Need advice on divorce and sexless marriage

[Orangesapples 1,954]

2 minutes ago, Jtreason said:

 

I understand what you're saying. I only posted here since I feel like we are in a unique position to have married spouses from other countries. A lot of people I know in real life would have told me to leave her years ago but they are also not the type to marry someone not born here. I figured I could get a different perspective her since it takes a certain level of patience when bring in a relationship like this. 

I understand. However, this doesn't seem to be an issue due to cultural clash. It's a run of the mill issue that many couples experience. If you want to work on your marriage, then try marriage counseling. If you want to gently let her go, tell her so and make sure that she knows what to do about her immigration. If you two get separated while she's doing ROC, she needs to switch to a divorce waiver. If ROC is approved as a joint petition while you two are divorcing, this could be a big problem for her down the road. So make sure she knows this. Give her all the evidence she needs to gather. Maybe tell her to come here to ask her own questions about immigration, so that her status is not in jeopardy. 

[JeanneAdil 6,606]

2 minutes ago, Jtreason said:

 

That's exactly how I feel. I feel used and emasculated. I fell like less of a man. I only put it out here to see if anyone went through something similar and made it through. I read about sexless marriages all the time but it's usually after several years and kids. It's usually with 2 US born partners. I don't know if I'm not being patient enough or giving her all the chances she needs before I end it

You should not feel less of a man/ this may not be an issue with you

and read what i just wrote above when my husband had a medical issue and i didn't know and  i thought he had lost interest in me

don't guess find out what's wrong

if she doesn't want to be with you  ,  then get out of this marriage

 

first talk to her

if she doesn't  talk ,  then figure out for yourself if the marriage is worth it

 

[Jtreason 4]

5 minutes ago, Orangesapples said:

I understand. However, this doesn't seem to be an issue due to cultural clash. It's a run of the mill issue that many couples experience. If you want to work on your marriage, then try marriage counseling. If you want to gently let her go, tell her so and make sure that she knows what to do about her immigration. If you two get separated while she's doing ROC, she needs to switch to a divorce waiver. If ROC is approved as a joint petition while you two are divorcing, this could be a big problem for her down the road. So make sure she knows this. Give her all the evidence she needs to gather. Maybe tell her to come here to ask her own questions about immigration, so that her status is not in jeopardy. 

I'll look into those things. I have no idea how divorce and her process will work. If she didn't sleep with me because she's using me, she may already have other plans anyway if I decide to pull the carpet. At this point, I don't think I care if she stays in the country or leaves. I just want to be happy

[Jtreason 4]

13 minutes ago, JeanneAdil said:

Because he has not mentioned talking to her and know what the issues are and he says in all other respects she is good

for me personally and this is very personal my late husband abondoned sex for several years and i tried and guessed about everything

and August 15th 2007 he walked into the living room and said "i can not pee" 

he died September 30th (a month and a half later) of  prostrate cancer /  otherwise the problem of no sex was medical 

and he being a very English prudish man,  he didn't tell me 

 

 

I'm sorry to hear about that. I don't think it's a physical issue. I could be wrong but I feel she isn't interested or attracted to me. It's hard to get a fair answer to that since nobody can really tell their spouse that they aren't attractive.

[Eric-Pris 1,607]

Yes, I agree to have a serious conversation with her.  Press her to answer the question about intimacy, don't let her skate with some vague excuses.  If she mentions anything medical, insist on taking her to a doctor ASAP where both of you can speak to the doc.  That will end it quick if she's lying.  If it was medical, she would have said something to you by now I'm sure, and you didn't mention anything about it being medical.  Sorry to say, but this sounds completely fishy.  The timeframe fits that she did it as long as she had to, and stopped when she didn't need to any longer.  And now she's just buying time until it's time to go.  

 

For ME personally, unless it is a verifiable medical issue, I would not be interested in saving that relationship.  I don't want a woman to sleep with me only when threatened with divorce. 

 

Make sure to protect any assets before you let her know about divorce.  I don't mean hiding anything for the divorce, what I mean is protecting what's rightfully yours.  You don't want her cashing out any joint assets (clearing out bank account, etc) for example before the divorce.

 

 

Edited December 25, 2020 by Eric-Pris

[JeanneAdil 6,606]

35 minutes ago, Jtreason said:

I'm sorry to hear about that. I don't think it's a physical issue. I could be wrong but I feel she isn't interested or attracted to me. It's hard to get a fair answer to that since nobody can really tell their spouse that they aren't attractive.

I think you know things yourself 

like any little thoughts of her using you for a green card before she came?

things seem to slip out and people "in love "  ignore the signs till they are too far into the process (or marriage) to quit

like did she "concentrate on the approval of the visa when you chatted?" and forget romance before she came

did she have a lot of "friends"  on social media?

old bf's that she doesn't forget?

does she spend a lot of time now on cell phone and social media talking and sharing photos of herself to friends you don't know?

is she extravagant with money:?

does all her money go back to her family and not shared with you?  as you say she works

[Jtreason 4]

2 minutes ago, JeanneAdil said:

I think you know things yourself 

like any little thoughts of her using you for a green card before she came?

things seem to slip out and people "in love "  ignore the signs till they are too far into the process (or marriage) to quit

like did she "concentrate on the approval of the visa when you chatted?" and forget romance before she came

did she have a lot of "friends"  on social media?

old bf's that she doesn't forget?

does she spend a lot of time now on cell phone and social media talking and sharing photos of herself to friends you don't know?

is she extravagant with money:?

does all her money go back to her family and not shared with you?  as you say she works

 

I can answer your questions. She is on Facebook but doesn't post very often. I'm not in her Facebook. No pictures of us together. I just didn't think that was a big deal since she doesn't post much on there anyway. 

 

I wouldn't say that she focused too much on the approval but I will say that she's put more effort in the visa process than our sex life.

 

She's not extravagant with money but she doesn't make a ton to begin with. She pays one utility and I cover everything else. I know she sends money home but I don't monitor that since she has her own account that I don't have or need access to. 

[Eric-Pris 1,607]

20 minutes ago, Jtreason said:

I know she sends money home but I don't monitor that since she has her own account that I don't have or need access to. 

So basically, you pay for everything and she hoards her income away for when she's ready to leave you or you do what needs to be done first. I thought that she saves her money in a joint account, this is even worse.  Seems that she's already thought this through.  

[carmel34 3,650]

37 minutes ago, Jtreason said:

I will say that she's put more effort in the visa process than our sex life.

This comment sums up your situation.  I agree with others that an open honest conversation with her is warranted here.  If you haven't done this already it also says something about your relationship, and we only have your side of the story here.  Speaking from my personal experience also in a multi-cultural, international relationship, is that it takes more effort to communicate effectively, given issues with language, the subtleties of cultural differences, and the underlying suspicion often harbored by the USC/LPR of the foreigner putting their US immigration journey ahead of their partner's needs.  The decision to divorce is very personal and unique, only you can make the decision if that's what you want.  When I went through a sexless marriage divorce, I tried everything to save the marriage first before taking the divorce plunge, but that's because I loved her.  I can also say that it was a very good decision to finally get divorced as my life now is happier than it ever was before.  Good luck!

[African Zealot 1,455]

2 hours ago, Orangesapples said:

You have no idea why she doesn't want to be intimate. It could be because of something he did or didn't do. 

Lmao. With every story here we only hear one side of the story and we have to proceed based on what we’re given.

 

But I get it, blame the man. Very convenient and not exactly surprising 

[African Zealot 1,455]

2 hours ago, Orangesapples said:

Not doing something is not "treating someone" in any way. She's not obligated to do something she doesn't want to. It doesn't mean she's a scammer. He's not owed intimacy. They're just having marriage problems that are outside of the scope of this forum. 

That’s exactly why he shows divorce her and go on with his life. He’s also not obligated to stay in a sexless marriage. Capiche?

[African Zealot 1,455]

2 hours ago, JeanneAdil said:

Because he has not mentioned talking to her and know what the issues are and he says in all other respects she is good

for me personally and this is very personal my late husband abondoned sex for several years and i tried and guessed about everything

and August 15th 2007 he walked into the living room and said "i can not pee" 

he died September 30th (a month and a half later) of  prostrate cancer /  otherwise the problem of no sex was medical 

and he being a very English prudish man,  he didn't tell me 

 

 

Let’s get it clear, the person who is not behaving normally is the wife. Not the man who expects a normal sex life like most couples. The only person who has changed is the wife, and very convenient that she changed after securing her immigration status.

 

Shes the one who should know that normal red blooded men expect that sex with their spouse will not have to become like a visit to the dentist. Let’s not behave like it’s the man who is being unreasonable here. If someone has some explaining and confiding to do, it’s her.

[Cndn 98]

The bottom line is this lack of intimacy is not working for you. I think all of us can understand. I would approach this is an empathetic way with your wife, and not an accusatory one (ie: “you must be using me for a green card because intimacy is nonexistent”). You really need to bring this up with her. Let her know the extent to which this is bothering you. It could be that her libido has decreased and she can consult a physician to find out why. Or it could be that her interest in you has decreased and therefore a divorce would be best, because you need to be in a different relationship if that’s the case as you’re not happy living this way. You’re married adults so please don’t hesitate to speak with her about this. 

[Daisy.Chain 317]

Pursue her. Do "cheesy" stuff with flirting and flowers. Dress up and put cologne on, and go after her. Sometimes women in particular might like a new outfit or even an updated bedroom to help get them in the mood. Many women have to mentally get in the mood whoch could take a while and she's out of the habit. Make yourself as attractive as possible with whatever wiles you have.

 

You married her and promised to be together until death (not sex) do you part. It's understandable that your needs are not being met and you're frustrated, but that won't change anything about the past. Going forward, though, have you sat down with her and CALMLY explained what you are feeling? Try to use "I feel" instead of accusatory stattements. Try "What can I / we do" to help this etc.  A counselor could help. Your wife may not be aware of the issue, or might think it's the reverse, especially as so much time has gone by.

 

Please don't give up on your marriage or break your promise.

 

This is an immigration website, not a marriage one, so I don't see that you'd need much immigration advice that hasn't been offered. Personal opinions are free, though!

 

 

 

 

[Orangesapples 1,954]

2 hours ago, Ray.Bonaquist said:

Lmao. With every story here we only hear one side of the story and we have to proceed based on what we’re given.

 

But I get it, blame the man. Very convenient and not exactly surprising 

You jumped to conclusions and called the woman a scammer. I'm saying that you don't know that she is. Maybe she realized she's a lesbian, maybe she just lost her libido, maybe OP couldn't satisfy her... You have no idea and you just accused her of being a scammer. Women are allowed to say no to sex, you know.