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Posted
2 hours ago, Ray.Bonaquist said:

Let’s get it clear, the person who is not behaving normally is the wife. Not the man who expects a normal sex life like most couples. The only person who has changed is the wife, and very convenient that she changed after securing her immigration status.

 

Shes the one who should know that normal red blooded men expect that sex with their spouse will not have to become like a visit to the dentist. Let’s not behave like it’s the man who is being unreasonable here. If someone has some explaining and confiding to do, it’s her.

Oh, so sexy, getting her to explain why she doesn't want to do something that she's not obligated to do. 

Posted
3 hours ago, Ray.Bonaquist said:

That’s exactly why he shows divorce her and go on with his life. He’s also not obligated to stay in a sexless marriage. Capiche?

When did I say that he is obligated to stay married? I even gave him advice on what to do if they divorce. I objected to calling her a scammer based on the limited information we have. It's just a relationship that's not working out and it may or may not be saved. She might not even realize how important it is to him since they're getting along great otherwise as he said. 

Posted

Just to be clear, I called her a scammer.  With the limited info that we have, I believe that she is.  She had regular sex with him before they married, and before she came to US.  Then we she came to the US, they still had it until her status was solidified, then magically she started losing interest.  Quite a coinkidink, no?  

 

-Laughing @ "maybe she realized that she's lesbian"

-Really laughing @ "maybe he couldn't satisfy her" --- yep, after the first 14 times, she had had enough 🙄

Posted
1 minute ago, Eric-Pris said:

Just to be clear, I called her a scammer.  With the limited info that we have, I believe that she is.  She had regular sex with him before they married, and before she came to US.  Then we she came to the US, they still had it until her status was solidified, then magically she started losing interest.  Quite a coinkidink, no?  

 

-Laughing @ "maybe she realized that she's lesbian"

-Really laughing @ "maybe he couldn't satisfy her" --- yep, after the first 14 times, she had had enough 🙄

Many couples have this pattern and those are legitimate couples. Saying that she might have realized she's a lesbian was tongue in cheek, a possibility just as likely as her being a scammer. 

Posted
27 minutes ago, Orangesapples said:

Oh, so sexy, getting her to explain why she doesn't want to do something that she's not obligated to do. 

I think most people would agree that a spouse (male or female) is obligated to participate in a healthy sex life.

Filed: Citizen (apr) Country: Brazil
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Posted

that's enough bickering.  continuing after this point will result in someone getting a ban hammer in their stocking.

 

charles

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USE THE REPORT BUTTON INSTEAD OF MESSAGING A MODERATOR!

Posted

Wow, some of the responses are really uncalled for

 

to OP

Not really an immigration issue.... but try talking to her about how you feel, maybe she not forward enough to initiate, maybe she’s shy of her body or prefers an alternate position who knows, one things for sure you won’t know if you don’t ask if there’s a problem.. alternatively, try marriage guidance... if like you say everything other than the sex is good, I’d try finding out what the problem is before going to such a drastic a step as divorce 

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Filed: AOS (pnd) Country: Philippines
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Posted

The OP mentions not getting sex when asking for it. I can certainly see where such a request could seem an unromantic way to get things started and so would yield poor results. I would highly recommend marital counseling. The relationship probably started out under serious time constraints because of the K-1, and perhaps the usual ways of developing unspoken signals for when both partners are in the mood did not take place. I would agree that an immigration forum is where people who have been through that unique circumstance could easily be found, but it sounds like the OP perhaps lacks extensive experience in such matters, and so a much more personalized setting is needed.

Posted
2 hours ago, MorganandMichael said:

I’m going to preface all of this by saying that while I find it rather unpleasant to be talking about another woman’s personal intimate life so casually with strangers on here, I feel I need so say something because a lot of what I’ve read in this thread is appalling, even bordering on being suggestive of coercing sex acts.
 

There are countless reasons under the sun this could be happening. So many reasons.

 

OP, have you actually tried sitting down and having a respectful, empathetic conversation with your wife about this? And I don’t mean a conversation framed around why you aren’t receiving sex, but around how your wife is feeling and why she doesn’t feel comfortable being intimate right now?

 

I can absolutely promise you that if someone is feeling uncomfortable about intimacy for any reason, applying pressure to that person and acting like they owe you something is not going to yield positive results. Not to mention, it’s just sort of a skeevy thing to do to, especially someone you love and cherish like your partner.

 

Has she had an okay time adjusting to her life in the U.S.? You mention she has no family and can’t drive. Does she have any friends? Hobbies? Is she enjoying her self? Depression can decimate your libido, sap your energy and make so many things difficult. It is unfortunately all too common for new arrivals in the US to feel a culture shock and go through a hard time with that. People who have been on this forum for a while should know this, I’m surprised it hasn’t come up yet. It could absolutely be an explanation for why things changed shortly after her arrival here. No need to jump to the most cynical of conclusions.

 

Have you shared with her your concern about her not finding you attractive? I know you said a spouse can’t just tell their partner something like that but honestly... being able to have sensitive conversations about things like that is a sign of a healthy relationship. But if you haven’t even asked her about it, it’s possible that may not be the issue at all. 
 

Bottom line, please just talk to your wife. Even if the conversation leads to a confirmation that the relationship just isn’t working out and should dissolve, I do think you BOTH deserve to have your concerns brought up respectfully and honestly.

 

I do believe that sex is an important part of a relationship and being on the same page regarding intimacy is vital. But communication missing from a relationship is always much more detrimental than sex missing from one.

 

I understand that it's unpleasant to be speaking with strangers about my sex life. However, at least for me, I can be a bit more honest online with strangers because nobody knows me. I couldn't have the same conversation with co workers or neighbors. I figured I would get more honest and broad advice by coming on here. 

 

In the past, I've tried doing the cheesy things that someone mentioned. I bought flowers, did all the chores, made surprise dinner etc. At the end, it was draining. I think that's what emasculated me the most. Doing all these things to try to win some sex that oh by the way, I never got.  We have discussed it in the past several times. I've heard excuses like she's tired, wasn't in the mood, or didn't think the timing is right. Before she came here, we would have sex without discussion or arguing. I've since stopped bringing it up and the last time we had a conversation about it was last year. That's why I'm here seeking answers.

 

You're right that new immigrants here have trouble adjusting here and that's why I figured this would be the best place for advice. The average american doesn't understand how to adjust to life as an immigrant. They don't understand that living in a new place could lead to depression. I posted my problem on a  popular relationship forum and 100% of the advice I received was to divorce her immediately. That might be the correct answer to the issue but I just wanted to make sure I exhausted all avenues before going that route. The main theme I got was that she was in this for a green card. 

 

And no, I haven't asked her if she found me attractive. To me, that's a sign of weakness on my end. For one, I feel like she would never had slept with me in the beginning if I wasn't somewhat attractive. Also, in my daily life and work, I talk to enough women to know that I wouldn't have trouble hooking up with someone if I was about that life. I've never had trouble with women before I met my wife. I don't need to ask her if I'm attractive because I know what I am. 

 

I'm not saying I'm perfect because no man is. What I'm saying is that I don't feel like I have to jump through all these hoops to get sex. I'm still a man deep down. My stuff still gets hard if I see an attractive woman. Being married doesn't change that. I find it funny how some of the responses want me to suppress who I am as a man because maybe she is uncomfortable. Anyway, I thank everyone for the advice. We'll try couples therapy the beginning of the year and if it didn't work, I'll divorce her and move on. I don't know what flipped in my head but at this point, I feel like I don't even want to sleep with her now. The disrespect has went on for too long and it turns me off just thinking about it.

Filed: Citizen (apr) Country: Ghana
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Posted

I think you know what you want to do and I am convinced that is the only viable solution which will ultimately play out. At some point if you don’t take the tough decision, she will take it for you make no mistake.

 

Good luck, you need it!

Just another random guy from the internet with an opinion, although usually backed by data!


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Filed: Citizen (apr) Country: Brazil
Timeline
Posted

by consensus of the mod team, the op has received adequate advice to move forward with the issues.

it is now locked.  do not restart this thread.

 

charles

vj moderation

* ~ * Charles * ~ *
 

I carry a gun because a cop is too heavy.

 

USE THE REPORT BUTTON INSTEAD OF MESSAGING A MODERATOR!

 
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