WHO PAYS FOR ALL THE PLANE TICKETS

[Marriednow 4]

Just a quick question for all the American women, did you pay for your plane ticket over to see your love, or did he pay for you? I understand they are from poor countries, but I am not that rich either, and not a sugar mama. Just really interested, because I have a husband in Egypt, whom I never talked to, but I paid for the plane ticket to see him and now i am paying all of this off working myself to an early grave. I guess I am a little old fashion and would like the man to take care of some of this, but maybe that is not the way things work. So please share with me who pays for what and did you feel kinda of mad if you have to pay all the bills, is it almost like buying a husband. That is how i feel now.

Like another person said, my SO could never save enough money for plane fare. Most make less than 200.00 a month, which just about covers food and maybe an occasional phone card--no entertainment. I have given him money for passport, some for me to rent an apartment in Casa while I was there. and money to go to the doctor and get medicine--which he would not have gone to on his own (and he has a painfully ruptured eardrum that wont heal up). Yes, this is costing lots of money but he is worth it. Also I look at coming to Morocco as a vacation after like 22 or more years with an ex spouse that would not go anywhere. I will be a long while paying off credit card, etc, but expect him to work when he gets here. I spend more than him, so what can I say??? lol

Oh, forgot to say I bought him a cheap computer so we can talk (we talk 3--5 hours a night) as it would cost him more than 10.00 a day for taxi and cyber cafe time (so figure at that his salary would not even cover that, much less food,etc), but I look at that as a good thing for me. Now we can talk when we want to and he isn't endangered walking the streets of Marrakech in the middle of the night after getting off the computer (since they are behind our time 4 hours). Best money I ever spent. And he does buy me gifts when he can. It's not his fault that he was born in a poor country, and I know he would do the same for me if he could. If I begin to feel used, I will stop doing it. Simple as that.

[Marriednow 4]

Just a quick question for all the American women, did you pay for your plane ticket over to see your love, or did he pay for you? I understand they are from poor countries, but I am not that rich either, and not a sugar mama. Just really interested, because I have a husband in Egypt, whom I never talked to, but I paid for the plane ticket to see him and now i am paying all of this off working myself to an early grave. I guess I am a little old fashion and would like the man to take care of some of this, but maybe that is not the way things work. So please share with me who pays for what and did you feel kinda of mad if you have to pay all the bills, is it almost like buying a husband. That is how i feel now.

Like another person said, my SO could never save enough money for plane fare. Most make less than 200.00 a month, which just about covers food and maybe an occasional phone card--no entertainment. I have given him money for passport, some for me to rent an apartment in Casa while I was there. and money to go to the doctor and get medicine--which he would not have gone to on his own (and he has a painfully ruptured eardrum that wont heal up). Yes, this is costing lots of money but he is worth it. Also I look at coming to Morocco as a vacation after like 22 or more years with an ex spouse that would not go anywhere. I will be a long while paying off credit card, etc, but expect him to work when he gets here. I spend more than him, so what can I say??? lol

Oh, forgot to say I bought him a cheap computer so we can talk (we talk 3--5 hours a night) as it would cost him more than 10.00 a day for taxi and cyber cafe time (so figure at that his salary would not even cover that, much less food,etc), but I look at that as a good thing for me. Now we can talk when we want to and he isn't endangered walking the streets of Marrakech in the middle of the night after getting off the computer (since they are behind our time 4 hours). Best money I ever spent. And he does buy me gifts when he can. It's not his fault that he was born in a poor country, and I know he would do the same for me if he could. If I begin to feel used, I will stop doing it. Simple as that.

Forgot to add, we usually stay at his parent's house some of the time and usually another relative's, and they will not accept money to help them out--they are most generous and kind to me.

[brnidokiegurl 0]

The living arrangements are the same here, his sister moves to the family home and gives us complete control of her nice house, so we just come and go as we please, or over to the family to eat or they bring meals to us etc....they also bought things for me to bring back to family and friends...they are far from rich but make up for it in kindness

[myfellah 0]

My husband and I went through the K-1 process. We had met and been chatting almost two years by the time we had filed and he had his interview. Even though he didn't have a computer we always managed to chat at least every other night at arranged times at the cafes. We always made our next "chat date" before we signed off. When the time came for fees, I paid them and I paid for his plane ticket. I had no problem with this and he always insisted that he would pay me back once he could work here. My husband and I have been together for over two years now and he paid back every cent. He has been employed at the same job for almost 1 1/2 years and never late or missed one day and is constantly working his way up. He always said he just wanted a chance to work. I didn't ask for repayment but he wanted to. I didn't let him pay for my ticket there because for me I considered it my choice and my vacation. Some men can pay and some can't. It certainly doesn't mean you are buying the man. What is mine is his and what is his is mine. This works for us. There is no right or wrong. We just returned from a short celebration of our second wedding anniversary at Niagara Falls in Canada. I'm sorry you are in your situation and I pray you can get in touch with one another and work things out. You should always be able to talk about anything at anytime or a relationship could be lost. Best Wishes.

Doreen

[SaadBell 0]

I truly am happy for all of you, I really am, and yes Mohamed's family was awesome and treated me really well, the thing is, I don't mind doing some of money, but I can't be the only one to do all the work. I used to call him all the time, but he never called me. I always wrote emails, he never wrote me back. The whole thing is awful, and I wonder if his family and friends think what he is doing is fine. It makes me lose my trust in mankind, cause they must know that i am here alone struggling to pay all the bills and do all the work for someone who never bothers to do anything for me. I know if my male friends did that to one of their wifes or girlfriends, I SURE WOULD SAY SOMETHING TO THAT MAN, AND MAY EVEN END FRIENDSHIP, BECAUSE IN MY BOOK THERE IS NO EXCUSE TO TREAT ANOTHER HUMAN BEING LIKE THAT. Maybe they think different that since I am an american i have tons of money and can just do what he likes with me, since I know for a fact in his country a native girl would never spend a penny for a man, it would be the man that does all that. One of his relatives was going to get married while i was there and this young man went out and purchased all kinds of gold, which is a tradition. Did I ever get any gold, NOOOOOOOOOOO, why does she get gold and i get the bills? So yea i am starting to question if this was all a big ploy to get a visa, and if so how could his family and friends allow one of their own do something like that to another person. Just questions, that keep going through my head.

The living arrangements are the same here, his sister moves to the family home and gives us complete control of her nice house, so we just come and go as we please, or over to the family to eat or they bring meals to us etc....they also bought things for me to bring back to family and friends...they are far from rich but make up for it in kindness

[Jenn! 918]

I think deep down everyone knows what feels right to them. Whether you're the type who views money as shared between spouses or as a personal asset, only you know. Therefore, your decisions should be based on what you think is correct, not on what everyone else thinks. To the OP, it sounds like you're NOT ok with buying your plane ticket, among other things, so I think you know what you need to do.

[SaadBell 0]

I did buy my own ticket, and I also took time off or work, I had to do alot of things before I went to Egypt. I also had a lot of heat from the home front here for doing this. So yea i did buy my own ticket, but what all my family and friends told me did come true, I was ripped off hard. I have worked my whole life, I have always taken care of myself, so that is not even an issue. I just thought these men were more macho than being taken care by a women. The man never calls me or even writes me, and yes I have given up on writting him. Oh and by the way for my birthday or any holiday, not a hello, not anything. Yea really sweet man. Sorry but to me the whole thing smells of trying to get to america. To be honest if someone has money you can do this, but if you are strapped you are screwed, cause they will find someone else to flip their bills. I guess I have learened a hard lesson. DON'T TRUST ANYONE!!!! How sad is that, even the children I work with who have horrible lifes treat people better than my husband, so yea I am really angry and hurt and lonley.

I think deep down everyone knows what feels right to them. Whether you're the type who views money as shared between spouses or as a personal asset, only you know. Therefore, your decisions should be based on what you think is correct, not on what everyone else thinks. To the OP, it sounds like you're NOT ok with buying your plane ticket, among other things, so I think you know what you need to do.

[brnidokiegurl 0]

sorry again for the birthday i just got a big box from the entire family with things not only for me but my family and friends again....maybe you just need to have a talk with him and have him realize just because we live in america we are not automataically rich

[soch 2]

I am so sorry you are going through this. You call him your husband therefore, you are married..where did you marry? how long and how far along in the process are you? Did he ever come to the states? Sorry for the many questions.

Oh, as for me... We each buy our own ticket when we visit each other... when I go to him he normally pays for everything. I offer to/insist on paying sometimes... We communicate daily.

Don't be so hard on yourself... learn from this experience. Talk to him ASAP, perhaps there are things going on in his life that you just don't understand. If you still feel uncomfortable you will know what to do.

Again sorry.

[SaadBell 0]

We got married in his home, and when he got that marriage papers he danced around the room and said he would frame it. I really believed in him, I tried to start the visa process when I got home, but he was hard to reach and always busy with something. He never tries to contact me, and now I am just going to move on. Even if he got an interview, they will ask him some personal questions, and at this point i am sure he can't answer any of them. The last time I talked to him I tried to explain and he goes I knew i would lose you. So i felt bad, like a fool I am, and said I do love him and he begged me not to divorce him. To be honest, I feel like just forgetting the whole mess, but did I truly love him, yes. I did so much to go to Egypt, my mother was really angry at me, she didn't like the whole idea of a women traveling alone to a third world country to meet a man I really didn't know. So now that he did this it proves to all my friends and family they are right and I am just a fool. He always told me I did big for him and that what I did was really good, but maybe not good enough, since i am out of money and losing my head. No one in my family talks about this like it is a embaressment. So I guess now, I am just confused and don't have the money to do go over there and even if I did go over there what than? HEARTBROKEN AND CONFUSED!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so sorry you are going through this. You call him your husband therefore, you are married..where did you marry? how long and how far along in the process are you? Did he ever come to the states? Sorry for the many questions.

Oh, as for me... We each buy our own ticket when we visit each other... when I go to him he normally pays for everything. I offer to/insist on paying sometimes... We communicate daily.

Don't be so hard on yourself... learn from this experience. Talk to him ASAP, perhaps there are things going on in his life that you just don't understand. If you still feel uncomfortable you will know what to do.

Again sorry.

[caybee 21]

I paid for my trips there (he paid for everything once I got there). He paid for most of his ticket here, which was not easy for him at all, but it's what he wanted to do, and he has paid for as much of our expenses as possible since he has been here.

That said, this is not about the money, it's about the relationship, imho. If there is genuine trust in the relationship, both will see the money as shared, and he will not pressure you into a financial situation that stresses you out this much (besides, my understanding is that debt is not acceptable in Islam). Your debts now are your collective debts later (perhaps not legally, but practically, as a married couple). Did he pressure you to borrow so much to go there, or did you pressure yourself? Many USCs do spend more than their fiances in the beginning because there is such a huge difference in salaries, even for a USC who doesn't earn much by our standards. But if he is genuine, you will feel generosity and support from him that reaches beyond money. You will feel safe. I can understand why little to no contact with him would make you feel unsafe and afraid. I would be very concerned. Would you accept this behavior from an American husband, no contact for weeks or months at a time?

This is not about money. Listen to your intuition. Best wishes to you.

[ya falaha! 0]

Is your marriage even legal in the US? If not, don't worry about the divorce just move on. I know you're having a hard time dealing with these feelings of being duped. Chalk it up as a learning experience and get on with your life. Don't waste any more time on this man than you have to.

We got married in his home, and when he got that marriage papers he danced around the room and said he would frame it. I really believed in him, I tried to start the visa process when I got home, but he was hard to reach and always busy with something. He never tries to contact me, and now I am just going to move on. Even if he got an interview, they will ask him some personal questions, and at this point i am sure he can't answer any of them. The last time I talked to him I tried to explain and he goes I knew i would lose you. So i felt bad, like a fool I am, and said I do love him and he begged me not to divorce him. To be honest, I feel like just forgetting the whole mess, but did I truly love him, yes. I did so much to go to Egypt, my mother was really angry at me, she didn't like the whole idea of a women traveling alone to a third world country to meet a man I really didn't know. So now that he did this it proves to all my friends and family they are right and I am just a fool. He always told me I did big for him and that what I did was really good, but maybe not good enough, since i am out of money and losing my head. No one in my family talks about this like it is a embaressment. So I guess now, I am just confused and don't have the money to do go over there and even if I did go over there what than? HEARTBROKEN AND CONFUSED!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so sorry you are going through this. You call him your husband therefore, you are married..where did you marry? how long and how far along in the process are you? Did he ever come to the states? Sorry for the many questions.

Oh, as for me... We each buy our own ticket when we visit each other... when I go to him he normally pays for everything. I offer to/insist on paying sometimes... We communicate daily.

Don't be so hard on yourself... learn from this experience. Talk to him ASAP, perhaps there are things going on in his life that you just don't understand. If you still feel uncomfortable you will know what to do.

Again sorry.

[caybee 21]

I was too late to edit my post. I'm afraid I implied that a true married couple shares all the money, and I do not believe that. It is a personal choice, and I know several happily married couples who maintain separate bank accounts and expenses. But in marriage, the life is shared, and the financial burden of one partner affects the other, whether they comingle their finances or not. A lack of concern for the other partner's well being, including their financial well being, is cause for concern.

I am very sorry this has happened to you.

I paid for my trips there (he paid for everything once I got there). He paid for most of his ticket here, which was not easy for him at all, but it's what he wanted to do, and he has paid for as much of our expenses as possible since he has been here.

That said, this is not about the money, it's about the relationship, imho. If there is genuine trust in the relationship, both will see the money as shared, and he will not pressure you into a financial situation that stresses you out this much (besides, my understanding is that debt is not acceptable in Islam). Your debts now are your collective debts later (perhaps not legally, but practically, as a married couple). Did he pressure you to borrow so much to go there, or did you pressure yourself? Many USCs do spend more than their fiances in the beginning because there is such a huge difference in salaries, even for a USC who doesn't earn much by our standards. But if he is genuine, you will feel generosity and support from him that reaches beyond money. You will feel safe. I can understand why little to no contact with him would make you feel unsafe and afraid. I would be very concerned. Would you accept this behavior from an American husband, no contact for weeks or months at a time?

This is not about money. Listen to your intuition. Best wishes to you.

[MaRob 0]

My husband and I went through the K-1 process. We had met and been chatting almost two years by the time we had filed and he had his interview. Even though he didn't have a computer we always managed to chat at least every other night at arranged times at the cafes. We always made our next "chat date" before we signed off. When the time came for fees, I paid them and I paid for his plane ticket. I had no problem with this and he always insisted that he would pay me back once he could work here. My husband and I have been together for over two years now and he paid back every cent. He has been employed at the same job for almost 1 1/2 years and never late or missed one day and is constantly working his way up. He always said he just wanted a chance to work. I didn't ask for repayment but he wanted to. I didn't let him pay for my ticket there because for me I considered it my choice and my vacation. Some men can pay and some can't. It certainly doesn't mean you are buying the man. What is mine is his and what is his is mine. This works for us. There is no right or wrong. We just returned from a short celebration of our second wedding anniversary at Niagara Falls in Canada. I'm sorry you are in your situation and I pray you can get in touch with one another and work things out. You should always be able to talk about anything at anytime or a relationship could be lost. Best Wishes.

Doreen

The repayment thing is a little confusing to me. My thinking is this, after you get married, it is OUR money... not his or hers.. my case has been who is going to pay for what part of the wedding, but i don't see how it really matters, because once you get married if he paid 1000 of the wedding and you 9000, you still are out 10,000. So if i pay for everything now, and i am poor when we get married, then he is going to have to use his money to take care of us after we are married. I guess this is where the trust issue comes in... you have to really know that he or she is in it for life and that can be hard to determine. sorry for your situation... have you even started the Visa process?

[doodlebug 3]

The repayment thing is a little confusing to me. My thinking is this, after you get married, it is OUR money... not his or hers.. my case has been who is going to pay for what part of the wedding, but i don't see how it really matters, because once you get married if he paid 1000 of the wedding and you 9000, you still are out 10,000. So if i pay for everything now, and i am poor when we get married, then he is going to have to use his money to take care of us after we are married. I guess this is where the trust issue comes in... you have to really know that he or she is in it for life and that can be hard to determine. sorry for your situation... have you even started the Visa process?

yes, she stated that she has.