a payphone (yes, kids, see, you would put change in, and it would allow you to call people on it by dialing actual numbers) and generate background noises from train stations, a busy street, the office -- wherever Cheating-san was pretending to be. When I started working on this article, I tried looking that device up the same way we all Google a new flame (Why? To see if they’re lying about anything … ). But what’s funny is they don’t seem to manufacture it anymore, a fact which, initially, you’d imagine I’d be pleased about -- one less piece of technology that enables a$$holes, right? But when I started to think about it, it made me sad. Because I can’t help thinking they don’t make it anymore for the same reason they stopped making the typewriter and the spinning jenny.

They stopped making it because I don’t need to buy one; all I need to do is go powder my nose.

Samantha Edwards is a New York-based writer.

[cheeky^Wolf 0]

"And a month ago, a bed-ridden friend of mine found out she’d spent a year in an online relationship with a person who literally did not exist."

A friend sent me these lyrics yesterday and the above line reminded me of it. They're from the new Brad Paisley song called Online..

I work down at the Pizza Pit

And I drive an old Hyundai

I still live with my mom and dad

I'm five foot three and overweight

I'm a sci-fi fanatic, mild astmatic

Never been to second base

But there's a whole other me you need to see

Go check out myspace

Cause online I'm out in Hollywood

I'm six foot five and I look damn good

I drive a Massarati I'm a black belt in karate

And I love a good glass of wine

It turns girls on that I'm mysterious

I tell them I don't want nothing serious

Cause even on a slow day I can have a three way chat

With two women at one time

I'm so much cooler online

So much cooler online

When I get home I kiss my mom

And she fixes me a snack

Then I head down to my basement bedroom

And fire up my mac

In real life the only time I've

Ever even been to LA

Was when I got the chance with the marching band

To play tuba in the rose parade

But online I live in Malibu

I've posed for Calvin Kline, I've been in GQ

I'm single and I'm rich

And I got a set of six-pack abs that would blow your mind

It turns girls on that I'm mysterious

I tell them I don't want nothing serious

Cause even on a slow day I can have a three way chat

With two women at one time

I'm so much cooler online

Yeah, I'm cooler online

When you got my kind of stats

It's hard to get a date, let alone a real girl friend

But I grow another foot and loose a bunch of weight

Everytime I log in

Online I'm out in Hollywood

I'm six foot five and I look damn good

Even on a slow day I can have a three way chat

With two women at one time

I'm so much cooler online

Yeah, I'm cooler online

[one...two...tree 2,762]

"And a month ago, a bed-ridden friend of mine found out she’d spent a year in an online relationship with a person who literally did not exist."

A friend sent me these lyrics yesterday and the above line reminded me of it. They're from the new Brad Paisley song called Online..

I work down at the Pizza Pit

And I drive an old Hyundai

I still live with my mom and dad

I'm five foot three and overweight

I'm a sci-fi fanatic, mild astmatic

Never been to second base

But there's a whole other me you need to see

Go check out myspace

Cause online I'm out in Hollywood

I'm six foot five and I look damn good

I drive a Massarati I'm a black belt in karate

And I love a good glass of wine

It turns girls on that I'm mysterious

I tell them I don't want nothing serious

Cause even on a slow day I can have a three way chat

With two women at one time

I'm so much cooler online

So much cooler online

When I get home I kiss my mom

And she fixes me a snack

Then I head down to my basement bedroom

And fire up my mac

In real life the only time I've

Ever even been to LA

Was when I got the chance with the marching band

To play tuba in the rose parade

But online I live in Malibu

I've posed for Calvin Kline, I've been in GQ

I'm single and I'm rich

And I got a set of six-pack abs that would blow your mind

It turns girls on that I'm mysterious

I tell them I don't want nothing serious

Cause even on a slow day I can have a three way chat

With two women at one time

I'm so much cooler online

Yeah, I'm cooler online

When you got my kind of stats

It's hard to get a date, let alone a real girl friend

But I grow another foot and loose a bunch of weight

Everytime I log in

Online I'm out in Hollywood

I'm six foot five and I look damn good

Even on a slow day I can have a three way chat

With two women at one time

I'm so much cooler online

Yeah, I'm cooler online

Great lyrics!

I think the internet has made a lot of people realize how deceptive some people can be.

[cheeky^Wolf 0]

Great lyrics!

I think the internet has made a lot of people realize how deceptive some people can be.

Also how naive some can be. It's very easy to fall in love with a persona online.

I've seen births, deaths and marriages, all of which were created in a persons head. One girl I know claimed to have a baby and even went to the length of recording her nephew crying and playing it in the background whenever her "friends" from online would call her!

[one...two...tree 2,762]

Also how naive some can be. It's very easy to fall in love with a persona online.

I've seen births, deaths and marriages, all of which were created in a persons head. One girl I know claimed to have a baby and even went to the length of recording her nephew crying and playing it in the background whenever her "friends" from online would call her!

There will always be nutty people...it's just that now there is a better chance at running into 'em via the internet.

[MichelleandCraig 1]

Wow, Cheeky...that's pretty insane!!

I can totally see what the author of this article is getting at (I enjoyed reading it, Steven). On the flip side, all I could think of most of the time I was reading was: how many of us would have met our now fiance(e)s, husbands/wives without the technology we have today? Many of us met online, whether accidently or on purpose....so I, for one, am very grateful for technology, and it hasn't harmed MY relationship!!!! M.

[Nessa 23]

I'm very grateful to technology also. Even though I wasn't online in dating sites, myspace or looking for someone, but bored playing yahoo games, was technology that allowed me to meet my Charles.

Edited June 28, 2007 by nessaandcharles

[Caladan 19]

A bit of Luddite nostalgia: oh for the days that we had to haul the letters uphill both ways in the snow. My grandmother was apart from my grandfather during WWII with no communication, practically. I think she would have liked e-mail.

I am closer with my sisters in part because it's very easy to talk to them on their cell phones. But I do think people mistake online closeness for real feelings.

[Emancipation 2]

I've had 2 "internet" relatioships.. the first a disaster.. I found him on a "dating" site.. The guy shows up at the airport 50lbs heavier than his profile picture, he had no hair (had hair on the profile), was NOTHING like he said in his e-mails or phone convos and I couldn't WAIT to put him back on a plane to TX.

The second, was a random encounter in a chat room, he was everything he said he was online, was actually more handsome in person than in pictures and I married him.

Can you be dishonest and slack in an online relationship? Yep fer sure!

But can it work and be good ? Oh yeah!

[one...two...tree 2,762]

I've had 2 "internet" relatioships.. the first a disaster.. I found him on a "dating" site.. The guy shows up at the airport 50lbs heavier than his profile picture, he had no hair (had hair on the profile), was NOTHING like he said in his e-mails or phone convos and I couldn't WAIT to put him back on a plane to TX.

The second, was a random encounter in a chat room, he was everything he said he was online, was actually more handsome in person than in pictures and I married him.

Can you be dishonest and slack in an online relationship? Yep fer sure!

But can it work and be good ? Oh yeah!

I had joined Match.com years ago and went on several 'blind' dates with different women. I didn't spend a lot of time trying to get to know them via the internet before meeting them in person - usually for coffee or a bite to eat. Most of them were genuine from the start - although I think most of us even on a first date, try to make ourselves as presentable as we can. For long distance dating, I can see the necessity of having a way to communicate via web cam and chat, but when using it to date people locally - it's good for exposure and that's it.

[bostonparis 0]

I think it certainly removes the "human" element of it (meaning email / txt) - I email my mom a lot more than we speak on the phone, and I would honestly rather not have the option - I'd rather talk to her. It makes my life easier at work, emailing people instead of calling (because sometimes I just can't be bothered with the "how are you"'s, and just need to get my point across and move on).

I didn't meet my husband online, and we rarely emailed each other when we were apart - we spoke on the phone every day. We didn't do the online chat thing, or the webcam thing, so technology (minus the telephone of course) didn't enter into our relationship.

[Marilyn. 340]

I have some relatives that met by writing letters to each other.... this was back in the day before computers...

I am not sure how they initially starting writing to each other but they wrote to each other for awhile and fell in love through those letters... they eventually met and have been married for a long time now...