Questions about withdrawing I-864 [split topic/merged]

[Disappointment 6]

Hello all,

I am going to use "My kid" and "the spouse" and not use any gender as my kids are on this forum as well so bear with me please... 

My kid has applied for their spouse's AOS (they have only received the NOA1 at the present time). Then, Shortly after their marriage, they insisted I should be sponsor (not join sponsor) because I "misunderstood the form" (In hindsight I should have said no) . Next thing I know, the spouse's behavior became literally unacceptable (hitting my kid, screaming etc), they are both living at my place and lately the spouse started yelling at me under my own roof... It is now becoming obvious that this type of person will not hesitate to sue my for support if need be. I want to withdraw my affidavit of support but I wanted to see if someone among you has ever had to sit their kid down and say "I have to withdraw my affidavit (even if I know you are under the income requirements), I do not want to hurt you but I have to protect myself here..." I KNOW I have to make this decision because of all the red flags I see and I am SO torn because hurting my kid is the very last thing I want to do.

 

Let me know your thoughts VJ people!

Edited December 24, 2020 by Disappointment
grammar

[Boiler 45,403]

Assuming the Adjustment has not been held than yes you can and the sooner the better.

 

You can not be Sponsor, you would be a Joint Sponsor. They will need to find someone else or meet the requirements themselves.

[Disappointment 6]

No it has not been adjudicated yet, they filed about a month ago, they have not had the interview (I would know because I would need to provide updated tax documents) and none of that has happened yet. Timeframe is around 5-6 months for this to happen in this state and I know I actually can do it up until the green card is granted. Now My question was about the potential effects on a family when parents all of the sudden say "Nope, I have had enough now" and withdraw support. What has happened to their relatives? Were they considered anyway? Were the application declined?

[Ayrton 965]

18 minutes ago, Disappointment said:

No it has not been adjudicated yet, they filed about a month ago, they have not had the interview (I would know because I would need to provide updated tax documents) and none of that has happened yet. Timeframe is around 5-6 months for this to happen in this state and I know I actually can do it up until the green card is granted. Now My question was about the potential effects on a family when parents all of the sudden say "Nope, I have had enough now" and withdraw support. What has happened to their relatives? Were they considered anyway? Were the application declined?

You're only a joint sponsor. The USC spouse will always be the main sponsor. If they only sent your 864, then they will receive a RFR for your kids 864.

 

If you withdraw your support, the USC spouse (aka your kid) will have to get a job that pays above the poverty line or find another joint sponsor.

[Adventine 3,196]

1 hour ago, Disappointment said:

Next thing I know, the spouse's behavior became literally unacceptable (hitting my kid, screaming etc), they are both living at my place and lately the spouse started yelling at me under my own roof...

Apart from withdrawing the Affidavit of Support, this is domestic violence and needs to be addressed ASAP.

[Boiler 45,403]

Boot them out, let them sort themselves out.

[aaron2020 11,651]

Hi,

 

You're in an abusive relationship.  

Withdraw the I-864.  Boot your kid's spouse out of your house.

It's not going to be pleasant, but it's better than staying in an abusive household.

 

Best of luck.

[Disappointment 6]

Thanks for your answers. Full disclosure, I booted them out of my life once already and my spouse reeled them back in and now realizes his mistake. To be fully honest I am struggling a great deal with this decision because I have been in those shoes with a pending AOS (I was born abroad and my spouse is USC) and I know it is not easy. Now of course my spouse was meeting the income requirements so we did not need a co-sponsor, I also have never been a free-loader in my life (worked full time jobs to support myself through college), I support my family in a very comfortable way (which is also a problem as my kid's spouse knows that if they sue, they will get the 10K per year in support) and most importantly, I have not and would never yell at my mother in law for any reason... I was out of state for a work assignment that lasted 18 months and I was coming back regularly before the pandemic but this time when I came back after months, the house was in very poor shape, the neighbor literally told me that they were even wondering if everybody was okay in the house while we were away.

When the yelling started I asked the spouse who they think they were talking to with this tone in this very house; the spouse holed themselves up in the Master bedroom, it has been a while now, my kid is bringing the spouse some food (but eats with me) and brings me the dishes to put in the dishwasher. For months they have been playing on their computers until 2-3 am, then would get out to eat something in the middle of the night and do not emerge from the room before 3 pm... So I have no doubt they need tough love.

 

I know that I can withdraw the affidavit, I know my rights but I also know the dire consequences this will have on them. That's why I was thinking that someone with a similar experience (having to withdraw support to their kid's spouse) would see this post and share their experience about the process and about the consequences of taking such a measure. 

[Orangesapples 1,954]

18 hours ago, Adventine said:

Apart from withdrawing the Affidavit of Support, this is domestic violence and needs to be addressed ASAP.

I agree. I would contact an organization that has experience with domestic violence because it's a very delicate situation when your child is in an abusive relationship. Also, call the cops if necessary. 

17 hours ago, Boiler said:

Boot them out, let them sort themselves out.

Not a great idea when the child is in an abusive relationship. 

[Disappointment 6]

18 minutes ago, Orangesapples said:

I agree. I would contact an organization that has experience with domestic violence because it's a very delicate situation when your child is in an abusive relationship. Also, call the cops if necessary. 

I agree Orangesapples. I can get out of this situation in a blink. I just have to kick them out. It is just that I know my kid is in this abusive relationship and they are also co-dependants as if my kid was wishing this upon themselves (vs saying "Screw this, I want a divorce"). I am very worried because I am afraid that if my kid defends themselves at one point this is going to backfire and my kid would potentially end up incriminated (which happens in many cases in this state).

At the end of the day, I also want to protect our retirement, our savings and our house because I really can see the true nature of this person now and I do not have the slightest doubt that if it serves my kid's spouse interests, the said spouse will not hesitate to divorce my kid right after the GC, go after him for spousal support (this person knows full well that my kid does not have any income so that they will not get anything) just to be able to then go after me for support. If this "Stockholm syndrome" thing continues my kid could even support their spouse in this!

 

It is a very very tricky situation... I wish my own spouse hadn't taken them back in but this ship has sailed.

Edited December 24, 2020 by Disappointment

[Orangesapples 1,954]

13 minutes ago, Disappointment said:

I agree Orangesapples. I can get out of this situation in a blink. I just have to kick them out. It is just that I know my kid is in this abusive relationship and they are also co-dependants as if my kid was wishing this upon themselves (vs saying "Screw this, I want a divorce"). I am very worried because I am afraid that if my kid defends themselves at one point this is going to backfire and my kid would potentially end up incriminated (which happens in many cases in this state).

At the end of the day, I also want to protect our retirement, our savings and our house because I really can see the true nature of this person now and I do not have the slightest doubt that if it serves my kid's spouse interests, the said spouse will not hesitate to divorce my kid right after the GC, go after him for spousal support (this person knows full well that my kid does not have any income so that they will not get anything) just to be able to then go after me for support. If this "Stockholm syndrome" thing continues my kid could even support their spouse in this!

 

It is a very very tricky situation... I wish my own spouse hadn't taken them back in but this ship has sailed.

I think you need to talk to a professional that has experience with domestic violence and abusive relationships. If you just tell your kid to choose one of you, they will choose the abusive spouse and this will help foster a stronger relationship for them to by giving them a common enemy. Definitely withdraw your affidavit of support but this is just the first step. You need to find someone that knows how to handle these situations if you don't want to lose your child. 

[Disappointment 6]

You hit the nail on the head Orangesapples! I am in the process of seeking professional advice. They are already in this dynamic of the common enemy. They lie to support one another; in fact the day before this yelling started my kid's spouse was profusely complaining to me in the car that my kid was a free-loader, do-nothing, constantly on the computer not getting anything done. The very next day my kid's spouse lost it because I said under my breath "okay I gotta do this otherwise it will never get done" which was basically the same thing the spouse was telling me the day before (they were JUST getting out of their room it was 3:30pm and the spouse was in the process of "making breakfast" for themselves) my kid who was in the garage at the time, hearing the ruckus, came running asking me what happened (I was making my way to the garage so I was right next to the door when we crossed paths, the spouse was in the kitchen screaming on top of their lungs) and I told my kid what happened. My kid's spouse pretended I came out "like a fury" and started the yelling. Minutes later, my own kid was telling me to my face that they both stood behind my kid's spouse narrative as they were in the same room when it started!

 

They are in their late 20s so even if I go to a professional, they won't. I guess losing my kid will be one of the consequences of such a decision but what can I do? I already accepted this possibility when I kicked them out the first time. I guess one victim is already enough and I am trying to not let us (My own spouse and I) become the next victims in this mess. 

I always was wondering why USC on this forum wanted their spouse kicked out of the country when things were going south... I guess I clearly understand why now.

[Orangesapples 1,954]

50 minutes ago, Disappointment said:

You hit the nail on the head Orangesapples! I am in the process of seeking professional advice. They are already in this dynamic of the common enemy. They lie to support one another; in fact the day before this yelling started my kid's spouse was profusely complaining to me in the car that my kid was a free-loader, do-nothing, constantly on the computer not getting anything done. The very next day my kid's spouse lost it because I said under my breath "okay I gotta do this otherwise it will never get done" which was basically the same thing the spouse was telling me the day before (they were JUST getting out of their room it was 3:30pm and the spouse was in the process of "making breakfast" for themselves) my kid who was in the garage at the time, hearing the ruckus, came running asking me what happened (I was making my way to the garage so I was right next to the door when we crossed paths, the spouse was in the kitchen screaming on top of their lungs) and I told my kid what happened. My kid's spouse pretended I came out "like a fury" and started the yelling. Minutes later, my own kid was telling me to my face that they both stood behind my kid's spouse narrative as they were in the same room when it started!

 

They are in their late 20s so even if I go to a professional, they won't. I guess losing my kid will be one of the consequences of such a decision but what can I do? I already accepted this possibility when I kicked them out the first time. I guess one victim is already enough and I am trying to not let us (My own spouse and I) become the next victims in this mess. 

I always was wondering why USC on this forum wanted their spouse kicked out of the country when things were going south... I guess I clearly understand why now.

I meant ask a professional on the best way to handle the situation and for strategies to approach that might work or will cause the least damage. Not you taking them to a professional, you obviously can't do that. It might be helpful to have someone with experience guiding you on your actions with them. 

 

Definitely withdraw the affidavit of support ASAP. 

[Disappointment 6]

If I withdraw now, the spouse may receive notification of that (which is one of those things I would be interested in knowing if ONLY someone who did that could chime in) and if the notification happens before I get a chance to speak to my kid, then it will create a bigger issue than if I give my kid the heads up. I guess if I was in this situation, I would like my parents to at least let me know what is coming my way.

 

[JeanneAdil 6,448]

this is domestic violence and i would call police

it also sounds like child abuse so be prepared for social workers to become involved

 

Helping is helping but this is enabling them and not helping