WHO PAYS FOR ALL THE PLANE TICKETS

[doodlebug 3]

We got married in his home, and when he got that marriage papers he danced around the room and said he would frame it. I really believed in him, I tried to start the visa process when I got home, but he was hard to reach and always busy with something. He never tries to contact me, and now I am just going to move on. Even if he got an interview, they will ask him some personal questions, and at this point i am sure he can't answer any of them. The last time I talked to him I tried to explain and he goes I knew i would lose you. So i felt bad, like a fool I am, and said I do love him and he begged me not to divorce him. To be honest, I feel like just forgetting the whole mess, but did I truly love him, yes. I did so much to go to Egypt, my mother was really angry at me, she didn't like the whole idea of a women traveling alone to a third world country to meet a man I really didn't know. So now that he did this it proves to all my friends and family they are right and I am just a fool. He always told me I did big for him and that what I did was really good, but maybe not good enough, since i am out of money and losing my head. No one in my family talks about this like it is a embaressment. So I guess now, I am just confused and don't have the money to do go over there and even if I did go over there what than? HEARTBROKEN AND CONFUSED!!!!!!!!!!!!

to be honest it doesn't sound at all like he's in it for the visa. If he were he'd be in contact with you and he'd be asking you all the time how the process is coming along. The only thing I can think of is were you sending money to him and then did you stop sending it and that is when he stopped talking to you? If so, that would make more sense. If he were in it for the visa he would be very attentive to you, I would think.

I agree with moody here...if it's not even legal in the US (which if it was done in his home I don't think it would be since normally you have to go to the court to get it done for the US to recognize it), then just move on and don't give it another thought.

Don't for one second be embarassed. This is a lesson learned. Period. This could happen while meeting someone here just as easily as someone over there. Think of it this way, you got to see Egypt....probably wouldn't have gone otherwise. When the pain subsides maybe you can salvage some good memories of the trip and hold them dear to your heart.

[MHandMB 0]

Money is definitely a tricky issue. I feel like it is one of the bigger causes of divorce out there. People have different feelings when it comes to sharing an account, or keeping everything separate.

As far as your question about plane tickets goes, when I first met Amed, I was in Paris on vacation, so I obviously paid for that ticket. When I decided to go back the next 2 times, it was for vacation again, so again I paid. He wanted to see me again and asked if I could come back 3 or 4 months later for a long weekend, and he would pay, so I did, and he did. The last time I went to Paris, it was to move there for a year to be with him, and he paid for that ticket as well, but only because I was quitting my job and wouldn't have any income for a while.

While I was there, I had a bit of savings, but once it ran out, he paid for everything. My rent, my groceries, dinners out, everything. When I moved back to the US in preparation for him to follow me over, we took turns paying for phone cards to call back and forth. We spoke on the phone at least once a day for 7 months, even if it was for 2 minutes just to say "goodnight" and "I love you." I couldn't imagine going an entire month without talking to him.

I paid for his visa fees here, and he paid for his visa fees over there. He bought his ticket to the US, and I bought his connecting flight from NYC to Charlotte. He paid for his AOS fees, and I paid for our joint bills until he got a job. Now, we pay for everything equally. We each put a certain amount in our joint account to cover joint expenses, but we each have separate accounts for incidentals. For instance, he wants to go to Algeria soon, so he's been setting aside his money for that trip.

I would never ask him to reimburse me for a trip abroad I made to see him, but then again, he ALWAYS took care of me whenever I went, so I didn't feel like it was one-sided at all. We do everything equally, and i know that if I was really worried about money, and I was drowning in debt, he would take a second job if he needed to. Even though we keep separate accounts, my debt is his debt, and vice versa.

If you're already feeling uncomfortable and used, and he's not even here yet, that doesn't bode well for the future. Even if he is really busy, a phone call from his wife should be a highlight of his day, not a nuisance.

Good luck getting everything straightened out. I hope you find happiness, whatever that may entail.

[morocco4ever 63]

Oh honey, this is so sad to hear your heart breaking through your words.

I have to admit, I believe he is a scam. I wish I could say different. And the reason isn't because of the money, or the gold you didn't get, but rather the lack of communication between you. When a man (or woman) is in love they will find a way to talk to you. That is the key.

My husband and I were online everyday with each other. Webcams, headsets, everything. He would leave his cam on while he slept, and so would I. It made us feel that is some small way we were together.

I did buy my own plane tickets. I did send him a little money to help, but not much. He didn't give me a huge Mahr, and a very modest wedding ring. But now he is here, and our money belongs to us both...his and mine. Yes I do make more than him, but that isn't even the issue. The issue is whether or not your relationship is real, then how you handle your money is the decision you make between yourselves.

I wish you wouldn't waste one more minute feeling ashamed or foolish. You gave your heart unselfishly. What a beautiful thing!!! Any man that doesn't appreciate that and doesn't give you the honor, love, and respect you deserve doesn't deserve your beautiful heart. Rather I think you should hold your head high and know that you did the best you could, and he is the failure. You do need to take some time to heal, but don't close your heart completely. There are still a lot of good men out there, you just have to know the signs.

Hugs to you

[deemabrouk 0]

When I first flew over to egypt and got married.. He paid for everything.. ticket.. flat.. wedding.. food.. any shopping i did (which I DID limit ) I paid for my best friend to fly from England to come to the Wedding.. and I had to pay someone to "nanny" my kids.

A half year later.. I couldnt take it anymore.. and I had to go back and see him again.. I went with my kids.. SO i paid for our flight - 3 tickets is a good amount of money! BUT he paid for everything else.. flat.. food.. shopping / spoiling of the kids...

Regarding the Visa.. I did pay upfront.. then he would pay me back. Sometimes send a Money Order.. OR he waited until I was there... So he didnt have to pay the fee for Western Union

I also a couple times asked HIM for $100 bucks..

My husband had a savings/ stocks.. and he has been slowly draining it ever since he met me Alhamdulillah my husband has had that opportunity.

I DO know that MENA men dont make ANYWHERE NEAR the $ we do here.. and Alhamdulillah he had some $ put away.

SOoooo.. I can understand why people pay for tickets.. and other expensises. The economy is HORRIBLE in egypt... IF it was better I'd probably move there.. rather than him moving here.

OKay.. Geeze.. TMI

What alarms me in the Origional post.. is that the communication is NOT there.. I used to talk to my husband all the time on the computer.. but I saw the toll of the time difference hitting him... After I would get home from work.. and be able to talk to him.. It would be VERY late over there.. PLUS.. the internet cafes are packed with young teenagers/ young 20's.. Smok'n up a storm.. (my husband is a NON smoker.. alhamdulillah!)

I would watch him rubbing his eyes and coughing.. and just looking very uncomfortable..

So we stopped using the computer so much...

Now everyday we text each other.. and have phone conversations at least 2 times a week..

His mother is quite sick.. and he is always taking her to the doctor.. BUT his fingers are NOT broken.. so.. there is not ONE DAY (normally.. ) that we dont say salaams.. and love you.. etc

If a day goes by and I dont hear from him.. I freak out.. and visa versa..

Money is a hard issue.. But the communication.. well theres ALWAYS a way to communicate this day and age!

I'm sorry to say.. but i does sound like a scam

Edited June 27, 2007 by deemabrouk

[Tarik 11]

Just a quick question for all the American women, did you pay for your plane ticket over to see your love, or did he pay for you? I understand they are from poor countries, but I am not that rich either, and not a sugar mama. Just really interested, because I have a husband in Egypt, whom I never talked to, but I paid for the plane ticket to see him and now i am paying all of this off working myself to an early grave. I guess I am a little old fashion and would like the man to take care of some of this, but maybe that is not the way things work. So please share with me who pays for what and did you feel kinda of mad if you have to pay all the bills, is it almost like buying a husband. That is how i feel now.

you're married right,so I think there isn't your money and his money its all your money,it doesn't matter who pays.

I'm sorry but I don't think you will have a very happy marriage if you kept thinking this way.

[doodlebug 3]

Just a quick question for all the American women, did you pay for your plane ticket over to see your love, or did he pay for you? I understand they are from poor countries, but I am not that rich either, and not a sugar mama. Just really interested, because I have a husband in Egypt, whom I never talked to, but I paid for the plane ticket to see him and now i am paying all of this off working myself to an early grave. I guess I am a little old fashion and would like the man to take care of some of this, but maybe that is not the way things work. So please share with me who pays for what and did you feel kinda of mad if you have to pay all the bills, is it almost like buying a husband. That is how i feel now.

you're married right,so I think there isn't your money and his money its all your money,it doesn't matter who pays.

I'm sorry but I don't think you will have a very happy marriage if you kept thinking this way.

you obviously have not read this entire thread.

[Tarik 11]

Oh honey, this is so sad to hear your heart breaking through your words.

I have to admit, I believe he is a scam. I wish I could say different. And the reason isn't because of the money, or the gold you didn't get, but rather the lack of communication between you. When a man (or woman) is in love they will find a way to talk to you. That is the key.

My husband and I were online everyday with each other. Webcams, headsets, everything. He would leave his cam on while he slept, and so would I. It made us feel that is some small way we were together.

I did buy my own plane tickets. I did send him a little money to help, but not much. He didn't give me a huge Mahr, and a very modest wedding ring. But now he is here, and our money belongs to us both...his and mine. Yes I do make more than him, but that isn't even the issue. The issue is whether or not your relationship is real, then how you handle your money is the decision you make between yourselves.

I wish you wouldn't waste one more minute feeling ashamed or foolish. You gave your heart unselfishly. What a beautiful thing!!! Any man that doesn't appreciate that and doesn't give you the honor, love, and respect you deserve doesn't deserve your beautiful heart. Rather I think you should hold your head high and know that you did the best you could, and he is the failure. You do need to take some time to heal, but don't close your heart completely. There are still a lot of good men out there, you just have to know the signs.

Hugs to you

Thank you for this reply

[morocco4ever 63]

Tarik, again your avatar freaks me....where do you find these????

[Tarik 11]

Tarik, again your avatar freaks me....where do you find these????

sorry

[deemabrouk 0]

Don't be so hard on yourself... learn from this experience. Talk to him ASAP, perhaps there are things going on in his life that you just don't understand. If you still feel uncomfortable you will know what to do.

Again sorry.

Agreed!!!!

I wish you wouldn't waste one more minute feeling ashamed or foolish. You gave your heart unselfishly. What a beautiful thing!!! Any man that doesn't appreciate that and doesn't give you the honor, love, and respect you deserve doesn't deserve your beautiful heart. Rather I think you should hold your head high and know that you did the best you could, and he is the failure. You do need to take some time to heal, but don't close your heart completely. There are still a lot of good men out there, you just have to know the signs.

Hugs to you

Agreed again! This is good advice..

Edited June 27, 2007 by deemabrouk

[Minya's wife 25]

We got married in his home, and when he got that marriage papers he danced around the room and said he would frame it.

It does not sound like you are legally married, but you may want see about that. Do you have a copy of the "marriage papers"? If so, perhaps you can consult w/ an attorney to see if the marriage was legal at all....and should you choose to do so you can see about how to terminate the marriage.

I really believed in him, I tried to start the visa process when I got home, but he was hard to reach and always busy with something. He never tries to contact me, and now I am just going to move on. Even if he got an interview, they will ask him some personal questions, and at this point i am sure he can't answer any of them.

This is the part that is a little confusing in your post. Did you actually file a spousal visa petition, with immigration - USCIS? Only if you filed something, and it was approved would he eventualy "get" an interview at the consulate....so you do not need to worry about that. Only if you filed a petition and it was approved, he can he then use the marriage to you in order to interview for a visa.

By the info you've given, it seems that so far you've married him (not sure if its legal or not) and that's it. I know its heartbreaking, but upon dissolution of the marriage (if that is what you choose to do) there will be no further need for action on your part. If you had filed for a petition you would still need to notify USCIS of withdrawing support for the petition you filed.

I did so much to go to Egypt, my mother was really angry at me, she didn't like the whole idea of a women traveling alone to a third world country to meet a man I really didn't know. So now that he did this it proves to all my friends and family they are right and I am just a fool. He always told me I did big for him and that what I did was really good, but maybe not good enough, since i am out of money and losing my head. No one in my family talks about this like it is a embaressment.

I agree you, that there are 'dishonest' undertones to your situation. I really hope that you are able to sort things out, and come to a decision that works for you. Family 'embarrasment' or not, your life is just that 'your life'! None of us is perfect, and we all make mistakes.

Good luck!

-P

[Donna A 4]

i would say i probably paid 75% of everything to his 25%. I visited there two times and the first time i paid for my air and hotel and he paid for the food and activities. the second time i paid my air and he rented the apt and paid for the whole marriege thing in which he ran out of money so i left money for him when i left. then when i came home and started filing all the paperwork i paid but then when everything was approved he paid for the medical, visa and his flights here. he came once for a week and then had to go back and finish his job contract and then came back here to live. i usually paid for the daily phone calls.

sometimes things are just cheaper here so thats why i paid more. i made more money then him and thats another reason i paid.

but it all works out in the end and doesnt matter who paid for what.

anyway...good luck with ur situation.

[rika60607 215]

I am very sorry... sounds like something went really wrong.

I think you should scrap up money for 1 more ticket, fly to Egypt and find out where your relationship stands. Get a divorce if needed!

Rika

Just a quick question for all the American women, did you pay for your plane ticket over to see your love, or did he pay for you? I understand they are from poor countries, but I am not that rich either, and not a sugar mama. Just really interested, because I have a husband in Egypt, whom I never talked to, but I paid for the plane ticket to see him and now i am paying all of this off working myself to an early grave. I guess I am a little old fashion and would like the man to take care of some of this, but maybe that is not the way things work. So please share with me who pays for what and did you feel kinda of mad if you have to pay all the bills, is it almost like buying a husband. That is how i feel now.

[Marriednow 4]

Just a quick question for all the American women, did you pay for your plane ticket over to see your love, or did he pay for you? I understand they are from poor countries, but I am not that rich either, and not a sugar mama. Just really interested, because I have a husband in Egypt, whom I never talked to, but I paid for the plane ticket to see him and now i am paying all of this off working myself to an early grave. I guess I am a little old fashion and would like the man to take care of some of this, but maybe that is not the way things work. So please share with me who pays for what and did you feel kinda of mad if you have to pay all the bills, is it almost like buying a husband. That is how i feel now.

I agree with most of the advice you have received. At my age, I have learned this: TRUST YOUR GUT. Your gut is telling you the truth--something is not right about this man and this relationship. Dont waste time beating yourself up. You are not the one who is screwed up--he is. It is much better to be alone than have a relationship with an a--hole. Sounds easy...but my mom always said: Not one door closes that another one doesn't open. Each experience you have will make you stronger---you are only human after all. You know the truth and that you trusted somebody not worthy of your trust...better to be that way than a hardhearted person. I wish you luck and peace...Debbie

[mybackpages 0]

If you married to him and want to truly be traditional, your money is also his and you wouldn't be keeping tally.

uh actually no. the tradition is my money (the wife) is my money. His money is our money.